*TW// MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, EATING DISORDERS, SEXUAL ASSUAL AND RAPE.
"I'm taking you on a date."
I'm laid in bed, naked from head to toe and my chest is heaving as I try to catch my breath. I think we both needed a stress reliever and despite the needy image Caleb painted of me on Sunday morning when we spoke about phone calls, he was the one begging and calling this time.
I didn't expect his plans for the night, I honestly thought it'd be the weekend I see him next when we go to a party we've been talking about, but apparently not.
Mom's finally gone back home, and I had the first night in bed alone after what felt like for so long.
"Are you sure you're gonna be okay when I leave?" My mom's practically delayed her leaving me.
I tried to assure that I was okay, but she just wasn't in the mood to believe me.
"I'm sorry you're not doing great."
"It's okay, I'm going to therapy tomorrow anyway, so it's fine, I'll be fine." Fine is the new word for fucked in my little world.
She found me in the middle of one of my panic attacks, simply triggered over the thought of my dad getting out and finding me. She made me promise that I would get help, although she isn't the biggest believer of therapy, she was insistent.
I'm soon giggling like an idiot, brushing the idea off, I doubt he's surprised. "No, you're not."
"Yes, I am." He's so matter-of-fact. What if I had plans? "I'm getting a shower and I'm picking you up. Let's say... half an hour?"
"Babe, did you really have to wait for me to finish to ask me this? Why not before?" I'm always so flustered in moments where I wish I could answer him honestly and with a straight face. But now I have blushed cheeks, my breathing is all over the place and I'm denying every ask of his.
"Because I was hard and needy." He admits quietly and I chuckle softly, shaking my head. I've started to notice that he's becoming much more comfortable around me now. He's showing his submissive side a lot more and he's not ashamed to let me be the one in control. It's nice.
I've been busy today with morning classes and then my therapy appointment, so me and Caleb have hardly any time together, I only saw him for ten minutes outside the coffee shop at lunch time.
So it's understandable that he wants to see me - I want to see him too - but it's almost dark out, I didn't expect he'd want to do anything, not right now anyway.
"Now, can you be good for me and get dressed, please? Don't stress about an outfit, just wear something comfortable." He tells me.
"Comfortable?" I mumble, repeating his words. He really doesn't understand how my thoughts work with this information, does he?
"Don't overthink it, wear sweats, I don't care, it's going to be very relaxed and casual." He tries to assure me, but it doesn't help at all, it just makes me feel worse - couldn't he just tell me what to wear and I'll show up for him? "You'll still look amazing either way."
"Okay." That's all he gets. My mind is in overdrive and I'd rather keep it to myself then spill my worries over something so minimal.
"I'll be half an hour, hurry up." He doesn't sound bossy, in face he sounds the most happiest I've ever heard him. It seems like he has tonight planned out and has done for a while. I'm excited.
"Alright, alright. I'll text you when I'm ready." I smile to myself like an absolute idiot.
"Bye, bye, girlfriend." He's started calling me girlfriend as a nickname and it's honestly the sweetest thing. I'm still not used to it, reality hasn't sit me yet - Caleb's my boyfriend, he's mine.
"Goodbye, dickhead." I retort not so nicely and before he can even reply to attempt to scold me on the foul language, I hang up with a small giggle.
I'm going on a date.
Now, what the fuck am I going to wear?
"Jeans?" I question, talking to myself as I pick up some black skinny jeans - I only wear these for work, they're comfy though. "Meh, it'll do."
I throw the jeans on my bed and I go back to my closet, looking through my many shirts. I don't have many bright colors since most of the things I own are black or gray, but tonight I really want to wear red.
But other than dresses, the only red shirt I own is a see through sheer top with skinny spaghetti straps and although it's very comfortable, it is a little slutty for a relaxed date.
I haven't forgotten about Caleb's little act on Sunday, where he teased and annoyed me to a point I really question my life as a whole, so maybe this is where I get my well deserved payback.
I mean, there's no better way than teasing him all afternoon with a shirt where can clearly see my boobs and the outlines of my nipples, is there?
Happy with my decision, I put it down on my bed along with my jeans and because I'm not risking my whole life tonight, I grab a small lingerie set from my underwear draw - a black lace thong and bralette.
"God, I don't want a shower." I whine, talking to myself yet again as I leave my room with my robe now clung to my body.
"Hey, babe." Bryne catches my attention and I smile over at her, stopping myself in my tracks to the bathroom.
She looks so much happier than she did earlier this week. Jake unfortunately broke her heart again, and hopefully for the last time. I don't ever wanna see my friend go through that again, she was a mess.
"How's Caleb?" She asks with a smug smile. She's either up to something or knows something... I don't trust that look. "Caleb. Is he not here?"
No, not again.
I refuse for this to be true. Why must everyone hear me when I want time alone? Why?
I really thought the apartment was empty too. Maybe she just came in? I hope for my sake, Caleb's sake and her own sake, that that's true.
"I need a shower." I quickly excuse myself, continuing my walk to the bathroom.
"Oh, my god." She mutters, shaking her head. "You- Monica!"
"Don't judge me, I thought I was alone." I try my hardest to back my point. "When did you even get here anyway?"
"About ten minutes ago." She shrugs carelessly and my jaw drops without fault.
"Oh, for fuck's sake." I bow my head and she giggles, walking over to the kitchen. I'm happy to hear that - hear her laugh, it seems to have been replaced by cries lately.
"I'll stop embarrassing you, but you better go pee, I don't wanna hear you complaining." She deadpans and I nod quickly, sharing that same view as her. I've had one UTI and surprisingly it wasn't because of sex or anything involving that, but fuck, they're annoying.
"I know, I know. I need to get a shower too, Caleb's taking me on a date somewhere." I tell her with a wide smile, an action she quickly meets.
"Ooo, where?!" She exclaims.
"I don't know, he said it's going to be relaxed and I have to be dressed comfortably."
"Ugh, I hate when people say that." She grumbles and I can only agree. I can't stress enough, be more specific!
"Me too, I decided on jeans and this shirt I really like - it's red." I say, "I'm still figuring out what I'm gonna be wearing on feet though, I don't think I can handle heels again."
"Well, the outfit seems good! I really thought you would go with sweats."
"See, I'm not that predictable, am I?" I ask this as if I weren't at all staring at some black sweatpants just five minutes ago. "If you're out here when I get out, you can judge my outfit."
"Yeah, okay! That'll be fun. I won't be too harsh." She promises.
It's the little things like this that make her truly happy - or what she shows, and it really does make me rethink how she's really feeling.
She appears happy and not bothered, but she's just left a guy that she's spent six years with - I just hope she knows I'm here for her, I don't want her to go through this alone.
~~
"Are you here yet?" I ask my boyfriend for the hundredth time in the past minute.
"Like I said ten seconds ago, nearly. I'm actually coming onto campus now." He speaks through the speaker on my phone and I groan, sitting down on the sidewalk.
I'm now dressed, my makeup is on and I'm eager to start this night with Caleb. I just want to forget about all that has happened this week and have fun.
Fuck my anxiety.
While I got changed and ready for this date, Bryne kindly came and sat on my bed, giving me advice and assuring me that I looked amazing with every step of the way.
Back home, I wouldn't have dreamt to dress like this and those who did, I shamelessly judged them. It's honestly crazy how things have really done a full 180. And although I look beautiful, my insecurities right now are out for the whole world to see and it has my stomach turning.
I do look good though, I have to remind myself of this. Caleb will probably freak when he sees me and not in the bad sense. I need to stop overthinking, I need to start getting excited.
I'm going on a date with my handsome ass boyfriend.
To take my mind off my worries and insecurities, I not so discreetly changed the conversation from my problems to her breakup with Jake. It wasn't exactly the best thing to bring up, but I needed the attention off me and that was the first thing I thought of, and when I saw her face when I mentioned his name it made me want to shrivel up and die.
