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Iris
I was at work when Chris texted me the photos that I didn't want to see. He is out with her and I know that he would never cheat on me but it hurts to see him go back to the person that hurt him so much.
I have trust issues. They started long ago when Emma's biological father decided that he didn't want kids but later he found the true love and now he has a family, a family that Emma isn't a part of. And I tried so much to get over it, to get over the fact that I wasn't enough. I thought that I eventually did it but I guess I didn't.
I love Harry and his action hurt my feelings more than I want to admit. I can't show it, though. Emma can't understand that I am sad, that something happened. I have to be happy for her but I know that the moment she asks me to call Harry for a Goodnight I will break down, I will burst into tear and I will not be able to stop.
I told him about my trust issues, I told him everything about them but he decided to meet her behind my back. I don't mind that he wanted to she her, he wanted the closure. I mind the lies. He told me that he can't come back home today afternoon because he had a meeting with Jeff. I don't know why he wanted to do that so secretly. I don't bite.
Harry is over Camille, it took him 2 years and a couple of failed relationships but he told me yesterday that he is over her. I don't think that is true. Camille is Harry's first love and it's hard to get over that one. Everyone is saying that you better not to fall in love with someone who had their first love, but we couldn't help it. We both have it, we both were in love with others before we met. But I know that Harry is the one. I look at him and my whole universe lights up. He is the ray of sunshine I was seeking.
My pregnancy wasn't a happy time at all. I was depressed because the man that I thought that I was going to spend my whole life with wasn't with me and then I had a difficult pregnancy. A risky one may I add. I found a shelter under poetry. I read a lot of poems and a lot of poets. My favorite one was Yiannis Ritsos, a Greek poet. He wrote a poem named Moonlight sonata and I found his words so inspiring.
I know that each one of us travels to love alone,
alone to faith and to death.
I know it. I've tried it. It doesn't help.
Let me come with you.
That's exactly how I feel right now. I want to travel this path with Harry. I want to follow him down this stupid road because I'm one step ahead of him. I want him to walk right over me, take my hand and guide into this forest that love is.
I forget sometimes that I am one step ahead of him. I forget that he doesn't have a child, he doesn't know how to be a parent. I have already started a family, on my own, with no one other that my own family, to have my back. I have a daughter, this precious little human being that loves me to death.
I had given myself the promise to not fall in love again. But then Harry came into my life and as many know Harry is love. He is passion embodied, he is a person who radiates love and happiness and I would be stupid if I didn't see it. He is the one, I'm sure.
We are together only three months, but we know each other longer. We haven't started as friends, we were a situationship that bloomed the right way. I have come into conclusion that Harry is the one a few weeks ago. The way he looks at me, the way he cares about Emma, the words, the songs, everything makes me want to spend my whole life with him.
My father met my mother at 1985. They fell madly in love and they got married 3 months into the relationship. And I think that I carry my mother's fate.
I try not to think about the date Harry had with Camille. She is everything I will never be. She's blonde, she's skinny, she's tall, she's beautiful and the most important of them all is that she doesn't have a child. She's free from all the responsibilities that I have. She makes me doubt and I know that I shouldn't but I can't help it. These thoughts are eating me alive.
The internet had a field day with all of this. They said that they are back together, that they are stronger than ever, that they came back stronger than a 90s trend. I don't believe it but deep down I worry. I worry that he is going to understand that I'm not worth it and he will leave me. And even though I will not get through it, I don't want to see my daughter devastated because Harry decided to leave us. I care about her more than I care about me. I'm a mother first and a person second.
I give all of me to her. I want her to grow up happy, I want her to have everything. But I don't always succeed. She is sad, she's crying about the kids in school and I can't do anything to help it. I can't change her schools now, the teachers don't listen to me and my daughter loses her light more and more as the days go by.
Those thoughts are eating me alive.
My phone hasn't stopped ringing since this afternoon. Harry is calling again and again but I don't have the mental courage to pick up the phone. I sit at my couch and I wait Patrick to bring my daughter back from her dance class.
...
Emma comes back and we eat in silence. She knows that something is wrong but she doesn't say a word. My perfect child! Bless her little heart.
I run her a bath and then I help her put on her favorite Ariel pajamas.
"Mumma, can we call Harry? I want to say goodnight to him."
I tense up a little but I don't let it show. I have to call him, I have to let him speak to my girl that loves him so. "Yes, darling. But you only get to speak to him."
She looks at me a little confused. "Did he say something bad to you?" She asks me. A 4 year old shouldn't know about this feeling.
