There's a moment when I wake up in the hospital bed and I don't know where I am and I can't remember what happened. Then everything floods back. And although the memories aren't good, I'm relieved that I have them. The minutes of terror, of sobbing over my little sister's still body. Then, like the touch of an angel, the soft pressure of Malila's fingers under my coat, poking me in my ribs. Her left eye locking onto me as I cried with relief. Blind to the pain in my head and arm, managing to carry her to Caspian's side. Spotting Katniss nearby and frantically smothering her flames with piles of snow and throwing myself over her to keep her body warm, until medics swooped in and took over. Desperately trying to stop Caspian's bleeding by wrapping my scarf around his calf. Half-conscious, huddling with my arms around him and Malila, waiting for someone to help us. My vision going black just when three medics arrived.
After long weeks, I'm discharged from the hospital and I camp out in Malila's room instead of the suite in the manor that is offered to me. Auntie Tina has chosen to do the same, only moving from the couch in Malila's room to visit Caspian. I manage to crawl to his room once, but aside from terrible scarring on his leg that matches my arm, I'm assured he's fine. In Malila's room, I choose a large armchair and sit, watching her. After a few days, Annie comes in. She doesn't smile like she usually does. I move over and she squeezes into the chair with me. Our hands find each other and hold tight. It's a week before Caspian is allowed to leave his room and join us. He sits on the edge of Malila's bed until his body starts drooping and his leg goes purple, when his mother makes him lie down on the couch next to her. Within a day of his being here, Malila speaks for the first time. It's not much. Asking Caspian for water. But it's something.
We work in a sort of rotation. I move from the armchair to the couch, my leg pressed against Auntie Tina's while Caspian sits next to Annie. She puts her head on his shoulder and we don't see her face for an entire day. He rubs his hand up her arm and pretends she isn't crying. Then Annie takes my place and I curl up with Caspian, my head tucked under his chin. He thinks I'm asleep, but I'm not, and I feel every kiss he presses to the top of my head.
There's a silence that is deathly loud. A word unspoken. A person missing. For a family that is so close, we don't talk at all about Finnick. Annie, Auntie Tina and Malila all figured it out when they found only Caspian and me in the hospital. They haven't asked any questions.
It takes a couple of weeks for Malila to be able to walk around the room. She's blind in one eye and has to drag her right side along with her every step, but she jokes that she matches Caspian's new permanent limp. Immediately, she demands to be released from the hospital. The doctors and nurses refuse, but after two days of her pestering, complaining and convincing, they discharge her, and we finally settle in to the manor suite.
Within hours, I discover that Peeta and Johanna have their own rooms near ours. We sit together on the floor of a hallway and I tell them about Barrere. Peeta is calm and uninjured, and Johanna seems stable again. They don't tell me whether what I did was right, but I can tell they're here to support me. The next day, I find my way back to the hospital wing, determined to see Katniss. All I know is that she is alive. Nurse Everdeen stops me just when I reach the door. She is the one to tell me. Prim is dead. Kind, sweet Prim, who befriended Malila and let me hold her cat. Nurse Everdeen asks that I tell Lila. She can't bear it, especially knowing she was about to lead Malila into the same massacre that killed her daughter. She thanks me for the help I gave Katniss, for saving her daughter. I try to say that Katniss has helped me just as much, but she seems deaf to everything. I catch sight of Katniss laying motionless on her white sheets, and I turn around.
Telling Malila is impossible task, but I've completed my fair share of those, so somehow, I manage it. She seems to lose feeling in her entire body, as if all the bones keeping her up have melted. She cries for a long time and I carry her to bed. Exhausted, she falls asleep almost instantly, tears staining her cheeks. I convince Annie to join her, asking her to look after Lila. It's more than that, though. They will be the most help to each other right now.
I wait another day before visiting Katniss. For once, I try to prepare what I will say, I want to be ready with the right words. I can't find any at all. Katniss opens her eyes when I enter and they follow me as I slowly walk to her bedside. Hesitantly, I sit. I take her hand. She closes her eyes again, and her body starts to shake in silent sobbing. Her fingers tighten around mine. We don't say anything, but I sit there for a long time, drawing circles onto the back of her hand with my thumb.
