Tsukishima Kei was feeling frustrated, on multiple levels.
A week and a half had now passed since the mess that Karasuno's post-Nationals celebration had become. And while Kei and Nakano were still very firmly a couple, things were not entirely right between them.
At the moment, they were walking to school together, hand in hand. Anyone looking at the pair would have smiled and thought them a sweet couple. Kei, however, felt only the frustration of wanting to pull his girl close to him, to wrap his arm around her shoulders and feel her arm snake around his waist - to walk together in their favorite way and feel like everything was normal again.
But everything was most decidedly not normal. Everything felt - awkward. Strange. And it was making the blonde middle blocker irritated, sad and angry by turns. His frustration with the entire situation was mounting daily, and yet, he had no idea what to do about it. There were so many things bothering him right now, he hardly knew where to begin dealing with them all.
Volleyball practice was probably the least disturbing of all the things he had on his mind at the moment. And yet, it was still bothering him. The team had banded together, and was now focused on two goals: preparing themselves for the departure of the third years, and preparing Nakano to try out for the girls team in April. Tadashi had done exactly as he said he would, and gotten the whole team involved in helping Nakano get ready for her eventual tryouts. Even in just the last week and a half, Kei could see the change in his girl, when it came to volleyball. The setter was definitely seeming more confident on the court, and he could tell her stamina was increasing. He'd made a point of trying to have more frequent discussions with her about how her legs were progressing, and Nakano herself was feeling fairly confident about her prospects to be out of the braces by April, at least, for most things. While the girl was still uncertain, Kei was absolutely positive the girls team would take her in. They'd be insane not to, the boy thought, his eyes lingering on the setter's face as they walked, she's incredible. Sudo-san's made no secret of the fact that she wants the girls team to surpass the boys this coming year, and she knows that Nakano will be a key part in making that a reality. Nakano had already had several conversations with Ennoshita and Coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei about making a stronger connection between the girls and boys teams - joint practices, practice games, and even co-ed training camps had all been discussed. Assuming Nakano was accepted into the girls team, she'd be coming with a proposal for the two teams to work together on improving both team's chances of making it to Nationals next season. With all of that in the works, even though she'll be part of a different team, we'll still get to spend a fair bit of time together playing volleyball, Kei told himself, so it's not like we're suddenly just not going to see each other at all anymore. Sure, it'll be different, but life is all about change. You have to try to remember that, idiot. We have to be able to deal with change if we're going to be together for the long haul. And not just external change either, but change in our lives and in our relationship, and even in ourselves. Kei grimaced to himself as he repeated this same litany once again...only to still not feel very much better. Losing their connection of being on the same team still felt daunting, especially given how the blonde was feeling about so many other aspects of their relationship right now.
Naturally, the drugging incident was still at the forefront of his concerns for Nakano. Though she'd taken the news reasonably well the morning after, as the days had passed, the girl had become more and more withdrawn. They'd talked about it, and Nakano had assured him that she was not at all upset with him, and yet, when they were alone, as they were now, the strawberry blonde was frequently distracted, and seemed preoccupied. He knew she had to be thinking about what had happened. At first, in the days following the incident, she'd asked him a ton of questions - what exactly had she done or said, how had she reacted to things, prodding him and probing his memory of the incident for minute details. After several days of this (and Kei snapping at the girl more than once about it, despite his attempts to remember that she was the one who needed support from him), she'd simply stopped asking. She'd largely stopped talking at all when they were together, unless he forced her into a conversation. He was less and less willing to do so, trying hard to be understanding and give her the time and space she needed to process what had happened to her. And so, much of their alone time was now spent in what Kei considered to be awkward silence. And he hated it. Silence between them had never been awkward before, and he found it to be absolutely horrid that it was now. It was wearing on him, and he really didn't know how much more of it he would be able to take. At the same time, however, he felt like a selfish bastard. After all, he was not the one who'd been drugged, who'd had his memories robbed from him. He could only speculate on how the girl was actually feeling inside as she dealt with this. He'd gotten her to talk about it once or twice, but she had had a great deal of trouble articulating her feelings, and so Kei had simply reassured her that when she was ready to talk about it, he would be there.
And yet the waiting was killing him. He desperately wanted to just sit the girl down and make her talk everything out with him, so they could get past it all and move on. But that wasn't fair of him. He sighed as he looked over at his lovely lady, her face a mask of concern, and her lower lip caught between her teeth. He desperately wanted to reach over and remove it, soothe those lips with his kisses.
