It was literally 11 pm so everyone was in their rooms probably sleeping.
I suddenly felt empty, like something was missing. I also felt lonely, which surprised me. I never counted myself as someone who loved people. But I do depend on them alot more than I originally thought.
I guess it's nice to have someone with you after all.
I bit the inside of my cheek thinking about the conversation over and over again. What hurt the most was how he didn't seem to feel remorse of any kind. His facial expression stayed the same.
"soulmates my ass" was something especially painful as well. The soulmates thing was a joke. So it hurt even more that he was using it against me.
But I was also confused as his complaints didn't make sense. They were all conflicting.
I obviously wasn't doing something right.
I bit my cheek more, feeling more and more empty. But then I tasted metal and I gagged. I had
I had bit my cheek so much I started bleeding.
"ow-" i cupped my cheek, the metal taste of blood filling my mouth.
I sighed, dragging myself to the kitchen to get a drink.
When i go to the dentist it's going to be embarrassing. I bite the inside of my cheek so much i know there's going to be scarring .
Jeewoo has the same habit and was berated by the dentist there. He threatened to make his teeth into a bracelet so jeewoo has been pretty fearful of the dentist ever since.
Upon using the taps, I was so distracted the water sprayed everywhere made me shrieked and I recoiled.
I then remembered that most people, like soon to be birthday boy jin, were asleep so i clamped my hand over my mouth rather quickly. I thumbled with my shirt trying to dry it. I gave up, but i still had to live with a soggy sleeve...
I started to jump up, trying to get my favorite cup. It was green. All you need to know is basic knowledge about me to figure why i like it so much. I got it after my fourth try. I was proud for a split second that I actually got it, a mid air celebration. but it faded away when I felt my slippers slip on the water I had failed to recognise as a hazard.
I was on the floor. Great. Wow I am so close to ending it all after this day it is unbelievable. My ears were ringing slightly.
The cup had smashed of course. What would be the point of me tripping if it didn't break.
My chin had hit the floor with so much force I saw stars, this is what i suspect caused the ringing.
I am so done with my life at this point. I let go of the rest of the glass, the shards surprisingly not cutting me. Sadness about breaking my favorite glass now joined the argument with hoseok and i lay on the floor staring at them. Tears in my eyes. My favorite cup. Reduced to shards.
They were big pieces anyway. Maybe I could fix it? A bit of glue...?
I sat up putting my head in my hands. Can't escape failure. I laughed, it hurt to do so as my chest took part in the fall. If i dont laugh ill cry.
"Well that's embarrassing'' I wheezed. Shaking my head. I could feel more tears in my eyes, the aching in my throat as I tried desperately not to give in to the now overwhelming feeling of wanting to cry.
"you idiot" now that definitely wasn't a voice in my head. I looked up to see hoseok standing there. His face was unreadable. He stood there, quiet sinister, so sinister that i moved the shards of glass out of sight, just in case he wanted to murder me.
"Look who's talking." i Spat, turning away, i felt tears leaving my eyes and i tried to hurriedly wipe them away before hoseok saw it and started saying i was attention seeking. This was of course something I had made up in my head. I was trying to show the anger I felt but the tears and sniffling gave it all away.
I no longer felt the pain in my chest, and I no longer tasted the blood in my mouth. There's no need to sit here then. I can go cry by myself, rather than have a one man audience.
He was still standing there when I finally stood up. I moved past him, trying not to touch him in anyway just in case he accused me of trying to hard or something stupid like that.
I went into my room, finally free of his presence.
I don't know why he was there. To mock me? Probably. The deulenonal side of me said maybe he was worried about me. The deranged side of me said he felt the tug of the red string of fate when I fell. If only i wasn't so stubborn and angry I would let these delusions take over me.
I kicked my skateboard across the room, the board shot to my desk, hitting its leg, sending all the books and paper I had precariously balanced, now came crashing down onto the floor.
I had given up with my room a week ago. I stopped tidying because I always felt tired. And I felt no urge to do so. If nothing else brought me joy, clearing my room wouldn't either.
And I had given up with my cd shelf. Even putting back cds was tiresome , so I just didn't bother getting them out.
I jumped as the door banged open, hoseok stood there with a manic expression. The source of my rage had returned for more fighting,
What did I do this time, make too much noise? Breath? Exist even?
"Are you ok... I heard.." he muttered, then pointed to the fallen books. He looked away now looking bashful when he realised I was in one piece.
"Well I'm not dead." I said looking him dead in the eye. He mumbled something then stood there for what felt like 5 minutes.
"yet." I snapped picking up my George Harrison album, inspecting it and checking for marks I didn't recognise. Poor George. He doesn't deserve this.
Hoseok shuffled in, stepping over the odd stack of paper, trying to be discreet, stepping behind my back, sneaking...
I rolled my eyes, turning away from him completely.
I heard him sit down on my bed, still in silence. He was staring, his hands on his knees, still in his bashful state. His eyes may have been fixed on me, but his head was low. He looked like a dog who had just been scolded.
"What do you want?" I glared, and he put his eyes on the floor in shame. I shook my head exasperatedly
"What are you sulking about?" I said, putting down my notes in frustration. He continued his silence.
I knew of course, but i don't know why HE was sulking.
"fine. If you wanna sit then sit. But don't make too much noise, I can't deal with you right now. Just looking at you makes me ill" i muttered carefully.
You only make things worse.
I ignored the voice sneering in my head, the voice as always, extremely annoying and saying things that were always painfully true. We as a collective cannot agree on anything, thats why we always fail.
Hoseok sat there for an hour. In that time I had sorted out my desk, swept my floor. My room was practically clean now.
The only thing that wasn't tidy. Was my bed.
Hoseok, who had been watching me for the full hour, looked away, knowing what was coming next.
