Caspian glances at me as I slide up beside him. The victors around him roll their eyes now that they've lost his attention, but he ignores them. "Everything all right with 12?"
"Smooth sailing," I say quietly, chewing on the inside of my cheek. I meet his gaze. My voice is barely a whisper. "They're children. They don't deserve to die."
Caspian's answer is so quick I know he must have thought about this before. "Neither do you," he says. "No one does."
I shrug. I know he wants to make sure that I believe this as much as he does, but I can't right now. Instead, I look around at the circle of victors I've inserted myself into. Cashmere is laughing at Finnick's attire while her brother, Gloss, drags Caspian back into the conversation they were having before I arrived. I feel Haymitch survey me silently, but it's Johanna's gaze that captures my attention.
With her incredibly high heels, Johanna just reaches my height, but she looks more imposing than that. I fight the urge to look at my own shoes and wonder why Diana didn't give me taller ones. Johanna is wearing an awful tree costume, but the strength and confidence that she radiates make her look powerful and captivating. Slowly, she looks me up and down, until she finally meets my eyes again. I hold her gaze, and despite her friendship with Cas and Finn, I can't help but be a little intimidated. I lift my eyebrows and tilt my head.
"Hi."
She smirks and nods at me. "Hey."
I smile, confident that Johanna is not the kind of person partial to small talk, and look back around the group. Haymitch is watching me again, and this time I look back.
"I think you're a little old for me, Abernathy."
He snorts. "Not interested in losers, Ayers."
I expect a witty comeback to jump to my lips, but all I can say is, "Good."
He raises an eyebrow. "You all right, there? No offense, but imminent death can put a real downer on parties like these."
"Well, once you've come to terms with it, you realise you have about four days to live and not much to lose," I say, shooting him a brilliant smile.
I know Caspian is listening. I can tell by the way his head isn't facing Gloss straight on, it's tilted slightly towards me, and the way the muscles in his back have tensed. But I ignore him, and so does Haymitch.
"Not much, but not nothing," Haymitch points out, and his gaze flickers to Caspian and Finnick meaningfully.
I tense. Is this a threat? It doesn't quite feel like one. "Everyone has something to lose, I suppose."
Haymitch nods in an agreeable manner. "Can't imagine you're particularly happy with the Capitol at the moment," he says offhandedly, although his voice is noticeably quieter.
My eyes narrow. "Can't say I've ever been particularly happy with the Capitol," I reply just as softly.
He smiles. I have no idea what he's thinking. It's a feeling I'm not used to and I take it as my cue to leave. Finnick and Caspian are so comfortable here, with other victors. They don't have to silently test the waters, impose their strength or prove their wit, guess who might be a good ally and who might stab them in the back. They've known these people for years, they already have their places and their knowledge.
I know I should be trying to make allies, but I don't think anyone here will put me above years of friendships. And I don't know that those would be people I'd want to ally with. So instead I silently excuse myself and make my way to the District 4 chariot.
I climb into the chariot, murmuring soft words of reassurance to the horses, although I think I might really be saying them for myself. I stumble for a second when the bottom of my dress gets caught on one of the steps, but it's suddenly tugged free.
"Careful, there," Caspian says. "I don't think Diana would ever forgive you if you tore this dress."
I sit on the chariot bench and smile down at him. "The thought of Diana upset is so terrifying that I might just have to blame it on you."
Caspian grins. Finnick elbows him out of the way so he can climb the steps and sit next to me. He slings his arm around my shoulders just as the doors open and the first chariot starts moving.
"Cutting it close, Finn," I say, and we stand up together.
"It's the small joys, Sapph," he replies.
Our chariot begins to move and he retracts his arm. We wave to Caspian, who has been joined by Diana and a woman I assume is Helen. When our chariot pulls out of the door, the crowd quiets for a second, and then cheers louder than ever. For a second, I'm not sure what to do. We didn't discuss what our approach would be.
But then Finnick is smiling and waving and flexing his arms, so I laugh and join in. I turn to each side to smile at the crowds, but it's really so they can see how my dress moves. I take it in my hands and then let it fall again, showing the waves.
"Remember, they're here for you, not your dress," Finnick whispers to me, his grin still plastered on his face.
"Easy for you to say," I mutter back, but I take his advice. I spot a young child in one of the front rows and blow her a kiss. I smile at a man screaming my name. I wave to the entire audience. I know that I am the show animal here, that I'm the one trapped, but acting like this almost makes me feel like I'm mocking them, and that pushes me to smile brighter and wave harder.
I make an exceptional effort to not look at any of the other tributes and chariots, to focus on the crowd, to not show any interest. So it's only once President Snow has made his speech - fake words that I barely listen to - and we're making our final round, that I see Katniss and Peeta.
I should've expected it, based on their stylists' chariot costumes last year, but seeing it up close is infinitely more terrifying. They're glowing, as if they are about to burst into flames. And in a flash, it's not the District 12 teenagers, it's Talise. Burning alive.
I panic.
The chariot moves beneath my feet and I lose my balance. Finnick catches my arm before I can fall and make a complete fool of myself in front of all of Panem, but I'm sure I didn't go unnoticed. I manage to school my expression for the few seconds it takes for our horses to pull us past the last camera.
Then I bend over, my breath coming out in a short burst. I'm vaguely aware of Finnick pulling me out of the chariot. His arm around my shoulder as he gently but firmly tells me to calm down.
I don't realise that my eyes are shut tight until a different set of arms pulls me into their chest. "It's all right, Sapph. It's just a costume."
The steadiness of Caspian's voice and the warmth of his embrace make me want to melt into him and stay forever. But I feel a sharp pinch on my arm, and it pulls me back to reality.
"Hey!" Caspian snaps, but I shoot Finnick a grateful nod. He and Caspian both try to take care of me, but they have different methods. And this time, I agree with Finnick. I need to pull myself together and put on a collected front. Caspian lets me go, although his fingers stay reaching for me. Reluctantly, I face the little group that's formed around us. Janus's eyes are wide, Diana has a stony expression on her face, and Helen is hanging onto Diana's arm, her other hand covering her mouth.
"This is not good," Janus says, his voice building. "We'll be lucky if the cameras didn't catch that. How is she going to survive in the arena if a costume scares her?!"
I feel Caspian tense, and Diana hits Janus's arm. But I'm focused on the dark look on Finnick's face.
"It won't happen again," I promise, my gaze locked on him. He slowly lifts his eyes to look at me, and I await his answer anxiously.
Out of our whole family, Finnick is the person most like me. He knows how to put on a happy front and how to sweet-talk his way through life. But with us, he knows when to be serious and say what the reality is. He'll tell me what he truly thinks without sugar-coating it.
To my relief, he nods. "You've got your weaknesses," he admits, and I wince. "But you have more strengths. People on fire... just happens to be the former." I nod back at him gratefully, and he looks around at our District 4 team. "There aren't many things that scare her, she just hasn't had to learn how to hide them like the rest of the victors. Now she knows what to expect. She'll be fine. And besides, we'll take care of each other."
I know there's only so much Finnick can do, but I also know he believes what he's saying. He trusts he'll be able to keep us safe, and more than that, that I'll be able to help. I still feel like a burden, but I'm reassured by the fact that Finnick doesn't see me that way.
And he is right, too. I'll need to get used to seeing and doing things that I will have to see and do in the Games, things I stopped preparing for the moment I turned nineteen. But that's why we have the training days. And for me, the chariot ride was the initiation.