Nakano suddenly started, turning to face her sweetheart. A wry smile slipped on to her face, making her look somewhat less worried. "I did it again, didn't I? I'm really sorry, Kei." I zoned out again, she realized, thinking about what happened that night - or at least trying to. I've got to come to grips with the fact that I'm simply never going to be able to force those memories to the surface, because for me, those memories don't exist. "I'm sorry," the blue-eyed girl apologized again, "I...I've got this desperate need to try to remember memories that just aren't there. It's...it's got me feeling a little off-kilter, I guess."
"I know," Kei said softly, trying to keep his voice and his visage gentle, trying not to let his irritation with the whole situation show. "I wish I could help."
The girl gave his hand a fond squeeze. "You are helping, just by allowing me the time I need to work through this. I know this isn't easy on you, Kei." The girl looked down at her feet, and Kei suppressed a sigh. She deserves all the time she needs to come to grips with what's happened, he told himself, for her, I can wait. I can absolutely wait. There's no need for me...
"Roses," he found himself saying, his voice sounding tremulous to his ears, "Can I...uh..." He gave the hand he was holding a small squeeze. "I mean, not that hand holding isn't nice...but..." His throat seemed to dry up, and he found himself having difficulty asking his girlfriend, this amazing girl with whom he'd shared so many wonderful nights of physical pleasure, if he could please, please just put his arm around her.
Since they'd gotten past that first morning...Nakano had sort of shied away from his touches. Not overtly, not horribly, but he could feel her flinch. It had been days before he'd been able to take her hand without her seeming to be shocked by the contact. It had made him cautious, and frankly, a little afraid.
"Oh Kei, of course you can," she replied, slipping an arm around his waist and smiling up at him as he settled his arm around her shoulders. He felt her tense, just ever so slightly, which made him start to pull away again. "Don't pull away...I'm sorry, love. I just...I'm feeling so conflicted about...a lot of things right now. It's made me rather hypersensitive, I think. Please, please love, bear with me, okay?
"I will," he said, cuddling her gently into his side, "You know I will, Roses."
Dammit, he's being so patient, so gentle with me, Nakano thought, once again slipping into her own head, and yet every time he touches me, all I can think of is how I touched him, but I don't remember it. It's driving me mad. I want to remember that moment so much...because I'm pretty sure he won't ever forget that moment. That should have been something special between us - but now that chance is gone forever. How do I come to grips with that?
Tsukishima watched as his girl once again got caught up in her own head, gaze slipping away from him and into a place only she could see. He sighed, grateful at least for the chance to walk together in their familiar way. It did feel good, to have her cuddled against him again. We're gonna be okay, he thought, trying to reassure himself, this isn't going to break us. It's just...going to take some time. He sighed again, knowing that he was saying such things to himself in the hopes that he'd believe it. As he watched Nakano once again begin to worry at her lower lip, he straightened, holding her just a touch tighter. You're such an idiot, he chided himself, she needs you right now. She's been hurt, and she needs you to be the strong one. So man up, asshole, and be there for her.
Despite his firm words to himself, Kei could feel his own frustration lying in the pit of his stomach like a meal he couldn't digest.
He'd been trying for almost ten days now to set his own worries and fears and wants and desires aside and just be there for Nakano. But every day it seemed to get more and more difficult. He'd considered calling Kuroo and talking with him about what had happened, but he felt a bit conflicted about that idea. For his bro to really understand what was going on, Kei would have to explain what had happened to Nakano. And he wasn't sure the girl would want that. She'd been horribly embarrassed their first day back to school after the incident - so much so that she'd almost skipped out on volleyball practice. She'd even had trouble looking Tadashi in the eye that morning - and their freckled best friend had noticed immediately, pulling the girl aside and asking her what would be easier for her, if she wanted reassurance, or if she wanted the team to act like nothing had happened. Kei had assumed Nakano would choose the latter, figuring the girl wouldn't want everyone to dwell on it.
When she'd asked Tadashi for reassurance, he'd been shocked. And worried.
Sure enough, the girl had panicked as practice time had approached, no longer sure if she could deal with her teammates all bringing up what had happened to her, talking about how she had behaved, asking her what she remembered. They'd made it through that day, and of course everyone on the team had been very supportive - even Tanaka and Noya had been kind and gentle to the setter. But would Nakano be willing to have another person know about this - even if that person was Kuroo-bro? Kei honestly wasn't sure, and really didn't feel like he was ready to open that can of worms right now.
And that very fact only added to his frustration.
In the course of their relationship, the two of them had talked about so many things. So many trials and difficulties that they had each faced. Some were very painful, some had left scars that ran deep into their very souls. These talks had not always been easy, but they'd had them, and always - always! - they'd emerged from them a stronger, happier, more grounded couple.
And now here he was, not even sure how to bring up the subject of asking the girl if he could discuss what had happened with Kuroo.
