TRIGGER WARNING: References to torture.
In the first few days, I am more pampered than I have ever been. We breeze through good meals, plenty of sleep and the best medical care Panem has to offer. It's awfully familiar, and I know none of us are fooled. Every day, a guard comes to ask if we are ready to tell them everything we know and publicly support the Capitol. This treatment greatly resembles the luxury we lived not so long ago, when we were tributes in the Capitol before the Games. We were treated wonderfully back then too, but we were still going to be sent to our deaths.
Peeta and I decide to take full advantage, but Johanna remains vicious. I am barely able to convince her to let them take care of her injuries when her arm started looking green. Even then, she refuses to eat and she snaps at all the Capitol helpers, even the Avoxes. The hardest thing that week - besides not seeing Annie - is Johanna gets taken away.
Peeta and I remain alone in our luxurious room, and he quickly lets go of the anger and betrayal he felt against me. Johanna was right about how we have to stay strong together. He and I spend our days talking. We try to guess if Johanna and Annie are okay, whether District 13 is planning to rescue us anytime soon, what Snow's plan is. But we also learn about each other. He tells me about his painting and I tell him about the peace that knotting and weaving gives me. We share our fears, our memories, our thoughts. And it feels like if something happens to one of us, a part of them will live on in the other.
One day, they give us the full remake. Hebe, Adonis and Persephone make an appearance, but they are quiet and concentrated as they strip me of any body hair I have and apply ointment that hides my injuries. No matter how many questions I ask - about the state of Panem and where Diana is - or how difficult I make their job, they do not say a word. They trim my hair and manage to make a thin crown braid around my head. Then they apply a coat of makeup so thick that I almost forget that I was burnt by a poisonous fog. They put me in a simple, light blue dress, and fix it up to make me look as innocent yet appealing as possible.
I find myself in a chair in front of Caesar Flickerman and everything makes sense. Snow stands outside of the camera frame, but in my line of sight. So that I can see the huge man next to him. The man holding a gun, his finger on the trigger.
His soft, warning voice dances in my mind. I can still feel his disgustingly sweet breath near my ear. "I planned to have Miss Mason as well, to send a message to our dear Mockingjay and her rebel friends. But Johanna has proved to be too difficult, so she is following a different programme. You've made crowds feel, Miss Ayers, listeners cry and audiences stand. You need to make them feel today. For me."
The camera flickers on, and Caesar stares at me. "Sapphire... Miss Ayers. It's a pleasure to have you back."
I swallow, try to put Annie and Johanna out of my mind, and smile. "A surprise too, isn't it?"
"Yes, indeed. Forgive me, Sapphire, but the odds were not in your favour this Quarter Quell," Caesar says apologetically.
"I didn't expect to be back here either, Caesar." My voice is calm, composed. I am not as friendly as I was during my first interview, but I am not closed off either. The neutrality of it encourages Caesar, and, I can only hope, it encourages Snow.
"And yet here you are. Sapphire, would you tell us about that last night in the arena? The public would love to hear it from your point of view."
"Right," I say quietly. My mind works fast. No need to mention the rebels, to mention the District 13 plan. Not until Caesar asks a specific question. I mix what I was really feeling with what I should have been feeling. "I thought... I thought that it could be my last night. Ever. The plan seemed solid. I was sure it would work, that Brutus and Enobaria, and maybe even Chaff, would fall into our trap."
"You didn't seem to love the idea, though," Caesar presses.
"I didn't, no. I don't love the idea of frying people. But it was the Games. I understood that it was kill or be killed. And my allies were all for it," I explained. "I thought that Brutus and Enobaria would be gone. That Chaff, with no allies, would die somehow. Beetee is resourceful, but I didn't think he would be able to survive either. It was a matter of Johanna, Finnick, Katniss and Peeta. I don't think I would last long against any of them. I could only hope Finnick would be strong enough to survive."
"Right. But more than one tribute is alive. The Games did not go as usual. The rebels intervened, Sapphire," Caesar insists.
I take a moment to think. What could I possibly say, without selling myself and Johanna out, to keep Peeta safe, to not cost the rebels. The rebels. Those who escaped, those in District 13. They're safe. And Katniss would do anything to protect Peeta.
"Katniss must have understood something the rest of us, even Peeta, didn't."
Caesar raises his eyebrows, surprised. "What?"
