Hi friends, sorry about the chapters being out of order - no idea what the deal was, I fixed it though, I think. So thanks for reading, thanks for being great, and thanks for being you!! <3
The next day I wasn’t scheduled to work and I was grateful my classes finished by 11:30. Emily decided to skip class today and when I got to our dorm she was ready to go. We were going to drive over to the hotel to meet up with the boys, Liam, Louis, and Zayn were going to get there around three. Emily was upset none of their girlfriends could come because she really wanted to meet them. But they all had their own busy lives to lead, and even though I had nothing against them, I was finally around a group of people I felt adequate to and comfortable with, and I would just compare myself to Perrie, Eleanor and Danielle if I met them right now.
When we got to the hotel, we knocked on Harry’s door and Niall answered, giving both of us big hugs.
“I’m so excited! I just can’t hide it!” Harry exclaimed as he ran from the bathroom and started jumping on the bed. We laughed and Emily asked, “When will they get to the hotel?”
“WE’RE HERE BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!” Louis exclaimed poking his head in the open doorway with a giant smile on his face.
“BOOR BEAR!!!” Harry exclaimed and jumped off the bed as Louis, Liam, and Zayn ran into the room and hugged all of us.
After all the greetings and hugs and kisses on the cheek, we let the guys go put their luggage in their rooms. Before leaving, Zayn said, “Suzan, come with me, I want to talk to you about something,”
Slightly nervous, I got up from the bed, leaving a space between Liam and Niall. I helped Zayn carry his bags to his room at the end of the hall and when we got in he started putting his clothes in the closet.
“So, what’s the status?” he asked sounding like a gossiping middle schooler.
“On what?” I replied, being comforted by his twinkling eyes.
“Psh, on you and Niall, he is being very vague when I ask him about it,” Zayn said matter-of-factly as he hung one of his jackets.
“Oh, uh well…we are just taking things as they come. There are a lot of factors,” I answered. I need to get used to the fact that whatever happened with me and Niall it wouldn’t be just between us, it would include the whole band. I was okay with that, they were all nice guys; it was just…a lot to get used to. It’s like gaining four new brothers.
“What kind of factors?” Zayn asked, and I knew he was asking more than the obvious like the distance and fans. Still, I played stupid.
“Oh, you know…you guys travel a lot, and I am busy with school, plus I don’t want to get hate mail from fans. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have a Twitter account,”
“That all gets blown over after a while. Besides, most of the time the fans are alright towards our girlfriends,”
“Still…it’s a lot of attention,”
Zayn started folding some trousers and said, “Yeah, it took you forever to accept the attention Niall was giving you,”
“So you really know every detail, huh?” I asked sheepishly
“Yup, just as if I read it straight out of a fanfic,” he said making me chuckle.
“Well then why are you asking me if you already know?”
“Because, last time I saw you, you were confused and insecure and all you wanted was get as far away from Niall as possible. You’re acting a lot different now. I like it, you finally got that stick out of your ass. But that doesn’t mean you still are insecure about things,”
I looked at him in amazement. “How do you-“
“You’re easier to read than a book,” he answered my question.
“Can everyone-“
“No, but I can,” he said, answering my question once more.
I sat there not saying anything, allowing myself to feel the fear of my insecurities rush back. I’d been holding off thinking about this too long, distracting myself too much by being with my friends.
“What people say doesn’t change what you have with him,” Zayn said
“What if we do start officially dating and when people find out, they don’t like me. Fans have gotten so used to Niall not having a girlfriend, and now all of a sudden he is with me? If they don’t like me…if they think I’m ugly…and he starts to see what they’re saying…what if he sees those bad things in me too?” I was getting stomach pains from worry as it all rushed at me at once, the fear, the panic. What if Niall did see all the bad stuff in me after I opened up and let him in? I don’t think I could ever let someone into my life like that again.
“Niall takes pride in the fact that he loves with his heart and not his eyes. You’re a beautiful girl, Suzan. You just need to take some time to see that for yourself. If Niall didn’t think you were worth chasing, he wouldn’t have spent his holiday doing so. You are good for him. He is a happy person, but he is even happier when he talks about you. And after being in the same room as you guys, I can see it in the way he looks at you,”
I thought about that for a second and said, “Is it bad I still don’t understand why?”
“Why what?”
“Why I make him happy? I mean…” I trailed off not wanting to say it. Not wanting to say I’m nothing special.
“Do you have to understand?”
“Yeah,”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t see it and I want to see it,”
“Do you understand why he makes you happy?”
“Yeah,”
“Why?”
“Because I can look in his eyes and feel safe. And we can kiss and I stop over thinking. Because he makes me laugh and he pays attention,”
“Then why would you over think your way out of a relationship like that?” Zayn asked as he came and sat on the bed next to me.
“Because…because of all the factors,”
“There are factors but they don’t influence how he ultimately makes you feel, do they?”
