🎵 hyewadong - park boram
On the third day you call in sick, you feel like you're getting sick for real. At first it was just an excuse to avoid meeting people, especially Jeonghan. What happened still feels unreal, one minute everything is going well for you, the next minute you're like the enemy of the universe.
One minute you decide not to let your remaining love for Jeonghan grow, the next minute you feel helpless because you just can't stop it. One minute he says he doesn't love Rena, yet suddenly he's all over the news.
Not in the best mood to wander around outside, you can only depend on electronic entertainment to fill your day. The problem is whenever you're in the middle of something, there's always news about Jeonghan.
...Yoon Jeonghan confirmed the reason why he finally opened up to the public was to avoid misunderstandings about the viral pictures...
"Why didn't I announce it sooner? Ah.. I don't feel confident. She's the niece of our CEO after all."
Feeling tired at the non stop notifications, out of exhaustion, you decided to deactivate all of your social media. There are still more than 99+ messages that you need to read. Did you check, of course not.
With a long lazy groan, you force yourself to get out of bed. It's already 12:15 in the afternoon when you decide to lie down for another fifteen minutes to make the number even. Although you ended up spending another forty-five minutes hugging your pillow.
Seeing your reflection in the mirror only makes you want to hide under the covers again. Hair hasn't been washed for almost three days, dark circles under the eyes look like they've been punched, skin looks dry from skipping skincare routines. If you take part in the casting of zombie actors, you're sure that you will pass.
"I don't dislike her, my ass." You mimicked Jeonghan's tone while applying your favorite shampoo all over your hair. Foam scatters everywhere.
Cold showers obviously won't magically erase dark circles and freckles on your cheekbones. Too lazy to spend the next twenty minutes drying your hair, you just wrap your wet hair in a towel.
"Honestly Y/N why are you so upset? Do you like him that much?" You said to yourself as you cut a few slices of cold cucumber--a little too hard that your knife leave marks on the cutting board.
The cool sensation once you put them on your eye bags is so refreshing it's like soaking in a pool in the middle of summer. But once the thrill wears off, you realize looking out the window to find a bleak winter sky isn't such a good idea.
"I do like him that much." You sighed before taking a big bite of the remaining cucumber.
With the towel still on your head and the cucumber in your mouth, you sat hugging your knees staring at the TV screen showing the Netflix series: Emily in Paris. It's been on your list for months since it hasn't been released, you were excited for it at first, but when you watch it now, not even a smile can be found.
"Because this city is filled with... with love." One sentence from the series alone is enough to make your face frown.
"Yuck." You took a deep breath while letting your body fall sideways on the sofa.
As your eyes start to close, a loud bang wakes you up in an instant. Never in your life have you lifted your body back up so quickly.
"Who is it?" You walk towards the front door while putting on a hoodie over your thin sweater.
Not getting any answer, you unlock the door only to find a familiar figure standing with his back facing you. That person notice you've opened the door and look over his shoulder. When your eyes meet Seungcheol's, you can feel goosebumps all over your body. His eyes were shining in anticipation as if he had been waiting for that moment.
"YA!" Seungcheol held the door with his foot while slowly pushing the door back when you hastily closed it again.
"What are you doing here??" You grit your teeth as you press your side body against the door.
"What else?? To check if you're still breathing??" He just pushed a little harder but you already staggered backwards.
"I'm breathing juuuust fine so you can go home now!"
"Okay, STOP being so childish--" Seungcheol easily overpowered you, taking the chance to barge inside.
The moment he stepped inside, you took five steps back and stood behind your couch. Seungcheol stays in the same place, pointing at the spot right in front of him, demanding you to come closer.
"Come." He raised a brow, not breaking any eye contact as he wait. You, who is usually stubborn have no choice but complied to his alpha aura.
"Just how long are you going to avoid us?" He asked with arms crossed.
"I'm not avoiding. I'm trying not to cause trouble for everyone anymore." Your voice weakens as you answer.
"By avoiding us?"
"By keeping my distance." You correct Seungcheol a little just to get a glare from him. Feeling defeated, you then say, "I just don't want to be a burden anymore."
"Whose burden? What burden? You haven't even discussed it with us, you yourself think this is the best way out for all of us." Seungcheol is mad at this point that you don't have the courage to talk back.
"Rather than doing this for our sake, you're actually being quite selfish." He continued, "This silent treatment isn't working, it won't. Even Seungkwan cried about it."
