Steve parked his car in front of my trailer, as soon he opens the door of the passenger side for me to get out my mom opened the door of the trailer. The look on her face, it was as if she was choking me with her hands in her mind but as soon her eyes rested on me Steve grabs my hand. I look at what he just did, then I look at my mom. As she watches our tangled hands, her whole posture, and expression change.
¨Ms. O'Connell, I hope I didn't cause you any problem by taking Hanna to a party.¨ Steve starts explaining as he walks us toward my mother. ¨I know you told me she was grounded but I know how worried you are that she hasn't made any friends, so that's why I took her to the party.¨ I owe him one.
My mom looks at him then at me, she is trying to make sure he is not lying.
¨Sorry, mom.¨
¨Don't worry sweetheart,¨ she says turning to look at Steve. ¨Just please next time consult it with me okay?¨
¨Yes ma'am.¨ Steve agreed.
My mom nods and then she puts a face, ¨So I see you have gotten closer.¨ She points without no filter at our hands.
¨Oh shut, Steve, you have to leave. You work a double shift tomorrow, RIGHT?¨ I'm practically looking at him, saying 'leave now before she starts'.
¨Um- yeah, shut. I'm sorry that I can't stay longer, Hanna is right, tomorrow I have a double shift.¨ I let go of his hand.
¨Oh, it's okay we can have a chat another time, don't worry. We had enough visitors for today anyway.¨ I look at my mom confused.
A visitor?
¨Then, I should leave now so you can stay with your visitor.¨ Steve shakes my mom's hand then turns to look at me, and he froze for a moment before taking a step forward and giving a kiss on my cheek as a goodbye. ¨Have a good night.¨ Those were Steve's last words before leaving.
As soon it was just my mom and me, I look at her. ¨Visitor?¨ She looks at me, and her face drops.
¨Lets get inside.¨ She says, not answering my question, turning around and opening the door of the trailer. I follow her to ask her who was it, unfortunately, my eyes gave me the answer first as I look inside the house.
He was sitting on our couch, with my sister in his lap, as he held a book in his hands. My mom closed the door to make him notice our presence, my presence.
He smiles, while I felt my insides turning. ¨Hanna, princess,¨ The nickname I loved coming from someone else's mouth was ruined at the moment he called me like that again. Jared stands up from his seat, walking toward me. I wanted to get as far away from him as I could, but I froze. He opens his arms as he gets close to me, once he reaches me he takes me into a hug. I don't hug him back. ¨Hug me.¨ He demands, whispering in my ear. I hug him, barely touching him. ¨You have changed, ¨ He says, breaking the hug. ¨You look beautiful, you finally dress up like a woman, well you failed in the colors, but you are getting better.¨ I bit my tongue before something comes out of me.
¨It's good to see you too...dad.¨ No matter if I try to make a smile out of myself, it doesn't seem to work. ¨How's been work? Does your lovely partner Mary is still working with you?¨ My tone was friendly, but my eyes were dry at any expression.
¨No, sadly, she got transferred.¨
¨Yeah, sadly.¨ I turn to look at my mom, not really caring what he has to say. ¨I'm tired, can I go to sleep now?¨ My mom was looking at my father and me, but as I ask she looks at the ground. She looks intimidated. ¨Can I?¨ I know ask him.
¨Sure, we can catch up tomorrow.¨ As he says, sure. I was already making my way to my room. Getting inside my room, I closed the door, but something else inside me opened. My eyes were burning, and my throat tightened. I run toward the opened window, almost, and I couldn't hold it before reaching it. I start throwing up, my hands shaking, my body shaking.
I thought maybe when I got to see him again I would have forgiven him, make peace with him. I thought that since I felt as if I missed him, but now I see how wrong I was. Tears slowly start rolling down my cheeks but as soon as they fall I clean them up trying to gain control over my emotions again.
Breath Hanna.
Don't cry.
You know, crying makes it worse.
No tear came out of me again, but my body was still shaking. Then I remembered something.
My dad called me princess...
Eddie!