Every time we've been through this, one of us has been the rock the other could lean on, he considered as they walked along towards Karasuno, each of them lost in their own thoughts, but now, it's like we're both in need of a rock to lean on, and neither one of us is stable enough to support the other. I feel like...I feel like we're having trouble connecting with each other. How do we address that? What can I do to close this weird gap I feel like we've developed between us? I've never felt like we had to work at connecting before. We just - did. It was effortless. But life has thrown us a hell of a curve ball right now, and served us up a stark reminder that not everything about our relationship will always be so effortless. Relationships take work, sometimes hard work. I know that. And if ever there was someone I would be willing to work hard for, it's her. He looked over at her once more, seeing the shimmer of her hair as they walked in the morning sunlight. He couldn't stop a small smile from creeping on to his face.
But as they continued on, Nakano's strawberry blonde hair swung away from her face, revealing to him her blue eyes, normally so brilliant, so full of life, now dulled with worry and concern. The smile slipped away as quickly as it had come, and Kei let another sigh escape him, this one long and deep. His pretty girl noticed, looking up at him.
"I'm sorry, love," she began again, and Kei suddenly found himself growing irritated with her frequent apologies, "were you trying to get my attention?"
"No, it's fine. I was just thinking. Stop apologizing, Roses. I know this is a tough time for you. So just...do what you need to do. I told you, when you're ready, I'll be right here."
He watched as a pink blush overtook Nakano's cheeks. "Thank you, Kei. I'm sorry I..."
"Enough, Nakano. Enough apologies. I really don't want to hear any more of them."
His aggravated tone took the girl by surprise, causing her to almost apologize again. She swallowed the words that had crept to her lips, giving out with a small sigh of her own. He's so frustrated, I can see that, she thought, and in more ways than one.
Kei watched as the rosy blush on Nakano's cheeks deepened, becoming a proper flush. He felt his own cheeks heating up as he realized what the girl must be thinking. That his frustrations were not solely caused by the mental and emotional challenges they were facing, but also some physical challenges. If only she knew the half of it, he mused, then she'd really be blushing.
During the past ten days, the couple had done little more than sit and cuddle together when they were alone, often with a show or a movie on in the background that neither one of them had payed any attention to at all. Kei had tried, once or twice, to deepen a kiss, or to linger in a more intimate touch...only to back off at Nakano's startled reactions. This had been the beginning of her current string of apologies, and Kei had naturally insisted that it was alright, there was no rush, that he could be patient.
And yet, his horny teenage boy mind insisted on constantly reminding him how good it had felt when she'd stroked him that night.
And it had felt good. So damn fucking good. He wanted to feel that way again, and soon. But he knew he had to wait for her to want that too, and it would be entirely unfair of him to push in that direction in any way. And so, he continued swallowing his frustration and waiting.
After a week of hand holding and chaste kisses, Kei had awoken one morning sweaty and hard, his mind filled with lingering images from his dreams of being with Nakano. He'd needed to get off, to release the tension he was feeling. He'd jumped into a shower, stroking himself even before he'd gotten the water turned on.
It didn't help.
He'd been unable to make himself come. It just...didn't feel good. Not as good as it had felt when she'd touched him, even for that brief moment.
He'd almost cried in the shower, he was so frustrated. How ridiculous was it that he couldn't even jack off? Was his body now so desperate to feel her touch again that nothing else would do? Standing in that shower, swearing to himself that it was only shower water dripping down his cheeks, he'd had a mad thought of going to Nakano and flat out begging the girl to do something, anything, to make him come, because he was no longer able to do it himself at all.
The absurdity of that, given the current situation they were in, had brought him back to his senses. There was no way she was ready for that right now - and he was certainly not going to make things worse by demanding it. He'd turned the water to nothing but cold, and given himself a very stern talking to. Frustrated he might be, but he was not going to take that fact out on Nakano.
The way he'd just done by snapping at her.
"Sorry," he mumbled, "I didn't mean to be so...harsh."
Nakano chuckled at him fondly, if a little sadly, squeezing him a little tighter. "We really are quite a pair, aren't we?"
"Yeah," he replied, a wry note in his voice, "we really are, Roses." He rubbed gently at her shoulder, his eyes not meeting hers. "I...uh...I hope we always will be..." he finished, voice almost inaudible.
"Hey," she said, stopping their forward motion and turning to stand in front of him. "Of course we will. I'm not giving up on you, gorgeous, so don't you dare give up on me."
He saw the strawberry blonde's blue eyes brighten, and heard the sass in her voice, and he couldn't help but smile. "Never," he said, and suddenly found himself on the receiving end of an enthusiastic kiss. He felt the heavy knot in his stomach ease as the girl kissed him, lingering just a touch past when she probably should have given that they were out and about in public.
