The wedding is magical, to say the least.
Malila and I stand next to Annie, Caspian and Coventina on Finnick's side. It feels unreal to watch them get married. But there thy are, standing under the autumn foliage decoration, with the singing of a chorus of children from Thirteen in the background, Malila whispering the words she learned with them under her breath. Since it is traditional to have someone from outside the family lead the ceremony, a man from District 10 named Dalton conducts it. Auntie Tina has drilled him every day for the past week to ensure he knows exactly what to do and it has clearly paid off. Dalton instructs us to pull the net that Finnick and I wove over the couple, and we hold it while they recite their vows and touch each other's lips with salt water. This brings me to tears - Malila pokes me in the ribs and Caspian wipes his own eyes - but it's during the ancient District 4 wedding song that it seems to hit Auntie Tina. She is supposed to lead the singing, but she can barely say the words through her sobs. I wonder when the last time Coventina sang this was. At her own wedding?
Fortunately, Annie and Finnick are too busy to cry, beaming at each other as they chant the words. They kiss and the entire audience cheers, then we toast to them and music starts to play. District 12 leads the dancing, and the newly wed couple joins them eagerly. A few songs later, Prim detaches herself from Katniss, and she and Rory pull Malila into the line. I watch them laugh as they try to teach her the steps. I see Nurse Everdeen doing the same for Auntie Tina, but the whole thing is disastrous since Malila and I have both inherited two left feet from Coventina. The others are as graceful on land as they are in the water, though. Annie and Finnick demonstrate this when they are cheered into a special number for just them, and I smile as Caspian dances with perfect agility in the circle that has formed. He catches my eye, but it's Malila - Katniss and Prim in tow - who convinces me to join when everyone breaks into smaller circles. We laugh as Lila and I trip over our feet until we finally find some sort of rhythm. Annie joins our little group and we grip our hands tight, the five of us spinning and giggling like the world is gentle and fun and easy. For a moment it is.
There's a lull moment, when everyone needs to take a breath but doesn't want the dancing to end, so we separate into pairs. Caspian appears in front of me. My grin is fresh on my lips and my face is flushed with excitement, but still I feel a thrill when he cautiously offers me his hand. I'm still adapting - I haven't been able to properly kiss him since the wedding preparations started - but when I slide my hand into his, all I feel is calm. It helps that the music and cheers have quieted, and when I hide my face in his shoulder, I can pretend we are alone. His lips rest against my forehead and together we sway.
Then the cakes comes out, and everything in me tenses again. It's beautiful, and I know exactly where it came from. Peeta told me that he had started painting again, but he had never even hinted at this. This is more than regaining control of his mind and body, this is art. Coventina looks just as surprised, so my eyes find Haymitch in the crowd. He nods at me once, the hint of a smile on his face, and then he and Katniss leave the room.
"Peeta?" Caspian's voice says from beside me. I nod speechlessly, eyes fixed on the cake. "He's recovering." He hands me a slice of cake that he's already cut into smaller pieces. I smile distractedly.
"I should be doing something too," I say, moving the pieces around with my fork.
"You don't have to," Caspian says.
But suddenly, I'm determined. "No, I want to do something. I joined the cause for a reason." I spin to face him. "What have you been doing since you arrived?"
"I - uh... At first I was a bit of a mess," he says uneasily, tugging his ear nervously. Immediately I regret asking him so bluntly. "I didn't quite lose it like Finn did but... it wasn't good." He pauses and I want to say something, but he pushes on. "But they needed me, so I pulled myself together."
"Needed you?" I echo, and a thought begins to form in my mind.
"I was able to give them information about the Capitol's structure and buildings and so on. The Capitol citizens helped, but they were never sneaked around like I was. I helped them map the city. And I've been figuring out how we'll attack the Capitol when it comes to that. Initially it was so that I could convince them to rescue you, but Katniss had a meltdown and that decided them. I guided the rescue team from here."
"They trust you," I say. "Cas... how long have you known about the rebellion? And Thirteen?"
Caspian looks even more uncomfortable. "Haymitch has been in on it since the Quarter Quell announcement. He got the message to me not long after that. They knew I'd be open to it. But I wanted to get an idea of how it was going to play out before I committed. I had to take care of my family first. When you and Finnick got reaped... I knew Haymitch must be planning something for the Quarter Quell. So I told him I was in, as long as you, Finnick, Annie, Malila and Ma were safe."
Months. He has known about this for months. I can't remember him ever keeping a secret from me for this long. "'You'll both come back. No matter what,'" I say once my tongue starts working again. The words he said to me the night of the Quarter Quell reaping. He nods. I let out a little laugh. "You're insane. A revolution to keep a promise?"
