~one week later~
I wake to the sun streaming in through my curtains. It's looks to be a beautiful day today. The best part is that summer vacation has officially began. Yes, vacation, but I don't really take the summer off from work completely. I use this time to set new goals for my students for when they come back in the fall and update their IEPs. I work maybe one day a week during the summer for a few hours. The rest had usually been devoted to Kdramas and getting caught up on the latest uploads from my favorite groups. My main being BTS. This summer would be completely different though. I shuffle out of my room to the kitchen to start some coffee, and then sit at my table to.....well.....think. I've given myself a week to think about the letter Namjoon sent with the photo of me and Jungkook. I have sat down every day and read the letter and stare at the picture of the two of us in an intimate moment that someone snapped a picture of. I feel thankful though to the photographer these past few days, as every day looking at the photo and reading the letter I cry less and smile more. I have done a lot of thinking....and a lot of talking this past week, trying to figure out what I should do. Kayla came over and I showed her the picture and let her read the letter. I told her about the voicemail I sent to him, that she knew about thanks to big mouth Yoongi, and I let her hear and read the texts and voicemails he left me. We talked, we laughed, and we cried when I confided in her my true feelings and asked her advice of what I should do. I then called my mom, my biggest supporter. I went to spend the day with her and I told her about my three day affair with an idol. I then showed her everything...the letter and picture, the texts and voicemails from day one with him until the final text. I told her everything. All the in-between of how I spent my days when I got back from Chicago, to how Kayla was told how he's spent his days. I even showed her his Instagram posts. She has never judged me or Kayla and when she heard about both our affairs with kpop idols and how we're hushed to secrecy forever she laughed and just shook her head saying, "I think Kayla's wild side has finally rubbed off on you a little. I've been waiting to hear about you doing something stupid. But with an idol?.....YOUR idol at best? High five young lady." I couldn't help but laugh at my crazy mother. Kayla gets her free spirit from her. But I respect every bit of advice she's given me and she's never steered me wrong.
So today I woke ready to make my decision about whether to contact Jungkook and try to talk or to just let him and all of it go. I slept in late, until a whopping 7:30am. It feels good to get the extra sleep. I'm sitting at the table looking at the picture when my phone rings. "Hello Kayla and no I haven't done anything. I think I just made up my mind this morning. You and mom helped me so much. Thank you sis." I hear noises on the other line and I can hear Kayla whispering to someone. Growing very suspicious as to who is with her and what she is doing I ask, "Who are you talking to Kayla? Where are you?" I hear a bit of banging and it sounds like she drops her phone. "Ella? Are you still there? Shit...." I reply before she panics more or hangs up. "Yes I'm still here. What's going on with you Kay? You didn't answer me where you are." "Hm? What El? I didn't hear you." I'm getting frustrated at my sister keeping something from me. I know damn well she heard me. She's hiding something and it quickly pisses me off. Especially after everything I spilled to her this week. "Cut the shit Kayla and tell me where the Fuck you are!" She starts stammering but answers me. "Where am I? Well.....well, I'm on one of my adventures El." I'm still not being told what I asked and I'm getting more irritated by the second. But I'll play along. "Ooookay Kayla. Now where would this adventure have taken you to?" When she stammers again my patience runs out and I scream into the phone. "TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE KAYLA OR IM HANGING THE FUCK UP AND DONT YOU DARE FUCKING CALL ME BACK!!!" I huff after I'm finished. "Jesus El, moody much? I can't tell you where I am right now....just out of town." I've had enough of Kayla games at 8 o'clock in the morning. "What the fuck ever Kayla. Bye!" And I hang up on her. She infuriates me so bad. I don't give two shits where she ran off to this week, but it would be nice to know where my only sibling is to know she's ok. My phone dings a text and I pick it up only to roll my eyes at the sender. Kayla.
I wasn't trying to get you pissy on this glorious day. I was curious about if made your decision. I know you better than anyone but mom, so I am pretty confident I know your choice. I'll call later and tell you where I'm at. Once you make your call. Love you bitch!
What?? What does that even mean? I don't doubt she knows my decision, well she probably does, but why is this adventure destination such a big secret? Someone is there. More than one someone, I could hear multiple voices. Whatever, I shake off the bad Kayla mojo and get my nerves in check to make this call. The call that I've been terrified to make for a week. But it's time. I can't put this off another day. I take a few deep breaths and check the time, 8:17am, it'll be 9:17pm there. I pick up my phone and dial his contact.
