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"Amidst fleeting moments, her memory wanes like a delicate sunset, yet the cherished years we've woven remain etched, timeless, within my soul's embrace."
-Xiirian
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[KAYOS]
The world is nothing but a graveyard of water around me. The water is cold, ice cold, but I revel in the numbness of it all.
I do not feel the cold. The cold is home. The numbness is solitude. And the blurry vision of the space above me is dreamlike. Perhaps if I stay here long enough reality would fade or simply cease to exist.
I stare upwards for minutes beneath the waves but the vision above me remains. Finally sitting up, the water sloshes around me as I take breaths of air in replacing what I missed, my hands pushing my wet locks from my face, breathing harshly until I settle back in the bath, the dimness of the room around me leaving a hollow feeling within me.
The shadows move across my walls and I lazily turn watching Alchest. The shadow is loyal. He stays by my side always.
He is consistent. I can not ask for more.
"I wish to fade," I tell him. My hand reaches out of the bath, gleaming silver around my fingers, and the shadow inches closer.
My head rolls back and I sigh, shutting my eyes, "No- I simply wish to feel nothing."
My hand rests above my heart and I focus on taking in deep breaths, and with each calming breath, I fade slowly. I sink into nothingness, into oblivion, into the darkness around me.
My shadow follows but he soon disappears. It is my place. One he can not reach entirely.
The world is quiet here in the endless. The sun is bright, the grass is green, the flowers shine and there is nothing but peace.
There is release, and the world is bright.
My eyes are closed in the fields of sunshine. This is where I belong. I can feel it here. Nothing of the emotions that haunt me every waking hour. Here, I feel all the emotions I desire.
Emotions that are forgotten when my eyes open, only an echo of them reminding me what I could have if I only stayed.
Happiness, contentment, serenity, hope, everything I could desire-
Yes, all -All but one.
Love. The purest affection.
The endless can not give me that. But this is as close to paradise as I would ever get to that feeling. To me this is heaven, and I am content.
I let out a breath.
I am content.
I wish-
Mother's words echo in my mind. My eyebrows draw together.
It is strange.
I do not think of reality when I am here. I am safe here. Alone. There are no thoughts-
And yet they come in flashes. I am reminded of the threat of war looming, I am reminded of the creature of the endless in my dungeon, I am reminded of the tribunal but to all this, to even the sound of war, I do not feel uneasy or unrest as had Vaeln or mother.
No, I am not rifled by these matters.
I know they are serious but I know I will be able to protect my people, but something else tears me apart. Something else has dragged me to the very bottom, the deepest crevice, and made me seek solace in this place again.
Perhaps it is my wolf.
It is the hole inside of him I promise to fill. He does not care for these promises. I do not care for them either. It is not what we truly need.
For I can not fill the hole inside me. The promise of giving myself to another. One that was not designed for me. One that I know, that I feel, will never understand me, one who is forced to be around me- that promise is dragging me back here- into this field of solace.
I can spend an eternity here.
They will suffer, yes, with the Evernight, the shadows, and with the threat that now looms upon them, and their bodies will litter Valcane, should I decide to stay.
It is then they will call for the Night Wolf, the so-called Prince of Shadows to defend them. It is only then they will replace their fear of me with faith and hope-
Then...
But for now, they do not care how the loneliness inside of me eats me alive, they do not care how it is quenched, only that it is quenched.
So what is it to sacrifice for them then, when I can stay in my solitude here and now? Forever.
Yes... I drift off, taken by the endless, by the comfort it provides. I can be selfish. They have never been anything but selfish.
My heartbeat is steady beneath my open palm. Everything is quiet, and minutes move through time this way. Perfect solitude, rest, and contentment until -
"Master." A whisper so soft.
I freeze at these words. The word is spoken not as if from memories but as one would if they were seated beside me.
I know the voice. I know who speaks but it is quite impossible. I know it is impossible. I am in the endless. It is only I who can be here, in this sanctuary.
I still so silently, empty my mind until I swear I can hear the soft breaths of someone breathing beside me. I know it is impossible, I know if I open my eyes there is no one-
That voice, which I know, could not be here-
And then...
Ever so slightly, I feel her fingers brush across my forehead and my eyes open because that feeling is not a dream, it is not a memory.
The bright sky above is what I see first and I quickly turn to the side where I am so sure she is sleeping. Only the wind blows in the emptiness inside me, only the flowers around me bow softly,
There is not another soul and yet my heart beats faster beneath my open palm.
I sit up, and I notice something...
An imprint in the grass. As if somebody had been beside me.