Apparently Jake wants her back and has been repeatedly calling her since yesterday night, crying and begging on the other end of the phone.
And when she denies him, she gets verbal abuse down the phone, sending her into tears yet again, cutting up a freshly healed scar.
She stuck to her word though and won't be going back to him. She knows deep down he's bad news and I just hope for her sake she doesn't cave.
But she's strong, I know this.
"Usually the girl is the one to be late, not the guy." He specifically told me to leave the apartment and go downstairs, but he's the one to be late.
"And, usually the girl is the one to get fucked, yet you have a strap-on upstairs in your room that tells me otherwise." He backfires and I take my phone off speaker immediately, pulling it up to my ear. There's no one around but I wouldn't be able to live it down if someone may hear him and his filthy words.
"Will you shut up?" I hiss with a snap.
"Is my girl moody?" He teases and I can tell he's wearing a smile as he does. I miss him.
"I'm cold and hungry. You told me not to eat and be outside in five minutes. It's been ten, Caleb. Ten!" I'm being dramatic but I want food, I want him and I want to sit down.
"I'm here, Jesus." He mutters and I roll my eyes. The fucking audacity he has, he does not get the privilege right now to be dramatic, it's my turn.
"I don't see you." I deadpan, looking around the parking lot and just as I do a cars horn goes off in the distance, a darkened large shadow appears to be coming closer to me.
"But you hear me."
The white jeep pulls up beside me, it seeming much taller this time with me sat on the floor and I hang up the phone, waiting for the window to be rolled down.
"Angel." Caleb's words meet my ears as I'm soon seeing his face. "What are you doing on the floor?"
"My legs started to hurt." I'm thankful I didn't choose the heels for tonight and instead put some black Nike's on.
"Of course." He chuckles and I stand up on my feet, getting up from the floor. "How are you, darling?"
"I'm happy to see you." I lean on his door, looking down at him through his window.
"I'm happy to see you too, angel." He looks up at me, "You wanna get some food? I know a really good place."
"Italian?" I ask, my hopes somewhat high as I do.
"Italian." He confirms with a nod and I let out a high pitched squeal. There's nothing better than nice Italian food, it will forever be my favorite.
"Yes!" I run around the side of his car, not even checking for any cars and I hop in the passenger side, meeting a shocked expression on Caleb's face. "What? I like pasta and pizza."
"You're crazy." He shakes his head in utter disbelief at my actions.
"Hmm, I don't know, you haven't really seen me crazy yet." I raise my brows at him, placing my purse on the backseat as drives off, not even waiting for me to put my seatbelt on.
"Oh, yeah ?" He asks and I purse my lips together. "You're lying, I don't believe you're crazy. You're a vanilla girl."
"Such a fucking tease." I mutter under my breath.
"I don't see a lie." He shrugs shamelessly and I roll my eyes, laying my head against the seat.
"You won't be calling me vanilla when I'm pegging you." I tell him and by my words alone, I can see the blush rise in his cheeks. "Exactly."
Everything falls - the teasing and sexual tension, "It's nice to see you, I missed you."
"It's been four very long days." I nod with an uncertain smile.
Four long days he knows nothing about. Four days where I've declined so much that I had to see a therapist and sob in my best friends arms. He knows nothing and it hurts so much that I'm keeping it from him.
I want to keep tonight positive though, I'm going to have a good time and so is he. I know I need to tell him, and I will, at one point, but right now I just want to be happy with him.
I am happy with him.
"It has." He agrees, "When is that going to happen anyway?"
"When is what going to happen?" I frown in utter confusion. He loses me with his conversation changes so much so that I'm at a loss constantly.
"When you fuck me." He clears up, his shy attitude coming back as he does.
"You have a one track mind, sir." I tell him. Honestly, I'm a hypocrite, that's all I think about, especially around him, so I guess we're on the same track.
"So... when?"
"Do you have the need to get fucked in the ass?" I ask, remembering back to our past conversation and that being the only reason as to why and when we'd do such an act together.
"So, it's down to me and my decision as to when we do it?" He clears up and I nod, only now putting my seatbelt on. I assure you, I'm a safe driver and passenger. "Really? I thought you were just going to spring it on me one day."
"I want to do it in your own time, I aren't going to do it if you're not into it." This is on him. All of it. I don't want any pressure on this whatsoever and while we wait, it only gives me more time to prepare.
"I guess that makes sense." He mumbles and I can only sense a slight bit of disappointment.
I only want to care for him and do it on his terms, I wouldn't ever want to over step and bring it up at a wrong time. I especially don't want to be rejected and humiliated, so this way seems easier in my mind.
I hope he understands that too.
"Okay, how about you tell me when you want to and then I'll surprise you? It could be that day or a week from then." I suggest and he's soon turning to look at me, ignoring the road and he smiles.
"That sounds good." He says with a nod.
"So, uh, where's this restaurant? Where we going?" I'm hungry and food is the only thing on my mind right now.
"It's not far, fifteen or twenty minutes away." He answers me and I hum, looking down at my hands nervously, picking at my sore, broken nails. They're all gone, either been bitten off in an anxiety attack or taken off because they looked patchy after most of them being ruined. "What happened to your nails?"
"Um, they just fell off, I guess they weren't as good this time." I suck at lying and Caleb can see straight through every one of my lies, so it's not a surprise when he looks over at me a little worried.
"I need to do mine again, we could go to a store and buy some paint? We can match." He suggests, looking past my faux explanation.
"Yeah, that sounds good." I'm thankful for that, my nails have been distracting me lately, giving me bad flashbacks and memories of the anxiety attacks I've had that caused them to look so horrible.
"We'll do that after dinner though, you're hungry and I don't want you to starve, angel." Good. I can't cope any longer without food and now I know it's Italian, that need for food has only strengthened. I want pizza.
"Thank you." I chuckle lightly.
"You look really good tonight." He compliments as his eyes lock onto my shirt, especially at my chest. He really should be looking at the road right now. "Red suits you."
"Are you going to rip this too?" I question. It seems like a joke as I ask this but it's a valid question. It seems like I can't own anything red around Caleb.
"No, that looks easy to get off you."
"Wow." I scoff with a roll of my eyes.
~~
"You're really quiet. What's wrong? Are you okay?" Caleb pulls me from my thoughts and I look up at him and then at the road. It's more than dark now and we're on the freeway.
In the most convincing way, I smile, "I'm fine."
"Something's happened, hasn't it?" He presses and I let out a small sigh, looking out of the window for only second before looking back at him.
"Babe, I don't want to talk about this with you tonight, I wanna have fun. Tomorrow, I'll tell you tomorrow." It's a promise. I can't speak on anything negative tonight, after therapy and how stressful that was, I just want to relax.
"We can still have fun, but I assure you, I won't be thinking about anything else until you tell me what's up."
"I'm fine." I repeat and he rolls his eyes with a groan, obviously not believing me. I mean, I don't believe anyone who replies with fine as a response, so I can relate to that. "What do you want me to say? I don't want to ruin this."
"Ruin, what? Our date? We're still going on this date whether you tell me or not, I just want to know why your hands look like that, why your legs are shaking, why you're unbelievably quiet and why you're obviously lying to me."
"Babe." I deadpan and he flashes his eyes over to mine.
"What? I'm your boyfriend, you're supposed to trust me."
"I do trust you!" I trust him more than anyone...
"Then, tell me what's wrong. What's happened? You won't ruin tonight, I promise, you would never, just tell me, please, baby."
"It's my anxiety." I break into his wants, "It's just really bad right nowadays and I hate it. I wanted to tell you, but everything has been so busy and stressful, I just... didn't want to, I guess."
