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𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐎𝐁 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐁𝐋𝐔𝐄 𝐄𝐘𝐄𝐒┊°
ೃ࿐💧·˚ ༘ ┊꒰🍥; 040. // i'll be here in the morning ~ pt. 2꒱ ˊˎ
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. . ⇢ [Qᴜɪᴄᴋ ʀᴇᴄᴀᴘ:
"It wasn't normal for Naruto to act that way. You understood, given the present situation, a contrasted disposition was a given. But you'd just never seen him like that. So distant. So unwilling to start conversation... or was he?
You stopped that question.
It's frivolous to dissect the details of his reaction. It would do you no good. Instead, you stayed in that apartment the rest of the afternoon, witnessing the despondent sides of you and Naruto unfold.
And for the third and last time, words forgot who you were."] ˎˊ˗
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NIGHTTIME CHILLS trickled off him. Naruto, returning from his leave, shut the grunting door of the apartment.
He didn't know how long he'd been out. Ten hours. Ten minutes. Ten seconds. It all was the same.
In that time, however, he'd visited the local 24-hour corner store he'd known since childhood. It was there he occupied its outside bench, his legs not striving for inspiration to walk and defective.
That bell of their opening door chiming in the wind spoke of familiar days. Fond recollections of saving money to buy their biggest deal on packaged ramen met him when looking at its fluorescent flickering sign.
Blink. Blink. Blink, it reassured.
He'd marched in through those ringing doors and come back out a new man, gallons of ramen in his backpack and tasty delights weighing his shoulders.
Those were the memories. He needed them now. Desperately so. For whom was he without them? They'd brought him here, carrying and directing to this day.
Today.
Today...
Yesterday morning. The Hokage office. A toad with a message burning its back.
Naruto slumped against the front door.
That. It's only memory he didn't want. He wouldn't have it. He couldn't.
Tanned fingers rubbed the leftover syrup of a melted popsicle between them, Naruto appreciating the diversion their stickiness gave.
Two clear-wrapped blue raspberry popsicles. Snapping sticks made for sweltering, sunny afternoons. Tints of candy blue staining wood.
The hum of a moth-dancing streetlamp doused his head.
And there he was, back on that bench.
No matter how hard he tried, he had no other choice. That one memory scorched all the others. The more he ran, the worse it reminded him. Receipts of a bag-full ramen purchase decaying—a popsicle in his hand, the center of gravity.
That damned morning. A room stuffy of people and mourning. The last words of his mentor seared on the old frog.
"Jiraiya-boy has died in battle."
He was slipping, yet still. Unbearably still. Waiting and not waiting at all. For what, he wasn't sure.
A vicious loop of yearning to not feel and sleep. Begging to stay alive. Survive the next day. Exhausted and hungry. Awake and bearing no appetite. This battle canceled itself out multiple times while questioning its own reality.
Did it really exist at all?
Was this real?
Naruto's feet took him away from the door.
A habit. Thinking, then moving from the spot he'd thought in, a subconscious attempt to escape—a cultivated tendency to leave behind any grief upon the place he'd amassed it in.
A dying attempt.
This time, they carried him to the living room.
The blond Genin stopped at the glimpsing eyes of another.
You.
He took a breath, his only sense of comfort available in you alone.
You were his home, and he needed you.
A motioning hand broke him from his spell.
"Here," you said, patting the spot on the couch beside you. "Come and sit."
He listened without further word; the cushions supporting his severed bones. Auburn shoulders returned to their hunch gained this morning and sagged lower, like they bore more after going out.
More grief.
It was troubling, but you wouldn't let it deter you. This was part of what you'd both have to go through. You'd accepted that, however unwillingly.
"I'll be right back."
He nodded once. Anything else, exhausting.
You stood and entered the kitchen, sparing him parted silence.
That gaze was parched. Dry of life. Anyone could see it. It beseeched for many things, not sure if it could keep up with its very own demands.
They exhausted him.
So, those eyes receded, locking pleads away so they wouldn't have to do more than necessary.
But that wasn't the truth.
That gaze lied itself lifeless. It hadn't dealt with a blow like this before. It was scared.
But you were here now. And you'd be here until it turned over the many shades of emotion it hid. Morning would come, and here you'd still be here without limit.
There was no rush. No time frames. Only time. Again, time. Waiting for him. Patient with him and what he's going through.
What you're both going through.
He needed to understand. He needed to open himself up and talk, no matter how wrenching facing this pain may be.
