I thought leaving the room would make me calm down, that i would somehow not be enraged when i left. I tried to calm down, the corridors around me seemed to shift as i tried to fix my breathing. I heard laughing from around the corner and i recognised it to be the ones of namjoon, hoseok and taehyung. I wiped my eyes on the back of my sleeve, quickly dispersing before they could see me.
Whenever i feel to much at once, i always end up crying, you probably have noticed.
I cry at stupid times.
"i swear i just saw jisung?" i heard namjoon, very distantly.
"i would know if i saw the love of my life, namjoon" i heard hoseok yawn carelessly.
I couldn't help but smile at this.
"i swear, i saw his hoodie and his hair, it was sticking up at the back it had to he be him-" namjoon said desperately.
My hands flew to my head, flattening it, feeling self-conscious.
"you're seeing things mate." i heard taehyung mutter as i ran away.
The anxiety i had felt before, still remained.
I had felt so big when I stood up to him. But now, as i looked back at the memory, I felt small. Minuscule.
-
Yoongis studio was slightly messy. Wires slithered on the floor, joined by a stack of notebooks that i imagine had once been on his desk until they were all knocked over.
I smiled sadly as i saw yoongis little doodles in his notebooks.
A doodle of 2 people holding hands, one has green hair while the others quite long.
It took about 15 minutes to straighten everything out, the absences of yoongi made the room even colder and strangely empty. So the void in my chest widened.
Yoongis presence would usually fill the room, even when he had left for a moment, his warmth would still linger and you would feel comfortable in the knowledge that he would return.
Sometimes, we would stop doing work and just sit on his sofa. Especially recently, because it was so cold we would have to fuse together. With neither of our complaints.
I pushed his chair under his desk feeling heavy. Like everything was happening, that normal simple things were still going on. that in fact existed.
I frowned, desiding to distract myself, if only slightly. Yoongis least favourite
Task, which was sorting out paperwork. It was just the simple task of what needed to be thrown away or what needed to be kept.
He'd be thankful to return to no paperwork.
Especially when you have been ill. I'd personally throw myself away if that happened.
The room was so cold and i couldn't shake the feeling of paranoia. This could be put down to my disagreement, but it was so quiet. Without the hairdryer fans in the computer or the noise
Of someone existing, i felt lonely.
Like i was the only one in the building.
Then the heavy feeling.
I had stopped, mid throwing something away, my hand still hovering over the bin, completely zoned out.
My intense feelings hadn't been squashed. They haven't been squeezed into another box in my brain to be reviewed at a later date just yet.
I felt so sick. I felt so much so suddenly i felt like i wanted to crumble under the weight of it all.
I didn't know i was crying until the paper that was so still in my hands started to look like it was being rained on and that i suddenly couldn't read.
It was overwhelming suddenly the fact i was an idol disgusted me, the mere thought of myself made me sick. It's nothing to do with how i look. Everything is going wrong in my head. all my problems are forged in my head.
My brain is a pet, that I'm sick of looking after. And yet no one bothered to help change that part.
I got up, not prepared to cry in the studio. The air was suffocating, the walls I know would suddenly close in around my head.
I speed walked to the bathroom, keeping my head down as i did so, intending on keeping my pitiful weakness to myself.
The bathroom walls were ridden with rude words. Probably unhinged trainees.
"everything is simply a shape-" i started reading a small scrawl of a paragraph, but stopped, feeling like it would summon something if i continued.
I sighed, and i caught a glance at myself in the mirror. Maybe it was because i didn't have my glasses, but it looked like my eye sockets were empty. Just two voids on my face.
I tried to smile but in the end, i cracked. The tears suddenly screamed to be let out of my tear ducts.
I choked, crouching down, clutching the cold porcelain sink. I felt my chest tighten and more weight press down. My head ached and i tried to fall forward out of dizzyness
This is seriously getting boring. Im always sad, always angry, always some form of upset.
Why can't i feel anything new? Every week, maybe day, something always goes wrong. And i am the common denominator. I cause most of the issues here.
Maybe they should remove me.
I hid under the sink. Very much how i did the other day in my attempts to flee from getting my hair cut. I ruffled the back of my head self consciously as if i was afraid the doors to all the stalls were insulting my hair.
