Seconds turn to minutes and minutes turn to hours, hours to days. The world kept going — changing — shifting, but I am bound in knots of betrayal, weighing my body to the abyss, the unknown. It's like I'm in a permanent daze — wandering through the garden of never-ending misery. Nothing feels real anymore.
I touch the ground under me, but my hand falls through it.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. My body has been on auto-pilot since the bachelor's party, trying to live in ignorance.
Mika is like a rose. A shiny, shimmering, enchanting exterior. Swaying in the wind, pro-fusing a sweet ditsy smell. It warps your mind, bending you to her will. You can't stop. That's the charm about her, but when you reach for a hug — she pierces you in the chest — in the soul...
Her love left me in shambles, pieces. The thorns etch deep into my skin until I'm leaking on the floor, and she walks away without a scratch.
Is it possible to hate and love someone at the same time? Every fiber of my existing wanted to hate Mika, wanted to get vengeance for my brother, but when I had the chance, I failed-- because I still love her. I surrendered, collapsing on my knees for a woman that betrayed me. I wanted Mika to lie, begging her to feed into my ignorance, but she didn't.
Mika killed Ander.
Mika killed Papa.
How could she rip my heart out and leave me here to gather up all the pieces? There is nothing to pick up. It's gone. There's a hollowness in my chest. I loved her with my entire soul. She owned every part of me. No one else on this fucking planet could make me feel the way she did. She does because even with all her baggage-- I want her in my arms again, even if everything was all fake.
Because a part of me likes to live in my dreams, and in my dreams, she really loved me back. It doesn't matter. Everything was real to me. The kisses, the sleepy nights, the laughs, the tears, the dates-- all real. She was my fucking world, and I was just a piece in her little game. How could she? How could she?
How do I make the pain stop?
The drugs aren't helping--they aren't enough to keep me under. Hundreds of empty baggies lay on my desk, but they have done nothing to help me. Pain. Pain. Pain. That's all I feel every second of every fucking goddamn day. Why did no one tell me how much falling in love hurts?
A wetness trickles down my lips.
My hands touch my nose.
Dark red blood stains my fingertips. I laugh. Mika acted as if she actually cared about me relapsing. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to make her feel the same pain I did. She stood in front of me, resting her forehead against the barrel with no fear in her eyes. Why didn't she move? Why didn't she fight back? Did she want to die that badly? Why did she want me to kill her? I wanted to scream and shout at her to stop, to run, but I kept the gun there.
All the lies, all the pain, all the voices--when do they stop?
If I kill her-- would they go away?
Would I be happy?
Would I be free?
Enough.
I throw every fucking thing off my desk. Anger courses through my veins as I rise from my chair and chuck it against the wall. I'm forced to face the ugly reality. I bet God was laughing at me in heaven. What a naive little boy. How cruelly ironic that the person I loved the most in the past--was killed by the person I love the most in the present. Why was fate so fucking twisted?
What did I do to deserve this?
Flashes of fury flare through me like a fluttering light, and I throw anything I can put my hands on. I'm screaming my head off like a child having a tantrum. What is there left to live for if I don't have Mika? Why did she have to fuck with my mind? I grab the picture frame of us on my shelf and slam it against the floor.
My throat aches, probably red from all my screaming. Good-- because I start laughing. The kind of gut-wrenching, hysteric laughter probably earning a side-eye from everyone outside the door. I don't care. Haven't you heard-- love makes you go fucking insane!
Lastly, when I look at the broken chaos on the floor, I break down into tears. I sob until I can't construct a single sound. The pain punctures my heart, leaving me broken and bleeding on the floor. Does it ever stop? Will the pain ever go away? A part of me wishes I could die right here.
A gasp escapes my throat when a hand rubs my back. Wiping my tears with my sleeves, I crane my neck to see Mika-- the cause of every emotion I'm feeling right now. Instantly, I back away, causing her hand to fall by her side. Oddly enough-- she's like an angel. I almost think it's the hallucinations from all the things I've taken.
But I blink repeatedly.
She's not a fragment of my imagination.
She's actually standing in front of me.
