"This is the coffeehouse from where I usually get you your favorite coffee..." Jennie tried to start a conversation. She took Jisoo to the coffeehouse near the university; Jisoo had been too quiet and it made her nervous.
"Jennie, why don't you find us a table. I will make an order."
"I took you here... Can I buy instead?"
"Please?"
Jennie nodded and went to find a table for them.
***
Jennie undid a few buttons of her shirt to expose her chest. She played with her necklace nervously, trying to make it sat comfortably on her neck.
A few minutes later, Jisoo came with two cups of coffee. Jennie thanked her before they fell into a complete silent.
"Jisoo..."
It was strange, really.
Even in that moment, Jennie had butterflies in her stomach. Regardless of what they'd been through last night, her feelings stayed just the same. Having Jisoo here with her felt right; it comforted her. It felt like she hadn't been crying all night, as if the pain she had was somehow endurable.
She wondered if Jisoo felt the same, she was desperate for Jisoo to feel the same.
"Jisoo," she called her again, "Please... Can you look at me?"
Jisoo was hesitant at first but she finally brought her dejected eyes to meet Jennie's. Her gaze then fell on the necklace that Jennie was wearing.
"It's yours." Jennie said softly.
"It's mine?" Jisoo looked surprised, her eyes eagerly explored the locket that was sitting on Jennie's chest.
Jennie could see that Jisoo was trying to hide her reaction, but it was obvious that she couldn't contain herself from looking. For the first time that day, Jennie saw a glimpse of happiness in her. Jisoo looked content and satisfied, her eyes were sparkling. Still examining the necklace, Jisoo tilted her head and her ashen face was now slitting beaming.
Jisoo looked pure and it was a beautiful sight, but the same sight hurt Jennie like she was having another cut on top of a fresh wound. Surely Jisoo had planned a different scenario to give her the locket. Surely it wasn't a Christmas gift. It drove her crazy that Jisoo didn't have the chance to explain herself about the locket. All those things she kept to herself and all the ghosts she kept on the back of her mind... Jennie realized that she knew so little about Jisoo and her choices.
"It's beautiful, Jisoo," her voice was cracking, "It's the most beautiful thing I've ever received from someone. It's too beautiful that I don't feel like I deserve it..."
"You deserve it. No... You deserve... something better."
That was the saddest tone and line Jennie had ever heard from her.
"I don't want better. I like what I see." Jennie said it weakly.
Jennie tried to reach for Jisoo's hand but the girl gently put her hand off the table, still looking at her cup with a distant stare.
Jennie was desperate to touch Jisoo and to make sure that, despite of her cold shoulder, warmth was all that she had for Jennie; and probably to deceive her heart for a moment that Jisoo was indeed hers.
"Jisoo, please talk to me..." Jennie begged, letting her desperation known. She wanted Jisoo more than anything.
Never had she been in this situation. It was always the other way around. Last time, it was Kai begging and it felt good.
But with Jisoo, it was different.
"Jisoo, please say something.. Your silence hurts me."
Unexpectedly, Jisoo brought her eyes to meet Jennie's. Jennie didn't realize until that moment how swollen and dejected Jisoo's eyes were.
"What do you expect me to say, Jennie..."
"Anything, really..."
"... when you've decided not to tell me anything at all."
Her words came too soft for something that hit Jennie hard.
"I don't... Jisoo, I don't... There's nothing between him and I anymore..."
"Jennie... It's okay, you deserve-"
"My relationship with him belongs to the past, my feelings for him too. I don't even know how I feel for him right now..."
The uncertainty in her words didn't go unnoticed; Jisoo nodded weakly as her heart sinked into a deeper valley of agony.
"One thing I know that it's nothing like I feel for you! Jisoo, for me you're... Don't you see that you're-"
"Jennie, please don't..."
"What are you so afraid of, Jisoo..."
"Don't say the word you can't take back..."
"And what makes you think I want to!"
Jennie harshly raked her fingers through her hair, she was frustrated. Jisoo was really impossible to move, didn't she see how miserable they were right now?
"Can we at least try..."
"That's not how I want you..."
"So you want me?"
Jisoo didn't say anything.
"Stop responding with silence..."
Jisoo slowed down the pace, trying to make Jennie understand, "I don't want you to regret anything, I can never forgive myself for that. If there's..." Jisoo halted to gain control of her voice, "If there's something left to do, please do. You don't want to regret anything. And.. it's not like I can do better... It's... just me."
"How many times should I tell you that I don't want better?"
"You should. You deserve better."
"I don't even know what I feel about him, you're-"
Then you need to find out..."
"I don't need to, you're too foolish to see it, Jisoo. Since last year my heart has been-"
"Please don't say anything that you will regret later."
"Is that why you didn't say the word last night? Is it because you thought that you'd regret it if you said that you love me?"