Kei smiled softly as they resumed walking, just holding hands this time, as Nakano waved vigorously to Tadashi up ahead in the distance. She loves me, and I love her more than I can explain, he thought to himself, and because of that love, we'll get through this. There's no way I'm giving up on her, not without a fight. Nakano would literally have to demand that I leave her. That's the only way I'll let her go.
And what if she did just that, his mind supplied, what would you do then?
He felt his blood run cold at the mere thought.
He nodded at Yamaguchi's chipper 'good morning,' simply watching his girl and his best friend chat amiably about the day, what was happening in school, that afternoon's practice, the trivia of life.
As if nothing at all were wrong.
She's fine with him, his mind thrust at him, it's only you she's different for.
But that's because she knows she doesn't have to put up a front with me, his logical self responded, she can be who she is without fear, knowing I'll accept whatever she is, whatever she's feeling. She knows that I will love her no matter what.
Or maybe, his self-deprecating side offered, maybe she knows you're not enough, and she's not willing to work so hard on you anymore. Maybe she's just trying to find that right way to tell you that once again, you're not good enough. You've never been good enough before. What makes you think this time will be any different?
He shook his head lightly, trying to clear away his intrusive thoughts. Stop this, you moron, he chided himself, you know if she could hear your thoughts, she'd slap you. Nakano herself has told me I'm not allowed to think that way any longer. So knock it the hell off, right now. Kei tried to bring a smile to his face, looking up as Nakano began to laugh at something Tadashi was saying.
And he felt fear once again begin to tighten that knot in his stomach.
🏐🏐🏐
It was Wednesday, and Yamaguchi and Tsukishima had wound up settled at the top of the stairwell, just inside the door that led to the roof, for Best Friend Lunch. It was a surprisingly warm and cozy spot, given the chill that lay just beyond the door Tsukishima found himself leaning against as he nibbled on his lunch.
Their original plan was to go to the gym, but as he and Tadashi had started walking that direction, they'd spotted Kageyama and Nakano up ahead of them. After a moment's hesitation, Kei decided to let them have the gym. Maybe Nakano would be able to work a few things out if she could talk to Kageyama someplace quiet and familiar. He'd come to a halt, turning to Tadashi to suggest returning to their classroom, when he realized that his old friend was already making his way towards the stairs to the roof. Tsukishima had raised an eyebrow, but followed along without a word.
Yamaguchi was not about to let Tsukishima off the hook today.
He'd watched his two blonde friends struggle over the past week and a half. Well, struggle wasn't really the right word. Anyone else probably wouldn't even have noticed anything, but Tadashi knew Tsukki almost better than he knew himself, and he could tell something was really irritating the tall middle blocker. As always, it was unlikely Tsukishima would start this process, but Yamaguchi decided to give him the chance before demanding that the recalcitrant blonde start talking.
The pair were almost half way through lunch, and thus far, the most interesting topic of conversation they'd settled on was Daichi's recent announcement that he and Suga would be attending Miyagi University together. There had been much speculation among their teammates about how well the university would survive their two new incoming freshmen, though in Kei's opinion, Tohoku University was in far more dire straits, given that both Kuroo and Bokuto would be among the new students starting there in about a month and a half. However, even that amusing topic had quickly run dry, and now the two were just sitting on the stairs, quietly munching and listening to the sound of the wind howling on the rooftop. Yamaguchi had almost decided on a frontal assault on the real topic that needed to be discussed, when Tsukishima suddenly spoke up again.
"So, Yamaguchi, how are things going between you and Yachi?"
Well, at least now we've made it to the subject of girlfriends, Tadashi thought wryly, doing his best to try to control the slight blush that had come to his face. "I'd say pretty well, actually, Tsukki. I think Hitoka has begun to relax a little, and get used to the idea of us being a couple. We hold hands almost all the time now, and..."
"Wait a second...did you just call her Hitoka?" Tsukishima leveled a devastating smirk at the brunette.
Yamaguchi could feel the heat rise in his cheeks again, despite his best efforts to keep it under control. This only made Tsukki's smirk creep in the direction of a leer. Tadashi cleared his throat and tried to make his voice sound as snarky as his best friend's. "Well, she is my girlfriend after all, Tsukki. So yes, I call her by her first name now. And I kiss her regularly too, if you must know."
The leer was now firmly entrenched on Tsukishima's face. "Do you now, Yamaguchi? You sound awfully pleased with yourself. Are you sure you're just kissing?"
Yamaguchi choked slightly on his beef and potato stew, making him stutter. "Sh-shut up, Tsukki."