He was suffocating. Naruto was suffocating. At this rate, it'd kill him. He'd bury himself in an early grave.
You'd make him get out what you saw behind those receding eyes. All the hurt, the pain, no matter what it took.
You swore it.
He'd need water for this.
Pace not too fast, you returned to the living room. You paused before your seat.
Naruto stared with a glossed-over look. Not sure at what. Just staring. Off and out of the room. Not there. Not here. Not anywhere.
You called his name, but it's as if nothing came out. He wasn't there. It's where he was that frightened you. Someplace you'd never seen.
Really not there. Really not here. Really not anywhere.
G o n e.
"Naruto!"
Glossiness left.
Naruto snapped up, the light of awareness reclaiming him.
"Oh... sorry." He took the glass you offered. Ripples in water contrasted against his pant legs, hazy eyes watching them.
You sat. Your hands dreaded to start this conversation. They curled, retreating to your lap.
Nothing dwelt. The room between you echoed in white space. Silence awfully encored for more, and every time, got its wish.
You had him here, and here was where this needed to begin as well as end.
Just how?
There was no way you knew of, so you just went for it. Ripping it off like a bandaid, you started at the root.
"I, uhm... heard about Jiraiya."
It got out.
He said nothing. Instead, hesitated before looking away.
You went on. "When you were gone, I... I thought so long about what to say, and I realized that... there's nothing. It all fell short every time I went to open my mouth. I'm sorry for that."
You swallowed the aftertaste of your words. Its truth had a bitter tang, one you had no choice in coming to accept, for it was honest.
There was nothing you could say, and that was the truth.
Your time alone had helped you better understand what needed to be done, not what you so desperately wished. Life didn't work like that. It never did.
Nothing did.
Another quiet dawdled. Sitting with nothing but the ignition that had been given, Naruto spoke.
"I wanted him to keep watching over me. I wished for him to see me become the Hokage. It was what I always wanted. I imagined what it would be like... how he'd swing his arm around my shoulders and congratulate me. I thought he would always be there, Y/n-chan. I never thought he would..."
He halted, the rest fading.
You rested a hand upon his knee. Genuine intentions seeped through the cracks of your palm, through threaded joggers, and into him.
They were unsaid, but that's what made them so powerful. You were there, and that's all he needed.
With encouragement to keep going, he continued.
"And yet... whenever I was with him, I only ended up showing him my worst, most un-cool side. What did I ever show him that was worthy of praise? What did I ever do? I was so..."
"Whenever I saw you two together, his eyes were full of nothing but praise, Naruto. Please trust me when I say he was beyond proud of you. He had faith in you every second he spent as your teacher, and he still does."
You cut in gently, using the same tenderness as in your fingertips against him. A type of gentle, afraid he might shatter.
Naruto's eyes slowly raised. "You don't understand, I... I always gave Pervy-sage a hard time. I never got to tell him how much he meant to me." He looked away. "All the things I wanted to... I had so much more I wanted to..."
You gave his knee a squeeze. "He always knew how much he meant to you, Naruto. He always knew because you meant just as much to him. You were like his grandson. Whenever you said you wanted to become Hokage, he truly believed in you. Jiraiya always knew how you felt, so please... don't beat yourself up for—"
"How can you be so sure? I mean... there was so much he taught me, and yet it never hit me until now. How do you know he understood how much I...?"
"Because he had faith in you."
Wash-out eyelids flinched the slightest bit, lips void of response.
With an answer he wasn't sure he understood, the glass in his palm prevailed to get his attention. His thumb traced along its droplet-clouded rim, offset posture disallowing the directness of conversation.
He was at it again.
Hiding—not letting you see. Choking everything he's feeling down and labeling it uncomfortable.
Naruto was avoiding his own grief, and you've had enough of it.
"Naruto."
His thumb on the rim halted.
"Can I ask you something?"
No reply came, a reply in it of itself.
"What are you going to do?"
The Uzumaki absorbed your question fair and long, trying to see your purpose in asking it. He found none.
He shook his head. "I... don't know what you want me to say. I'm... For once... I'm not so sure."
"Then what would Jiraiya want you to do?"
His every fragment stopped.
He had to be imagining this. Did you really ask him that—dare go such lengths to force him to think? To think more than his battling conscience already was.
He didn't want this. He didn't want to feel this. He didn't need this.
These emotions you were stirring. He wanted them to stop. Let it go. Forget.