"Your anxiety." He repeats in a low tone. "When did this start? Like, how long have you felt bad for? Has it always been... this bad?"
"I- I don't know." I shake my head.
"It started when I hurt myself, didn't it?" He sighs with a nod as if he was so certain. It's plainly coincidence that it all started around then because no matter how much that night effected me, it didn't cause the bad feelings I have now, nor the anxiety. It was the phone call that triggered all this. "Fuck, this is all my fault."
The realization I hear in his voice hurts more than anything, "No, what? Don't say that. It isn't anyone's fault. My anxiety is eating at me for no reason other than my own problems. It's nothing to do with you, I promise."
"So, it just started miraculously at the same time where you saw me in that state?"
"Yes, I mean, no. Like, oh, for fucks sake." I stress, running my hands through my hair. "I wasn't exactly thrilled with what happened - I don't think anyone would be. I was freaking out and I did have a few bad moments because of it, but it wasn't because of my anxiety, it was totally separate. It's mentally in my head, it's because of me, no one else. It's just kinda bad right now."
"I need to... shit, what did you mean by bad? Like how bad?" He looks so guilty, like he's at fault, which he isn't, at all.
"I'm... um, I'm having like panic attacks every day, sometimes once, sometimes more." I admit, holding back on the details.
"Fuck." He mutters, laying his hand at my thigh and squeezing it to comfort me.
I bite down on my lip, stopping it from trembling and I look back at my hands, "My nails, they uh, I ruined them in an attack and after, well, I got upset about it and decided to take the rest off. But it's fine, I'm fine. I'm seeing a therapist about it."
"You are?"
"Yeah." I nod before looking up at him. "I don't know if it'll help, it just kinda made me feel worse to be honest, it was a lot."
"It will help." He assures me quickly, squeezing my thigh again. "Babe, you need to promise me something."
"Yeah?" I perk up, wanting to hear more.
"Anything, do anything. Just promise me you won't cope the same way I did, please don't."
"I won't." I shake my head. "I've thought abo-"
"It's not worth it." He tells me as his cups my jaw. "I know you're in pain and I'm sure you're terrified, but a life long commitment to scars isn't worth it. You hear me? Don't screw it up like I did."
"You're driving, can you look at the road please? You're making me feel nervous." I mumble a false excuse, feeling uncomfortable under his attention.
"Babe-"
"No, I don't wanna talk." I shut him down, laying my head to the side, facing away from him, staring out of the window.
"It's okay. I'm sorry, we don't have to talk anymore." He squeezes my thigh again and I let out a shaky breath. "Just calm down, you're safe."
"I can't... I can't calm down. Can you open the window for me?" I push both my hands down at my thighs, stopping my legs from bouncing. "Baby, I'm sorry, I need you to open the window, I can't breathe."
"Wait a second, angel. Fuck." He curses under his breath at the latter and I'm soon seeing the landscape outside us narrow in as he pulls over. He's pulling over?!
"What are you doing?" I panic, looking to him and then back at the window beside me.
"Helping you." He simply says, putting his car in park and then lets the window down beside him, leaving mine shut, keeping the noise of traffic to a minimum. "Come here."
"What-"
"I want to cuddle my girlfriend and calm her down, now come here, let's calm down and breathe." He puts his arms out and I let out a shaky breath.
"We're going to get into trouble." I mumble, but still, I take my seatbelt off and do as he says, not really caring about what I speak of.
"No, we won't." He settles his hand on my lower back, pulling me closer to him. "You're okay, you hear me?"
"I'm okay." I lay my head on his shoulder, settling down in his lap. "I'm okay."
"You are." He kisses the side of my head. "Everything will be okay."
I stay silent in his arms, letting those words sink in and hit me. I believe them but I don't see it, I want it to be true now, but it's just not happening.
"I don't deserve you." I whisper, merely to myself, not really expecting him to hear, never mind wanting him to.
"You do." He tightens his grip on me, the pressure around me body comforts me and starts to calm me. "You deserve everything and more."
"Fuck." I let out another shaky breath, trying my hardest to steady my breathing.
"Name things with me." He brings up, rubbing small circles on my hips as he does.
"Hmm? What do you mean, angel?" I already feel exhausted. I wanted tonight to be good too. What did I do...
"Tell me the names of the One Direction members."
I don't question his motives again and start to list off, "Harry, Niall, Liam, Louis... and Zayn, even though he left, but we still count him."
"Zayn left?" He asks almost cluelessly and I groan, watching the trees move in the wind from outside the window.
"Do you not know anything?" I mutter under my breath, becoming more distracted by him and instantly feeling more relaxed by the second.
"Not really." He shakes his head against me, chuckling lightly. "Harry's my favorite."
"Niall's mine." I pull back, sitting up and I give him a smile.
"You feeling better?"
"A little." I admit. I still feel shit, in fact, I feel fucking awful. I hate this, but I feel better being in his arms. "But I still ruined this."
"You haven't ruined anything, will you stop saying that?" He's so confident with that and I hate it because in my mind, I've ruined this.
"My makeup is ruined." I mumble. It's stupid to point out, but I worked so hard on looking good for him tonight.
"You look perfect, shh, shh, shh, it's okay." He wipes under my eyes clean. "What's going through your little head right now? Tell me, angel."
"I went to see your mom." I bring up randomly. She seems to be the only thing in my mind lately, I'm constantly thinking about her and her decisions. It's not right, I know that, but I can't help it.
"What do you mean?" He shifts beneath me, probably feeling uncomfortable with the information and I purse my lips.
"I went to church and I talked to a candle, I pretended I was talking to her... it helped a little bit, I don't know." I sound so stupid.
"Did she say anything back?" He rubs my lower back softly and I'm surprised that he isn't confused or weirded out with what I did.
"No." I bite down on my lip. "She blew the candles out for me though."
"Yeah?" He smiles and I nod slowly, looking down between us at his lap.
"Yeah, it was cool."
"What did you two talk about?" He urges me to carry on as soon as my mood dips back down to being silent.
"You." I tell him, "And my mental health too, I kinda rambled to her."
"She would've liked that; she was always there if anyone needed to talk, she liked being the one that helped." He kisses my cheek. "Even at her worst, she was there, she was helping."
"I said that I wanted to be with her." I admit lowly, it almost being a whisper.
"What do you mean by that?" He asks and I shrug. I know exactly what I meant but admitting it to him is another struggle and thing to do. "Baby, what do you mean?"
"I just want this feeling to leave, Caleb."
"You want to die?" That question. The question I've let circle my mind so much the past few days. And the thing is, I don't even know the answer to it.
"I don't know. I love my life, I'm so fucking happy, like the most happiest I've ever been in my life." I rush out, wanting to get that point across before I explain further. "But there's times where living is so hard and I'm just tired now, I'm tired of fighting."
I watch as his heart breaks in front of me and eyes glaze over at my words. I don't think he realized it was this bad. I don't blame him either - I didn't tell him, I regret that.
He gulps down the obvious knot in his throat, "Death can't be your only option for that."
"I don't... I don't see another way out." It's true and it's so fucking painful to have that thought and be living it.
"Therapy, therapy will help. You don't need out, angel, you just need help." He cups both my cheeks and a small sob escapes him. "This hurts so fucking much, I hate that I can't help you."
"You help me by just being here, you have no idea how much you help me." It's true. I wasn't lying when I said he was saving me. Without him, I don't know what I'm doing here.
"Hey." He wipes my eyes again, composing himself as he does as well, "I don't want to leave you tonight, can I stay at your place?"
"Babe, I'm not going to do anything stupid, I promise, I aren't-"
"You just told me that you feel like dying, I'm not leaving you alone." He tells me sternly, "I'm staying, yeah?"
"Mhm." I nod and then look outside the window to my right, seeing the trees and then to my left where the busy traffics causes me to scare slightly.