What said had been said and the answer for the bold question was silence.
Jennie waited and waited, until the other girl's silence hurt too much.
"Can you at least be honest? You pretend like you do this for me," Now Jennie became aggressive, "But you're actually protecting yourself. You're too arrogant to admit that you're scared. You're never willing to get help from people-"
"How does it have anything to do with-"
"... I couldn't even buy you a phone after I broke your old one, you didn't even let me pay for coffee every time we're together and you've been trying to pay back all the..."
"Jennie, it's enough..."
"You're scared for no reason that someone you think better than you will take what's yours and your pride away!"
For a moment, her explosion felt so good for her. And for the moment, the silence that came after felt like a tranquil interlude, pleasing to the ears.
Until it wasn't. Until she finally saw Jisoo's face; and it wasn't like Jennie had seen before.
It wasn't the hurt like she saw in the corridor.
Or the anger at the nightclub after the Zico incident.
It was shame.
Jennie had hit her hard without knowing; she realized she knew who Jisoo was- but not her story.
"Jisoo... I can explain..."
"You just did, Jennie," Jisoo got up, "It's better for us not to see each other for a while. You need to go home. And I... I need to go now."
Jisoo walked away, trying to vanish into the thin air; but like a shadow, Jennie ran after her, repeating her apology, desperately trying to get to Jisoo.
Outside, it was cold and Jisoo walked aimlessly, avoiding the crowded road. Her head was still buzzing with Jennie's word and her face was warm from shame.
"Jisoo, please... Stop!"
Jisoo kept on walking, she wanted to run away from her. Jennie knew her too well, she had come to know her too well and it wasn't okay.
"You didn't even tell me you're hurt too! You didn't tell me anything! You didn't even tell me what you felt when you saw me wearing your locket! I'm done keeping my silence. What if I'm done with you, what if I stop chasing you!"
"Then stop chasing me!" Jisoo suddenly turned around to Jennie, "Then stop chasing me, Jennie... please..."
Jennie quickly hugged her, she was so relieved that Jisoo stopped.
"No... Don't go... It's cold here... Don't walk away from me..." Jennie pleaded.
Jennie tightened her embrace, trying to find the warmth under all the layers of clothes. She buried her face on Jisoo's shoulder, breathed in and out the whiff of Jisoo's skin.
They were in a quite alley and no one in sight. The fallen snow was mercilessly numbing her hands; in hurry, Jennie left her gloves in the coffeehouse.
"What can I do to make you change your mind?" she quietly whispered. Her hands grasped Jisoo's coat even tighter.
It took Jisoo a while to finally respond to what had happened, "Jennie, you don't wear your gloves?"
"You see, I'm cold. You can't leave me here..." Jennie deepened her hug.
"Here..." said Jisoo gently, her eyes were darkened and her breath was at pace; but she managed to carefully remove Jennie from her.
She then took off her gloves and put them on Jennie's hands.
"What can I do to make you change your mind, Jisoo?"
"Right now, I'm unsure about everything." Jisoo felt her throat tightened up.
"You're unsure about me?" Jennie started to cry.
"Please don't cry... No... Jennie, please..."
"You're unsure about me?" Jennie repeated her question, her voice was rough with pain. she reached out for Jisoo's hand and held it tight once she found it.
Jisoo gently wiped tears from Jennie's face, "Please don't cry... I can't really do anything right... I keep making you cry..."
"You're unsure about me..." Jennie repeated it.
"I don't know. I don't know about anything right now, seems like everything is overwhelming... What you've said earlier..."
"I was wrong, I'm sorry! Please forget what I said-"
"Jennie, you were right. I'm weak, I can't handle it. You were right, maybe it's not you... Maybe it's me. I can't... I can't handle it."
Jisoo looked defeated. These were the words that came from the darkest place of herself. A place where she buried the unwanted. A place where she actually got the most potent fuel to work hard to constantly prove herself.
And Jennie knew it, for God's sake Jennie knew it.
"Did I hurt you? I'm sorry for my words, I've been reckless with my words since last night."
Jisoo gently freed herself from Jennie's grip.
"You didn't even tell me you're hurt too... Why do you have to keep everything to yourself," Jennie said in between her sobs, her eyes filled with compassion, "Feels like I don't even know you after all this time... I don't even know what took you so long since... since the day in Jeju."
"Jennie, I need to go..."
"What am I suppose to do, Kim Jisoo?"
"Go home and get some sleep."
"Please don't leave me..."
"Then leave first. I will get your gloves from the coffeehouse. You go to your car. Drive home and get some sleep. Don't go after me."
"No..."
"Goodbye, Jennie."
Jisoo walked away, heading back to the coffeeshop. Her hands were numb from the cold. She tried to make her steps steady. In the background, she could hear the girl she loved was still crying; and her heart was tormented beyond repair.
***