Mika gnaws at her lip, wiping away something on her cheek with the sleeve of my hoodie. On her other hand, she rotates the engagement ring on her finger. Why did she risk coming back here? I wouldn't--couldn't kill her, but my familia would with no second thought.
"W-What are you doing here?" My throat aches raw from my explosion five minutes earlier.
Mika pushes the glasses off something on the ground and carefully uses her two fingers to pick up the photograph. The shard clang to the floor and a ghost of a smile spreads on Mika's face. It's the one I threw earlier--the photo of us at my birthday dinner.
"We were so happy here." Mika sighs, her eyes softening. "I didn't know what I got myself into-- I didn't think I could fall madly in love."
I chew on the inside of my cheek. "What are you doing here?"
Mika takes out a rolled-up folder from her pocket. "It's only fair for you to know the whole truth. Mateo isn't on your side. He wants to be Jefe and will stop at nothing to make that happen."
My eyebrows furrow with confusion. "What? He wouldn't do that. Mateo has always been by my side. He's never lied to me."
Her gaze drops to the floor as she audibly swallows. "I know it's hard to believe coming from me, but it's true. Mateo isn't who you think he is. Why else would he hook you on drugs and get rid of me? He is isolating you. It's easier to kill you when you have nothing to fight for."
What? My mind spirals into another fuck storm frenzy. Who am I supposed to believe? The love of my life who shattered my heart into a million pieces or the man that's only shown loyalty. Mateo always watched over me after Ander's death. He picked me up from my slump and helped me gain respect for the Morterero name again. Why would he want to go after me?
Mika extends her hands with the folder. "You don't need to believe me. In this folder is everything-- all of Mateo's transactions, his messages with Diablo, videos of him at Diablo's Paraiso. You can't deny physical evidence."
A knot jams in my throat.
Nerves flare in my stomach. With shaking hands, I grab the folder and stare at the crinkled material. Why is everyone I cared about out to get me? Mika-- now, Mateo? Both start with the letter M-- coincidence or not? Maybe it's just a way for Mika to get herself out of this sticky situation. Would she make up more lies to save herself?
I open the folder, spreading all the pages in a straight line. My mouth falls open as I glance at all the evidence. Millions of dollars transferred to Diablo's Paraíso going back years. Why did he give them so much money?
"Explain," I say, extending the page toward her.
Mika sighs, gnawing at her bottom lip. "Escort wasn't the only thing I was talented at— I'm apparently great at killing. Eugene trained me to become a badass assassin— the Mictlantecuhtli. It's my side job."
She grabs the paper from my hand with pouty lips. "Mateo hired me to kill your brother, posing as his escort for the night. I didn't know his name or who he was when I took the job. All I needed at the time was the location and a face and I'll get it done. I never asked any questions. I just did what I had to do."
Mika swallows, her face stained with a pink blush. "Back then, I didn't care about anyone. All I knew was to kill, to manipulate, to use people for my own benefit— these were the only thing I'd been taught. I had to do it to survive..." Mika pauses, licking her lips. "But I also used to like it."
My eyes flutter shut as I take a deep breath. "What about my papa?"
Mika's face crumbles, filling up with pain. "I didn't want to kill him. I swear. But Mateo said if I didn't, he would kill you. You shouldn't feel so guilty about that piece of shit. Your father told me he was working with Mateo."
Her eyes fall to the floor. "They planned to get rid of you in a month and give the throne to Gato— well, that's what your dad wanted. Which is why Mateo got him whacked. You're so important to me. I couldn't risk losing you, so I killed him."
A single tear falls from my eyes. "Why did you care if I die? I thought you didn't love me. I thought you said everything was all fake."
A snort escapes Mika's throat. "You didn't actually fall for that, did you? Sometimes I think I should've been an actress. I love you with my entire existence. I would do anything for you, muñeco."
My heart flip-flops in my stomach like a fish at the sound of my nickname. "I don't know if that makes me feel any better. I-I loved you so much and all you did was lie to me. You didn't just kill my brother and my papa. You—killed me too. All this fucking pain is too much to bear. It's so much more painful than death itself."