"What do you wanna do? We can go on this date, try and forget all this, or we can go home and cuddle, stay like this and relax?" He's giving me options and no matter how much I love the sound of the latter, I want to continue on with the night.
"I wanna go on the date, I don't want to ruin-"
"When will you believe me when I say you're not ruining this?" He cuts me off, rubbing the bottom of my back.
"I'm sorry." I bow my head, fiddling with my fingers and nails.
"Niall's cute, don't you think?" He changes the subject, picking up on how uncomfortable I am and I chuckle a little, looking up.
"I love him." I smile, wiping my face myself this time. "He reminds me of you."
"He's blonde and that's it, how does he remind you of me?"
"I'd let him fuck me." I shrug shamelessly and he lets out a loud laugh, shaking his head.
"I'd let him fuck me too."
"And he's kind, he's smart, he's got a great personality and he's funny... I think you're all those things, so I don't know, I love Niall anyway but I guess, it just makes sense."
"When we get home we should watch him, is there like a movie out somewhere? I could download it for you. I wanna get on your obsessed level."
"I'm not obsessed, I'm just passionate." It's a weak point to back myself up on, but it's true! I used to be obsessed, but now I'm just passionate on the subject.
"Mhm, keep telling yourself that." He says and I roll my eyes, raking my fingers through my hair as I let out a heavy breath. "Better now?"
"You stopped me from panicking so yes." I say, "But I'm still a little weird, I won't lie. Everything - the anxiety, it needs to settle down."
"So, Niall and Harry, those are the people you'd cheat on me with?" He brings up and I shake my head, giggling.
"No, I would never, not even if I had a chance." I tell him, "Do you know how awkward I am? They'd hate me, I'd never be able to see the light of day again."
"And that's the reason why?"
"It's not cheating if we talk about it." I muse his words from before and he rolls his eyes, kissing my cheek again. "I'm your girlfriend, I'm yours now."
"Hmm, you are." He murmurs, "But what am I? You claim I'm your boyfriend, yet I keep hearing daddy."
"Caleb, no." I hop off his lap, moving the fastest I have ever in a long time. I refuse to talk about this with him! Not happening.
"I remember when you nearly called me daddy when I fucked you on that table, you were so fucking hot." He tells me as if he's remembering back, picturing it even. Why is he doing this? "I can't believe I fucking cut you off and didn't let you call me it sooner. Obsessed now, angel."
"Caleb, we aren't doing this right now, shut the fuck up." I refuse to have this conversation, especially with how I felt just a few moments ago. This conversation isn't happening. Nope. "Caleb!"
And finally, he listens and turns to me with a smile, "Yes?"
"Please, stop." I practically beg him, "You're embarrassing me again, and yes, I may be mentally unstable, but I can still flaunt my body to tease you for punishment."
"Did I take your mind off your worries?"
"Wait, what do you mean? Huh?" I'm so confused.
"I just want you to be happy and relaxed and if it means I have to tease you about our little daddy situation to get a smile on your face then so be it." Sneaky little bitch.
I love him for things like this. He's an idiot, of course, but I love him because of that. He's just switched and turned my entire mood upside down.
A smile grows on my face and I'm instantly bowing my head to hide that from him. He knows just how much I needed that small, yet very annoying distraction.
"You're so stupid." I mutter, rolling my eyes as I shake my head. Fuck, he's amazing, he really is.
"Hey, look at me." He grabs my attention quickly with the change in tone – the tone that sends goosebumps up and down my body and butterflies soring in different places. "I just got hard to make you happy, don't be rolling your eyes at me."
"It is not your fault that you started remembering and imagining things, that's on you and your dirty mind." I tell him.
"Whatever." He scoffs, "Are you... are you feeling better now? It was a stupid distraction but you seem calmer."
"Yeah, I promise, I'm good." I say, "I'm sorry about that, I got in my head and thoughts got me panicked."
"It's okay, don't apologize, just talk to me when you feel like that, stay present with me, it'll help." He tells me and I let out a sigh.
"You're not always here though and I don't ever wanna depend on you, that's not what I wanna do." I stress this more than anything.
I have always been the person that cares for people and I like it that way, but when it comes down to me needing anyone, I hate it. I hate feeling like dead weight, like I'm a waste of space and not valid for some help.
Can't forget to mention, Caleb isn't exactly in the healthiest mind set right now and I don't ever wanna be at fault for worsening that.
I would fly to the moon and back from him - literally, if it merely meant he could wake up happy for just one day. I should welcome that back with open arms when he wants the same but somehow, I feel bad.
I want to try though, I'm getting better at accepting help from those around me.
It's progress.
"I will say this a million times over if it means you understand, I would give up everything in my life as we speak for you to be happy. A little conversation here and there, a move marathon or random dates to keep your mind occupied isn't at all gonna affect me in a bad way, please believe me."
"Okay." I nod weakly before letting my eyes wander his car and then outside, "We should start driving again before the passing cars think we're doing something we shouldn't."
"And what would that be?" He trails off like he has no clue in the word as to what I'm intending.
"Sex." I deadpan, looking straight in his eyes.
"Hmm, okay."
~~
I look ahead as we enter the parking lot, staring at the restaurant in front of us. It's very private and secluded. It looks fancy.
I don't think Caleb understands the meaning of the words casual and comfortable because this certainly seems to be the opposite of both of them.
The parking lot is full of cars with just a few spaces free and the restaurant is packed of customers, people flooding in and out of the place in elegant sexy dresses and suits.
I'm so fucking thankful that I didn't go with the sweats like Caleb proposed. What was he thinking bringing me here? If I wore a hoodie here, I think I'd set on fire with one step into this place.
"Caleb." I mumble in slight surprise. I'm self conscious and doubting myself. I don't fit in here, especially tonight.
"Yeah?" He smiles over to me.
"I'm so underdressed, people are gonna stare at me and think I'm so weird, I should've worn a dress." I let my worries speak for themselves.
"You're beautiful." He cups my jaw, "If people are staring at you it's because you're the most stunning one there, not because of what you're wearing."
"Are you sure I look okay?" I check over with him. He looks amazing tonight. He's wearing black jeans, the same style as he wore last Saturday, and a cute little grey sweater vest, probably hiding one of his long sleeves.
"I once came here hungover, wearing just sweatpants and no shirt. The owners are actually super sweet and still served me, even put a drink on the house for me too." I don't know if he's telling the truth or just trying to make me feel better but it lifts my worries anyway.
"You came to a restaurant hungover, basically half naked?" I question with a laugh. This is too good to be true.
"What can I say? I love pasta." He shrugs shamelessly.
"It looks beautiful." I look ahead of us. The whole building is black and it gives off a sexual vibe to it and with the ominous lighting on the restaurant floor, it only makes that idea more prominent. "Is it all like that inside?"
"Yeah, it looks dark but I assure you it's not, not when you're inside anyway, it kinda fits with the whole theme of it all. The bathrooms are colored though with LED lights, male's red, female's purple and the multi-gender one is green." He informs me, "Wanna have a look later?"
"Are you going to be good?" I turn it back around on him.
"For you? I'll always be good." That's the answer I love and want from him always.
It's not until we actually get out of Caleb's car and I'm squeezing his hand in mine, when I approach the building and see what restaurant this place is.
There's fairy lights hung from the ceiling and small lamps in the middle of tables which gives off a cute vibe to the place, but once my eyes search the walls, my breath is knocked out of me all at once.
There's so many bodies.
Canvas' after canvas' litter the wall, all different shapes and styles, showing off the artwork of some very talented people.
It looks lifelike.
Men together, women together, couples in general, couples of more than two, all drawn and painted in a sexual nature, showing off the different sex lives.
This is definitely not a place for children.
"What the fuck?" I mutter to myself and then I look over at Caleb, more confused that I ever have been. "Caleb?"