He smiles. "Anything to keep you alive."
It turns out that Caspian can't keep me safe forever, though, and I don't need to look for something to do, because Johanna finds me in the armoury just a few days later. She stands with Caspian and Finnick and they watch me throw a few knives, most of which miss the target. It's because my hands won't stop shaking.
"Katniss and I have started training. We might be able to go to the Capitol and fight," Johanna says as my knife finally sinks into the dummy's soft belly. "Would you like to join us?" It's unlike Johanna to ask something so politely, and my face must show my surprise because she rolls her eyes and adds, "Never mind, I'm not giving you a choice. I could use my cell buddy to complain with."
"I don't know that I'll be able to go to the Capitol," I warn her, but she shrugs.
"You don't have to, but at least you'll be trained and busy. And you'll provide some entertainment for me," she says.
I know Caspian is looking at me with worry, but I'm already smiling. I'm also terrified, but I felt that way when I first agreed to protect Katniss and Peeta in the Games. Doing anything is better than nothing.
"You can do something else, it doesn't have to be this," Caspian tells me while Johanna pretends to talk to Finnick.
"You're doing it, aren't you?" is my response. I'm right - he and Finnick have been training. He doesn't push me further.
I don't want to face Coin again so I just show up to training with Johanna and Katniss the next morning. Soldier York questions my presence, but it only takes a few minutes for me to convince her to let me stay. An hour later, I regret being so persuasive and I'm seriously considering telling Katniss and Johanna that I am dropping out. It would be forgivable, given my position and condition. But I don't.
The stretching reminds me of my limbs being pulled aggressively by the Capitol guards. The strengthening exercises make me feel like I'm just a conscience wandering around in a muscle-less body. The five-mile run is the only thing I somewhat manage. My lungs are still good and although I'm much slower than I used to be, it doesn't kill me. Despite the water torture, the rain that day makes me feel better, like a greeting from the sea. The same can't be said for Johanna, who looks like she'll either explode or crumple. I don't say anything, but I wait for her to step out into the rain, teeth clenched, before I take off.
In the afternoon, we learn to assemble guns. I hate even looking at them. All I can see is the gun in Barrere's hand. Pointed at my head. Digging into my spine. I vomit my lunch in a nearby garbage bin and my hands shake too much to fit the pieces together, even more than Johanna's. Katniss helps us both when Soldier York has her back turned and then amazes us all with her aim. I'm a terrible shot though, even worse than I have been with the knives.
When it is finally over, I leave Katniss and Johanna and go to the armoury with Caspian. Beetee gives me a gun and a set of knives and I spend another hour getting advice from Caspian for shooting. He's been training in an accelerated group for a while now, so he knows how to shoot. He compares the aiming to how I point my knives, and by the time I crawl into the shower, I've managed to hit the dummy. I don't wait to say goodnight to anyone, I don't ask for the door to be kept open, and I don't watch the dark hallway. I don't have time to think about any of these things, even Caspian kissing me goodnight on the cheek, because the second my head hits the pillow, I'm asleep.
It's Johanna who drags me out of bed the next morning, despite Coventina's protests. I am completely wrecked, but I follow her. The next morning, I meet them at their compartment. We struggle through every day together. The only thing that keeps me alive in those first few days is the laughter and companionship I share with them. By the end of the week, I still can't assemble my rifle, but I can shoot the dummy in the chest with a gun and my knives are landing in its forehead at least half the time. And Johanna is letting me wipe her hands and face with a damp towel every evening.
Malila appears at the door of the training centre to walk to the dining hall with me. I make a joke of leaning all my weight on her and introduce her to Katniss and Johanna. The four of us join a table where Finnick, Annie and Caspian are already seated with some District 12 people. Malila sits next to Caspian, and I take a seat opposite them next to Johanna, my legs touching Caspian's under the table. He slides a plate of food over to me and it looks so delicious, piled with beef, potatoes, turnips and onions, that for the first time in months I'm excited to eat. Finnick does most of the entertaining, one hand gripping Annie's and the other alternating between gesticulating and shovelling food in his mouth. Annie still slips in and out of our world, but I realise I do too. Every once in a while, I'm blinded by pain. Sometimes it's clear and visual, other times it just obscures my vision and mind for a moment. But training my brain is working. I manage to latch on to certain memories, use them like a shield against the other ones.