My words take shape, and they make sense. "She was the one to blow it up. The rest of us were just trying to survive."
"But Peeta claims that he and Katniss knew nothing. That she just followed what she thought was Beetee's plan. And if only Katniss was involved in this, how do you explain Beetee trying to break down the forcefield himself?"
He's got me there. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that Snow is smirking. That's when I understand. Placing the blame on Katniss kills the Capitol's pity for her. It paints her into the enemy. And if I think about the rebellion for a second, the cause I was willing to die for, that I was willing to be captured for, like I am now, then Katniss must continue to appeal to the people of Panem. I do my best to backtrack.
"You're completely right, Caesar," I say. "I'm sorry, emotions are still running high, I'm still confused. Katniss didn't know anything. She was just scared, doing her best."
"So are you saying that you, Katniss and Peeta had no clue about any of this?" Caesar confirms.
I nod. There's no way I can include Johanna without derailing my whole point of view. She clearly knew what was going on, taking out Katniss's tracker. "I just feel sorry for Katniss, especially with the baby. I can't imagine what it's like for her to be away from Peeta. And same for him. They were both just trying to protect each other."
"That's quite true..." Caesar says, and I can see uncertainty flicker in his eyes. Snow must not look particularly happy. "And the war, Sapphire? Any thoughts?"
"The war..." I don't know what to say. Neutrality is my best bet. "I just hope that once it's over, Panem will be a better place for all."
"Of course. Thank you for this conversation. Sapphire Ayers, District 4!" Caesar flashes a smile, and the cameras turn off.
I've barely stood up when Snow lunges towards me, seething. "Miss Ayers, I don't think you understood me correctly. Peeta was allowed to portray Miss Everdeen as a victim, simply because he is her lover, and the Capitol would not understand the change of heart. You, on the other hand, were supposed to say the right things for the Capitol. You found your words, that Katniss was working with the rebels. You had no right to return to the pathetic image of her innocence. You may have fooled the people of Panem into thinking you were also clueless. But I know the truth, and you will be giving me every detail. You will say what I want you to."
I can't work up anything to tell him, but I think of Johanna, and I stand strong. Even as the guards drag me through corridors and push me into a cell. Peeta is in the cell on my left. I slip my arm through the metal bars. He catches my fingers, and we stand strong together.
The real interrogation, the one Snow had warned us about, begins halfway through the night. I have barely slept, and I can tell that I will not be resting for a very long time.
One of the guards - a huge man the others call Barrere - appears in front of our cells. I feel my heart seize with fear and I watch Peeta being dragged away from me. Neither of us resist. There is no way of escaping this. But Peeta begs me with his eyes to save him, and it's the thing I want most desperately in the world. I still haven't seen Johanna and Annie again. I whisper one last wish in my mind. I just want them safe.
Barrere and the others bring me to a small room. It is entirely covered in white tiles, from the floor to the walls to the ceiling. It's disorienting. Except on one wall, where there is what looks like a large window, but I can't see anything behind it, just my own reflection. One-way glass, I guess. The room is mostly empty, but in the center, there is a large chair. The guards bolt me into it, strapping down my wrists, ankles and waist.
"Last chance," Barrere says maliciously, and his words sound practiced. His grey eyes glint with glee and wickedness. He doesn't want me to give in, his job is to take care of me if I don't. "Will you tell us everything you know? Everyone involved in the rebellion? Most importantly, will you speak for the Capitol? Will you be our voice?"
I clench my teeth. "No," I say firmly, knowing I will never forget those evil grey eyes. "I won't."
I have usually tried to avoid thinking about torture. The Capitol has broken us emotionally, taken our children and killed our loved ones. That has always seemed painful enough. I didn't know anyone who had been physically tortured. I expect them to start slowly, to build in intensity. Instead, they dive right into the deep end.
At first, I see and hear everything. Then, the pain makes me blink in and out of consciousness. A metal cart, overflowing with instruments. Electrodes stuck to my skin. Water boiling, freezing, acid. Being shaken awake the second I start to drift off. Bodies, bodies all around me, bodies too close to me. Blades that look like the knives I used in the Games. Fire flickering towards me. Fire again and again. Between everything, I see Peeta, Annie and Johanna. Sometimes I have to watch them. Sometimes they have to watch me. Eventually it all blends together, and it just becomes pain. Pain. Never-ending.
Time becomes an unknown concept, but for an eternity, all I can hear is screams.