*TW// SELF HARM, ABUSE, HOMOPHOBIA.
Today's been a drag. Classes started so early for me that I couldn't even spend five minutes with Monica before I left.
She seemed off this morning, but I think she was just tired. She gets like that when she doesn't get more that ten hours and with the late night we had, I wasn't surprised with her being a little groggier than usual.
I've had a full day of classes today, as I know she did too, but not once did we clash in the halls and see each other. We've texted but I miss her.
I'm getting attached already. I promised myself after my last relationship that I wouldn't do this - get so involved with someone so quickly.
But it's hard with Moni, she's so different to anyone else I've met. She makes life easier. She makes me actually look forward to the next day.
She's special.
Even though today's been a long one, classes haven't been too bad, they were all relatively easy and I didn't fall asleep in any which I'm quite proud of. Matt and Leon have been hanging at my waist all day, not leaving me alone, pestering me about another party.
This is the reason why I hate the first month of coming back to college. The boys just use the frat as a party location, and after the first week or two, it gets tiering.
They finally leave me be when I tell them that I'm going for coffee, and since they have no interest with that, I'm finally left alone.
I'm going to see if Monica's working, maybe I can cheer her up a little.
In the midst of my thoughts of her, I forget to watch where I'm walking, I bump into someone. "Watch out!"
His voice is so familiar.
"Tommy?"
"Caleb?" It's him. Why is he here?
Seeing my ex of two years was the last thing I thought I'd be doing today. I can't actually believe what I'm seeing. I didn't even know he was in town.
He's changed so much from when I saw him last. He's put on some healthy weight, maybe some muscle too. He's still got the same sense of style as he did back then. The football shirt and rugged black jeans.
Jesus, it's like I'm seeing a ghost.
"What are you doing here?" I have to ask, I never thought I'd see him again, and now he's at Yale? This is insane.
"Um, well, I'm actually here to see you." He tells me and I swear my eyes pop out of the socket with how much I'm visibly in shock. "Can we talk?"
I look around, seeing familiar faces walk past us up and down the hall. "Not here."
~~
Dad's not home. Thankfully. I don't know why I brought him back here, I guess I'm not quite ready for people in the frat house to know my past yet. Not everyone needs to know that.
"Want a drink? We've got water, soda, tea, cof-" I list off drinks aimlessly, trying to cut the tension and awkwardness in the room.
"Water's good."
I walk away from Tommy, going into the kitchen, and I grab two bottles of water fresh from the fridge, before going back out into the lounge to him. He's just sitting on the couch, like nothing's changed in two years since he was last here.
It's so strange. I truly feel like this a screwed up nightmare that I'm gonna wake up from. I'm going to wake up, Monica's going to be beside and I'm going to have a shitty day at college ahead.
But no, it's real. He's really here.
"I don't know when my dads going to be back, so, uh, I don't wanna be rude or anything, but I just need to know, why are you here? What do you wanna talk about?" I talk to him and he looks over at me with a weary look. We both know what it means if dad comes home.
"Sit, you might need to sit for this." He tells me and I roll my eyes. I just want this to be over with.
"You're not gonna tell me you're dying, are you?" I ask and he scoffs at my comment. "Okay, so? Tell me."
"Your sister." He spikes my interest instantly, I look up at him with every worry rattling my brain. "She contacted me."
"And?" I'm begging to hear the rest of what he has to say. She needs to be okay. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, she's fine. She's in Florida, back near where you used to live with mom." He tells me and I could almost cry with happiness. I've missed her so much. "She's been trying to contact you, so have I, that's why I made the trip. Did you change your number?"
"Fuck." My stupidity is absurd sometimes. "My phone, I lost it years ago now. I just got a new phone, new... everything."
"Well, she's given me her number to pass along to you. She wants to see you." He gives me a screwed up piece of paper and I take it from him, looking down at the scribbled down numbers.
"Did she say anything else?" I ask, missing my sister more than anything.
"She said that she's got some news to tell you, it's not bad or anything, and that she misses you." My heart breaks. I can't believe it. I could've been in contact with her all the time, but my phone got lost, and I stupidly didn't keep the same number.
"God." I huff out the air I'd been holding and I run my hands through my hair.
"If you don't wanna go alone, I could come with you." He offers and I shake my head instantly.
"No, it's okay. I've got... I'm seeing someone." I tell him and he raises his brows.
"Is he good in bed?" Of course that's his first question.
"She." I correct him. "And I'm not telling you that! You're my ex for a reason, I'm not telling you about my sex life."
"Jeez, okay." He holds his hands up, "Didn't think you were quite into women."
"I never gave them a chance, you bagged me at fourteen remember? Didn't exactly have much exploring to do." I tell him and he shrugs his shoulders.
"I'm seeing someone too." He tells me and I nod, encouraging him to say more. "He's really nice, he brings out my fun side."
"You have a fun side?!" I give him faux gasp for effect and he roles his eyes at my ways. "Thank you for telling me about my sister. I'll ring her later."
"You're welcome. It's the least I could do."
