IT'S THE WEEKEND, HURRAH! This week is just one heck of week and I'm so tired and, I couldn't stay up even with coffee in my system so, I'm guessing that my lack of sleep is pretty severe...
I'm listening to Emily's Army right now and, I'm loving their tracks! Actually their songs have been in my iTunes for quite a time now but, like what happened before I liked Mindless Self Indulgence, I needed to lay off of them for a bit, I guess....
And now I'm a fan.
Anyways, this chapter has GerardxChelsea in it so heh :3
Chapter Thirty-Four: “We Fell Apart.”
- Chelsea -
It’s been two weeks since Gerard’s release from the hospital and, in school we both had the same mindset on not talking or bumping into one another unintentionally.
And, so far, it had been…good…ish…
It’s a Friday night and Billie had volunteered to drive me home. As the car stopped in front of my apartment, I turned to Billie, who was sitting at the driver’s seat.
“Thank you for bringing me home tonight,” I smile gratefully, leaning closer and placing a soft kiss on his lips. “I’ll see you on Monday,” I said as I pulled away.
His hand caught mine and said, looking in my eyes so deep, I swear, I bet he could read my mind, “I love you,” he smiles gently, “don’t forget that.”
I shake my head almost playfully and I beamed at him, “I won’t. I love you, too.”
Neither one of us had looked away moments after I had said my goodbye, causing us to crack up and laugh loudly inside his (brother’s) car.
“Well, I really gotta go now so…” I mumble awkwardly, just as the silence began to swallow the both of us once again. “I’ll see you, okay? I love you so much.”
Both of us had leaned in, an innocent kiss exchanged before we both pulled back at the same time just as Billie said, “I love you more.”
I giggle and stumble out of the car, closing the car door behind me. He waits in front of my apartment as I waved at him and walked upstairs.
As I reach the second landing, however, my eyes were drawn to the figure sitting with his back hunched in front of my apartment door. He looks like…
I walked as quietly as I could before calling out in uncertainty, “Gerard? Is that you?”
Suddenly, his head snaps up and looked at me quite innocently; it reminded me of the days when he used to look up at me from his sitting position on the ground in the nearby park.
That was the first time that we --
“Hey, uhm, I’m sorry if I turned up from out of the blue,” he says sheepishly, running his hands through his hair. “I was just wondering if I could take you out tonight. For dinner.”
I bit on my lip. Well, I’ve got nothing to do tonight…
But…
“Please?” he asks, his face looking hopeful.
I sigh heavily, “fine.” I walk to the door and open it with the key from my jeans pocket, holding the door open with one hand as I motioned for him to go in first.
“You go first,” I say; he followed instantly, stepping inside the living room. I moved in next, closing the door and tried not to over-think the situation.
He looked so lost and awkward standing there, in the middle of my apartment, avoiding my eyes and, in that moment, I knew what he was thinking.
I decided to bring him to the other parts of my apartment to remove his thoughts about…that.
His eyes darted to the couch just as my voice fought its way out of my mouth, “come with me,” and I led him to my bedroom.
Gerard sat on my bed, looking unsure as I observed what he was wearing.
“Where are we going, anyway?” I ask, taking in the sight of Gerard in a white polo, black tie and, black slacks. I almost laughed as my eyes saw what kind of footwear he was wearing.
“Erm, Gerard? Did you uhh…” I shook my head, stopping myself from giggling, “did you plan on wearing Converse or did you just…oh, I don’t know…forgot?”
“Oh,” he chuckles, taking a quick peek at his feet, “nah, I like these,” he wiggles his ankles slightly. “Wear something formal-ish, will you?”
I nod my head and immediately pick out a sheer, pink top, a white tank top to wear underneath and, dark skinny jeans. “Excuse me,” I mutter as I made my way to the bathroom.
Once inside, I quickly peeled off my sweater, the shirt underneath it and, jeans. When I straightened up once more to put the sheer top over my head, I took sight of the pepper spray placed not-so-innocently near my toothbrush and, without thinking twice, placed it in my pocket.
Well, better be safe.
Somehow, my trust in Gerard grew weak after that incident, regardless of the fact that we have shared more things than Billie and I have.
When I emerge from the bathroom, Gerard wasn’t inside the bedroom anymore and, instead, was sitting on the couch, his face in his hands. I cleared my throat to get his attention.
He looked up and stood at once, “let’s go?” he asks, pointing awkwardly to the door.
I nod, taking the pair of a random Converse shoe near the doorway with one hand, “sure.”
And, once again, I was out on the gradually getting cold streets of night time California.
