I didn't end up going out with jimin and that lot.
When we eventually went home, namjoon held my hand very tightly the whole way, as if afraid id walk into the road.
It was tempting after i finally realised the damage of crying in front of namjoon. I felt ashamed. I wanted him to think i was stronger than that. God, when was the last time i cried infront of anyone? When was the last time i cried?
I didn't get the words i wanted from namjoon and it's because i didn't tell him. I couldn't. I want to tell someone so bad how I hate everything about myself but why should i dump it all on them? It sounds so whiny and Its down right in fair.
For the next couple of days, my chest felt like it was being torn apart. The burning feeling came every time i breathed. Then the feeling of pressure, but now it was everywhere. And it seemed, my head was going back to its old ways.
Crippling headaches. So i just slept through most of it. This week we were practising all previous songs. It was if the company knew i felt exhausted, so they put us through our most tiring practices.
I remember walking out of the room after practice and seeing stars. I refuse to believe I'm sick. If i am, there's only one place id have got it from and it's yoongi. The feeling of even mentioning it would be crushing.
This was all something i could live with until the 4th day.
"hyuuuunnnng" jungkook whined, swinging on my door. He had terrified me so I had fell out of bed because of it.
"what-" i groaned, trying to cover my head to block out the light that flooded through the door. He was swinging on it now, in with a pouty look on his face.
"hyung- can i have a hug? I want to check if you're real?" he was in one of Those moods where all he does is crave attention. I guess i am his last resort.
"sure give me a sec" i whispered, trying to recover from my crushed lungs.
I wheezed feeling my insides burn.
Like someone was gripping into my lungs, not wanting me to breathe.
"jisung?"
Then i fell. For a strangely long time. I assumed my bedroom floor was closer to me.
But Then a familiar cold feeling washed over me. It cooled the burning feeling in my lungs. It quelled every ache in my body.
"jisung?" i panicked voice shot through the cold, trying to pull me up.
No. I don't want to get up.
"i think he's blacked out" i heard a mutter. Have i?
Have i really?
That's why I'm so cold.
The cold that has once been so soothing now bit me. It wasn't comforting at all.
_
I don't remember waking up. I don't remember getting out of whoever's grasp i was in.
But i know i was there for a while. Jin was there, i remember the smell of his cologne. It's very specific. Very different, which i liked. Its the addicting kind. The kind i want to consume and makes my heart beat.
"hes awake-" i heard someone hiss, and clambering to their feet. I reconsided the foot pattern. It was Hoseok. Clumsy footfalls.
"don't smoother him-" i heard another voice. It was louder than hoseoks, coming from above or behind.
Jin.
"but i want to ask him if hes ok-"
"You can do that from a distance"
I opened my eyes for a moment, but immediately closed them, the lights way too bright. I covered my eyes in disgust.
"Turn that light off-" i heard jin snap. More of those clumsy footsteps.
"hey jisung" i heard jins voice pull me away from falling asleep again. Hes so soft. I could really fall for him.
"you've been silly haven't you?"
"in what way?" i groaned, trying to sit up but i was in jins grasp. He held my shoulders down, he used little force to restrain me, as i often listened to his words.
"you've been just as bad as yoongi...if only you'd complain as much as he does" jin whispered. Hands in my hair.
Now filly cognitive, i gathered i was lying in his lap. It's why his smiles lopsided. His hands fiddled with my hair, a nice feeling that i hardly ever got for an extended period of time.
"is everyone else here?" i said, hoping, begging that everyone else wasn't haggling around my death bed. To embarrassing.
"no, only we know" he smirked. He probably knew why i was asking.
"little jisung can't stand the sheer about of attention he gets, just by being beautiful" hoseok said, in that mocking voice he always did when i was in the care of someone else that wasn't him.
Therapy is the only place for a problem like that im telling you. I shook my head and tried to go back to sleep.
There was silence for a few more seconds. But jin broke it.
"joon told us what happened the other day you know"
My eyes snapped open, and i looked at jin in a mix of pure terror and confusion.
"what" i said quietly. Did he mention i cried? I swear to god-
"he just said that the staff weren't that nice to you. He was pretty angry about it as well"
Jin had a sympathy in his eyes that told me he didn't know i cried. If he knew he would have knocked down my door and tried to crush me the moment he found out.
"this bloody company" hoseok cursed, throwing his milk carton across the room, aiming for the bin. He missed. He ignored it.
"there's nothing wrong with you. You're perfect in my eyes and that's the only eyes that matter. " Jin glared at me as if making sure i didn't take their advice. It was strangely comforting.
I smiled. Jin did to, but with more of air of trouble. He probably knew i had a go at the staff member. He probably cried when he heard. Of joy and pride.
"don't let the management boss you about. You're what gets their pay no matter how you look. It's not like gaining weight is a bad thing either." jins grasp tightened with every word. They just enjoy control.
Its nice to know someone shares my opinion.
At that moment, jungkook burst through the door, his arms hugging a plastic bag and he was absolutely drenched.
" y'know they're water proof?" Hoseok called as soon as he saw jungkooks cradle.
Jungkook let out a sniff of contempt and the bag fell from his grasp.
"i was getting food." jungkook said awkwardly, dripping onto the carpet. Jin was so interested in my hair he didn't notice.
"i can see that," hoseok said, looking down his nose at the dripping boy.
"who for?"
"jisung" jungkook said, his voice very low and quiet. Acting like this was his love confession in a dating simulator not an integration.
"MY jisung?" hoseok looked affronted.
"yes YOUR jisung." jungkook said sarcastically, then threw a chocolate bar at his head, his previous persona discarded for a violent action.
"what the hell" hoseok picked up the chocolate.
"uncalled for" he hissed rubbing his head in disgust.
(a/n: today my ms paint drawings were laughed at by my computer science teacher. anyway.