"No, darling. Everything is alright. Come here." I sit by her bed and lay down next to her as I call Harry.
He answers my phone call immediately. His eyes are red and everyone can tell that he was crying. He watches carefully and when he sees Emma he puts on the biggest fake smile so he won't make his best friend sad. "Hello, little honey. Hello, baby honey."
He has given us those nicknames a couple of weeks ago. I don't love them but I don't hate them either. They make me feel like we are special.
"Hello Harry. Just wanted to say goodnight to you." My daughter informs him and I smile at how happy she sounds now that she is talking to him.
"Goodnight, sweet little angel. Dream good dreams. I love you, you know that right?"
"I love you too. Goodnight, I'm sleepy." He giggles a little and he says goodnight again.
"Darling, can we talk a little?" He asks me as I stroke Emma's hair.
"I can't right now. Tomorrow. Goodnight." I tell him and after he says the same thing I end the call.
Emma slept so fast and now I just sit on my sofa, watching Love, Rosie and drinking a glass of wine.
I know that I have to talk to Harry. I don't want us to break up, I don't want us to take a break, I want us to continue to be us, Iris and Harry. But I have to find strength and I have to know how to do that.
I'm afraid of myself when I'm mad. My words shoot to kill, my mouth doesn't cooperate and I end up hurting my loved ones because I'm harsh. I don't want that to happen. The trust issues keep me back, they keep me away from the true form of happiness.
The best way to keep my mind away of all that is work. I don't sleep all night. I just find the perfect concepts about the upcoming Pleasing products and the best way to promote them. I write them all down, I make the research and by the morning I am ready to present all of my ideas to Molly.
I wake Emma up a little later than usual. I have prepared the breakfast and I try to be as sneaky as possible because my daughter is the smartest human being that walks in this planet right now. She eats her cornflakes rapidly and I help her to get dressed. I take her to her school and it's the first time in a couple of weeks that she doesn't cry. She just gave me a kiss and went to find Millie and Ethan.
I go straight to work trying not to think much. The radio is playing a Taylor Swift song and I sing the lyrics to myself. This woman knows how to write!
The first person that I see when I enter the building is Molly. She's looking at me and I can see the sympathy. I try not to look at her too much and I go to my office without greeting anyone. I close the door behind me and I try not to cry. It's the first time that I fathom that if Harry and I break up, I'll have to start looking for a new job. He won't want his ex working for him, I'm sure.
The door opens again and I watch Molly coming in. She sits at the chair in front of my desk and she looks into my eyes. "What is wrong today, Iris?"
"Everything is okay, what do you mean?" It sounds more defensing than I wanted it to.
"I've seen the photos. He wouldn't do that." She reassures me.
I feel like I'm going to start crying soon. "I know, I just can't stand the lies. He said that he had a meeting but on the other hand he went out with her."
"Darling, I know Harry a lot of years. You have to talk to him. He has an explanation, I'm sure."
I sigh. "I know that he has one. But my feelings are hurt too. Can we work now?" I'm tired of her asking me questions and being on his side.
"I was thinking of sending you home. I know that you haven't slept and I know that you don't want to see Harry, who definitely will come here in a few hours. And you know that you can't avoid him here because everyone will start questioning things."
I look at my hands, because I don't want to look at her. I take a deep breath and I nod. She helps me pack all of the papers and contracts I need to work from home and she also hugs me, telling me that everything is going to be fine.
I drive home faster than before. I try not to focus on my thoughts and music is helping. Or at least, it was helping until I heard my daughter's voice on the radio. I immediately change radio station and my eyes water.
I enter my building and I greet Colby with tears in my eyes.
"Are you okay, Iris?" He asks me and I simply nod, not being able to articulate a word. "If I can do anything to help, please let me know." He gives me the biggest smile I've seen today and I take the lift to my apartment.
It's the first time I cry about it and it's nearly 24 hours after the meeting Harry had. I sent a text to Chris asking if they can pick Emma up from school along with Millie. I don't want my daughter to see me like that. I don't want her to know that I'm not as strong as she thinks I am. At her eyes, I'm a superhero and I never want to take that away from her.
My thoughts are eating me alive. I can't be betrayed like that for a second time. My heart won't endure it. Emma's father ruined me once and the insecurities he left are ruining me twice. I want to make my mind stop thinking, I want to push a bottom so it will close, even if it is for a few hours. Please, make it end, take the pain I'm feeling away.