Stop stop stop and forget forget forget before it's too late.
Acutely raising his head, Naruto stared into your intent gaze, brow in a furrowed confusion.
You didn't relent. Not even a little.
Unapologetic and direct, you challenged him to dare crawl back under that bridge and ignore.
He wouldn't hide again. He needed to get this out. You'd make it so.
It was life or death.
"Y/n-chan, what're...?" A splash of irritation crossed him. "You're asking me all these things, yet I don't know what you want me to say. How could I know?"
"After everything he taught you, you mean to tell me you don't know what he would want?"
It was done. You'd pulled the trigger.
Naruto stood intensely, setting the glass on the coffee table. "Yeah! That's exactly what I mean to tell you! How could I tell you any different?!"
You leaned forward. "Because you were his student, and he always wanted the best for you! You know that! So, what is it you're hiding? This is not the Naruto I know!"
"What?! You want me to say it?! You want me to refine it in a finer form for you?! Fine! I don't know what the hell to do with myself, okay?! For once... I've lost a piece of who I am, and I don't know how to get it back! There, you happy?!"
You angrily rose, confronting his ironed tone.
"No, I'm not because what have you lost that was once a part of you?! You're the same person as you were yesterday, today, and the day before that! The same person Jiraiya praised up and down again and again! The same person he held so, so much pride for watching you every day grow into the man that would someday achieve his dreams!"
Naruto looked away at the shout of his mentor's name, but you didn't relent. He needed to hear this.
"And if you think for one second that he'd say for you to give up and forget yourself, well, I don't believe it! Every second I've known you, you've never given up, so why now?!"
His intensity rekindled.
Naruto jerked his hands, spreading them around himself as if a shinobi proclaiming "Here I am" in war.
"I'm afraid, alright! For the first time, I'm afraid to move forward! Pervy-sage died, and I'm left with the responsibility of trying to carry all he taught me! A-And you expect me to answer that question as if it's that easy, like it's that simple?! What do you want me to do Y/n-chan?!"
You gathered yourself, speaking the mess once tangled in your throat. The words you longed to say the moment you saw him hunched in that kitchen.
"I want you to let it out."
Oxygen thickened.
Breath forgot how to breathe. Minds forgot how to think. Time forgot how to pass.
A fractured wall collapsed.
The floodgates of trapped emotions guttered so fast through his eyes you were afraid they'd evaporate. Your voice—the only lifeline heard in a world of deafening silence.
"Stop holding back what you're feeling and allow it to get out, damn it," you said, tying the knot. "All of it. The anger, the fear, the sadness. Let it go."
Naruto trembled.
Trembling, trembling, trembling.
His chin quivered. His hands shook. Unsure if they wanted to clench or weightlessly grieve.
His ears rang. His stomach turned. His neck sweat. Cold skin—clammy, stone, ice, empty.
E m p t y.
You watched as he undid.
Inch by inch. Second by second.
Little noises escaping his throat. Eyes welling up. Whole body trembling now. Shaking. Shivers daring to take gaunt knees out. Daring to sweep him away. Daring to take the last shred of strength he had. Daring to break him completely. Daring his soul to prolong a moment further.
Daring.
Breath.
He could barely breathe. His chest contracted in on itself like an insecure quicksand.
In and out.
Fast.
In and out.
Faster.
In and out.
Even faster.
He was hyperventilating.
H y p e r v e n t i l a t i n g.
He strained to breathe.
Control. Please, control.
Breathe. BREATHE.
Breathe with control. Control it.
Control it.
B R E A T H E.
He couldn't breathe.
He couldn't use his lungs. They'd lost it. He'd lost it. They weren't his anymore. Actioned off and raising in price with each gust of air.
L o s t.
Naruto's gasps became ache. His nails tore at his chest, then his face, and his hair. Not sure where he felt the most pain, just knowing everything hurt.
Everything hurts. Everything hurts. Everything hurts.
It hurts.
Life hurts.
He dropped.
You were there to catch him like you'd promised you'd be. But no matter how much you went over what you'd do, how you'd save him from the harsh floor; you still weren't ready.
You'd never be ready for this.
Naruto's knees buckled. You rushed and embraced him as he went to fall, not letting go for a second.
"Oh, Naruto...," you spoke.
You sunk to the floor.
His head lay in your lap, sobbing. Sobbing as you held him.
Holding him tight.
