It's been eight grueling days.
There's a hole in my chest from watching Asiel suffering from heroin withdrawal. It's heartbreaking to see the most important person in my life in so much pain, and I can't do anything but watch. I cover my face with my hand, inhaling deeply. How did we get to this point?
Two weeks ago, we were celebrating our engagement. Now, I'm watching my boyfriend come apart from the intense craving. A dark wave washes over me, nearly pulling me into oblivion. I take another breath and let it out slowly, pushing the guilt back down my throat.
I should've noticed.
Instead, I've been too focused on saving my own ass to pick up on the subtle hints. The rapid weight loss, his intense eye bags, the nosebleeds, and constantly sniffling. It's so fucking frustrating-- I wanted to scream my heart out. If only I had asked him about the situation, then maybe he wouldn't have found sanctuary in a drug. I'm obviously the problem. All I wanted to do was protect him. But in reality, I'm constantly the reason he's falling apart.
Death. Blood. Demons.
I can't even name one positive thing in his life that stems from me. What does he get from dating me? Nothing but misery. It's gut-wrenching to realize how little I contribute to his life. Asiel is my reason for altering my entire future. He exposed me to emotions like happiness, love, and fear. Things that woke me up from my little dream and fuel me to change my life in a positive direction.
Asiel made my world of darkness illuminated by the beauty and infinite possibilities of happiness.
However, I think the universe has a vendetta against me and will do anything to keep us from getting our happy endings. I don't blame it. What kind of monster deserves a happy ending? Redemption, sure. But a fairy-tale ending? I'm not the beast from fucking beauty in the beast. If anything, I'm Scar, stabbing him in the back without realizing it. It's time to put myself last for a change and prioritize Asiel.
Shutting off the stove, I scoop the thick oatmeal into a small, round dish. Asiel is alternating between the vomiting and tremors stage. He's almost like a dog, shivering in the chilly air after falling into a pool of water. I've been cooking food for Asiel every few hours, hoping he could keep something down.
There have been no victories.
At least, I've him connected to an IV to receive some sort of nutrients. These withdrawals are depleting his system until there's nothing left but a broken shell. It's nearly impossible. I can't speak from experience since I never let the addiction get this far, but I've helped Tania through it. I've done all I can to make the experience as comfortable as possible. He just has to ride the wave until it's over.
I climb up the stairs, trying to keep the volume to a minimum since it's around one in the morning. The hallway is scary dark, with only a bluish light flickering between the cracks of Asiel's bedroom door. Hopefully, he's still sleeping. He hasn't gotten more than five hours of sleep in the past seven days.
A sick chill runs through my stomach like I just devoured a slimy snail. The entire room is chaos as Asiel searches through every nook and cranny. His fluffy pillows are in the garbage, the bed sheets are cleaning the floor, his accessories are in pieces, and Asiel's eyes are rabid with mania. His irises eerily land on me as he moves in ways like the possessed girl in the exorcist.
Asiel grabs my shoulders. "Where is it? Mika, where is it?"
"W-what do you mean?"
The animal unleashes when he ferociously shakes me, causing the oatmeal in the bowl to land on my skin from the friction. I wince, flinching back as the heat radiates from the oatmeal, sizzling my arm. The tumbler falls from my grasp, crashing to the wooden floors with a -bang- as the mug ruptures into pieces.
Asiel steps on the pieces with no void of pain in his emerald irises. Only paranoia. "I'm not fucking kidding, Mika. Where is it? Where's the heroin?" His nose wrinkles as he scraps his skin with his long nails.
"W-what are you talking about? I don't have any."
He yanks at his hair, twisting his locks into chunks. "Mika, I can't do it. I feel like my heart is ripping through my ribcage. I need it. Please, Princesa. Just a tenth." Asiel grabs my hand, his arm trembling. "If you love me, you will do this one thing. Please."
I nibble on my lip. "Muñeco, you know I can't do that. It's hard to recognize right now, but I'm doing what's right for you."