"move."
"huh?" he said quietly. I gritted my teeth in frustration.
"move. You know that thing you do to get from one place to another." i said patronisingly, my eyes going wide.
"oh- oh ok" he hastily got up, hugged himself and ran to the corner.
I rolled my eyes and started stripping my bed of the 1000 blankets I owned, throwing my frogs to the corner, half hoping it would hit hoseok.
Once finished, I sat down, staring at the floor, panting. Finally resting.
I placed my head in my hands, my eyes burning from tiredness. But I had work to do.
I pulled a notebook from my bedside table and some random pen, while hoseoks stood hauntingly in the corner, looking like a bad Halloween decoration.
After a while, I still had nothing in my paper. I held back a yawn, my eyes watering. Hoseok suddenly appeared in front of me, his hands reaching towards me before I could move, he took away my notebook, slowly putting it in my desk.
I looked at him confused, before I could say anything, I felt his arms wrapped about my body, they snaked between my arms, moving further down to my waist, the place he always went when he needed comfort.
In the process of melting, I tried to stay angry, and not hug back, choosing rather to sit sit stiffly.
He started hugging me harder, until he made me fall back upon my bed, him still holding on tight. He snuggled his head into my neck, then i felt something wet. Then I saw his body shaking and I heard a sniffle.
I tried to pull him away and take a better look at him, but he must of thought I wanted to get away from him entirely, i had already done it twice, who's to say I wouldn't do it again.
His tears kept falling, until I felt my jumper getting increasingly more sodden.
I was just lying there with Jung hoseok crying hysterically into my shoulder.
fun.
He finally moved away, but only to the centre of my chest, still not facing me.
I felt bad, but then again i don't know what i could of done to elicit this reaction from him.
I mean i KNEW but, he's the one that snapped, so it's confusing to see him being the one crying.
I let him sob only more into my chest.
"I thought you hated me." he finally choked sitting up, whipping his eyes, while i still lay flat on my back, watching him with great interest.
"well. I did. For about an hour" i rolled my eyes but he only cried harder.
I tried not to laugh. It was slightly funny how he believed I hated him.
"n-not then" he shocked out rubbing his eyes "the last few weeks or so." he rubbed his eyes harder. I took his wrists to prevent him from burning his face with the friction of his sleeves. He had of course noticed me trying to be less clingy.
As I've said, I was fearing I was annoying him. Especially when hoseok liked to work. I didn't want him to get sick of me.
Horribly, I had envisioned he would get bored of me. Like a child with a new toy, he would slowly move on. It's not even like I wanted to stop. It was the opposite.
"why" he choked, his tears landing on my neck, and they slowly dripped down, I focused on them rather than his question. They were warm but at the same time, cold.
I didn't say anything, my eyes moving away from his. Hoseok grew frustrated and he hit my chest in complaint.
"answer me, sung." he cried, his fists still balled up in my chest. The use of my nickname in this setting had struck a nerve. Then, with the fear that He would strike again for sure, I had just opened my mouth. I didn't say anything, unless you counted the strangled noise of my confusion trying to form real sentences.
"I love you dammit tell me-" he yelled. If my face was a pot of water it would have boiled over. My hand flew to my mouth and my brain crashed with pure confusion. Why would he say that- that doesnt make sense, maybe hes going mad? I felt sweat build on my forehead.
I could barely breathe. I'm going insane-
I haven't had someone say that to me in a while.
"fine. I get it" he pulled his hands away and started wiping his eyes, not even noticing my reaction to his previous sentence.
"you don't want to talk... Wouldn't be the first time you refused to give me an explanation." he spat, trying to sound angry, but he just sounded upset.
I actually don't think there was any anger inside of him at that moment. Just confusion and sadness.
"sorry" was all I could say,my voice sounding choked, i was still trying to cover my red face.
He hit me again. "sorry? Is that all" he clutched My jumper, his hands shaking.
I pushed him off, wanting to look at the ceiling, and talk to him, not look at his face and talk to him.
I got up and switched off the light, my legs feeling like lead as I walked back in the dark. Hoseok was sat, most of his tears had suddenly disappeared, but he sniffled still more.
I placed my head in his lap finally ready to explain my behaviour, without seeing his crying face. It hurt.
"i dont like being clingy" i said trying to level out my voice. I gulped, feeling guilty.
"i mean, I've never been big on physical touch believe it or not" i said trying to reassure myself even in the slightest.
He looked at me confused, but slowly a look of realisation formed on his face.
"oh." his face contorted. I was shocked, not believing he had grasped or made sense of my feelings so quickly.
"I've never hated you. I never will" i whispered so quietly i doubted he could hear.
"I'm sorry I'm not good at any of this" I said even quieter, feeling heavy all of a sudden.
"i didn't want you to get bored of me"
He was quiet for ages. His head was permanently on the wall, for so long I was surprised there wasn't a dent where his head had been leaning.
I wondered after a while, if he had died. But he was breathing. I lifted up my head, my neck aching from being on his leg for an extended period of time.
He let out a strangled strange noise, pushing me back. I scowled, rubbing my neck.
"don't leave," he said, his voice almost a whisper.
It was one of desperation. One of not wanting me to leave at all. For me to stay put.
"ok" i said, melting back into my original position.
And that was that. I don't understand any of it, but we just sat together. In silence.
But then he opened his mouth, and he whispered "i could never get sick of you." he probably thought i was asleep, but my eyes still stared up at him.
He swallowed and looked down, and was shocked when he saw my eyes open, looking at him.
He then regained himself, and then repeated.
"i could never get sick of you"
(a/n: the other day i was on pintrest and i seen a picture and it was from this book when i tell you my heart fell-
Anyway. Day6 slaps i love them sm