Weeks pass quietly. Things are happening in Panem, but I don't get involved. Vaguely, I'm aware of my last conversation with Finnick, of how he talked about building a better Panem. I decide that he'll forgive me for spending most of my days holding Annie's hand instead. Caspian is sometimes called to give his opinion on various things, and I hear him discuss every event with his mother, asking for her opinion. As if he doesn't trust his own anymore. Or maybe he just wants to share the burden.
It's Haymitch who tells us, one day when Peeta, Annie, Johanna, Caspian and I are sitting on the floor in Peeta's room. Peeta is drawing in a notebook that hasn't left his side since he got out of the hospital. Johanna is lying on her back with her arms reaching towards the ceiling, twisting her hands into shapes and movements. Annie is sitting cross-legged, a stack of papers on her lap, her hand flying furiously across the pages. She's been doing this for a few weeks now, but she won't tell us what she's writing yet. Caspian has some sort of electronic tablet in his hands, but he's looking out the window instead of focusing on whatever plans he's supposed to be looking over. I'm sitting and watching them all, humming something vague. The District 4 wedding song, maybe? Haymitch is the only one not on the floor. He sits in an armchair and tells us that Snow has been sentenced to execution. There's no reaction aside from a few nods. No one is surprised. Haymitch adds that Katniss will be doing the executing. This makes us look up, but still, we don't say anything.
The day of the execution, I'm with the same group again when a District 13 official calls us to some meeting. We've been done up by a large prep team - none of them from the Games - but they mostly just tried to smooth over our scars and burns. We're all dressed in grey uniforms from 13. Haymitch happens to be with us again. He's been mostly absent since the Capitol fell, but recently he's been joining us more regularly. I like to think it helps him. And I'm pretty sure it helps Peeta.
We follow the District 13 assistant through the halls of the mansion. He walks much faster than we do and looks almost exasperated when he has to slow for us. I see Caspian grit his teeth - he's still not used to his limp - and I press my shoulder against his arm. When we enter the room, it's empty except for Enobaria. She looks up at us and says, "Hello". Some of us answer, and we all take seats around the table.
"Any ideas?" Peeta asks the group.
"Looks like they're assembling the victors," Johanna mutters. Annie glances at me and I shrug. Caspian leans over and tells her to stay, since she's here anyway.
Beetee is ushered in a minute later, and then Katniss comes in. I haven't seen her since she was in the hospital. I went back a few times, but when she was discharged, I never found her again. She's dressed in her Mockingjay suit. "What's this?" she asks.
"We're not sure," Haymitch answers. "It appears to be a gathering of the remaining victors."
I look around. Haymitch, Johanna, Enobaria, Peeta, Beetee, Katniss, Caspian and me. All that's left of seventy-five years worth of tributes - not even ten victors.
"We were targeted from both sides," explains Beetee. "The Capitol killed the victors they suspected of being rebels. The rebels killed those thought to be allied with the Capitol."
"So what's she doing here?" Johanna growls at Enobaria.
It's Coin who answers, striding into the room. She wears the same grey uniform, but I glance around the group again, and I think about how she looks so much more whole than the rest of us. Where our uniforms trap our broken pieces into a coherent image, hers is worn like a royal's cloak.
"She is protected under what we call the Mockingjay Deal. Wherein Katniss Everdeen agreed to support the rebels in exchange for captured victors' immunity. Katniss has upheld her side of the bargain, and so shall we," Coin says. Then she looks at Annie. "This is a victors-only meeting."
"It's Annie," says Caspian as if that answers everything. It does. The looks Coin gets from the other victors are enough to make her back down.