“No,”
“And they don’t for Niall either,”
I looked up at Zayn and smiled as his eyes twinkled at me and a grin played across his face.
“It’s that damn stick up my ass, huh?” I said, making fun of myself a little.
“Yeah,” he nodded and laughed.
There was a knock at the door and when Zayn opened it Louis came in.
“And how is Suzy this fine evening?” he asked as he and Zayn sandwiched me on the bed.
“Not bad. How is Louis today?” I replied as he took a piece of my hair and smelled it.
“I’m fantastic. You smell good. You also smell like Niall,”
I chuckled awkwardly, not being used to people smelling my hair.
“What are we doing today?” Zayn asked, stifling a yawn – no doubt from the jetlag.
“What do you guys want to do?” I asked
“Are there any good clubs we can go to tonight?” Louis asked
“You’ll have to ask Emily about that, she is the clubber out of the two of us,”
“You’ve never been?” Zayn said sounding a little surprised
“It’s not really my scene,” I replied awkwardly
“Well let’s go ask Em!” Louis said jumping up and leaving for Harry’s room.
“We can do something else if you don’t want to go,” offered Zayn
“That’s fine, they just aren’t my thing, but you guys go, I have a friend who I need to work some things out with anyway. Maybe I’ll do that while you’re all out,”
----
“Okay, so it’s decided, we go out to dinner and then we go to P3 club and see where the night takes us!” Liam confirmed later on when we were all gathered in his room.
“Yeah!” everyone said excitedly.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come, Suzy?” Niall asked. He knew I was going over to talk to Calvin, and I could tell he wished I were coming.
“I’m sure,” I replied with a fake smile. He saw through it instantly.
The truth was I didn’t like clubs. I went once with Emily and I just didn’t like it. I didn’t like getting attention from guys just because they were horny. I knew it would be different going with the guys, but I figured it would be a good time to talk to Cal anyway. I wanted to work things out with him. He hasn’t talked to me since I last saw him, and I don’t want to lose our friendship.
“LETS GOOOOO!!!” Louis shouted, as he herded everyone out the door.
When we got out to the parking lot there was a mob of fans there – something I wasn’t used to.
“Like I said, it’s harder to keep a low profile when we’re all together,” Niall said in my ear. He tried to take my hand and lead me to the van, but I didn’t let him. We hadn’t officially talked about “us” and even though it looked like things were going in that direction, I wasn’t ready for more attention from fans than absolutely necessary right now. He looked at me, and understood when he saw my worried expression as I avoided eye contact with the crowd. Paul and other guards kept us safe and we had no problems getting in the van.
We made the quick stop to drop me off at the college and everyone said goodbye as I got out. Niall followed me and walked me to my dorm room.
“Good luck with Calvin,” he said quietly
“Are you still worried about me having feelings for him?” I asked curiously
“A little,” he confessed
I realized I wasn’t the only one who was worried about things and over thinking. Niall was worried I would just drop him like a hot potato for a guy I’ve known longer. I felt bad that he thought that. I wanted to make his see I honestly had no feelings like that for Cal whatsoever. But how could I make him understand? This must be what he feels like when we talk about my self-esteem.
I did the only thing I thought would make him understand. He thought it would make me understand when he did it, so maybe it could work.
I took his face in my hands and kissed his lips more passionately than I ever had before. I tried conveying that even though we had things to talk about, he is the one guy who has made me feel this good. He is the only guy. He is different and special and I’m not going to give that up based on seniority of how long I’ve known someone. I think he understood because he pulled me in as close as possible and he didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want him to. I wanted our bodies to be smooshed up together like that forever. Finally I broke away and said breathlessly, “Don’t be worried, you don’t have any competition,”
He nodded his head, a little discombobulated. I smiled shyly at him, but something caught my eye. I turned to look out my window and saw a man with a camera peeking in. He ran off as soon as Niall and I made eye contact with him. Shit, Emily and I forgot to close our curtains. It sucked living on the bottom floor.
I turned to look back at Niall with a worried look.
“It’s okay…I mean…we’ll figure something out…” he said not really knowing how to deal with the situation. Before my fears came back full force, I said, “Later. Go, everyone is probably getting impatient. I need to go talk to Cal,”
He gave me a goodbye kiss and left.
I pulled my phone out and texted,
Me: Hey Cal, we should talk. Let’s meet in the courtyard. Just us, I promise.
Cal: Yeah…okay. Be there in 5
I got to the courtyard fairly quickly and saw Calvin already sitting by the fountain. He stood up when I approached him and I gave him a big hug, just to let him know I didn’t want anything to change with us.
That’s when I saw him. The same photographer, getting a shot of me and Calvin hugging.
“Shit,” I grumbled,
“What?” he asked confused
“Come on, let’s go back to your dorm and talk…”
As me and one of my best friends went to go talk about his secret love for me, I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something wasn’t right, this photographer wasn’t right. I don’t know what will happen, but I don’t have a good feeling about this at all.