Mika wipes her pink cheeks, blowing out a gust of air. "I know. I know. I wish I could take back all of my mistakes. It might've started as a game for me at first, but I fell into the black hole that is you."
I look away because seeing Mika cry makes me want to rip apart. "When did you find out you killed my brother?"
Mika swallows, trying to gasp for air in her mucus-filled nose. "The investigator— Spencer. Mateo had me kill him. Spencer realized I was the Mictlantecuhtli and said he was looking for me because you asked him to find out the truth about your brother. That's when I found out."
Tears brim my eyelashes. "If you knew, even back... why did you stay? Why did you let me fall hopelessly in love with you? Didn't you have even the smallest sense of humanity to stay away from me after learning you killed my brother?"
Mika grabs my wrist slowly, creeping up my arm until our hands interlock. Her sleeve moves an inch, displaying the marks from the handcuffs. I want to lean down and kiss them-- erase everything that's happened in the past week, but I can't. How can we be together? Is it right to betray Ander by dating his killer?
Her lip trembles. "I tried to stay away! But I'm a selfish bitch, and I wanted you to be mine so badly. No one else in my entire life made me feel so loved and so happy. How could I give you up? Every passing day, I just fell in love with you more and more. I didn't want to lose the one good thing in my life."
"If you loved me, then you would've done the right thing by leaving me as soon as you found out." I clutch her hand, soaking in her warmth. "Why did you have to hurt me like this? Were you ever planning on telling me at all, or were we going to live in a fairytale land?"
Mike buries her face in her hands. "Asiel, you made me feel human, which is why I couldn't leave. I started to feel every emotion on the fucking spectrum-- love, guilt, regret, remorse. It was something brand new to me. I didn't understand what was happening to me, but I accepted it. As much as I wanted to be with you, I wanted to protect you just as much."
Taking one step forward, she reaches out to touch me.
My cheek scorches against her warm hand, snugging into her touch. "That's why I am here. I want to help you get justice for Ander, even if it means putting myself behind bars. I just want to give you a peace of mind."
Her irises glisten with tears, gliding down her cheeks, following the others. Mika's black eyeliner stains her cheeks from all the crying, and it drives me insane to see her like this. I hated to see her cry. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her and hug all her tears away. Why do I still care about her when she did me dirty? Why does it hurt me to see her in pain? It fucking irks my soul!
I rake my fingers through my hair. "Where do we go from here, Mika? How do we get past this? Huh? Do you want us to go back to how we were--to live in our imagination? To ignore everything and go back to how it was? Is that what you want us to do?"
Mika's voice cracks. "I could never ask you to do for me. We can never go back to the way things were-- I've accepted that. I'd long prepared for this day because I wasn't going to keep the secret forever. It's j-just j-just." Mika drops her head in her palms, sobbing, and I can't help but kiss her head. "Even though I knew I would lose you, it hurts so much. It's not even fair of me to complain because of everything you're feeling."
She pauses for a moment. "I just want you to be free and get justice. I know I can't bring them back, but I want to do whatever I can to alleviate the pain I caused."
I sniffle. "How do you plan to do that?"
"I'm offering you my life."
My jaw tightens. "I'm not going to kill you."
Revenge always seemed sweet, but now it just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I won't gain anything from killing Mika. My familia would still be dead. I'll just get more blood on my hands. It would be another person I'll mourn on top of everything--someone that meant the absolute world to me.
"It's not just about death, Asiel," Mika says, wiping her cheeks with her sleeves. "I'm giving you all authority to do anything you want to me... because it's the least I can offer. The folder has everything to frame us-- all you need to do is take it to the authorities. You can do what you want with it and me."
Standing up, I turn away from Mika and exhale a long breath. My mind is a tornado, spinning in all sorts of directions. I'm going left and right--unable to pick one side. A part of me understood why Mika had to do what she had to do-- its survival instincts. But the other side hated her for what she did, despite not knowing the consequences.
And that part can't forgive-- it can't forget.