-
“What would be the young couple’s order tonight?” the waitress, asked, smiling over at the two of us politely.
Gerard shook his head, grinning, “ahh…no, Miss, we’re not a couple and,” he turned to me, “what do you want?”
I looked up from the menu booklet I was hiding myself in and smile softly, “I’ll take the Ravioli, please.”
“And you sir?” the waitress turned to Gerard, her pen at the ready.
Gerard only shook his head, “no, it’s just her.” The waitress nodded and greeted us once more, not using the term ‘young couple’ anymore.
And as she walked away, I sipped on my red iced tea, all hopes of making this night less awkward gone.
Because, well, this is awkward as fuck.
“So…”
“What…”
We had said the words simultaneously and we both laughed. I said the next words first.
“You go ahead,” I wave my hand slightly.
He shakes his head, “no, ladies first.”
I figured that if I continue to badger him to go first, we will never get started so I took a deep breath and said the following words, “I was going to ask what’s going to happen.”
I see him shift nervously in his seat, “I…just wanted to talk to you. To apologize for what I have done on you. I promised Billie I would.”
I nod my head then stopped as he continued, “And I want to talk about us.”
I swallowed nervously; this was the topic that I’d really prefer not talking about today.
“What happened, Chelsea?” he asks me, looking right in my eyes.
I found that looking right in his eyes is painful so, I averted my gaze to the fuchsia-coloured table cloth of the restaurant.
“We fell apart,” I had managed to say.
“Why didn’t you say goodbye when you left? Or better yet,” his voice was calm, muttered, “Why did you leave?”
I shook my head, “Because I…wanted to forget.”
His voice came out all broken, “forget about what? Me? Because, seriously, we could have settled this, you know…it’s not like I’m holding you on a leash.”
“No, not that. I wanted a change, a big change,” I said, shaking my head slightly as I did.
Suddenly, his voice turned a bit louder, with certainly much more aggression than before, “so you moved for a change? What change? A change of fucking scenery? What the hell kinda reason is that?!”
How dare he raise his voice? What does he know? “That’s the only way I could move on from my loss! How dare you stop me? Who are you to stop me?” I heard my voice getting louder with each passing sentence.
I felt eyes of people around our table look over at us but my senses dismissed them when Gerard replied, “I was your fucking boyfriend, Chelsea! You wouldn’t even listen to me; how can I not be dismayed in you?!”
Someone approached our table and I looked up to meet the blue eyes of a man looking down on the two of us. I’m guessing that he’s the manager.
“We’ll kick ourselves out, thanks,” I snapped at him before standing up and going straight to the emergency exit near our table, where I found myself in an alleyway as I got out.
Gerard slipped through the door just as it began to close and I turned around to face him.
“The good thing you could’ve done is to let me go and find myself then, I would have come back for you!” I deadpanned, “But no, Gerard! I saw that you’ve moved on and I’m happy for you because of that!” I lowered my voice, “But you know what hurt the most? IT’S THAT YOU ACTED AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED BETWEEN US!”
“Well, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? First, you pushed me away then here you are, telling me that you wanted people to know that there was something between us? I don’t fucking get you, Chelsea!”
I shook my head roughly, “a simple acknowledgement was fine by me! That way, I would think that we can still be friends after what happened but, no, Gerard! No.”
His eyes were brimming with tears and I fought hard not to break down in front of him as he mentioned, “Ever thought that maybe there’ll come a time when I’d feel that you wouldn’t like me anymore? BECAUSE THAT HAPPENS, YOU KNOW?!” he pulled at his hair and began pacing, “When you left me, that’s what I felt! You’ve no right to press this down on me, Chelsea; we both had faults, damn it! We need to make this right.”
I quirked an eyebrow, “And how do you propose we do that?”
He stopped pacing and stood right in front of me, “We tell each other everything, that’s what…and,” he took a deep breath, “I still love you, Chelsea. So much. Fuck, I’d kill myself if I’m lying right now.”
It felt as if the entire world stopped moving; I swayed slightly, feeling goose bumps crawl on the surface of my skin.
And, suddenly, my brain exploded with pictures of Billie.
This -- this feels wrong.
“And, I love Billie, Gerard…” my voice faded, but remained strong, “I thought I made that clear.”
He bit his lip and looked down on the concrete, all the while nodding his head in an ‘I-knew-it’ manner. I fought the urge to take him in my arms.
“I know! I know...”
And that's it!
Thanks guys for the wonderful, wonderful support <3 I love you all (but of course you know that, already :))).
xo,
T.