That evening, Jisoo went home and prepared dinner with her father. Dinner itself was a quiet one, the sound of the television took over the room. Her dad glanced a few times before he was finally asking a question. It was gentle and careful.
"Did she hurt you?"
Jisoo kept on feeding herself as if she heard nothing. It was only a minute later that she answered with a weak nod.
"If it hurts, she probably worth it."
That was the last line of the night between the father and the daughter. Jisoo nodded once again, thinking how ironic it was to hear it from her father.
***
[Jisoo 7 years old]
She woke up from the loud bang, it was the front door again. Soon after, she heard her parents argued.
It had been months like this; door slammed, mom cried, dad yelled and little Jisoo was alone. She hugged her rabbit toy tighter, trying to get back to sleep. It was dark in her room, but felt like all her senses were occupied with the noises from outside her fortress.
She'd taught herself not to cry, at least not in front of her parents. Or even Lisa. It's no use, she told herself. Being weak is no use...
The argument was getting bigger, Jisoo could't remember the last time they were this enraged. She decided to get out of her bed.
Tiptoeing to the dining room, Jisoo made her presence unnoticed. She saw her father sitting with his head buried in his hands. Her mother crying and shouting words she couldn't comprehend.
"I'm leaving..." Her mother said.
Those were words Jisoo could understand, but still couldn't comprehend.
"We can fix this..."
Her father's words seemed weak. And he looked scared.
Her father was supposed to be the strongest man alive, Jisoo had seen him carrying big boxes like they were nothing. This man in front of her didn't feel like her father at all.
And she blamed him for being weak that night.
***
Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. She wondered when her mother would finally be home.
Lisa knew that her mother had left her and her father; and she tried to offer Jisoo comfort. But the concept seemed strange to Jisoo. It was always the other way around. She protected Lisa from bullies, she even protected Lisa from her own mistakes. She couldn't count how many times she had swapped her homework book with Lisa's because Lisa didn't finish her homework. Jisoo took the punishment for Lisa; and the idea of sharing her pain with the one she protected was too much for her.
So Jisoo just silently nodded every time Lisa asked her if she was okay. They were kids and they didn't know exactly what to do, so Lisa just did what she could do. She shared her lunchbox everyday with Jisoo. Since her mother left, Jisoo's lunch had been dry and colorless and this small gesture from Lisa was the foundation of their unbreakable friendship.
***
Drinking somehow had become her father's habit. He would forget to pick Jisoo up from school. At first, she would go to Lisa's home after school, but slowly, she figured out how to go home by herself.
Mornings weren't the best time either. Sometimes, her father was too wasted to even make her lunchbox, let alone to take her to school. So she made herself her lunchbox and taught herself which bus to take to school.
Some mornings, she would find her father sleeping in their living room, tears were coming down while he was sleeping. She would give him a blanket and a morning kiss before leaving to school.
***
[Jisoo 8 years old]
It was just like the other nights; 3 in the morning and her father just got back home. Suddenly, she heard loud noises from the kitchen and she'd got cold shivers. Something wasn't right, Jisoo could feel it in her stomach.
She rushed to the kitchen and found the kitchen utensils were all over the place. Her father's eyes looked wild, there was desperation and resignation. He looked around the mess he made, trying to find that one utensil he could use to end it all.
A knife on the floor.
But then his eyes meet his daughter's; who were standing there in horror, her rabbit toy was in her hand. His wild eyes were suddenly softened, as if the owner was coming back to his senses. There was a great remorse and relieved in his face, the first time after months.
He ran towards his daughter, kneeled down and hugged her tightly.
"Jisoo-ya... I'm sorry..."
She had seen her father's tears, but had never heard him crying. That night, he was sobbing and whimpering; so Jisoo hugged him back, as tightly as she could.
"Jisoo-ya... My baby girl.. What have I done to you..."
"Daddy... I'm here... I am with you..."
"I know baby..." he kissed her and cupped her small face with his rough and dry hands, "And I'm here with you... You are my reason..."
Her father tucked her into bed that night, kissed her good night; she could still smell a faint whiff of alcohol from him but it didn't bother her anymore.
The next day after he picked her up from school, Jisoo drew herself and his father on her drawing book. She was holding a red balloon and her dad was holding her other hand.
***
[Jisoo 10 years old]
She was finally seeing her mother again; this time, her mother was a mother to another kid.
Her father took her to her mother's new family to spend the day with her. It was a day she wouldn't want to repeat.
She wore her favorite dress and shoes and she brushed her hair and put on some beautiful hairpins. She was secretly excited to meet her again. But her mother now felt like a stranger, she dressed strangely and she talked to her like she was talking to a stranger; and her new brother who was 3 years older than her, didn't seem to like her.
It was funny how money can change you. Later on, Jisoo learned that her mother's new husband was a wealthy man, in fact, he was once an investor for her parents' business.
Jisoo's mother came from a wealthy family, she married her father 'out of love' and they built their own business together. Things were working out well with their business when her mother wanted more and they had different opinions and she decided to leave her father. The business was in ruin after the divorce and her father was left with debt.
Since the day where she visited her mother, she tried to find excuses not to see her again. It wasn't like her mother was trying too. Their relationship was falling apart and Jisoo was convinced it was for the better.
Slowly she learned that people would leave you when you didn't have anything. It wasn't only her mother, but also her friends. Other than Lisa, her friends slowly left her, especially with those who came from wealthy families. They wouldn't ask Jisoo out because they knew Jisoo didn't have money to buy bubble tea or to buy gifts to exchange at Christmas parties. And as she grew up, not much of her friends would make effort to stay friends with her, except for Lisa, because she spent mostly her holiday by working as a part-time.