Then Peeta appears beside me. My gaze flickers between him and Johanna: seeing the two of them together throws me back into my Capitol cell. I know it's not real. I know it's not real. I keel over, pressing my head against the table and my hands to my ears. My mind slips, flashes of the hijacking videos, of Barrere, of Peeta and Johanna in cells on either side of me. Caspian and Finnick's voices call for me, but that makes it worse. Then Peeta's heavy hand clasps my shoulder and pulls me back to reality, and Annie's slim one finds my fingers and anchors me to the present. I take a few long breaths and sit up. I meet Annie's gaze first. She has detached herself from Finnick to crouch by my side. I squeeze her hand and she smiles. I had never imagined that we would understand each other in this way. She makes her way back around the table while I reassure Caspian and Finnick with a nod and shoot Malila a smile that is much too bright.
Peeta's hand slides off my back when Johanna scoots over and pats the seat between us. "We're very familiar with each other's screams," she is saying. I flinch and Annie covers her ears painfully. Johanna has the decency to shoot me an half-apologetic look, but to the others she says, "I'm not supposed to censor my thoughts. It's part of my therapy."
Peeta fits snugly between Johanna and me. He looks at me and whispers, "I'm sorry. Are you okay?"
I smile tensely. Everyone is pretending not to watch us but they are. "It's not your fault, Peet."
"Annie," a girl from District 12 says brightly, once Finnick has managed to coax Annie out of her hands, "did you know it was Peeta who decorated your wedding cake? Back home, his family ran the bakery and he did all the icing."
Annie looks at us cautiously. I nod at her encouragingly. "Thank you, Peeta," she says. "It was beautiful."
"My pleasure, Annie," he replies.
Finnick and Annie stand up, and Finnick says, "Good seeing you, Peeta."
"You be nice to her, Finnick. Or I might try and take her away from you," Peeta says, and I jerk away at the coldness of his tone. I have never heard it before.
"Peeta!" I say harshly. He glances at me and softens.
"Don't make me sorry I restarted your heart," Finnick says lightly, but he shoots Katniss a worried glance and then gives me a look. I take a shaky breath and follow him and Annie to the dining hall entrance.
"Sapph, are you sure it's a good idea for you to be around him?" Finnick says quietly. Annie looks ashamed, but it's clear she's having the same thought.
"He's never acted that way with me," I assure them. "I'm the only one who was there with him and hijacked. He's more himself around me."
"And you?" Annie asks. "How do you feel around him?"
"I'm okay," I promise. "I am."
Reluctantly, they nod. I give them a smile, but I still feel them watching me as I walk back to the table. I sit down next to Peeta again just as Johanna says, "They've replaced you with the evil-mutt version of yourself."
"Johanna!" I say, louder than I should. She shrugs. Katniss gets up with her friend Gale, and they leave without a second look at any of us. Right now, I understand Peeta's rage, because anger is rolling like waves in my chest.
The District 12 girl that spoke earlier - Delly, I think - explodes. "How could you treat Katniss like that, Peeta?" she says, her voice so full of emotion it comes out very shrill. "She has done so much for you, she was willing to die for you just a few months ago! She made Thirteen promise you immunity and she never stopped asking for you to be rescued! It's not fair of you to do that, it's the Capitol speaking, not you!"
The whole dining hall is watching us now. I want to explode right back, because suddenly it feels like every offence against Peeta is one against me too, but all the eyes make me shrink into myself. "You have no idea what he's been through," I say quietly. "All of it for you, for all of you to get here safely and stay safe in this place. I know it's not okay for him to behave this way, but you have no right to judge us."
There's no time for anyone to answer, because Peeta suddenly starts arguing with himself. "Katniss is a mutt, Katniss is evil, Katniss killed my family. Don't forget, Peeta." "No, Peeta, the Capitol is evil. The Capitol is making you say these things." His shackled hands come to grip his head. "Katniss destroyed District 12." "The Capitol is controlling you, you're a mutt, Peeta, you're a mutt!"
I watch him, powerless and frozen, as he slams his palms against his forehead. Caspian's arm slips around my waist, pulling me out of my seat. "No," I whisper. "That's not Peeta." Caspian is holding me with one arm and clutching Malila's hand with the other, and he drags us away, out of the dining hall. But I still see the guards descend on Peeta. I still see them pull him up. I still see them taking him away.
I scream. Not again. Not again. Peeta taken away by guards. Peeta shrieking. Not again. But this isn't the Peeta they took away in the Capitol. This is a Peeta I have never seen.
A/N: This is the tenth last chapter! If you're enjoying this story, please make sure to click the star. And if you want to share your thoughts, go ahead and comment. :)