It was just a meeting with an ex, it's nothing bad. But I'm afraid that he will leave me. Maybe that's exactly why he hasn't come yet. But I know that if I call, he will run to me.
I fell asleep in the couch and the only thing that woke me up is the bell. I open the door without looking and the person I didn't want to see today is standing right there with a single yellow flower on his hand. He looks at me and when he sees my red eyes, he is about to break down too.
"My mother said that daffodils mean new beginnings. I should have told you about everything. But please, before I do. Can I come in?"
I nod and he gives me the flower to put it on the vase i have the Sunday's flowers. I know that he is going to buy me flowers every Sunday from now on and I know that he will teach Emma all the meaning they have.
He sits on my couch and looks outside my window. He is breathing slowly, trying to regulate his breath and I know that it is a technic so he won't cry. "I'm so sorry, Iris." He manages to say before the first tears roll out of his eyes.
"I'm so sorry. I should have told you. When you talked about the closure that love of my life gives I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wanted to have an official closure with her and I didn't expect to become known. I wanted to tell you everything but I'm not used doing that."
"I don't want you to tell me your every move but you knew about my trust issues. I was thinking that you are going to give up on me." I admit and his expression changes immediately.
"No, don't ever think that again. You are the love of my life, the woman that I want to marry, to have kids with, to spend my whole life with. I would never do that to you or your little girl. You showed me how love is, how happiness is. I'm so sorry that my stupid actions made you feel that you are not enough."
Both of us are crying right now and I don't think that we will be able to stop anytime soon.
"I have so many trust issues Harry, he ruined me. He ruined every chance I had to feel happy without having a second plan on my mind in case something goes wrong. You are the love of my life too, but my feelings got hurt when they sent me these photos."
He sighs. "I know, baby honey. I wanted a closure, I wanted to talk to her one last time to know everything. Turns out she cheated on me because I was away."
I look at him with eyes wide open when he says that. "I'm sorry, sweet boy. I know the feeling."
He simply nods and tells me that it is nothing to worry about. "I don't care about her, a piece of my heart will always be hers but my love is yours. It is yours from the first time I laid my eyes on you. I'm sorry for not telling you about yesterday."
"I forgive you, Harry. But please, if you are going to meet her again let me know. I don't want to find out through a website and read all those rumors they are telling. I wonder who is the person close to you that says these things."
"I will. You didn't believe the rumors, did you?"
"I did for a split second. But I know you, and I know that you wouldn't do that to me. Robert is always on my mind when that things happen."
"Robert is Emma's father, right?" He pulls me towards him so we can cuddle.
"Yes, that son of a bitch." I inform him. "He was a great guy, I can't just speak ill of him. But he wasn't a great boyfriend."
"I can understand that. I missed you."
"You saw me yesterday."
"I did, but those hours were a killer. Where is my bestie?" He makes me giggle.
"At Chris'. I didn't want her to see me like that."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want to sleep at my house tonight? Emma is going to be excited to sleep with Oliver again."
"We can do that. But, now please don't talk. I want to stay like that a little longer."
He lools around the room and he sees the book I have left on the table. Yiannis Ritsos' collection was sitting there until it is taken by Harry.
"Can I read?" he asks me and I nod as I lay down on his legs. He opens the book at where I have left it yesterday night. "Moonlight sonata." He reads and then looks at me.
He reads the introduction to the poem where the writer informs us about the old lady who is speaking to a young man.
"Let me come with you. What a moon there is tonight!
The moon is kind – it won't show
that my hair turned white. The moon
will turn my hair to gold again. You wouldn't understand.
Let me come with you."
He reads the whole poem. He waits a little after he reads the part that I like the most, trying to comprehend the million notes it has. When he reads it, he looks at me and I swear my whole world got better.
"Who is that poet? I've never read something he wrote."
"He's Yiannis Ritsos. A Greek poet. Not my favorite but I like that specific poem a lot." I tell him.
"I can see that by the notes. It's a great poem. Now, do you want us to go take Emma? I want to cook for my two favorite girls."
...
Hello, friends. How are you?
First of all, I wanted to thank you for reading pleasing.
Second of all, I wanted to do a better translation to the poem. I'm Greek so I read it in Greek first and then found the English translation online. So, Iris' favorite part speaks about faith and death. In Greek it says δόξα so I think that a better translation is glory and death, because it attributes better the meaning (that's me sounding as the translator I am).
If you want to read something else until the next update, read Little freak. It's the other book I'm writing along with this one.
See you, next week❤️