Asiel pauses. His jaw ticks, his narrow green eyes little more than slits as wrath flares in them. "You fucking bitch." His hold on my hands tightens, nearly crushing them, but I don't react. "I knew it! You don't love me. Give me the fucking drugs! Who gave you the power to tell me what to do? Give me the fucking drugs or so, help me, God!"
"What!" I scream, forcing my hands out of his grip. "You're going to throw a tantrum? Go ahead! Cry if you want to, but you're not getting shit from me."
His jaw flexes. "Fuck you. I'm done! I don't want anything to do with you."
I roll my eyes. "Is that all you got?"
Maybe it was wrong of me to egg Asiel on, but I'm only human, and he was being an asshole. I know it's the desperation talking, but his words do chafe a piece at my insecurities because, one day, they will be genuine. I wish I could say I'm not dreading that day, but it would be the biggest lie I ever told.
Right next to killing Ander.
"You're fucking useless!" Asiel screams and tosses anything he can grab at me. A pillow, a book, a shoe, a fucking pencil-- it's never-ending. Items slam onto the hard floors, bruising my toes, but I close my eyes. Inner peace. Inner peace. Mediation will keep me from going off on my fiance when all he needs is a bit of patience.
It's a phase. With Tania, she went through the repeated cycle of vomiting and gaslighting. For three days straight-- pure fucking torture. For a second, I thought Asiel would skip over that phase, but it's a part of the journey to recovery. He's so needy for the drug that he doesn't realize half the shit he's doing.
Asiel unscrews the bulb on the lamp and aims it at me, striking the wall as I dodge it. He goes rapid-fire with a textbook, a CD, a water bottle, and a whole fucking computer screen. Jesus Christ. I think he's trying to sign my death sentence. For protection, I shield the sides of my face with my arms and close my eyes.
He's getting tired.
It will end in a jiffy.
"What do I need to do to get you to leave?" He snarls, launching another object to the wall. "Can't you see you're not wanted here? Why don't you go back to the club with your other boyfriend?!"
This time, the object slices at my knee with an intense ache as I cover my mouth to muffle a whimper. My eyes trail to the gash above my knee, blood trailing down my leg like tears in my eyes. There's a razor-cut blade at my feet. I see the tiniest flicker of shame on Asiel's face-- acknowledgment as he sinks to the floor in submission.
It's gone.
My Asiel is back.
His shoulder vibrates up and down as he sobs into his palms. I lightly laugh-- half amused-- because of the objects resting at my feet. Squatting down, I grab a white towel and wipe the trail of blood. It's honestly not that bad-- it's like being scratched by Turbo. With caution, I stride toward Asiel and lay a hand on his shoulder.
"Muñeco?" I say warily. "Are you okay?"
His hands drop, revealing the melancholy look in his irises as his lips quiver. "No fue mi intencion." Asiel grabs my hands and presses a kiss on my knuckles. "I'm so fucking sorry, Mika. Your leg is bleeding. Does it hurt? Please, just go home. I don't want to risk hurting you again."
(It wasn't my intention.)
I kiss his forehead. "I'm not going anywhere, Muñeco. I'm okay! My limbs are made out of steel. You don't have to worry about me. Just focus only on making it through these next two days."
Asiel's chest hitches. "I didn't mean anything I said. You know that, right? I love you. My moon, my luna. Thank you for helping me get through this when you could've left me to fend for myself. You're my guardian angel."
I laugh. "Thanks for the compliments, but I whole heartily disagree. I'm not an angel. There's just no other place I would rather be than right here with you, even if you're having a tantrum. I'll take all the bad and good when it comes to you."
He half chuckles, his face moist with sweat. "I hope the good outweighs the bad."
Kneeling, I place his arm around my shoulder and help lift his fatigue, weak frame. "It does. I know you're struggling to see the good in yourself, but you're literally the only genuine person I know. You don't judge or control. You always feed Turbo and leave leftovers for the animals in the streets. Before leaving, you always kiss your momma goodbye and say bye to your asshole of a father."