So tightly, he could disappear in you. So tightly, he'd remain whole and not bits of himself strewn over a rug. So tightly, he wasn't afraid to cry, to scream, to curse... to let it out.
He cried and cried and cried. And you cried with him.
Crying, crying, crying.
Crying, wailing, sobbing, shouting, then crying some more.
You let him do whatever to you. It didn't matter what. As long as he did it.
If he squeezed you, that's okay. If he numbed your legs, that's okay. If he tore your shirt, that's okay. If he shouted at you, that's okay.
If he hated you for bringing him to this point, that's okay.
You squeezed arms around him, whispering affirmations and wishing they were so much more than they were. You let them flow. Not knowing what was coming next, just knowing words were coming.
"I'm here. I've got you. I'm so sorry, Naruto. I'm so, so sorry..."
For hours, you stayed, holding him as he cried.
Sobbing. Wailing. Crying.
His hunched body shook with each crashing howl against you, breath sporadic and intense as if an irate tornado.
Life's an irate tornado.
Crying. Wailing. Sobbing.
Naruto gripped your shirt. Something. Anything to know you were still there. That you were real. That he's not alone. That he's not a figment of his imagination. That he can still come back, no matter how much he lets out. No matter how far he goes.
You can heal him.
Wailing. Sobbing. Crying.
At some moments, he yelled out while fisting for dear life on that one corner of your shirt. You didn't doubt he'd wash away if he let you go. Become another relic at sea. A crashed ship smothered by lashing waves. He shook so badly, for he knew it too.
But all you could do is hold him and hold him tightly, your own weeping hiccups filling the room.
They cried hard... and grieved with him.
|🍥|
Twenty-three minutes later marked the first sign of movement.
Naruto lifted out of your lap. Mangled elbows quivering as if thin reeds made you question his ability to sit on his own.
Your hand went to reach out but stopped mid-way.
"Part of being there for Naruto is going to be letting him do what he needs to on his own..."
Yes. If he needed it, you'd be here to help. You'd always be.
Naruto was trying, and that's what count.
He conquered the upright climb and sat back on his feet. Raising a sleeve, he wiped away leftover tears, sniffles coming in pieces due to previously weeping lungs.
His arm lowered... and he looked at you.
Not moving. Not talking. Just looking.
The type of look that people often share after being told they're to lose their house by the end of the week but are desperate to survive together. A hair more tired than that though. More peaceful.
More assured.
You stared at each other, finding comfort in the dim connection before hugging. Just sitting and hugging with no limit.
It wasn't much, but that's what made it everything.
You broke away. Your hand raised to cup his cheek, his skin clammy.
"You okay?"
Naruto leaned into your palm and nodded. "Mm."
You urged a smile. "Come on. Let's go clean up. I'll help you."
Another nod.
An arm wrapping around his shoulders helped lead him to the bathroom.
In the time spent in the living room, the outside world had grown to its darkest, hiding walls more than beforehand. You switched on an astray lamp along the way, light dispersing where shadows had taken root akin to moss. The rest would have to wait.
A few steps more and you were there.
You flicked on the light to the bathroom, Naruto following you in. Its steady hum broke a stillness of the apartment you hadn't recognized.
Funny how certain aspects of life become invisible when losing something or someone. You don't intend for them to, but they do. You get put under hypnosis. The 'forgetting effect' you called it. A giant Genjutsu you can't break out of until grieving decides it's ready. Sort of unfair when you think about it, yet understandable. The mind can only handle so much, when under turmoil, forgets as a coping mechanism.
True or suspicion, you didn't know. But it happened.
You let the thought go. You didn't want to spiral too far. It was just a tiny bathroom light, after all.
Once inside, the mirror above the sink greeted you with revelations of the past hour.
And heavens were they brutal.
"Oh my...," you muttered. "Are these puffy eyes even real right now?"
Naruto stood beside you, leaning to get a better view. A hand neared his face. "It looks like I got lemon juice in my eye, Y/n-chan. Just look at how red they are..."
"I know. It really does."
You shared a smile, peeking at one another's reflection.
It's as if you'd both gone on an all-night bender. Like you'd purposely done one of those foolish, trendy challenges, like pouring honey in your eyes to change an eye color, or a ludicrous idea relative to that. Even lemon shampoo getting in them wouldn't make them this destroyed. This changed the very definition of bloodshot.
"Alright," you said, sitting him on the toilet. "You just sit right here while I get a cloth. Just one sec."