"Cool, huh?" He kisses my head so innocently and I frown, looking up at him.
"Is this a sex place?" I whisper, trying to be discreet but obviously failing.
"It's a restaurant." He corrects and I nod slowly, trying to believe him.
But for some reason, I don't. This building can't be just a restaurant. People are coming out of this place looking very happy, and I don't think it's just the food that would leave such an effect on someone.
"With an underground sex dungeon." He adds on quickly after and I gawk at him in shock, my jaw literally falling open.
"You-"
"But we are here just for the food, today anyway, it's actually really good." He says, going for the door but I pull on him, bringing him back to me. "What's wrong?"
"People are having sex in there?!" I am trying my hardest to be quiet, the parking lot not being as empty as I would've liked.
"No, they're downstairs, it's too separate buildings, well, kinda? I don't know, we're just going to be eating today though." He explains. My dirty mind wants to comment on what everyone else is eating, but I'm too confused to even go there right now.
"I'm so fucking confused, why are we here?" I speak my thoughts, wanting to clear everything up before we go in to a building I'm still unaware of.
"Because the food is good and you're hungry." That's it?
"So, you have no intention of taking me down there tonight?" I ask and he shakes his head, taking my hand in his.
"If you want to, we can come back another day, but I just want to have a good night with you." He says and I smile with a little nod.
"Alright."
"Most of the people in here don't go downstairs anyway, we won't be the only ones just sticking to the top floor tonight, okay?" I nod again at his words and he smiles, seeming more than happy with that. "Shall we go in?"
"Wait, have you been here before? Like downstairs?" I'm afraid to ask this, I don't know if I want to know or not.
"Once, it was... Luke's birthday? I'm not sure, but we all came here for a party. I didn't do anything with anyone, you kinda have to bring someone with you and I wasn't exactly into the hookers, you know with my dad and everything? It kinda put me off the whole idea."
"So I won't see any of your ex's tonight?"
"I have one ex and I'm pretty sure he's back in Florida." He deadpans and I roll my eyes slightly. "Now come on, they might run short of pizza sauce if we're too late."
"Yeah, okay." I give him a tight lip smile.
The minute Caleb opens the door, the soft quite sound of pop music can be heard and the divine aroma of different pizza and pasta dishes hits me all at once.
It really is sensory overload in here.
Despite the secrets that lurk beneath my feet, I walk into this building, content and happy here, more than excited to look forward to the night ahead of us.
I'm looking forward to having some nice food and a good conversation with my boyfriend for the first time in what seems like forever. It's time to relax with him and that's what we're going to do.
But there is that side of me - the devil side, that keeps telling me that's not all I want tonight. I want the fire, I want the passion, I want the sex and I want to know what those secrets are below me.
I have a sneaky feeling that one way or another, tonight is the night that I'm going to find out. What's beneath my heals? Where do the red lights dare lead to?
Caleb knows I'm nervous with my hands shaking like I've just climaxed for the hundredth time, especially when we approach the nice people taking orders and placing people at tables, so he kindly talked for the both of us, getting us a table for two out of the way and ordered the food we wanted.
Thankfully there isn't too much people around where we got seated which means we can finally talk openly about things - there's a lot I want to talk about with Caleb tonight, we've never really been on a proper date like this before and there's just so many opportunities I missed with him on past dates.
"What do you think? Do you like it?" He asks, squeezing my hand to comfort me under the table.
"Yeah, I really do." I smile, looking up at the painting behind him - there's two guys in the sixty-nine position. Well then... "Do you wanna do that?"
"What?" He turns to see what I'm looking at before snapping back to me with blushed cheeks.
"So, yes?" I raise my brows at him, more than amused at his reaction.
"Maybe I shouldn't have brought you here." He mutters under his breath, seeming quite embarrassed at the painting I pointed out and I giggle.
"Maybe." I pick up the glass of water before taking a sip.
He turns again, looking at the painting and then frowns, "Do you want to?"
"Well, I don't have a cock so probably not, no." I deadpan and he groans, picking up a glass of water for himself.
"Don't fucking say that, you're too precious to ever say that." He says before taking a sip of water.
"You just asked me if I want to sixty-nine, how am I precious?" I truly wonder his thought process on me. "Also to answer your question from before, yes, I would but I don't think it'd be any good."
"And why's that?"
"Because I can barely do a good job at getting you off as it is, how am I going to do that while you pleasure me?" He only shrugs at my question.
"We'll figure it out." He says, "And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. You wanna try everything, don't you?"
"Mhm." I nod, looking over at the far corner of the room, seeing arrows leading to somewhere, "Maybe we can do the orgy sooner than we thought."
"Not happening." He's stern with these words, pulling my gaze back to him and I groan.
"You're such a parent, you always spoil everything, like why do you have to be so fucking- ugh." I huff in my seat and he just watches me with an amused smile.
"Is that just a nicer way of calling me daddy?"
"No, it means you're no fun." I say and he shifts in his seat, reaching forward and I soon feel his hand smooth up my thigh, finding its way to my core.
"I'm fun." He tells me, running his fingers up and down my center, my jeans being the only thing that's stopping him from feeling how wet I am. Damn it.
"Are you going to let me cum?" I ask and he smirks, shaking his head. "Then, you're not fun."
"A garlic bread, a portion of fries, a cheese pizza and a pasta bolognaise." The waitress comes over to us with a tray of food and I kick Caleb's hand away, holding up my glass of water to my lips once more to calm the burning in my cheeks.
"Thank you so much." Caleb smiles at her as the food gets neatly placed out on our table.
"Yeah, um, thanks." I squeak out and Caleb looks over at me, loving this. I'm so fucking awkward, it's ridiculous.
Arrogant prick.
"Would you like anything else?" She asks us both, looking between us and I sigh slightly. I want ketchup.
"Can we have some ketchup for my girlfriend, please?" Caleb asks for me and I look up at him in slight shock. He just... oh my god, if I wasn't in love with him already, I certainly am now. Is it possible to fall for someone more than once?
"Thank you." I mouth the words to him and he nods, gesturing that he understands me.
"Yeah, of course." She smiles, walking away from us and I take another glance around the restaurant before keeping my gaze on Caleb. He's the only thing I want my eyes on tonight.
"You didn't have to do that." I mumble, feeling quite embarrassed that he had to speak for me in the first place, yet I'm more than thankful for it.
"Yeah, I did." He nods, "You okay?"
"Just a little nervous."
"My little mouse." He smiles and I soon meet the action, remembering back to when he used to call me that.
"You haven't said that in a long time." I muse.
"Hmm, thought I might bring it back." He shrugs his shoulders, looking down at the food. "What do you want? Pizza or pasta first?"
"Pizza." I pick up a slice and as I do his eyes don't leave me as he watches me take the first bite. "Don't watch me."
"I just like to know that you're eating." He mumbles, taking a fry and putting it in his mouth, only now does he stop looking at me.
"What do you mean?" I frown.
"Nothing, you just haven't eaten today, I was just worried that you were getting ill again." He tells me and I'm instantly rolling my eyes, "What? Are you? Are you getting ill?"
This is where he pisses me off and I'm in an utter confusion battle in my head. Why now, of all times, is he bringing up my eating disorder?
He's never once really talked with me about it before, because surprisingly it's not that big of an issue in my life anymore, and now as I'm struggling with other things, he decides now when we're on dare that's it the right time.
I hate talking about my life anyway, especially my problems and as I look around, I see ears – ears listening. I don't want my issues to be the main topic of conversation today. I don't want my boyfriend to become my therapist, that's not fair for either of us.
Why is he bringing this up now?
"I eat more than you." I point out, "And I have eaten today! Where did you get that information from? I ate a big breakfast that Leah cooked, I had fruit for lunch and a bite of Liam's pasta, and you told me yourself to wait because you was taking me out for dinner. Yes, I'm hungry, but that's normal, you need to stop worrying about me. I'm fine now."