"Very well, you may sit in," she says, then turns to address the full group. "I've asked you here to settle a debate. Today we will execute Snow. In the previous weeks, hundreds of his accomplices in the oppression of Panem have been tried and now await their own deaths. However, the suffering in the districts has been so extreme that these measures appear insufficient to the victims. In fact, many are calling for a complete annihilation of those who held Capitol citizenship. However, in the interest of maintaining a sustainable population, we cannot afford this." I think about Tigris. About Janus, who I haven't heard about in months. About the children I saw in the street. Those killed by the parachutes. "So, an alternative has been placed on the table," Coin continues. "Since my colleagues and I can come to no consensus, it has been agreed that we will let the victors decide. A majority of four will approve the plan. No one may abstain from the vote-"
"What happens if we do?" I interrupt. It's an important question, since Coin is already exerting her power over us, but I ask it half-heartedly.
"You won't," she says steadily. "What has been proposed is that in lieu of eliminating the entire Capitol population, we have a final, symbolic Hunger Games, using the children directly related to those who held the most power."
"What?" says Johanna. It's been a long time since I've seen her taken by surprise.
"Are you joking?" asks Peeta.
"No. I should also tell you that if we do hold the Games, it will be known it was done with your approval, although the individual breakdown of your votes will be kept secret for your own security," Coin tells us.
"Our votes?" I echo, still not quite able to believe what she's saying. "You want us to vote on whether we should send more children to die?"
"Was this Plutarch's idea?" asks Haymitch.
"It was mine," says Coin. My mind goes blurry. Of course. Of course it was her idea. "It seemed to balance the need for vengeance with the least loss of life. You may cast your votes."
"No!" bursts out Peeta. "I vote no, of course! We can't have another Hunger Games!"
"Why not?" Johanna retorts. "It seems very fair to me. Snow even has a granddaughter. I vote yes."
"So do I," says Enobaria. "Let them have a taste of their own medicine."
"No!" says Caspian in a voice that is trying to be calm and sensible, but his face and tone both betray his alarm. "No, Peeta's right, we can't do this. We rebelled so this wouldn't happen again."
Caspian's voice brings me out of my state of shock. "Exactly!" I say. "This...this is.." I see Coin looking at me and the words I want to say suddenly seem too dangerous. "I vote no. No. We can't." Annie leans over to take my hand, and I look at her, suddenly struck with an idea. "Annie, what do you say? You should get Finnick's vote."
"I say no," she says calmly. "That's what Finnick would vote, too, if he were here." I'm distracted for a second. Is this the first time she has said his name without crying?
"But he isn't, because Snow's mutts killed him," Johanna says, snapping me out of my thoughts. I feel hot hatred run through my veins in a way I have never felt for Johanna. I knew we were different, but this? Only Annie's tight grip on my hand keeps me seated.
"No," says Beetee. "It would set a bad precedent. We have to stop viewing one another as enemies. At this point, unity is essential for our survival. No."
"We're down to Katniss and Haymitch," says Coin, and we all turn to them. Caspian and Peeta are both trembling with emotion, and I grip Annie's hand so hard my knuckles turn white. Katniss and Haymitch. They wouldn't... Surely they wouldn't. Haymitch was the one who approached us about the rebellion. Katniss, with her sister, she wouldn't condemn other children. I should be focusing on their faces, on reading their expressions, on figuring out their thoughts, but everything seems to be happening through a filter.
Only Katniss's voice comes through. "I vote yes... for Prim."
This time I shoot to my feet. "Katniss, what would Prim say about-"
"She can't say anything," Katniss says calmly. Too calmly. "My sister is dead."
"So is mine!" I shout. This stops her. I feel my lip trembling, and I take a second to lean back, trying to calm my voice. Still, it breaks when I speak. "And so is Finnick. And his parents. And mine. And Caspian's father. And Annie's cousin. And Mags. And hundreds of others." I have to stop for a second because my tears are choking me. "But that's the point. This isn't the way. We need to change. Everything I have done has been for my friends and family. For all the people who have died or were going to die. For Malila. And all the children. Because if we learn anything, shouldn't it be that we have to protect them? That they are the most innocent in all this? That they're our future and everything that is good? Wasn't Prim?" Katniss looks away from me, so that even if I was able to focus on reading her expression right now, I can't. I look to Coin instead, suddenly bold. "I didn't fight in this war and lose my best friend to live in the same world. Things are going to change. The world is going to be better. No matter what."
A/N: Last three chapters!