Thoughts splurge in my mind, my heartbeat quickens as I get up. I have one thought in my mind- one thought only.
I can not think of another.
I take wide strides through the fields ignoring the flowers and grass that cling onto my legs bidding me stay, the winds blow harder with every step I take across the acres of endless green, and soon everything begins to lift, the flowers, the trees, the world becomes dimmer, an off-grey, the flowers begin to wilt and leaves begin to dry. Darkness spreads through the fields as the illusion becomes corrupted revealing the true chaos that is hidden beneath.
There is no field anymore, there never was.
The darkness and chaos of the endless swooshes all around me, shadows creep toward me, all shapes and sizes, long arms and claws pulling at my coat whispers enticing me to stay if only for a minute longer-
But I do not think of these things. My heart is anxious, it is a rough beat within me, a desperate yearning to understand.
I have one thought, as the darkness consumes me, my hand reaching out into the darkness, a door to reality, where I turn the knob.
My eyes open and the water around me is impossibly cold.
This is not what I think of.
There was an imprint, there was a voice I know-
I am dressed in a second, the darkness gathering into a portal as I step into it, Alchest scampering after me before it closes.
I am back in the library in the next moment, my breath is heavy against my lips, my heart has not stopped its desperate plea, and my wolf is silent within me. As dumbfounded as I had been at that moment.
My walk is quick as I maneuver between aisles. It is far back. That is where I kept it.
It feels like forever when I reach it, and I stand before the shelves of books. I let out a loose breath, and I am aware my fingers are shaking when I reach for the book I had secretly hidden years ago, with the intent of never setting eyes on it, ever again.
There is no title on the ashed covers, my hands shake as I grip the edges. My breath is shaky and unsure, as I wipe the dust that sat upon it for years. I was never meant to open it again. I had hidden it in a place I knew no one could ever find it
And yet tonight, my fingers brush through the brown pages and bleed with hope once more. The kind of hope I wished died a long time ago.
The words are written boldly. Some words have been crossed out. Paragraphs even. It is not a normal book.
I am slow as I sift through the pages. I have memorized every page of this book, but I must know-
I must confirm.
Finding the page I drag a hand down the scribbled lines, ignoring the shake in them until I find it-
The words echo in my mind as I read those two lines. It is like I'm hypnotized. Like my soul has been carved into those simple words. It is like a mantra in my mind.
My back drags the length of the shelves until I am seated, leaning against it, as if a weeping widow. My eyes froze at those words. I am taken with the deepest yearnin'.
I am reminded of why I chose to lock this book away.
And now it is open, and those words tell a story I am living.
My fingers stretch over the words once more as if I can pluck them from the pages and hide them in my heart.
I close the book softly. The words are already in repeat in my thoughts, to never leave and only relive.
My head rolled backward, the wet strands of my hair clinging lightly to my face- letting out a low breath.
I feel Alchest lingering on the shadows nearby, but I am lost in those words and there is nothing else but them.
I am almost afraid to say them out loud, the book pressed to my very heart, the words are breathless against my lips. I am simply running out of air- but I recite them as they have been engraved, shakily-
"Days and Nights I would have stayed cocooned in Chaos, had she not saved me. For it was she and only she that could reach into the endless and pull me out."
My eyes shut, and I rest in these words.
Master, the voice.
The touch.
The imprint.
So real, I could not have created it, could I? I battle with these thoughts. I know deep down the truth but I can not bring myself to understand it.
For she, although a Keffer had the scent of a mate.
For she, although now a friend had no wolf.
But she, although-- ordinary stepped into the bowels of the endless.
I am confused, I admit. The trials Selene has placed before my kind are bitter and all do not end well.
There is a war on our necks and I feel no anxiety. I Battle more with loneliness than the thought of war. I had only wished to fade but a moment ago, and now, once again because of the Ke-
Because of Shade, I am reminded that should I choose to truly give up and waste away in the illusion of paradise in the endless, Am I truly worthy of a gift such as a mate?
Would I truly deserve her if I do not fight to find her? If I give it all, then I prove to Selene and her thoughts of my kind, then I truly deserved to be cursed.
No- I would not.
The pieces are before me, I only need to understand where they belong. I am certain. Shade holds the Key.
She must.
There was still time for me. I would not give it all. I would get what was mine and nothing would tear me away from her once I had her in my arms-nothing.
Shade's scent is all around me. It lingers in every aisle. A promise of what I could have if I keep the faith. I once locked hope away- I can not lose it again.
I need it now, more than ever. Before I give myself away and truly lose it all.
