I take my sleeping bag outside, close to the heater. Caspian lies a few feet to my left and Finnick is behind me, hidden in the shadows. Peeta is on my right in his own sleeping bag. My shift is from eight to midnight, and I spend the first few hours with Peeta's head in my lap, drawing patterns on his arms and trying to coax him to sleep with murmurs of reassurance. In the last hour or so, it's clear he's wide awake, so he sits up next to me and shows me a piece of rope that Finnick slipped him earlier. We pass the rope back and forth; I teach him knots and braids and he does his best to focus and copy me. It leaves our fingers red, but we barely notice between the concentration it takes to knot the rope and our whispered conversation, trying to recall our time in the Capitol before the Games. When Katniss crawls out of her tent at midnight and takes her place next to the heater, it's clear no one is actually asleep. The whole squad seems to be holding its breath.
"You're going to be okay, Peeta," I whisper. "Pick a memory now, so you can come back to it if you need to. She isn't your enemy." He nods anxiously. I squeeze his arm and make my way back to Caspian's side. Until now, we've slept with a cautious two feet between us, but tonight I bring my sleeping bag so close that we're nose to nose.
"Okay?" he says silently.
"Let's see," I mouth back, and I turn around so that my back is against his chest and my eyes are on Peeta. For the next hour or so, I drift into and out of consciousness. It's Katniss's voice that wakes me fully.
"I always thought of you as... an ally," she's saying to Peeta. I glance behind me at Caspian to see if I've missed anything important. He just tilts his head towards Peeta as an indication to listen.
"Ally," Peeta says slowly. "Friend. Lover. Victor. Enemy. Fiancée. Target. Mutt. Neighbour. Hunter. Tribute. Ally. I'll add that to the list of words I use to try to figure you out. The problem is, I can't tell what's real anymore, and what's made up."
Finnick's voice comes before mine can. "Then you should ask, Peeta. That's what Annie does." I feel like his comment is directed at me too, that he's saying I should open up more as well.
"Ask who? Who can I trust?" Peeta asks.
To my surprise, Jackson answers, "Us for starters. We're your squad."
"You're my guards," says Peeta.
"That, too," she admits. "But you saved a lot of lives in Thirteen. It's not the kind of thing we forget."
"What you went through in the Capitol, Peeta..." It's Caspian's voice, coming from behind me. "No one should be allowed to resent you for suffering."
It's silent for a long time. Then Peeta looks at Katniss. "Your favourite colour... it's green?"
"That's right," says Katniss quietly. "And yours is orange. Not bright orange. But soft. Like the sunset. At least, that's what you told me once."
"Oh," Peeta breathes. "Thank you."
"You're a painter," Katniss continues, her voice less soft. "You're a baker. You like to sleep with the windows open. You never take sugar in your tea. And you always double-knot your shoelaces." She dives into her tent before anyone can react.
It suddenly hits me how close Katniss and Peeta really are, how well they know each other. That their intimacy isn't just forced by the Games and the lover act, but by genuine affection. At least, that's how it used to be. Now, Peeta buries his head in his hands and starts whispering to himself. I think of going to him, but Caspian hesitantly puts his arm on my waist, so instead I shuffle back and let myself rest. The last thing I see before sleep claims me is Peeta lifting his legs out of his sleeping bag to knot his shoelaces again.
By morning, it's clear that everyone knows I'm Peeta's official manager. As much as I hate the idea of him being "handled", the whole squad is so patient and eager to help that I let my guard down and teach everyone the premise of "Real or Not Real". Peeta takes to it keenly and I'm so impressed by how vulnerable he is willing to be that every once in a while, I interject with my own questions. It scares me when I realise how little I remember of District 4 and other specifics. But Caspian and Finnick give me space and answer questions like whether we turn left or right at the Justice Building to get home coming from the reaping beach - it's left - and what weapon Caspian favoured in his Games - the answer is a spear and a dark look - and what was my baby brother's name - no one really knows, but we figure he was never given one - and did Katniss tell me about her father teaching her archery or did I see that on television - she told me during training before the Games - and whether Malila was born before or after Talise died - a few months before. It also gives me hope. I can both reconstruct my past and look to my future, with my friends and family by my side.