But remembering the bad things came with remembering all the wonderful moments-- our movie nights, our first date, our kisses, our laughs, our smiles, the touches, the pure happiness. It's unfair to both of us to keep going on like this.
I didn't ever want to break a promise, but I don't think we can survive this.
"Then leave."
Confusion washes over Mika. "W-What?"
"Leave," I order.
Mika stands up. "Why?"
Fighting with my heart, I force my voice to drop an octave, to sound colder than ever before. "Because I hate you, Mika. I hate you for everything that you did. I hate you for ruining my life." Because despite everything, I still love you, Mika. I love how you made me feel. I love how happy you once made me. "I don't want to see you ever again."
Because I'm fucked from this point on and will always care about you against my will.
"Do you think you deserve death, Mika? Did you think I would kill you? Give you the easy way out?" My voice coats with venomous poison. "No. You deserve to suffer as much as I do. So, I want you to leave."
Because I couldn't live with myself if you were dead.
Heartache slices through me as Mika's face scrunches up with pain--sobbing silently into her hand, not wanting to ruin my monologue. It's for her own protection. I don't want anything to happen to Mika. She won't leave unless I feed her with lies. This is the punishment she wanted-- to blame herself for all eternity.
"I don't want to see your face."
Because if you don't leave now, I'll continue to love you despite knowing you took my familia away from me--I will eventually hate myself.
"I don't want to feel your presence or have any reminders."
Because if you stay, I will never stop loving you.
Dropping my head with self-hated, I don't spare another look at Mika. My body burns with all the half-truths escaping my lips.
"Just go and never look back," I say.
"Alright," Mika whispers.
Her feet step on the shattered glass, crushing them under her feet. From the corner of my eye, I watch Mika extend her hand, giving me back the wedding ring with our initials inscribed on the silver band. Another part of my heart dies when I clutch the ring in my hand. Unable to resist, I grab Mika's wrist before she walks away and yanks her toward me.
Mika's delicate, smaller frame collides with mine, our arms instantly going around each other. No matter what-- I can't seem to let her go. I don't want to say goodbye, but there's nothing left for us.
We're doomed from the start.
Mika grabs onto the back of my hair and goes on her tippy toes, pressing our lips together. It's bittersweet-- full of pain. It's a long goodbye kiss with a lot of emotions behind it. My hands touch her chin, tilting to the side to get a final taste of my Mika. It's salty and sweet all in one. We break apart, panting as tears stream down my cheeks.
I'm savoring every moment of this.
Wrecking sobs break through Mika. "I'm sorry for everything I did. I'm sorry for taking away your familia. I'm sorry for ruining your life. You deserved so much better." Mika repeated the phrases like a prayer. "I won't ever ask you to forgive me, but I want you to know how sorry I am. I'll spend the rest of my life regretting it."
I crack.
I'm breaking down like a blubbering baby. "We're going to get married, Mika. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Have little Mikas and Asiels running around." I gently clutch her cheek, rubbing my forehead on hers. "You do understand why I can't... why I can't do that anymore, right? I'm so-."
Mika covers my mouth with her palm. "Don't apologize to me. You did nothing wrong. You were perfect. So perfect. The only mistake was that you fell in love with me. I never deserved you, but thank you for every happy memory together. I'll treasure all of them until the day I die. I know you hate me, but-- I love you."
I close my eyes and hold my breath.
It takes all my energy to refrain from returning the phrase back to Mika. It's time to let go, Asiel. I inhale and exhale, opening my eyes, detaching myself from reality. I take a step back, putting distance between us.
"Leave."
Just like that-- Mika walked out the door.
Finally, after four chapters in Mika's head, we're back in our man's head 🥹🥹still a chaotic mess🥹🥹 he's so broken and I am too 😭
Are you guys upset that Mika opted out telling the whole truth to Asiel? Do you think he can forgive her even without knowing that particular detail?
Anyone less started crying? I read the chapter over and was like😭😭... let me know if you guys feel the same 🥹😂
What do you think is next? How do they make it out of this?
Thank you for supporting me! I'll never ever stop telling you guys how grateful I am for your support and comments❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜
Love ya🤍💜🤍💜