One ring. My palms are sweaty. Two rings. I feel my heart racing. Three rings. I start shaking. Four rings. I begin to pull the phone from my ear with a shaky hand to hang up. Millions of thoughts race through my head with every ring. From he's busy with the comeback or he's in the shower, or he's napping, or he's done with me and doesn't want to answer. As I put my finger to the end button I hear someone calling out on the line. "ELLA? Yeoboseo...no! I mean, hello?? Ella! Did you hang up? Please say no!" His desperate voice is enough to bring wetness to my eyes. I put the phone on speaker and sit it on the table, thinking this will make me feel less stressed. I grab a straw and start bending and twisting it to keep my nerves at bay. Wiping my eyes I speak to the man who I've thought of every day for the past two and a half months but haven't spoken to once. "Ahem...y-yes....I'm....I'm still here. I hadn't hung the phone up yet." I hear him sigh in relief on the other line. "Oh ok. I'm sorry it rang so many times. I had to find a quiet place to talk with you. It's noisy here." I smile at the image of seeing him flustered, running through the dorm to find a quiet spot. "Why didn't you just go into your room. You said you all have your own rooms except Jimin and Jhope and they choose to share." He nervously laughs and I can see him rubbing the back of his neck cutely. "Ahhh, yes....that would have been a good idea. But we're not at the dorm." "Oh. Then the company? Did you run to your studio because you sound a little out of breath." There's the nervous laugh again. I can't help but stifle a chuckle. "Ahhh, eo...I mean yes. I'm in my studio. I'm sorry I keep saying things in Korean when you don't understand. I just have not had a use for English for some time now." That was a punch in the gut. He's basically telling me he hasn't spoken English since the infamous voicemails. "Stop apologizing. I know both those words from Kdramas so I knew what you said before you said it in English." I laugh at my small achievement with knowing a few basic words in Korean and want a high five, while he practically knows the entire English language and is apologizing for it. I hear him laugh again. We both then sit there and it grows silent. A very very loud silence. You called for a reason Ella so get on with it. "Uh, yes. So, I actually called you for a reason." "Oh?" My stomach starts doing flip flops. What if he rejects me? I made him wait for so long and then just call out of the blue to ask for maybe a shot to see what could happen? He's going to reject me! I clear my throat and try to calm my nerves, throwing the stupid straw that didn't do it's job. "Um yeah. First...first I wanted to ask how you've been?" Silence. "How I have been? Ella? Is this really why you called me?" I can hear the annoyance building in his tone. Who can blame him, I'm kinda stringing him along right now because I'm having a panic attack about spitting out my reason. I clear my throat again and take a sip of my coffee. "Um...yes, but no. Of course I'd like to know how you are. But no, that's not my main reason." I stop again, leaning back in my chair to fan my sweating face. I swear my heart might beat out of my chest right now. I hear him sigh on the line. "Ella. Are you going to tell me the reason you called me or not, because we are really busy with comeback prep-" I cut him off. "YES I AM! I'm just a nervous fucking wreck ok? Please give me a moment to calm my nerves or I might faint on my kitchen floor." I know I hear a distinct snicker on his side of the call but he replies with, "Ok. Im sorry. I'll give you time to tell me what it is you called to tell me." There's the sorry again. Mustering up some courage from god knows where, I start. "First, please stop saying your sorry in every sentence." "Ok, I'm sor...." He starts laughing, "I'm....shit! Ok, I won't say those words. They just come out though, I can't help it." I start smiling hearing his laugh. "I know, just try to not say it with everything. You can't possibly be sorry for everything." There's a silence on his end, then I hear his soft voice speak. "But what if I am sorry for everything Ella? Can't I tell you?" Arrow to the heart. No no no! It wasn't supposed to go like this. YOU were the one who was supposed to apologize. "Jungkook....don't say that." "But I am. I'm sorry for everything Ella. I'm sorry for making you think I didn't have sincere feelings for you. And I'm sorry I made you think I lied to you to get sex. I'm sorry I was stupid and listened to my hyungs and didn't call the moment I stepped off the plane two months ago like I wanted to. I'm sorry for stalking your Instagram to try and see you any way I could. I'm sorry Ella....for making you think you meant nothing to me when you mean so much to me." I sit there in shock and awestruck at his confession. I can't believe he just said everything I'd hoped he'd say. "You stalked my Instagram?" That's the first thing you say after he says all that? You're fucking stupid! I face palm and hear him laugh. "I may have also stole a few pictures to have with me to look at every moment I missed you. I didn't go a day without seeing your face." My face heats up. This man has me blushing from his sweet words through a damn phone. "Stop saying sweet things. I called to apologize to you, not for you to say all this to me." "It's everything I've needed to say Ella. I had to say it." I sigh, smiling so bad my cheeks hurt. This man will be the death of me! "Let me say what I need to say Jungkook. Please. I've been preparing what to say for a week." "What???" He asks loudly. "You've known you wanted to talk with me for a week, and had me sitting here dying every day without you?" I smile at his cute pouting but spit out what I called to say. "I know. I'm a coward. But I'm also so sorry Jungkook. I'm sorry for also not calling you, but stubbornly waiting for your call even though I was dying to talk to you the moment the elevator doors closed. I'm sorry for letting my mind getting the best of me and thinking you lied to me and used me to get me in bed. I'm so sorry for not hearing you out a week ago when you called so many times after I left that awful voicemail. I should have known better...that you wouldn't do that. I'm sorry for not believing in the sincerity of your words Jungkook. You are really an amazing man. Inside and out. And ....well...if you still want to, I would like to stay in touch with you and let what happens happen?" I let out the air I've been holding in, along with a shit ton of anxiety. I feel like a huge boulder has been lifted from my chest. He doesn't say anything for a moment and I feel those anxious feelings creep back in. I give it one last try. "So....what do you say?"