"Don't start with 'fine' because I don't think I'll ever be able to believe anything you say when you tell me that. You say you're fine and then you tell me you've thought about killing yourself. How can I believe you now?"
He's really starting this now.
"I didn't say- Caleb." I groan. I'm so frustrated and annoyed. "This is totally different and you know it. I haven't suffered with my eating disorder for three years, I eat more than any normal person would because of my recovery. Relapsing hasn't even entered my mind in like... I don't know, ever! I asked you to order all this food, believe me if I was starving myself or binging, I wouldn't have gone so expensive."
"I said I was gonna pay." He mumbles, taking the wrong information from my whole ass speech. What the fuck?
"You don't get it, do you?" I ask and he looks up at me, staring into my eyes. "I don't fucking bring up every time you've shaved your face, if you've hurt yourself again. That's called trust. I fucking trust you and it's not even been a month, yet you bring something up from almost four years ago. You weren't even in my life then, it's none of your business."
"How is your health not my business?" He asks, his tone now loud enough I'm sure people can hear around us and I'm left speechless. Are we actually arguing on a date? "You want to know everything about my past and you know it. You fucking love being able to save people and let them cry on your shoulder, but you don't let me - your boyfriend, just comment on something so little because I was worried."
"I don't care about your past." I mumble a lie. Yes, I do, I want to know everything and I want to help him. Everything he says is true.
"I almost died... twice in fact." He drops a bombshell on me and I widen my eyes in shock. "There, there's that look. You want to know why and how. There's so many questions spiraling in your head right now and I'd be stupid enough to answer every last one of them for you. Yet when I ask one simple thing, you snap and close off from me. It's not fair, Moni."
"I don't close off, I'm just... I don't know, I'm awkward about things."
"Then relax and trust me, please just trust me with this."
"Okay, fine. I'll tell you some things, ask me whatever."
"Your mom, she's a bad person. Has she hurt you?" That's a question I never expected and I'm instantly biting on my lip, looking down at my food.
"Um, I don't know. No, she didn't, not really." I don't even know the answer to his question either.
"I don't know everything but I know she made you do things you didn't want, she made you pray and she took the first person ever person you liked away from you. That's not good, Moni. When I saw your face when you saw me leaving on Sunday, I knew then, I knew something had happened. You were so scared, I saw it. I was so ashamed of myself that I had to ever leave you and that I did without hesitation in the moment." He tells me. "Can you tell me? What else did she do?"
"I don't... babe, there's people here, I don't want you to get mad." I shake my head, feeling nervous with that.
"This is a date, like you said and I want to get to know you. I know you as a person, but I want to know what you went through. I won't get mad, I promise you, I might look mad, but I won't do anything." He promises me, picking up a fry, "Here, open your mouth."
"You wanna know everything?" I take the fry in my mouth, eating it. The food here is great, I have to say. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. Am I gonna tell him?
"If you're comfortable, we don't have to do it all tonight." He says, "But remember, no one's listening, let's eat and you can talk to me about it, at your own pace though."
"Okay." I pick up the slice of pizza again, taking another bite. "I haven't told anyone, you're the only person that will know."
"I know, it's okay." He assures me.
I put down my pizza, suddenly losing my appetite. "She helped me."
"Helped you do what?" He asks. I'm glad he's asking question, it's helping me through this. What we're doing, him finding out my past, it's what I've been wanting to do for a while now, I just never got the nerve up to actually tell him.
"She'd help me starve, stop me from eating so I wouldn't make myself throw up. She basically turned one eating disorder into another for me." I look down at the floor, not wanting to see him when I admit this. "I don't think she did it out of hate, but she did it. She'd take me to church and leave me there for a couple hours until I was over it, or whatever."
"What?" His tone is voice makes my eyes snap up. He sounds so shocked and so sad.
"She thought if I was close to God, it'd solve my problems. It'd happen basically every weekend when I was like twelve or thirteen, but when I got better, when I started seeing a therapist and I started my recovery, she stopped."
"Baby." He murmurs, taking all this in.
"Didn't expect that, did you?" I laugh stiffly, picking up my pizza, trying to ignore the guilt and anxiety that eats at me. "So, yeah. I don't know, I wouldn't really call it abuse, but that happened."
He looks down and then back up at me, "I don't know what to say, fuck, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."
"It's okay, I wanted to tell you anyway." I shrug slightly, "You okay? I know it's a lot."
"How did you survive that?" Honestly, I have no idea.
"I don't know, I didn't really care about not eating in the first place and I had water, she always made sure I had water with me."
He shakes his head, "Fuck, I'm going to kill her, baby. I'm not getting mad here, I promised you, but fuck."
"She only did it to help me." I tell him.
"She didn't help you, she made it worse, you have to see that." He cups my cheek with his right hand, his left gripping at my knee to comfort me. "You needed to eat and she helped you crave the feeling you wanted, that's sick, angel."
"I'm sorry, I know." I mutter under my breath a pointless apology. I already know I have nothing to apologize for but it's involuntary, it's like I have the need to do it and can't control the words that fall from my mouth as I blurt out the meaningless phrase.
"Did she do anything else?" He looks like he's bracing himself for more and it hurts that what he does know is just the tip of the ice berg of what my childhood was.
"She made dad shoot my animals." I hate the words I speak. I would rather do a year in that fucking closet if it meant my poor pets would've been safe. "Every time I'd slip, like if I skipped dinner or threw up, she'd kill one of my hamsters, sometimes I'd only have them a day or two before they'd be dead. She'd always get me a new one though, always."
"What the actual fuck?" He mutters under his breath. "I'm sorry, I can't believe this. She killed your pets because you were mentally ill? You couldn't help how you coped!"
"Baby, shush, please, be quiet." I hush him, "And I deserved it, I was hurting everyone, in that moment, I understood."
"She really has you brainwashed, doesn't she? None of this is okay, angel. None of it. You never deserved any of this, you just needed help."
"But I'm away from that now, I'm away from her, I'm away from him, I'm happy." I nod slightly at the truth. I'm so fucking thankful that I got into college and left when I did, I don't know where I'd be if it meant I had to stay there.
I can't believe I almost missed this out - for so many months I hated the idea of college, but I think deep down I was scared, scared that my eyes would open; just like they are now and see the truth.
The fucked up ugly truth.
"What happens after college? Are you going back?" He asks me. He looks nervous and almost scared as he waits for my answer.
"I haven't figured that out yet." I say, "I don't know what I want, I don't know anything."
"What do you mean? What don't you know?" He urges more questions. I like this, I like that he's the one that's asking. It's making this so much easier. I'm comfortable.
"I had everything thought and planned out for me, so now I don't know what I want for myself. I've never had to think or make decisions." Now this is what scares me. "I aren't even a person, Caleb, I'm like a character in my moms fucked up game and she gets to control my next move, and I'm that fucking worthless that I'm just going to wait for her to tell me what I want. I don't want anything and it's fucking terrifying."
"You can make your own decisions, baby."
"Oh, yeah? I haven't made any decisions ever in my life. I swear, I'm just living at the point, following peoples orders." I'm being dramatic but now as I think about it, it's terrifying how much of my life that I chose wasn't my choice at all.
"You decide things every day. You decide what you want to eat for every meal. You decided to go to school and change that. You decided and went to a sex shop for your own pleasure because that's what you wanted in that moment. You decided on that beach all those weeks ago that you wanted to kiss me back." He lists off, making my doubts to weaken. "You decide things every day, don't say you don't want anything and can't do things for yourself, it's not true."
"I'm scared though." I let out a sigh.
"Why? Are you scared of the future?" I think that's obvious. Isn't everyone?