If someone were to come in, I'm sure they wouldn't bat an eyelid. In this company, similar to jyp trainees would be breakdowns or emotional outbursts all the time. Its why someone in my last group got strangled it's because we were all a bunch of nutters.
Someone was always crying somewhere and today, that someone was me. Maybe that was just my perspective on things, in my department, or just everyone was used to my group crying they didn't bother to bat an eye.
So if someone were to come in, i wouldn't care less.
However, i was horrified when i saw the bathroom door be pushed open, and i saw a pair of shoes grace the fresh hold.
When i said they don't care about crying, we still don't like pll walking in and seeing it. My tears have always been a problem and crying in front of most of my members was bad enough, let alone a Stranger.
Bullies were everywhere and always full of insults.
To my horror, they seemed to notice me. The shoes stopped at my sink. Red converse.
It was a surprise when namjoon face appeared, he had to lean down it reminded me of those tall animals that i cant actually spell.
"Having fun? Are we?" he chuckled, his eyes shining. But his smile and casualness was quickly washed away as if a Rain cloud had started pouring down upon him.
"oh no" he whispered, suddenly getting into a cross-legged position.
"what the matter?" he said softly. As i had never cried in front of namjoon to my memory, i had no idea, how his conforming worked.
I wanted to keep my crying away from everyone else, i hated crying in front of people, despite having cried multiple times in front of most members.
I think i cried with namjoon before, however, I've cried so many times in the last week i don't remember.
Even if i had it was probably due to the pain of hitting my head. I've noticed you can clearly see what is hurting someone from the look on their face.
"oh dear" was all he could whisper as his eyes took in the absolute atrocity it must be, to find jang jisung crying under a sink.
-
I don't think Ive ever been hugged like that before. The memory of namjoon pulling me into a strong-armed hug was really something to remember. He didn't say anything surprisingly. The man full of words chose to say nothing. And i don't mind.
Namjoon always hugs well.
Everybody has their quirks when being given hugs.
Hoseok is to pull on your belt loops and to attack you with love. Yoongi doesn't like any gaps but really likes hands, jimin and taehyung have a habit of hugging to tight but its still endearing as taehyung is trying to warm you up while jimin is trying to make the You forget whatever you were upset about. Jungkook is very awkward, but that makes him gentle. Jin likes to play with your hair. Its cute.
Namjoon is like he's trying to suck all the sadness out of you, like he's trying to give a part of himself to you.
That's how it felt when took me out of the bathroom.
"come on then" was one of the many things namjoon whispered to me as he carried me out.
I felt embarrassed to be crying so stupidly and ashamed that he had to carry me out. He was acting normal as if he didn't have me crying on his own shoulders.
However, once he sat me down in an empty practice room and i was let down, he strangely turned off the lights while i sat, wiping my eyes and avoiding the mirror. It was a good idea though, so it means i don't have to look him in the eye.
"what's wrong" he whispered, taking a cross-legged seat next to me. I laughed, but then i felt my lungs give out, so all i did was cough
I frowned, feeling fresh tears ache at my eyes.
I placed my head in my hands and let a strangle of words escape my lips.
"its ok" he edged closer, his face only barely visible.
"you can take however long. I've got time"
But his kindness could be seen, even in the thickest of darkness.
"is...is it about the meeting? Were they mean?" he had seemed to have gotten it. So i nodded.
"bastards." he suddenly snapped.
I blinked, taken aback at his sudden cursing.
"dieting, was it?" he glared at the floor.
"who told you?" i looked him, eyebrows furrowed.
"I've noticed that the last few days they've been very focused on image, especially yours," he said, his voice barely a whisper.
"cake." was all he said agian before we both fell into silence. I felt my chest tightening as i held back more tears. I coughed, trying to rid them.
"that doesn't sound to well sung" joon have me a look.
It didn't feel good. It felt like i was scraping at my throat with forks
I tried to clear my throat, ignoring it.
"you know....i didn't take what they said seriously y'know" i whispered, trying to save my voice.
Namjoon smiled.
"oh i know you didn't" as if he knew exactly what i had done.
(a/n:
Haven't updated properly in a while
but at least I'm not failing english and psychology anymore.
Edit: took Alevel psychology and English and am very much failing both.