Tsukishima scoffed. "I told you before, Tadashi, I won't be apologizing to you." The taller boy's look softened however. "Good to hear that she's feeling a little more comfortable with the idea of your relationship, though. I'm sure that's got to make you feel an awful lot better about things." Yamaguchi did not fail to notice the wistful look that had come over his friend's face. "Sounds like you'll definitely be getting some homemade chocolate for Valentine's Day, huh Tadashi?"
Well, that's not a good sign, Tadashi thought, he almost looks like he doesn't think he'll be getting any chocolates from Naka-chan. I need to work him around to talking about whatever it is that's got him so tied up in knots. But first...time for the annual reminder. "Speaking of Valentine's Day, Tsukki," Tadashi said briskly, "I hope you'll be kind to the girls who want to give you chocolate this year."
Tsukishima scoffed again, impressively. "Are you kidding, Tadashi? Why would I want to do that? It would only encourage them, and that is the last thing I want to do."
"Tsukki, last year you actually made several of the girls cry..."
"Because they were trying to force me into taking their stupid chocolate when I didn't want it. And this year I've got an even better reason to reject any other girl who tries to give me chocolates - I've got a girlfriend, remember?"
"I know that, Tsukki, but..."
Tsukishima was actually beginning to get a little agitated now. "Do you think Nakano wants me to accept chocolate from other girls? That maybe she'd prefer it if some other girl were there to deal with my pushy self so she doesn't have to? Is that what you think, Tadashi?"
Now where did that come from, Tadashi wondered. He sighed deeply, shaking his head and then looking up to meet his friend's golden eyes. "No, Tsukki, I didn't say that. And I don't think Nakano is looking to have anyone else deal with you, pushy or not. But I also don't think Naka-chan would be very happy with you if you were deliberately mean to those girls. She doesn't like it when you act like a jerk, Tsukki."
Yamaguchi watched as his friend's face morphed from rather irritated, to shocked, to completely abashed. It was as if, all of sudden, all the fight went out of Tsukishima, and now he simply looked tired and perhaps even a little scared. Tadashi leaned over, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder.
"Tsukki, what's happened? What do you think you've done that Nakano would think was pushy?"
The blonde sighed deeply, setting his bento aside and just looking down into his own lap for a moment. "Tadashi," he began softly, still not looking up, "do you remember, right after the whole thing at that last volleyball camp..."
"You mean, after Hitoka and I kissed during the Spin the Bottle game?"
"Yeah...remember how you wanted to do that again? How you were wanting more from her, but didn't really know how to go about getting it without seeming like a jerk?" Tadashi was nodding, but Kei's eyes were still focused downward. "Well...after...what happened at the party...that night, at my house..."
"Tsukki," Yamaguchi breathed out, dismay coloring his voice, "did...did you guys..."
Tsukishima's eyes snapped up, a scowl coming across his face. "Nothing like that. I'd never have allowed that, not when she was in that condition, Yamaguchi." After that firm declaration, however, the boy's gaze fell down once more. "But...she did...well..." Color was creeping up Tsukki's face, and he suddenly scoffed, becoming annoyed with himself and his hesitancy to talk about what had happened while sitting in a school stairwell. "Let's just say we did something we'd not done before. And I really liked it, Tadashi. And I want to do it again. But Nakano...Nakano doesn't have any memory of that happening. And it...it's..." Kei suddenly let his face fall into his hands, feeling overwhelmed and like a completely selfish bastard.
"It's been really hard on her, hasn't it, Tsukki?" Kei groaned in response. "I can't even begin to imagine what that must feel like. To not have any memories of what you were doing, or how you acted, but to have other people know it, and tell you about it...that's got to be such a weird feeling. And Naka-chan is gonna need some time to process that, just like Hitoka needs time to process what she's dealing with. No matter how much we might want to, Tsukki, we can't ever really know what another person is thinking. The only way we can really know that, is if we can get them to tell us. And that means being willing to tell them how we are feeling too. But you know all this already...I know you and Nakano have already dealt with stuff like this. So...what's different this time?"
Tsukishima looked up at his old friend. "I just...I don't want to pressure her...but...this waiting is killing me. I feel like we're staring at each from across a gorge that keeps getting wider. It's driving me nuts, Tadashi. I just want to make her sit down with me and work it all out so we can put it behind us and things can be like they were before! Dammit...why did this have to happen? And why is it making me feel...so...frustrated?!" Tsukishima punctuated his sentence with a fist against the door to the roof, the sound echoing loudly in the stairwell.
"Things will never be like they were before, Tsukki, and you know it."
Tsukishima froze, his heartbeat pounding loudly in his ears.
"But that's okay. Because I don't think you really want to go backwards, do you? You want to keep moving forward. Even when that's tough to do. I think you and Naka-chan are both helping each other find your way forward to better things. And I think that's why you're frustrated, Tsukki. Because you know going backwards isn't really an option, and something about going forward is making you afraid. I'm guessing that something has to do with...uh...your intimate relationship."