We're both cut off from our conversation as we hear a car pull up outside the house and we both stare at each petrified. Nothing's changed from us being scared fourteen year olds.
"Back door, leave, now." I tell him and he gets up from the couch.
"But-"
"Leave, Tommy! I'll be fine, go." But it's too late, the second he starts to walk out of here, the door opens and my father catches us both in the same room.
He looks between us, his head moving backwards and forwards.
"What the fuck?" He shouts, slamming the door behind him. "Did I just walk into 2017?!"
"Dad, stop!" I beg of him before this turns into something it really shouldn't. "It's not what it looks like, he's a friend, he just came by to talk."
"That's Tommy. Your faggot friend, don't you play with me." He comes closer to me and I flinch, moving back a step.
"Get out of here!" I yell at Tommy, not wanting him to see this, and yet, not wanting him to get hurt either.
He listens and runs out the back, knowing exactly where all the exits are from the last time he stayed here. I look back at my dad and the rage that covers his face just brings me back to that helpless teenager.
"Just let me explain, please." It's all I want. I don't wanna come away from here with a bloody nose. Or worse.
"Go on then, explain. Why the fuck was here?" He throws his keys at me, them slashing the side of my leg. I pine down in pain, clutching my calf.
"He was on campus, we just came back here to talk, I promise." I can't tell him any more. I will never let him now where my sister is. "I promise, I've changed. I have a girlfriend now, I don't like guys anymore, I'm with her now."
"You never fucking changed, you're still the same little queer your mother raised you to be. You can't exactly blame me for beating on you, you're such a disappointment to her, I only want her to be proud, but no wonder she left, look at you."
"Shut the fuck up!" I bark back at him. "Don't talk about mom like that, she loved me and you know it."
"Oh, yeah?" He cups my jaw and I grimace at his touch, the smell of alcohol on his breath, making me feel queasy.
"You're the disappointment, dad. If she saw you-" I'm cut off with a punch to my face, busting my nose and I quickly cough out a breath, spitting out some blood with it.
"Carry on, what were you saying?"
"If she saw you she'd be-" And again, he cuts me off, punching me in the stomach, winding me so much that I fall to the ground.
"Good day to wear my boots, huh?" He chuckles a dry laugh before kicking me right in the ribs where I double over in pain.
"Dad, stop." I choke out.
"You like that shit, really?" He asks me with a snotty look on his face. "You couldn't even be a good gay, no, you had to be the one to have it up the ass."
"Dad, please. I've chang-"
"Don't fucking lie to me!" He kicks me again and I let out a small sob. He leans down to me, and whispers in my ear. "You're going to burn in hell."
"I'm already there!" I shout in his face and he leans away from me, getting back up on his feet.
"Don't fucking shout at me, Caleb, I'm warning you."
"What? What are you going to do? You've done everything in the book with me. Leave me the fuck alone!" I'm about to sit up again to try to get to my feet before I'm kicked back down.
"Nothing works with you." – kick to my hips.
"I sent you to camp." – kick to my ribs.
"I beat the shit out of you and nothing." – kick to my junk. Ow.
"You're still fucking queer." He kicks my head this time and my eyes fall shut, tears begging to flee.
"If mom saw you she'd be so fucking disappointed." I finally tell him through a struggled choke.
"Join her then. If you fucking love her and hate me so much, join her. I don't know why you're still here with me." He picks me up by the hem of my shirt, standing me on my feet and I sob at his words. He pulls up my sleeves. "Look at your wrists, you're fucking pathetic. At least she fucking succeeded, all you got out of it was some ugly scars and even uglier tattoos."
"Stop." I attempt to pull my sleeves down.
"Look at them, Caleb. Look at what you failed at." He forces the fabric up to my elbow and I let out a tear as I see my scars, some darker than others depending on how deep I cut in the moment.
I'm so ugly.
"If I were you, I'd try and try again until you fucking succeed, no one will ever want you with these, you're fucking disgusting." He lets go of my clothes and I'm quick to cover my arms.
"I can't." I shake my head.
"I never want to see you again. You know where I keep the fucking razors and if you're still here tomorrow, believe me, you won't be for long." He grabs the keys from beside my body and leaves, slamming the door behind him.
I sink to the floor, completely breaking down into sobs. Emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm wiped out.
Pain.
Maybe, dad's right.
Monica hasn't seen my arms and I've tried everything in my power from letting her, but what if she doesn't want me when she finally sees? What happens when she leaves me?
I'm alone again. I'm forever going to be alone.
Holding the bridge of my nose up, I steadily walk to the bathroom, trying so hard not to pass out from the dizziness. It's not long until I see the pack of disposable razors he keeps in here. He doesn't even use disposables, that's how messed up he is.
I want to stop, I do, but everything's so loud. His voice. It's so loud.
My father once told me growing up, that the strongest of men listen to those around them and act on whatever should come from it.
I should listen to him.
I should listen and be with my mom.
My mom will be proud of me if I succeed.
I need to succeed at something.
I need it to stop.
I need to go.