Imagining Seungkwan who used to always bring laughter now crying makes you feel like a failure as a friend. Maybe Seungcheol was right--you're just being selfish coward. When you think avoiding is the best way, maybe you just want to be safe all by yourself. Maybe you secretly hope that things out there will get better on their own when you hide and do nothing.
"I just," You didn't even bother fixing your towel when it fell. Your half wet hair fell over your shoulders, "I just don't want you guys to get in trouble because of me. It's just not worth it."
"Name one problem and if you can convince me that you are the cause, then I will leave you alone." Seungcheol took your towel and put it on the couch.
"Well," You stutter at the sudden challenge.
"Don't even mention about the Paris incident. It was nobody's fault and a clarification has been made, no?" He interrupted.
In your head, you're certain about what you want to say, the reason you've locked yourself inside for the last few days--you're afraid the hate you've got will reach the members as well. But every time those words are on the tip of your tongue, the look in Seungcheol's eyes makes you back down.
"You can't." He finally declared.
Seeing you stunned, Seungcheol decided to soften his face again. When he opens your apartment door, you feel your stomach turn. You don't normally feel this tense about something like this.
Seungcheol grabbed your shoulders then pushed your back gently, "Let's go."
"Go where? Wait-- I don't think it's a good idea for you to be seen with me." You try to escape but Seungcheol has already closed the door behind him.
"EAT. You look like a skeleton walking straight out of biology class." He glared when you refused to take a step forward, "Please stop worrying too much."
The elevator ride was silent. On its way down you just remembered you haven't asked Seungcheol whether he came alone or not, whether Jeonghan was there or not. Honestly, you're not ready to meet Jeonghan, especially if you have to see him with Rena.
As soon as the elevator doors open, you both are greeted by a dim light came from a car parked not far on the right side of the basement. Seeing the car come closer reminds you of Jeonghan's car the other time. Slowly the driver rolled down his window--Wonwoo greeted you with his warm smile. From the back seat Seungkwan leaned forward waving like a puppy's tail.
"I was really scared when I couldn't find your Instagram." You and Seungkwan sat in the back seat. He was helping you with your tangled hair--although he pulled it once out of annoyance.
"We have no problem being seen together with you. Over time the media will get used to it." Seungcheol look over his shoulder from the front passenger seat.
"Alright, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have locked myself in suddenly like that." You gently pat Seungkwan on the shoulder as a sign of gratitude.
"So you're coming skiing with us, right?" Asked Seungkwan. The question makes you look at the other two men with a questionable look.
"W...hat skiing? What did I miss?" You don't remember proposing skiing for any episodes of GoSe, "You guys are still on a schedule break, no?"
"That's why we go skiing instead of exploring that haunted dusty warehouse?" Seungcheol just couldn't waste the opportunity to talk about the past episode again.
"Jeonghan wants to teach us how to ski. So we plan to go to Yong Pyong this winter." Wonwoo finally joins in on the conversation after a while, he glances at you through the rearview mirror.
"Is that so." You remember Jeonghan being the best skier in university.
"Can I not come?"
"No." Seungcheol said.
"Do I get to choose?"
"No." This time Seungkwan said.
"Then what was your question for?" You frowned at Seungkwan. He bursts into laughter when you grab his knuckles trying to bite him.
"I have a feeling you aren't trying to avoid us but to avoid Jeonghan." Seungcheol even turned his upper body to look back now, "It's not embarrassing to admit you still like him."
As if your day wasn't dramatic enough, you see white beads falling from the sky and land gently on your front window. One, and another one, and another more.
"Oh. It's finally snowing." Wonwoo turned on the wipers to keep his vision clear.
"Honestly?" You mutter as you still looking at the snow falling outside, "I keep telling myself that it's impossible to still love someone who makes you wonder what went wrong for so many years."
Wonwoo put free arm around Seungcheol's shoulder to make his brother face forward again. He slightly shook his head when Seungcheol gave him a questioning look.
While watching the falling snow you rest your back against the warm car seat, head leaning against the window, "I guess I was in denial. I do still love him."
No one said anything after that but you appreciate the silence. It's just a song playing softly on the radio. Your eyes feel heavy as the seconds pass. Before you fell asleep, your eyes met Wonwoo's, who was secretly looking at you through the rearview mirror.