I roll my eyes at the mention of that waste of space. "Though I don't think he deserves it. There are a million other things I can point out, like how you always drape a blanket on me when I fall asleep. Or when you help Sara cook because of her scoliosis. Muñeco, killing someone doesn't take away all the good things you do."
Asiel inhales deeply as we leisurely stroll to the bed, his feet dragging on the floor. "It taints them. I don't feel like the Asiel I was a few months ago. I've been searching for the person everyone wanted me to be--I lost myself in the progress. Where do I go from here? How do I cope with this?"
After setting Asiel on the mattress, he curls into a ball and wraps the blanket over his frame, the sheet trembling. His teeth grind against each other from all the shaking. Following Asiel's footsteps, I hop into bed and tug his body closer to mine.
I softly caress the baby hairs on his forehead. "Therapy? It's not going to be easy, Muñeco. Detoxifying is only half the journey. The guilt will always be there. You simply have to learn to live with it."
"How do you live with the people you killed?" Asiel asks, his warm breath beaming on my neck.
Good question.
It used to be so painless, like yanking a strip of wax off your eyebrows. Bodies, bodies, bodies. I loved having a new art piece at my disposal. It's what Diablo taught me-- to savor the kills and find beauty in them. Even ugly things can be beautiful if you have the right lens.
Lately, the guilt has been catching up to me as if I'm a criminal on the run from the FBI--which is oddly accurate. It's not a way to exhibit my art but a way to terrorize the individuals sentenced. There's nothing entertaining about murdering randos with a bounty. It gets worse the longer I think about it.
Like how those victims had families like Ander did.
I could've created another enemy as we speak.
"I don't know." My fingers rub his scalp. "I'm a unique exception. I wasn't raised in a household filled with compassion, so it's easy for me to dissociate myself from the kills. It's not healthy or something I would recommend. Everyone has their own way of coping, but drugs aren't an option."
"I know." Asiel presses his ear against my chest. "I do have regrets from that night, but don't you dare think I regret saving you. It's the only thing I've done right."
"Shhh," I whisper, snuggling my head over his. "Try to get some sleep before the cycle starts over."
Asiel groans, tightening his hold on my waist. "Princesa?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you sing me a lullaby?"
My eyes widen. "Why? My singing voice is terrible. It will torture you more than soothe you."
The mattress creaks when Asiel lifts his face, blinking his eyes while his lips protrude to a groan. "Please. You're the only thing that can silence the demons invading my mind."
I sigh. "Fine."
After clearing my throat, I sing the words to a classic song-- hopelessly devoted to you. It's a bold choice for my raspy, bass singing voice, but I take the shot. The first verse blends in with the tempo I formed. Here and there, I drop a kiss on his messy locks. Asiel relaxes in my arms. His breathing comes in soft, consistent motions. The grip on my waist floats absently into oblivion as he drifts to sleep to my horrible version of the chorus.
"I'm hopelessly devoted to you..." I hum, clinging onto Asiel for dear life.
We're one entity.
I hope forever.
But I learn to be appreciative of the days I get...
"I love you, Asiel," I confess, staring up at the blue ceiling because of the light as my heart swells with the fact of Asiel using me as his own personal teddy bear.
God, please don't let something ever happen to him.
Ahhh, I'm so proud of Asiel for undergoing a detox... I could imagine it being really freaking hard. Hopefully I portrayed it in a respectable way.
They're really each other's rocks 🥹🥹💜I love them .
Okay. Guys. I'm giving you a spoiler 🤭😋next chapter is going to be it— the Mictlan will be revealed. So, I want you guys to put your final bets down and say who you think it will be because tomorrow you will know 😝💀🤭
It's going to be crazy.
We're reaching the crazy part of the story.
Thank you for leaving comments and always supporting me with votes!! I appreciate it so much and it helps Mika stay afloat on the rankings 😂which are always out to get me.
Love you❤️💜❤️💜