Tsukishima stared at the freckled boy in front of him, entirely dumbstruck. Was Tadashi actually about to offer him advice on what to do regarding his sex life? Tsukki wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the notion, cry at the fact that he kinda felt like he needed some advice, or just scream at the frustration of it all. In the end, all he could do was sit and stare as Yamaguchi plunged onward.
"You mentioned something happened...something you hadn't done before. So I'm guessing that something you weren't expecting happened while Naka-chan was drugged out of her mind...and that you didn't stop things quickly enough. Which probably left you feeling horribly guilty. But I know Naka-chan would never hold that against you, and you've already said things didn't go too far, so I bet now you're feeling frustrated and guilty because you're anxious to do whatever it was again. I mean, you basically said as much. And that's understandable, Tsukki. Wanting to do things like that with your girlfriend is natural! But think about things from Naka-chan's point of view. She's got to be feeling pretty upset that something like that happened and she can't even remember it. I'm sure she's noticed that you're feeling anxious and frustrated, and that's probably making things even worse for her! I mean, think about it...can you imagine how she might be feeling? I assume you told her about what happened, and that she knows that you really enjoyed it. She knows you want it to happen again - but what if she isn't ready? She's got to be worried about that, Tsukki. She's got to be wondering how long you're gonna be willing to wait for her...or if maybe you might be wanting to look somewhere else for what you need, if she's not able to provide it for you."
Tsukishima finally found his voice. "Never! I would never, you know that..."
"Yes, Tsukki, I know that. And Naka-chan probably knows it too...intellectually speaking. But with everything she's dealing with right now, there might well be an emotional voice in her head telling her that maybe she just isn't enough for you. Have you told her how you feel lately? Have you really shown her, or straight out told her, exactly what's happening with you? You said you felt like there was a widening gorge growing between you, Tsukki...but what have you done to bridge that gap? Or have you just been wondering how to get to the end of this trial so you can get what you want? Believe me, I know it can be hard to wait when you're wanting to move things forward and your girlfriend might not be ready yet. But did you ever stop to consider that you're actually making it harder for Nakano by the way you're acting?"
The blonde's eyes widened, as his mind turned over what Tadashi had just said. Could she really be thinking that I'm...unhappy? Dissatisfied? I mean, I guess I could see that...but it's not like I want anyone else...I want her! Gods, it's all I think about these days, I swear... A wry sort of smirk came over the boy's face as he realized what his friend was telling him. A chortle escaped from Tsukki at this, and he finally seemed to relax a little bit. "So what you're telling me is I should think with my heart, and not with my dick, eh, Tadashi?"
Yamaguchi choked, spluttering and coughing as his best friend smirked gloriously at him. It took the freckle-faced young man several minutes to get his breathing back under control, but when he finally did, he leveled a smirk of his own at the blonde across from him. "Actually, that's a pretty good summation of it, Tsukki."
The two chuckled at each other. "Well, you're not wrong, Tadashi," Kei said at last, "I know I've probably been very selfish. I...I don't mean to be. But you're right, Nakano has been through something very difficult. I need to be more supportive..."
"What you need to do more than anything, Tsukki, is talk to her, not to me."
As the pair finished up their lunch and readied themselves to get back to class, Tsukishima settled his features, steadfastly refusing to listen to his own emotional voice in his head telling him that maybe the real problem was that Nakano did remember what had happened...and wasn't particularly interested in what he had to offer.
🏐🏐🏐
Kageyama Tobio was stretched out on the floor of the gym, lying in a pool of sunlight and looking for all the world like a giant cat. Nakano was chuckling at him. The pair had been sitting in the gym and chatting, but when the Sun had made its presence known, Tobio had moved immediately to stretch himself out in the warmth.
"Honestly, Tobio, I really am beginning to think you are part feline. What makes lying in the Sun so attractive to you?"
"Don't knock it until you've tried it, Naka-chan," the boy replied, sounding a little sleepy and very comfy.
The blue-eyed girl chuckled and settled herself down next to her best friend. Within moments, the warmth of the Sun had her stretching her limbs to their fullest extent, and before she knew it, she was laid out next to her fellow setter, sighing contentedly.
"Okay...this actually is rather nice," she said, letting herself relax fully.
"Told ya," Kageyama said, a smug smile coming over his face. "So, you wanna talk about it? 'Cause you know I'll listen, even if you do need to talk about your stupid ass boyfriend."
Nakano barked out a laugh, which would have been more harsh if the sunlight weren't making her feel so languid. "I think part of why this has worked out so well, Tobio-chan, is that I've maintained the idea that you really don't need to know that much about my love life."