A cabinet beside the sink is where you searched for one the right size. All but the soothing drone of the ceiling light accompanied conversation, its vibration that of a composed audience.
"When I close my eyes, they feel hot... like they're burning, dattebayo."
"I have that too," you replied. "It kind of feels nice though once you get over that burning sensation."
He nodded. "Yea."
"It's just from crying. It'll go away soon." You wet the corner of a folded cloth under cold water before squatting in front of him. "This may be a little chilly, but I promise it'll feel good after a second or two."
You went in and patted the dips of his eyes, Naruto watching as you did your work.
You were something mesmerizing. How your fingertips kissed him. Your gaze traveling the lines of his nose. Touches, nimble as a morning breeze. Those pupils withholding the calm of a mother when looking at him.
"That feels pretty nice, 'ttebayo."
"Does it?"
He shut his eyes. "Mm."
"Good." You dabbed the underside of his cheek. "The cold should help calm the puffiness some. Just give it fifteen minutes or so." With a last rub, you finished and moved to the mirror, re-wetting the cloth. "And now for me."
Again, Naruto watched you softly.
Images of what happened rose to his head.
A glass of water on a sofa. Soft words. Tough words. Tear-drenched faces and crying limbs.
Among each one, you were there keeping him whole. A lighthouse amidst a stormy sea, guiding voyagers to safety within its wrath.
That you were. His blinding, incredible lighthouse.
"Hey, Y/n-chan."
At his tear-callused voice, you paused and glimpsed over a shoulder.
Tousled egg-yolk blond covered his brow. Its bangs whispered just above his downward eyes, thought renaming them.
You set down the rag before sitting on the edge of the tub beside him. "Yea?"
"I'm... sorry for shutting you out earlier. There was so much goin' on, I just..."
You cupped his cheek. "No need to say anymore. I forgive you Naruto. It was completely understandable how you were reacting. I just wanted to make sure you did what you had to is all. What we had to."
His head lifted.
You could tell he held onto that. Even after you paused, he stayed staring, his eyes livelier than before. Not the blundering staring that didn't know what to say, but rather waiting for continuation. For you to get this off your chest.
And you appreciated it.
With the mention of reaction, you lowered your hand. "I apologize too. I didn't mean to push you so much, but I just couldn't stand seeing you like that."
"No, it's okay," he assured. "You were lookin' out for me. I'm glad you did it. I needed that."
You held his hands, their fingers wordlessly curling around yours. "I want you to know... it's okay to be upset. It's okay to cry. The grieving process is different for everyone. But you need that chance, Naruto. You need to allow yourself to let it go for as long as you need. I'm not saying this to say I told you so or anything like that. I'm telling you because I care about you so much and I want you to be okay."
Another pause, this one shorter than the last.
You went on. "And if come tomorrow, you find you need to let out a little more, that's okay too. I'm gonna be here for you. However long it takes. I promise."
"I understand. I'm... very lucky to have someone like you Y/n-chan."
Your thumb caressed his fingers. Patting his knuckles twice, you smiled. "Come on. Let's go lay in bed and get full off Ibuprofen for the next couple of hours."
Warm chuckles he didn't know he withheld graced his chest as you walked over to put away the towels.
And for the second time, everything hit him.
What specifically, he wasn't sure. He couldn't describe it. There were so many things you did to him, even reality couldn't keep track.
But your smile. It was the only explanation for this feeling. That, he undoubtedly knew with all he was.
Naruto, with the help of the sink, stood from the toilet. With hands at his sides, he called you. "Y/n-chan... I love you."
You peeked past the end of the cupboard door, surprised by such words. Where had that come from? Just as soon as the question festered though, you let it go, not requiring any sort of explanation.
He spoke from his heart, and you'd heard.
Still looking at him, you closed the cupboard and smiled. "I love you too, Naruto." You walked over, bringing arms around him.
Naruto buried in your shoulder. His breath came in soft and calm, like waves caressing the white sands of a beach.
You smiled, resting a hand on the back of his head. "So much."
Naruto tightened his arms about your waist, setting everything he was and hoped to be in the comfort of your embrace.
"Please...," he whispered. "Stay here with me."
His throat choked, breath staggering, and eyes welling up.
"H-Hold me."
"I will, Naruto," you replied. "I promise."
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┊͙˚. 𝐒𝐂𝐄𝐍𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐎: When Jiraiya Dies 😞🪦
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