"I guess, I can't exactly work in a coffee shop my whole life." I shake my head, feeling the stress take over my body. I have too many emotions when it comes down to talking of myself and for some reason, it's never good.
"Do you wanna know what I wanna do?" He asks and I smile brightly, hoping for him to cheer me up with his ideas.
"Yeah, what do you want to do in life? Give me wisdom."
"I want to move back to Florida when I finish college and get a house on the shore front like my childhood home. I want to be happy - happy with you. I don't think I want kids, but we've talked about that and maybe we could have a dog, I don't know." He speaks of the future so fondly and tears brim my eyes, wanting nothing more than what he wants. "But job wise, just like you, I have no fucking clue what I want to do."
"You don't know?" I question.
"I don't know." He confirms in repeat with a nod. "And that's okay. There's no rush or a time limit, I don't have to figure it out now and neither do you. Please don't worry about it, okay?"
"Okay." I don't wanna sound selfish, but I honestly thought it was just me who had no idea what they wanted to do for their future, but it isn't. That alone has my anxiety and worries decreasing. I'm so thankful for that.
"Do you like the pizza?" He changes the subject and I nod, taking another bite of the beautiful food. Because we are talking, I am eating at the food, but it's just happening slowly.
"I love it, thank you for bringing me here." Tonight was such a surprise, I honestly expected that after our phone call, I would get a shower and then maybe get some takeout with my friends, probably ending the day with a trashy movie. This has been amazing, even if we've had a few lows along the way, I've enjoyed tonight.
He sighs, "I feel really bad, I'm sorry about everything, I shouldn't have forced it out of you, I knew you weren't ready, I should've waited."
"You didn't force me." I assure him. "I want to talk about everything that happened to me, but honestly... honestly, I didn't think anyone cared, so for so many years I've just hid it all away, I never thought I could ever tell anyone."
"You can tell me anything and everything, I will always care about what you have to say. You can trust me, yeah?"
"What do you wanna know?" I nod my head slightly, taking the bowl from in front of him and I go to scrape some of his pasta onto my plate – yes, I'm a cheeky little bitch, but the pasta looks sexy as fuck, too sexy to ever be left alone.
"Your father. You said he killed your animals, but has he done anything else? Is he as worse as her?" His questions hurt my heart and I bow my head.
"Can we eat? I'm starving, well, not starving, but you know." I ramble lowly and he nods, noticing my discomfort. I want to tell him, I do, but remembering back to everything is gonna be hard, I need to eat and think for a second.
"I got fired." He brings up and I choke on my poor pasta. I didn't hear that right, surely. "Shit, are you okay?"
"What?" I pick up the glass of water, taking yet another sip to calm my stupid ass body down. Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with me? I hate choking, it's so fucking stupid and embarrassing.
Like food, just go down the hole you're supposed to, I don't want you in my lungs.
"I obviously had that week off when I relapsed, that alone they didn't like, and when I came back, I found out they had changed the uniform rules and didn't like that I wanted to wear a long sleeve under the shirt. They ended up seeing my arms and thought it would be unprofessional of me to be seen like that, especially delivering food to people's houses."
"They can't... they can't do that! What the fuck?" I shake my head, "That's not fair."
"It wasn't exactly the best situation, babe. Even if they didn't fire me because of what they saw, I still wouldn't have been comfortable working with my arms out for everyone to see."
"I fucking hate people so much." I mutter under my breath and he chuckles, looking more than amused at my words. Well, at least this time he's not chastising me on my choice of words.
"I'm going to start surfing again, I think." He changes the subject again, calming my mood down again.
"Yeah?" I look up at him from my food and see his hopeful smile. "Well, that's amazing, I've always wanted to see you out on the waves."
"I'd have to start next year, maybe march? To start training and get the water temperature up, it's too fucking cold to start now even if I wanted to." He speaks so passionately about this. "But for the meantime, I got a new job. It's not long term, I'm covering for someone who's on maternity leave, but it gives me six months, so it fits perfectly for me."
"Where at?" This is amazing. I'm so proud of him.
"Just at this law place." He mumbles with a shrug, looking quite shy when he tells me this. My little shy boy.
"That's so good, baby." I take his hand atop the table to assure him.
"It's super fancy." He nods, seeming more comfortable with telling me this. "I went to check it out on Monday, it's actually a really nice place. I have my own office and everything."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Want me to take you on my desk, pretty girl?" He asks and I bite down on my lip, laying back to see him. I should be surprised at his words, but I'm not. That thought alone was circling my mind since he mentioned his office.
"Maybe." I cross my arms over my body, seeing surprise flash over his face.
"And, I have keys. You know what happens when I get my hands on keys to places." He smirks and I roll my eyes, pulling myself back to the table. The memory of him taking me to the roof at the coffee shop I work at flashes in my mind and that alone makes me groan. He's so sly.
"You look so happy." I take him in, smiling at how happy he does look. It's a nice sight. After so many weeks of mixed emotions and things that happened to us, it's beautiful to see him like this.
"I really am." He says with a nod, "I start next week, I'm not sure when, my boss is gonna email me, but I don't know, I'm nervous."
"You're going to do great." I cup his jaw and he pouts at me like a child, "What's your job title?"
"I'm just an assistant, I have to answer calls and pass messages onto the important people, it's nothing fancy or anything."
"So, you're the guy that makes everything happen?" I bring up and he shrugs, hiding his smile. "I'm so proud of you, angel, you're going to do great."
His mood soon switches from the happy vibe we set for each other and that worry soon spreads his body. "Can I ask you some more questions?"
"Yeah, if you want to, I'm good." I'm more than comfortable now, I hope that stays like that too. "What do you wanna know?"
"How many pets did your dad... kill?"
"I don't know, over a hundred?" I take a guess, not entirely sure. That number alone flashes in my mind like warning signals, guilt instantly washing over me and I bow my head in shame, only for Caleb to quickly pick me up by the chin. "I just wish I could've stopped and those lives wouldn't have been lost, it was just... it was so hard, I couldn't help it."
"I know, I know." He strokes my cheek and I sigh. "You didn't grieve, did you?"
"No. It's fucked up because after a while, I was used to it. I hate that about myself and I have to live with that. I was letting innocent animals die because of me and by the end of it all, I was so numb, I didn't care. Mom wouldn't let me cry anyways, so after a while I gave up trying to feel anything in reaction to it all."
"I can't fucking believe her." He rakes his fingers through his hair out of pure stress. "She didn't let you cry? I- I hate her. You hate my dad but this is just something else. She should be in jail!"
"No." I shake my head. I refuse that, I don't think I could ever see my mom behind a jail cell. "She's not a good person, I know that, but she's changed, she doesn't deserve prison, it's not that bad."
"If you're sure, then I believe you, but you know, it only takes a call." He speaks sternly, and I look down at my food, pursing my lips. I'm hungry but my appetite has faded. "Do you want to stop? We can stop."
I look around the restaurant as I try to occupy my brain before I say much more, "She didn't bring me my ketchup."
"I can go ask again, but baby, I don't really wanna leave you with the conversation like this." Fuck, I love him. I really don't deserve this, I don't deserve him or this support he has given me.
"It's fine, I don't need it, not really." I mumble, taking a try and then dipping it in the bolognaise sauce.
"My little odd bod." He comments and I smile at that, taking a bite.
Oh... my... fucking... god!
The best creation ever made since chocolate and chips - fries and bolognaise. If an orgasm could be described as food, this would be it.
Ladies, gents and non binary pals, I present to you; a foodgasm.
"Shush, I don't want to take you downstairs but with you moaning over this it's making that a little hard." He whispers lowly to me, like that would change anything about my reaction.
"Try it, it'll probably make you cum." I take another fry and repeat my actions and before he can reply with a short unwanted comment, I bring it up to him and he obeys to me, opening his mouth.