The next day, we are finally called to do something interesting, although I'm sure it will in no way advance the war efforts or drive us deeper into the Capitol. Still, we suit up in heavy protective gear and we're all given guns, even Peeta gets one full of blanks. I bring out my knives, fiddling with them for a half hour, quickly figuring out the special features that Beetee installed. The belt comfortably holds three knives on each of my hips, and each knife has three colourful buttons on its hilt: red for fire, yellow for explosive, and white for a cable to unleash so I can pull the knife back without moving to retrieve it. Caspian's spear and Finnick's trident have similar features.
When we join the group again, Peeta is talking to one of the cameramen, Pollux. "There were two Avoxes with me in prison," he's saying.
"Peeta," I warn quietly.
Peeta looks at me. "That's real, right? Darius and Lavinia, but the guards mostly called them the redheads. They'd been our servants in the Training Center, so they arrested them too. I watched them being tortured to death. She was lucky. They used too much voltage and her heart stopped right off. It took days to finish him off. Beating, cutting off parts. They kept asking him questions, but he couldn't speak, he just made these horrible animal sounds. They didn't want information, you know? They wanted me to see it."
I spin around and hide my face in my hands. The electrocution. One current too strong and the same could've happened to Annie right in front of me. She wasn't as expendable as the Avoxes, but more so than Peeta or myself. Finnick puts his hand on my shoulder and it just makes me feel worse.
"Real or not real?" I hear Peeta ask, and I press my fingers into my skull. "Real or not real?" he demands.
There's a flash in my mind. Peeta and I in our cells, my right side pressed against his left through the bars. Johanna on my other side, moaning in pain. Peeta telling me about the death he had witnessed that day. The anger, the fear, the disgust is too much. I take a deep breath and turn back around. "Real," I spit out. "It's real."
"I thought so," Peeta says, his shoulders slumping. "There was nothing shiny about it." Despite the horror of the memory, the remark lifts something in me. Peeta is starting to manage, like I am. Picking apart the memories.
As we walk through the streets, I make my own mental piles, sorting the memories that are violent and fake with the softer, real ones. I whisper them under my breath, but no one points it out or makes me stop. When we reach the target, everyone volunteers to trigger the pod, except Peeta and me. We stand to the side while the cameras and makeup and guns are prepared. Then we slowly follow the group down the street. I'm instructed to shoot at a section of windows, and although I still don't love the gun, I'm pleased at my accuracy. Gale hits the pod and we take cover as bullets stream over our heads. My hands are trembling now, just slightly, as Cressida makes us reenact our reactions for close-up shots. I've never done anything of the sort, but I know how to lie with my words as well as my face, so I get mine over quickly. But then they have Caspian and I do a whole bit together where he throws himself on top of me, which makes me uncomfortable in multiple ways, so I'm relieved when Finnick and Katniss start mimicking us with overdramatic expressions and the attention is pulled away from us. It appears that the "face unit" of the rebellion is actually terrible on camera though, and Katniss, Mitchell and Caspian are the worst - she is a terrible liar, Mitchell can't act and Caspian finds it impossible to hide his emotions - so after minutes of them flailing around with mouths open, the whole squad is rolling on the ground, tears of laughter shining in our eyes.
"Pull it together, Four-Five-One," Boggs orders us, but he doesn't do a good job at hiding his smile. We turn to tease him just as he takes a step forward. His last step. And then the bomb goes off.
I scream, and the rest of the squad does too. There's another explosion, and instinctively my eyes seek out Finnick and Caspian. Caspian appears in front of me, I grab his arm and we run to Boggs. We stand between Finnick and Katniss, who are both kneeling on the ground, Katniss by Boggs's side and Finnick trying to revive Messalla.
There's another agonisingly loud sound when the street we came from explodes. A black, oily substance - like the tar we sometimes find in the sea in District 4 - shoots out of the ground. It creates a wall between the buildings, cutting us off from our first exit. I shout to get the others' attention, and Gale and Leeg 1 turn their guns onto the stones at the other end of the block, shooting the ground to disable any pods. Caspian leans down next to Finnick and they each haul one of Messalla's arms over their shoulders. Together, we start running down the street. A shriek comes from behind us, and I spin around. Peeta is standing over Katniss, his gun raised above his head. I scream as the gun slams to the ground, but Katniss rolls out of the way. I run towards them and seize Peeta's arm.