I left Eddie at the party when he was waiting for me. I'M SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT! He will be so mad, and I will look like a douchebag after that. Fuck! I was so distracted by what Steve told me that I completely forgot.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I need to investigate where does he leave, I need to apologize. I feel worse now.
Fucking everything up, Hanna, agh!
***
Its early in the morning, the sun had just come up and I didn't sleep. Not a blink. I couldn't because I was feeling like the worst person ever after realizing what I did to Eddie, and the fact that my father stayed in our trailer didn't help. I got up from the bed as the sun that came through the window touched the floor of my room.
I didn't even remove my makeup from yesterday, so the first thing I did was get inside the bathroom. Turning the light in the bathroom, I meet with my reflection in the mirror. I look like a total mess, my hair is all messy, and my face, I look like a raccoon. When I was removing my makeup, I finished the last package of makeup removal wipes I had. I will have to go to a pharmacy.
I don't mind, I'll do anything to get out of the trailer.
Saying that, I put on some jeans, a t-shirt, and my converse. To my luck, everyone was still asleep when I got out of the house. Stepping outside, I feel chills running over my body. Today the air is kind of cold, but I'm definitely not getting inside and make the risk of waking someone. Him.
I walk down the stairs and while I do so I lift my head to look at the woods behind the trailers that are in front of mine. That's something I do every morning, I look at the woods. That's something I like from here.
I almost tripped in the last step as my eyes noticed something. I dont know if I'm too tired or just the guilt because I think I'm seeing things. Eddie just came out of a trailer beside Max's house. I squinted my eyes to make sure it was him. Once I saw his Hellfire T-shirt, I knew it was him and I was already running towards him.
"Eddie?" I asked loud enough for him to notice when I was halfway, but he doesn't even turn to look at me. Instead, he opens the trunk of the van and places some boxes inside.
I slow down as I reach him, "Eddie, oh my god. What are you doing here?¨ I'm so excited to see him, you need to get to the point, Hanna. ¨That doesn't matter, I'm s-" He cuts me off before I can apologize.
"None of your business." I don't even get mad at his tone, since I would be mad at me too after what happened. Well, I am mad at myself. I need him to know that I didn't mean to leave at the party. So I try to apologize again.
"Eddie, I'm sorry I leave the party without telling you. I had to leave with a friend of me and my mom because if I didn't, I would get grounded for over a year, and..." He cuts me again.
¨By friend, you mean to leave with Harrington?¨ He looks at me, betrayal all over his face. ¨Just tell the truth Hanna, you just leave to hook up with him, you don't have to make a stupid excuse.¨ I could tell he knew part of what I said was true, but the walls that were now built-in his precious eyes blinded him. ¨ I guess I was wrong about thinking you were special. At the end, you end up being another pretty face with no brain.¨ I tried to be reasonable with him, but he crossed the line.
What he said hurt me more than whatever my parents have said to me during the time I've been conscious. Look at me, Eddie Munson, and tell me what you said you didn't mean it. I dont want to do something I might regret later. But as in my mind I tried to picture him telling me what I wanted to say, I snap off my scenario as he slaps shut the trunk doors and leaves me hanging in there.
Eddie Munson
Once I was inside my trailer, I lose it when I get to my room. My vinyls, mixtapes, book's, I throw everything to the ground. I completely trashed my room, it wasnt that clean before but it has never looked the way it does now.
The way she stood beside me, all her body, told me I hurt her. But I was hurting too. I havent hurt like this since... God, I mean I can be selfish with everyone else but this one burn me inside, it took a lot of me to say that to her, if she was someone else I could have said worse. But when is about her, it's like I'm someone else, was someone else.
¨FUCK!¨ From all the fucking people in this fucking town, it had to be you Hanna and that son of a bitch, Harrington. I kick my mattress before sitting in the floor with my knees propped up, resting my hands in my knees. When I was about to drop my head looking down I notice my black metal box laying almost in front of me. I look at it for some seconds.
Fuck it.
I need some weed right now. I'll make it up to you, Chrissy.
I guess, after all, I'm better off alone. I've always been...