The blade clatters to the marble counter, my blood staining its white color. His message resonates through my mind and I lift my head towards the mirror feeling nothing but disgust for myself. The tears flow freely and I make no effort to stop it
"Why do you keep doing this to yourself?", I ask the mess looking at herself
His message came, it wasn't like I was not used to it appearing randomly these last couple of weeks. After I read it, I just want to cut, to sink the blade into my arms and see blood, to feel pain
I couldn't even wait to go home so I had rushed into the school's washroom to do it
The only thing that keeps me sane is the bracelet and its disappearance makes me hate myself ten times more.
I grip the sink harder
"Where the hell is the bracelet?"
The jingling of the lock brings me back to the present and I start panicking.
Quickly, I run my arm under the water, dispose of the blade, wipe the counter clean and run water over my face before unlocking the door. The girl at the door raises a brow at me and rushes past me into of the stalls
I walk out of the washroom and gritting my teeth in pain, I take out my phone from my pocket to see Blaze calling
"Hey Belle, where are you?"
"Um...currently walking to Spanish class, why?"
"Belle, are you okay. You sound like you cried"
"I'm okay, I just have a sore throat. That's all"
"If you say so. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you I need your help for something after school and I was wondering if you were up for it"
"What do you want my help with?"
"There's a reason I said something and didn't mention what I need your help for"
I roll my eyes
"Yeah, sure I'll be in the parking lot after school"
"Thanks"
"Whatever"
*****************************************
"So...where are we going?"
"Really, are we doing this again?,he asks with a sigh
You've asked this question a million times since I started driving, be patient"
I groan laying my head back on the seat and allowing the classical music from the car fill my ears
Ten minutes later, Blaze is driving towards a parking lot situated beside a school
Little kids run out from the school hugging their parents, others have their parent's hands holding theirs whilst speaking to teachers
"This, he says pointing to the school, is Ellie's school"
My curiosity piques as I wait for him to elaborate
"I thought about the conversation we had and your words struck a chord. It's time I grow up and start seeing myself as a brother to Ellie. She deserves that so I was hoping to start little- picking her up from school and taking her out for ice cream
"I'm glad to hear that but I'm here because...?"
"I need support. Ellie loves you and if you're there, it will help both of us- Ellie and I
" But it's the two of you bonding, me coming will make it a crowd and she'll end up talking to me and not you"
"Belle, little by little, remember?"
"Are you sure?"
He gives me a nod
"If you say so"
We walk into the school and to our immediate right is a receptionist desk. We walk toward the desk and the lady behind it gives me a smile
"Can you please show us the first-grade class?"
"Oh yes, take these stairs, she points to the stairs on our right and take a left. As you keep moving, the names of the classes are written on top of their respective classes"
"Thank you"
"You're welcome"
We take the stairs and exactly as the lady said, we follow the plaques on top and find Ellie's class
Entering the class, a lady walks towards us. She wears her blonde hair in a bun and sends us a smile
"Hello, I'm Miss Blake, how can I help you?"
As Blaze replies, I scan the classroom to find desks arranged in a circle in the middle of the classroom, pencils scattered on Miss Blake's table, and Ellie laughing at something a boy says. They were the only ones in the classroom
The boy looks about Ellie's age. He has black hair and there is a smile on his lips as he listens to Ellie talks
She feels my gaze on her and turns behind, she sees me, waves frantically, and starts running towards me
"Belle", she yells and wraps her arms around my lower back
Miss Blake turns to me with a smile
"Ellie speaks about you a lot and how you were her best babysitter. Well, it is nice meeting you. See you tomorrow Ellie", she waves at her and walks off
Elie turns to me, a big smile on her face
"I want you to meet Mason", she says grabbing my hand
"Who is Mason?"Blaze asks
Ellie turns to Blaze, a surprised look on his face noticing him for the first time
" Ma-son is my friend", she stutters looking down
"Can I meet him", he asks an expectant look on his face
Elie lifts her head so fast that I'm worried she got whiplash
" You can if you want to", she says a confused look on her face
We walk over to Mason who watches us curiously as we approach
"Mason, this is Belle-"
"The best babysitter ever?, he asks
" The best babysitter ever, she replies and that is Blaze"
"Mason frowns at the mention of Blaze and I wonder what Ellie told him
Ellie picks up her bag from the chair
"I have to go Mason but I'll see you tomorrow", she says and raises a fist. Mason's fist bumps hers and she sends him a smile
*****************************************
"So close, so close", Ellie mutters as Blaze stares intently at the control button.
The crane ascends higher but unfortunately, the rabbit he tries gripping slips and falls among the other heap of toy animals
Blaze had driven us to an ice cream shop at the end of town and it had a section for kids at the back where games were provided for kids. Ellie had spent the whole afternoon playing, from jumping in the foam pit cubes to the indoor trampoline, and through it all, she had a big smile on her face
Ellie turns to me with a pout and whispers
" Can you ask him if he can try again?"
Blaze faces her with a nervous smile
"I have a better idea, come on", Ellie looks at me with an unconvincing stare and I send her a nod. She hesitantly follows after him
I watch as they both move to a toy booth. Blaze crouches down and speaks to her. I see Ellie hesitates before she points at something.
He talks to the man behind the booth and he goes in, comes out with a little toy panda, and gives it to Ellie who has a smile on her face. She stares at the panda and back at Blaze. He stares back at her and raises a brow quizzically at me. My heart fluttering against my chest, I give him a nod
*****************************************
The car stops in front of my house and I get down of it. I open the back door and see Ellie, her head on the seat, her eyes closed, and her soft snores filling the backseat. I place a kiss on her head and close the four gently walking to the driver's side
Blaze steps out of the car and we both lean on it, no words between us
I feel Blaze's stare on me and I look up towards the sky trying to act nonchalant like his stare doesn't stir something strange in me
" How do you do that?", he whispers
"Do what?"
"How are you good with Ellie? I know it wouldn't have gone that well if you weren't there
Thanks for being there"
"Don't worry about it", I nudge his arm
And I'm always here if you need me"
"I'm holding on to that. So, he says looking back at Ellie
What should I do next?"
I lay my hand on his arm, my eyes meeting his
"Be patient with her, don't rush things..."
We stare into each other's eyes, my words falter and I become aware of the proximity between us which makes my heart start pounding and my knees feel weak
Before I can cut myself out of this trance, he grips my hand on his arm and entwines his fingers into mine
I shudder, the warmth from his palm flooding every inch of me. My mind yells at me to stop staring at his eyes but I just can't
His forest green eyes blazes with want and I move closer to him transfixed
He blinks cutting me off from the trance I was in. I jump back startled, our fingers no longer entwined
"Um...yeah.Good night,I'm gonna go"
I don't wait for him to speak, I quicken my steps practically running away from him and searching my pockets for my keys. I hurriedly insert the key into the keyhole unlocking it. I take a glance behind me before entering and shutting the door
"Stupid, stupid
What the hell were you doing to do?
Kiss him?
How stupid can you be?
Look at you
Why would he ever want to kiss someone like you,
He just needed your help with Ellie
Always remember, you are a ruined person
And nobody wants a ruined person"
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A/N: Thoughts are powerful
They can either make us or break us depending on how we let them
Self-hate, self-doubt are very serious destructions, they seem unimportant but they can destroy you when you let them control you
Please, seek help
Don't compare it to other mental illnesses and pass it off as nothing
As usual, if you liked this chapter
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