Tobio scoffed loudly. "And normally, I'd agree with you. Honestly, I don't want to know about your love life. But if you need to talk something out, you know I'm here."
Nakano sighed again, this time, a little less contentedly. "Thanks, Big Bro. I'm just...feeling a little overwhelmed, I guess. There's an awful lot happening right now, and..."
"Quit trying to pretend this isn't about what happened when that jerk drugged you. It's okay for that to have messed you up a bit. Is Tsukishima being a dumbass about it?"
"No. He's trying so hard to be so understanding. I think...I think it might be me who's being the jerk, Tobio," Nakano replied softly, "I'm feeling a bit tangled up inside, and I'm just not sure how to get myself untangled."
"I'm sure you're not being a jerk Nakano...or if you are, it isn't intentional. Maybe I'm not the one you need to be talking about it to, huh?"
Nakano smiled. Tobio, for all his brash nature and occasional total cluelessness, could actually be rather perceptive when he wanted to be. "I think you might be right about that, Tobio-chan. But...it's also been really hard for me to talk to Kei...because I'm the one who did something she can't remember. So...I feel like it's rather unfair of me to ask him to wait for me to...well...catch up with me, if that makes any sense. Ugh...I can't even explain how I'm feeling to myself! How am I supposed to make you, or Kei, or anyone else understand?! I feel like I'm just a big giant ball of confusion right now." The girl sighed deeply, falling silent and letting her thoughts turn inward once again.
The two simply lay in the Sun, side by side, saying nothing. At long last, Nakano was about to suggest getting themselves headed back in the direction of the classroom, when suddenly the raven-haired setter spoke up again.
"How are you feeling about your chances with the girls' team?"
"Really good. Pretty good. Definitely good." Tobio scoffed, and Nakano sighed again. "Okay, still a bit nervous. My doctor says that by April I should be able to go without the braces for most things. That's cutting it a little close, but I'm hopeful. You guys have really been working me hard, and I'm so grateful to the whole team. I mean, you should be getting ready for your own transition and..."
"We are getting ready for our transition. We have to make sure you are ready to be a player, and we have to be ready to be without our student coach. As long as we know you're happy on the girls team, we'll be okay. This is part of volleyball, Naka-chan. Teams change. Players come and go. If we can't get used to this, then this team was a just a fluke. But I don't think that's the case. I think Karasuno is back, and that we can keep the momentum this group of players started."
Nakano rolled on to her side, looking at her best friend's thoughtful face. "I think you're right, Kags. I don't think this team was a fluke. But I was awful happy to be a part of it, and I'm going to miss you guys."
"No you won't. We're gonna be working to get the girls team on the same track, right? So you won't be missing us. We're gonna be there for you and your whole team, Naka-chan. Just like you're gonna be there for us. Try to remember that when you get to thinking that you're leaving us behind. You're really not. We're just...branching out."
Nakano blinked at the mischievous little grin on her best friend's face, and the twinkle in his dark blue eyes. "Kageyama Tobio, you are really something else," she breathed out, giving his shoulder a little shove.
"Come on, Little Sis," Kageyama said, sitting up, "We'd better clean up and head back to class."
As the pair tidied up from their lunch, Nakano decided it was her turn to ask a question. "So, Tobio-chan...we're well past the National tournament now. When are you gonna talk to Hinata?"
The girl suppressed a chuckle as the boy dropped his bento box on the floor.
"I...uh...I've been thinking about that," he said, voice just a touch shaky. "No, really, I have," he asserted in response to the rather dubious look he received from his old friend. "I...I'm working on it. I just...I have to find the right way to talk him him, you know. I mean, this is Hinata we're talking about. He's such a dumbass I'm not even sure he'd understand if I told him I...uh...I l-like him."
Nakano chuckled once more as the pair headed out of the gym. "Actually, Tobio, he might just surprise you there. Remember his birthday gift to you? He pays more attention than you might think. Don't let this time go to waste, okay? Before you know it, we'll be back hard at work, preparing our new teams to make it to Nationals next year. So you'd better not miss your chance, Tobio, or I'm gonna be seriously annoyed with you." The girl wagged a finger in front of her fellow setter's face, prompting him to snatch at it. She took off running, and both setters laughed as they chased each other back to their classrooms, ready to face their afternoon lessons.
🏐🏐🏐
By Friday afternoon, Karasuno's six first years had all had about enough.
It was the end of practice, and Nakano stood at one end of a volleyball court, panting and sweating and feeling like she might just fall over if she had to jump for one more spike. Her boys had turned the tables on her these past two weeks, making her do the same drills the she made them do, forcing her to work her fundamentals until she was ready to drop. And at the moment, that appeared to be a distinct possibility.