Lisa would show up at her workplace and ordered something for lunch and then yelled at the owner of the restaurant to give Jisoo a raise after her bestfriend had worked there as a part-timer for three days. Lisa had never failed to embarrass her but secretly she appreciated her for always sticking around no matter what. As they grew up, they learned to protect each other, to lean on each other and to trust each other.
And as Jisoo once protected Lisa from bullies, it was now Lisa's turn to protect Jisoo from people who underestimated her; even though Jisoo rarely talked about it.
***
Her mother had made several attempt to re-enter her life again by spoiling her with money and gifts. But that wasn't how it worked; what Jisoo needed was an explanation and probably some time to spend with. But other than money and gifts, her mother was unwilling to give her anything, so Jisoo gave back the same energy.
***
[Jisoo's first year at the university]
She met a girl and her name was Jennie Kim. It was her smile that made Jisoo fell for her; but the gravity that pulled her towards Jennie was something she couldn't explain. Normally, Jisoo wouldn't even bother to try, the girl was popular, wealthy and she belonged in an entirely different world.
But Jennie was like an addiction to her, being around her made her ecstatic and thinking about her was essentially a yearning; she just couldn't get enough.
Jennie was something she didn't plan in her life, something she didn't even know she would ever want. What she wanted was a successful academic life, and maybe to get herself a little girlfriend who was cute, innocent and shy. One she could walk home, one that she could buy a drink once a while.
But Jennie was someone who broke her heart when she finally decided to try. She thought they were friends until Jennie said they didn't.
What worst was, she didn't even know why she was rejected, and that moment in the corridor, it felt like she was 7 again when her mother left her without her knowing why.
***
[Jisoo in summer: June, July and August that year]
Jisoo cursed herself for her heart still beating like it was a year ago now Jennie was around. She thought Jennie was her past; she thought she was a mistake she wouldn't repeat. Wanting Jennie would bring her nothing but heartbreak, she told herself.
So she decided to be a polite driver to Miss Kim. But the missus treated her like a friend; she took her for a breakfast every morning and walks in the park. Naturally, her heart was exploding with all types of feelings but then Jennie never told her what she wanted to hear the most: that day in the corridor was a mistake and they were indeed friends.
Rejection, even though she always acted tough and rarely talked about it, was what stung her the most; she had learned it the hard way since she was too young to understand. It was like a scar, a flaw she couldn't get rid of. So she built this fortress of pride: pride of unwanting validation from anyone, especially from wealthy people.
The fortress worked well until Jennie. That one girl tore it down with ease, Jisoo didn't even understand how.
She was confused and she was upset to see Jennie acted like last year was nothing. Were they friends, were they not? Was this how rich people treat their driver or what? Was last year a joke and what had she even done to her?
After the confrontation following the Zico incident, what Jisoo wanted was only to deliver her apology; she even didn't expect Jennie to accept it.
But not only accepting her apology, the girl apologized for what happened last year and gave Jisoo an explanation. And despite the fact that Jisoo had promised herself not to deal with people like Jennie ever again, she couldn't help but to continue pursuing her.
And it was a big moment, that moment by the river watching the sunset with Jennie; since Jisoo wasn't a type of person that break the rules, especially when they were made by herself.
***
[Jisoo and Jennie's friends: October and November that year]
The gravity pulled her stronger and stronger, she couldn't deny her desire anymore. Since Jeju, she was wildly wanting Jennie; but the more she learned about Jennie, the more unreachable that girl became.
Jennie took her to meet her friends. At first, Jisoo thought it was a nice gesture even though Lisa never liked the idea. Doesn't it mean that Jennie want me to enter her world? Why is Lisa so against it?
But her world is ugly, not to Jennie, but to Jisoo. Her friends were secretly mocking her for once being Jennie's driver. They even ridiculed her for not knowing the names of the dishes in the fancy restaurants she went with them. And they teased her for always wearing her favorite shirt. Jisoo had always thought she looked good in it, but they said it was a little bit outdated and worn out.
It hurt her pride; that one thing she took care of the most. Nevertheless, she never said anything to Lisa, she never showed any sign of weaknesses and most importantly, she appeared to be perfectly fine in front of Jennie.
After all, what mattered the most was Jennie. If what it took to get her closer to Jennie, she wouldn't complain about it. She'd been through worst anyways.
One conversation she remembered the most was between Doyeon and Eun Woo;
"I think Kai was that one ex that you know... the best."
"Who?"
"Her high school sweetheart. They were perfect for each other."
"If that so... Why did they break up?"
"Not sure, I've heard jealous people made up rumors about him cheating, he was in the US that time."
"This Kai, he's better than the people she dated during first year?"
"Are you kidding me? I don't know what happened to Jennie first year but surely she was just playing around. I bet she couldn't even remember their names."
Both Eun Woo and Doyeon were laughing.
"Hey, Jisoo... This Kai guy was built perfect; he's got the look, the charm and the money. Only him can match up to her..."
At that time, Jisoo wasn't even responding. She was just staring into the distance, trying to find that one girl she treasured; the girl she could see beyond her reach.
***
[Back to the present]
The last time she was on this bed in her house, she was holding the locket, examining how glossy and charming it was.
Now that the glitter and gold had gone, now that she had given everything, tried her best, endured all types of pain; she was thinking. Am I still not enough?
***