I open my eyes staring down at the book. Before I can do anything, I feel her.
Shade. She's just walked into the Library. I curse myself as I feel Catherine's aura walk farther away from the red door. They had been near for a while. I was too engrossed to notice and Shades scent that had made my sanctuary its home had dulled her aura from alerting me.
I get up, knowing that she is close. Very close, and I do not know why I am suddenly clumsy as I try to hide the book once again.
"Master?" the familiar voice relays, and I pause, gritting my jaw, turning slightly, and tucking my hands behind me.
I show no emotion as I speak, "Yes?"
She is surprised to see me, and I am not entirely surprised that she is either.
"Y-you're here- here. Early..." she trails off. I do not believe she's speaking to me, her heart is pounding harshly within her.
I have scared her. Once again.
I do not understand if she wishes an answer to this statement. It is not a question. But my wolf bids me respond. He does not wish to make her upset as last time.
We are both aware we do not understand this friendship etiquette. But to piece those pieces then we must.
"Yes...I am," I responded again.
Her mouth is slightly open and she looks about for a moment, as if searching for words- "Uh, w-why?"
I pause for a moment. I don't wish to lie. But I can not tell her why I am here. I simply can not explain and so I remain silent, and I feel foolish for being at a loss for words-
"I-I mean it is your study," she quickly recovers. She seems embarrassed for a moment, "I didn't mean to say you can not be here. This is your work- all of it," she smiles nervously and her heart is beating faster than is normal.
I raise an eyebrow at this, noting she is avoiding eye contact again.
"It's a pity. I thought we passed this," I grunt.
She loses focus for a moment, "passed this...?" she trails off, "P-past what?" she is hesitant when asking.
I bend down lower trying to bring her back on track and she moves slightly back, eyes wide as she stares. Her scent is maddening and I let out a breath, "eye contact. You've been avoiding it."
"Oh!" she chuckles nervously and still does not give me those eyes, even when I search for them, "I look at you, I mean I can look at you, not that I have seen you anywhere else-" she glances at me her eyes darting away, "which I haven't since you left yesterday, but I can. I am not avoiding anything- I." she babbles on words I can not follow and I study her silently.
My head slants to the side as I study how fidgety she seems, "Are you sick?"
Her jaw drops more and she shakes her head profusely, oh no- no." she clears her throat, "I am perfectly fine."
That is good.
"I just- With the trouble yesterday," she began, her tone rather high, "I just, I uh...I thought I wouldn't be seeing you for a while."
I nod at this, realizing her trail of thought. I am reminded of the monster made by Adzar and the threat to Valcane. But even then, my thoughts travel back to the endless. To her voice. To that touch, to that imprint.
Had she truly been there?
Had she crossed into the endless without even knowing it?
"M-master?" her voice repeats.
I am drawn back into reality, into her eyes which she gives to me freely. I think I see the concern. It is gentle and genuine.
"Trouble," I echo, lost in this moment.
I am in trouble.
"Was it really that bad?" she whispers.
My eyebrows sew together, unable to piece together what it is she means.
She seems embarrassed for a moment, stumbling over words, "I mean, if it is matters of the court then it is no business of a slave," she speaks softly, looking away, rocking back on her heels.
It takes me a moment before it clicks. I feel her uneasiness and I know it is I that has made her uncomfortable. It is I that has made her doubt herself. She has built a friendship with her master, despite her status.
She is stronger than I ever thought she could be. I did not wish to bring her down simply because I am slow to understand emotion.
"Adzar," I blurt. I am meant to speak a sentence but it comes out alone
She echoes the word, a look of confusion on her features and I scold myself for my behavior. But before I can say anything, she speaks first.
"It sounds familiar." she trails off, "I do not where."
I follow her changing expression, "It is what troubles the Kingdom," I speak softly, clearing my throat gaze traveling the length of the library, "It is why I am here early. I hoped to find something here that could enlighten me more. I recall a section of books with some knowledge of it."
She nods at my reply, glancing at the floor for a moment, "Well, I must work, b-but if you wish for an extra pair of hands I could help for a while-"
"You wish to help?" I am taken aback.
She nods and I watch religiously as a small smile lifts a corner of her lips, "It is what friends do," she shrugged.
I can not help but stare at her. If only she knew how many times I had needed a friend.
"Shall we begin?" she trails off and I nod, showing her the way.
I hear something fall behind me, but I ignore it.
There are questions I have that only she can answer. And there is a puzzle I must solve that has been built around her.
She has pieces I want.
Pieces I need to get what I truly desire.
And I will not fail.