He nods as he eats before swallowing and giving me a little shrug, "It's good."
"It's fucking beautiful, are you okay?" I check in on him and he chuckles at my reaction. I'm hilarious, I know, but I'm being serious. "Weirdo."
"You're the weird one." He grabs some of the garlic bread, handing me a slice and then taking one for himself.
"These pictures are quite... explicit?" I question my word choice, ignoring Caleb's comment as I look over the other walls, seeing the most naked bodies I think I have ever in my life. "It's hot."
"We should get one for your mom for Christmas, she'd love it." At least we can joke about this together. I've been wanting to do that with someone for a while now. Humor is how I cope, as well as silence, and they both work brilliant for me.
"Ooh, we should, it might do me a favor." I take a bite of the garlic bread, even that being as delicious as anything else. I swear, this place is really good for their food. He frowns in confusion at my words and I clock on, swallowing down my food before continuing. "I don't know what I wanna do. When she visited this week, I just... felt so bad around her, I didn't like it so I'm not sure. Do I see her again? Make her happy and everyone else? Do I not? And put myself first? I started realizing how bad life back home was when I started college and seeing her again put that all into perspective for me. I knew it was fucked up but not like this."
"You're seeing her at Thanksgiving next, you have time to figure it out, you don't have to decide on anything right now, you know that, right?"
"I know." I talk with my mouth full as I finish off my piece of garlic bread and he just looks at me with an amused look on his face. "Is this enough proof that I'm fine?"
"Yes." He rolls his eyes and I flash him a tight lipped smile. "How are you? Like is everything okay? What's happening in your head right now?"
"I don't feel much different. What mom did to me, I got over that a while ago. I don't let it effect me anymore, it doesn't as I speak of it right now and that's just how I've coped with it. I know therapy will help with that, I'll probably work through all this with Sarah and have a better, healthier look on it all. I feel better that I told someone, it's like a weight has been lifted." I conclude my thoughts together as he looks over at me attentively.
Something I can't quite believe is the fact that people care. He cares more than anyone I have ever seen in my life and that's crazy to me.
People care.
"Can I talk to you about my dad? Get it all out in the open? I trust you and I know this will just become a conversation for another day and I'm exhausted with keeping it to myself." I ramble as I explain my thoughts and he quickly nods, placing his hand on my knee once more, squeezing it twice for comfort. "You asked if he's worse. In my eyes, I can't tally it. I made myself forget to cope with what he did, I know what he did but I forgot the memories to protect myself. Mentally my mom's fucking me up more, but if I remember what my dad did, I know that's what would fuck me over, you know?"
"Are you sure you wanna tell me? I don't want you to hurt your mind because I want to know."
"No, I want to, if it comes back to bite me in the ass, well, it's my own fault." I shrug my shoulders, "Anyway, my dad... we had a good relationship growing up, I guess. I don't know, what he did, makes me second guess everything. Every situation, he fucked up in his own way and I never understood why. I didn't understand why he wanted it, why he wanted me."
"What the fuck did he do to you?" He spits out. Okay, so he's angry now. I expected that, but now I'm stressing. We're in a restaurant, I need to remind myself of that.
"He would touch me in places that I didn't want him to. He'd do it while we were driving mostly or if he was putting me to bed. Basically when it was just us two. At first... well, I was five so I didn't know any better. I only remember that because this movie came out at the theatre and when I looked back at the dates it as two thousand and six. I was about nine when I figured out that what he was doing wasn't okay and that's when I started fighting back and it got worse."
"What? What do you mean worse? How can it get worse?" He asks in panic, removing his hand off my knee, off my hand and goes to cover his own face, wiping his eyes out of my view.
I have never talked about this and I haven't let myself remember, so getting back into that headspace of that, hurts - it really does. But I need to get this out to him. I need to be strong.
"There was this gala the church threw, it was to celebrate summer and new life, I don't fucking know, it's pointless if you ask me. Dad made me wear a dress and I agreed, it was really pretty and I guess, for some reason I just felt like it'd look good. It had blue flowers on and pink little bows, and for once I felt like a princess. I had so much fun that day, me and mom went around the little bake sales, and I had so many cupcakes, even though she didn't like me eating them." I look around the restaurant hesitantly as I search for my next words. "We took two cars since our family was big, so when mom left with my sisters, I stayed. I would always be with my dad anyway in his car, my sisters never wanted to leave mom. When they left, I think I could still hear the engine of her car before he pulled me into church around the back and raped me for the first time."
"No." He shakes his head as if my words are false. Does he not believe me? That thought is there for merely a second before the tears in his eyes break down his cheeks and my worries are covered in grief. "He did that to you? Him? He-"
"It's fine." I cut him off as I wipe my own cheeks when I soon realize I'm crying too. We must look so stupid at this restaurant right now. "Please, don't make this out to be a big deal. I've got over it, I mean, I think? I'm good now."
"What do you mean don't make it a big deal? It's a big deal! Your father - the man that's supposed to protect you - took advantage of you." He raises his voice slightly and my self conscious thoughts, look around again.
"Please, be quiet, Caleb, I can't." I let my worries spiral me and I hate that.
"But how long ago was the last time?" He asks me and I sit up, thinking for a second. I blank all of it out so it's hard to remember. "How long ago, Moni?"
"Around two months ago." I tell him, and his face turns pale. Just before I left for college. "Mom knew, she knew everything - that's what makes me hate her so much. She protected him over her own daughter. It's sick."
"For fucks sake." He mutters under his breath, falling his head in his hands. "That's like ten years? You had to cope with that for ten years. I don't know what to say."
I don't know what to say either.
I have never told anyone this, not about my mom, not about my dad, not about anything. It's unfamiliar ground and it's terrifying.
I haven't thought on my fathers actions in a while. I try to forget it and have successfully in moments. There's things I don't think I will ever let myself remember but the ones I have failed on seem to haunt me more and more, especially now that I've spoke on it.
They're in my thoughts. He's in my thoughts.
"I don't really keep count but I guess." I mumble as my nerves start to spiral in unfamiliar ground. "I haven't told anyone this before, please don't say anything."
"I won't, I won't."
"I'm really sorry." The heartbreaking revelation comes to mind and my voice cracks as I admit the following. "You didn't take my virginity."
"No, no, no." He rushes out, cupping my jaw with his hands. "I did, I did take it. I took it and kept it in my pocket for you, you know I never empty my pockets."
"Are you sure?" I'm trying my hardest to keep my emotions in check, not wanting to embarrass myself in front of people.
"I'm so sure. He didn't take anything from you, I promise." He kisses my hands and I sniffle, breathing out a breath of fresh air. "You had sex with me, you lost your virginity with me. That's it, angel."
"That's it?"
"That's it, angel, I promise. It's always just been me, that's it. No one else, it will always be just me, okay?"
"But, he went-"
"Baby, it was just me." He cuts me off quickly and I nod. I don't know if he cuts me off to stop the details or to make me feel better but I welcome it more than anything. "What he did wasn't the same, believe me when I say this."
I was just a child. "I believe you."
"Please, I need you, let me hug you, let me hold you." He shifts in his chair and I nod again, quicker this time, almost as if I'm desperate for him.
"Please."
He quickly stands up, moving beside me and falls to the ground, wrapping his arms around my waist and my body collapses against him.
Just feeling his body next to mine is enough to have reality hit me and I'm sobbing uncontrollably in his arms.
I have him. While I have him, everything will be okay. It has to be.
My eyes are stinging from tears so when I open them for a brief second, through my blurred vision I can see that people are staring - staring at us, staring at me.
There's so many people staring.
"Caleb, I don't feel safe. My head, my thoughts, I want to leave."
"Come on, let's get out of here." He tells me before pulling back, and that's when his watery eyes lock onto mine. "I'm so sorry."
"Me too."
Me fucking too.