Tsukishima was frowning at her, torn between wanting to go over and scoop her up and carry her to a bench and lavish some loving care on her and taunting her for being a total weakling and telling her she'd better do another dozen spikes before she even thought about sitting down. His own breathing was a little rough, and his arms were sore from trying receive more than a few of the girl's impressive spikes.
The couple looked at each other across the net. Volleyball wasn't the only thing causing tension between them right now. They'd come no closer to being able to talk out their issues, although Nakano had gotten over her curious reactions to being close to her boyfriend, at least for the most part. They'd made no attempt at any great intimacy, however, and both were feeling the frustration of that, feeding each other's aggravation with the situation.
"Come on, Naka-chan," Yamaguchi taunted, picking up another volleyball and preparing to serve, "one more. You can do this!"
"Nope," the girl replied, dropping to the floor to lie flat on her back, "I can't. I'm done, Yams. No more."
As the girl sagged to the ground, Tsukishima dragged himself forward, ducking under the net, but Kageyama had already beaten him to the girl's side. He'd been setting for her, after all, so he hadn't nearly so far to go to reach her. "Naka-chan, are you alright? Do you need me to carry you..."
An incredibly loud, aggravated, growling wail came from the strawberry blonde, making Tsukishima freeze in his tracks and causing Hinata, who'd remained on the other side of the net where he'd been working on blocking, to spring about ten feet in the air and land in a fighting stance. It was all the blonde could do to not dissolve into laughter right then and there. Nakano, however, clearly was not seeing the humor in the situation.
"Dammit, Kags, I'm fine. I'm just exhausted! You guys have really run me ragged this afternoon and I've had enough."
"We're just making sure you..."
"I KNOW!!" the girl snapped, shouting from her prone position, "I GET IT! I'M NOT COMPLETELY BRAIN DEAD, KAGEYAMA!! I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED AT THE PARTY BUT I AM VERY DAMN WELL AWARE OF WHAT'S COMING UP IN APRIL, OKAY!?"
The silence that fell over the gym was deafening.
The second and third years quietly made their way over to the far side of the gym, as far away from the first years as they could get, giving the six friends some space. Yachi had made her way over to Nakano, bringing her a water bottle, and it was her soft, small voice that broke the silence. "Naka-chan, are you alright?"
Nakano looked up, not at Yachi, but at her blonde boyfriend. Her eyes were full of sadness, frustration, and fear. Tsukishima found himself unable to continue looking into those eyes, dropping his to the floor, the tips of his ears going red. All he wanted to do was gather the girl into his arms and sob on her, crush her to him and not let go. But did she want that? He snorted, moving towards the girl and holding out a hand. Nakano took it, sighing heavily.
"No," she finally answered Yachi as she got to her feet, "I'm not alright, and I think you all know it. I...I need..." Nakano paused, heart struck by the hopeful look in Tsukishima's eyes...a hope she felt she was about to dash. I do need you, Kei, she thought, but I need to work out my own strange inner feelings about this mess first, and I need some help. She groaned softly, squeezing Tsukki's hand. "I think I need a girl's night, Yachi. Are you doing anything after practice? Maybe you and Kiyoko and I could get together and hang out, huh?"
"Sure," Yachi said, heading over towards where Kiyoko was chatting with Daichi, "I'll ask Kiyoko-senpai."
"Kei, I..."
"Don't apologize, Nakano. A girl's night will do you good." Tsukki snorted again, squeezing back on the girl's hand, "Maybe Yamaguchi and I should hang out tonight too."
"A guy's night! If they get to have a girl's night, we should have a guy's night!" Hinata enthused, "Let's us guys all do something fun tonight too!"
"Did you hear anyone invite you, dumbass?" Kageyama growled at the enthusiastic ginger as Tsukishima simply rolled his eyes. Nakano couldn't help it, she began to chuckle.
Hinata was undeterred, however. "Come on Bakayama, it's my idea, so I'm inviting you guys! We can have pizza and play volleyball and maybe watch a movie or something! It'll be great! We can all go to my house!"
Yamaguchi placed a hand on his best friend's shoulder. "I think that sounds like fun, don't you, Tsukki?"
The look Tsukishima gave the freckled brunette was devastating. "Are you trying to be funny, Yamaguchi?"
Yachi came running back up, a smile wide on her face. "Kiyoko says we're going to her place, just as soon as Daichi wraps up practice, Naka-chan."
"And the guys are all coming to my place!" Hinata cheered.
Tsukishima looked at Nakano, hoping beyond hope that she'd get what she needed at the girls' night...and that this guys' night wouldn't end up being the death of him.