"Peeta!" I scream. "Stop! Come back!"
His wild eyes latch onto mine. "You told me, remember? You told me they hurt you and Annie and Malila."
"No," I whisper, but I can feel my mind slipping. "No!" I say again, more forcefully, but Peeta doesn't hear me. The next thing I know, Mitchell has tackled Peeta to the ground. I am rooted to the ground, conscious and more or less sane, but paralysed. I just watch as Mitchell is launched off Peeta and caught in a pod's barbed net. Instantly, he is bloody and screaming. This breaks me from my trance. I take a step towards him, but a hand grabs my arm and pulls me back: Caspian is dragging me away. We run into an apartment, Castor and Pollux carrying a struggling Peeta between them. Jackson manages to force handcuffs on him and they lock him in a closet.
The others reconvene in the kitchen, but I escape to the bathroom. My head feels full and heavy, weighing on my shoulders and consciousness. The thoughts and memories stab at my mind as I grip the white sink, desperately trying to hang on to reality. Then, of the hundreds of products that fill the bathroom, something on the shelf catches my eye. A hairbrush. I take it carefully in my hands, and then clutch it tightly, using it like an anchor while I let my mind reach for a memory. It feels like my brain is travelling through tunnels, dark ones at first, where I can barely see anything and I advance at a snail's pace, but then they become brighter and more colourful, and I zip through them at top speed. My mind halts abruptly. There. Coventina using a brush much like this one, gently combing my hair, reassuring me with her careful strokes. I breathe the memory in, counting to ten. Then, I set the brush down and go to Peeta's closet. He's stopped pounding against the walls, but I can hear his heavy breathing, so I sit down on the other side of the door and speak softly to him, trying to list all of the good things I can think of that won't trigger more bad memories or tracker jacker venom.
Finally, Finnick comes to find me. With an unusually gentle look, he takes my hand and lifts me to my feet, then unlocks the closet. Peeta is lying on the plush carpet floor, unconscious. While I help adjust Peeta's gas mask over his face, Finnick tells me about how Katniss has revealed that their secret mission is to assassinate Snow. As we put on our own masks, I meet his eyes and we share a small, amused grin. Neither of us believe her. There's no chance to discuss it though, because the others call for us, and we follow them out the apartment and down the blackened streets. The black wave has triggered most of the pods, but I'm still very aware that every step I take could be my last. I keep my eyes focused on Katniss in front of me and my mind on the memory with Auntie Tina. After half a dozen blocks, Katniss instructs us into an apartment. We all remove our masks and slump onto the couches - I make to sit next to Peeta but Jackson pointedly takes the seat first, so I wedge myself between Finnick and Leeg 1.
Then a sound of explosions rings out, distant enough to not be dangerous, but close enough to shake the building. A second later, the television suddenly turns bright. "It's an emergency broadcast," Cressida explains. The Capitol cameras replay the bomb explosion, the black wave, Peeta's outburst, Mitchell in the barbed cables, my paralysis. Then it shows Peacekeepers on the block we just escaped, blowing up the row of apartments. Finally, a reporter pronounces our entire unit as dead, identifying Cressida, Finnick, Caspian, Katniss, Gale, Peeta, Boggs, and me by name.
"Finally, a bit of luck," Homes says, but I glance at Finnick and Caspian, and they mirror the worry I feel. Annie. Coventina. Malila. Johanna. I think of the promises I made them, and how they will believe I have broken every one. I grip Finnick's arm. Annie is already unstable - how can she survive this? Auntie Tina and Malila - how can we let them believe they're alone?
"So, now that we're dead, what's our next move?" asks Gale.
"Isn't it obvious?" Peeta's voice comes, and we all look at him. "Our next move... is to kill me."
A/N: I started university this week! Good luck to any of you that are also beginning new lives in 2022. :)