"What the actual fuck!" was the only real thought on my brain for the past couple of weeks since Thor's confession, and him not bringing it up again was greatly appreciated and made me feel like a complete asshole, so I couldn't help but tell him I need some time to gather my thoughts. I was trying to figure out if there was any indicator of Thor viewing me as more than a friend but my blind was coming up with nothing like he never really flirted with me or anything outright that screamed 'hey I'm in love with you' but then again that wasn't how Thor operated. And now that I was completely alone in town since the two people I was close to turned out to be liars, the only companionship I had was Anderson, and if I wasn't taking him on our daily walks or trying to give him treats he wanted nothing to do with me. Most days if I wasn't thinking about the dilemma with Thor I was annoyed with all the flower arrangements Thomas was sending me; like how fucking cliche and since they were paid for the delivery driver refused to take them back so instead they just sat on my porch to wither and die.
I needed to do something and soon because I was missing Thor, but I didn't think it fair to visit him without an answer. I needed guidance and asap.
I grabbed my phone dialing the one person to give it to me straight.
"My baby! How are you? Is that asshole still sending you flowers if you want I can help you write up a restraining order?"
I smiled already feeling my spirits lift at the sound of my mother's voice.
"No it's fine it's just harmless annoying pandering, he'll move on soon enough. But I do have an issue and I need your motherly wisdom." I pulled one of my legs under the other one getting comfortable for a very uncomfortable conversation.
"What's wrong? Do I need to get your father? He's watching some game in the spare room but I can make him pause it."
I shook my head even though she couldn't see it, "No, this is a mother and daughter type of conversation."
"Oh, no are you pregnant." She gasped, I could hear the disgust in her voice, not because of the imaginary baby she conjured up but more because of who his father would be.
"God no, I take my BC regularly ever since you let me go on it at 15," I answered trying to hide my disgust.
"Whew. I mean don't get me wrong I want you to give me a load of grandchildren when you are good and ready, but I'm not trying to deal with no baby daddy drama. Since that isn't what you wanted to tell me let's get to why you did call me."
I sighed wiggling my nose "Thor told me he loved me, wait no scratch that he told me he was IN love with me."
"Yeah, I know dummy." She cackled as if everything I knew hadn't been imploding on me.
"Mooooom! Seriously." I whined, "Why didn't you tell me?"
Because it ain't none of my business until you accept. I mean are you going to accept?" She asked with wonder, and I scoffed at her boldness.
"Seriously? NO! He's my best friend and at this point my ONLY friend. I already had two relationships go down the drain, I'm not adding a third."
"Okay, that's fair. So you're telling me you're going to be okay with him moving on to someone else."
I scrunched up my face at the thought of him being with someone else but quickly shook my head "Of course, all I want is for Thor to be happy."
"I mean according to him you are what makes him happy, so why pass him off to some other woman especially when you know you don't want to."
I laughed at her silliness "What do you mean I don't want to? I was fine when he was dating Sarah."
"Mhmm.. baby girl if you weren't toying with the idea you would of friendzone the boy indefinitely and we would be having a different conversation right now. I mean yeah you were fine with Sarah but at the time you were with that other boy so your thoughts were occupied. Look Lots as your mother I'm going to give it to you straight no shooter. Anybody with eyes can see you to are smitten with each other, I'm sure Thomas knew about Thor's feelings with you since the man looks at you like you can walk on water. And although oblivious to you but very apparent to others you hang on his every word like they are gospel."
"That's because he barely speaks so I want to make sure I don't miss anything!" I clarified trying to do what exactly I'm not sure.
"Don't interrupt. You asked for my wisdom so I'm giving it to you. That's a lie he speaks enough to get his points across and rarely does it warrant the starry eyes you give him. Onto my next point when you are in a room you are constantly looking for him if he isn't close by or checking to make sure he's okay, and before you give me that "he isn't used to people line" he's a grown man that's about 7 feet tall and about 300 pounds he doesn't need you fighting his imaginary battles if he didn't want to be somewhere he wouldn't. Growing up you were always saying you want the love your daddy and I have, but as a child, it's right in front of your eyes. I'm sure you liked Thomas well enough but did you really ever think you were in love with him, did you ever feel in sync with him?" I knew the answer to her questions but I couldn't bring myself to say it.
"Even if I did feel anything for Thor, I just got out of a year-long relationship that ended with me finding him in bed with another woman. I can't just in like that and Thor doesn't deserve to be a refound."
"Trust me if what Thor and you have is what I think it is he isn't a rebound, Thomas was just a placeholder. ANd I'm not telling you to jump back in, I'm telling you don't try to hide your real feelings under the guise of friendship. I'm sure there are quite a few things you and Thor need to hash out before you move away from the friendship stage, from what little a gather there is quite a gap in his history that is unaccounted for."
I couldn't help but nod that was something that had been plaguing my mind for a while Thor knew everything about me but we never spoke about the time between when he ran away from the burning house to when we met in the forest. I tried not to dwell on it too much especially when Thomas had questioned me about how much I knew about Thor because at the end of the day what I knew was he was the man that saved my life and that was good enough for me until he was ready. I mean my mom was right even if I was in love with Thor, which I still wasn't sure about being in a relationship with someone you knew very little about was different than being in a friendship with them.
"I have a lot to think about," I mumbled, and my mom chuckled again.
"You do, I'm 100% sure Thor is willing to wait however long you need, but don't wait too long don't want to let a good thing slip through your fingers. I'm going to let you go and do your thing if you need anything call me. I love you."
"Thank you. I love you too, give dad my love." I hung up, uncrossing my legs and flopping on my couch with a deep groan. "What the fuck am I going to do?"
God of Thunder: Hey, sorry to bug you I was wondering if we could talk? I understand if you don't want to.
"Sir did you sense I was talking about you." I blew out a deep breath looking at my phone.
Me: Yeah, of course, you want to come over to mine, or do you want me to go to yours?
God of Thunder: I'll come over so if you get uncomfortable I can leave.
Me: Should I be scared?
God of Thunder: I don't want you to be.
Me: When did you want to come over?
God of Thunder: Tomorrow
Me: Alright see you then.
*********
Thor and I sat across from each other him loveseat and me on the actual sofa, he refused to look into my eyes as he sat there rubbing his hands over his jeans over and over. I didn't mind as he gathered his thoughts it let me watch him uninterrupted, and he really was a gorgeous man and although everything was currently awkward between the two of us I still felt safe and secure.
He turned to look at me with an expression so pained it startling me.
"So I've been thinking and also I've been talking to Sarah and even your parents helped when I was down there. I know that I'm in love with you there is no doubt in my mind, but I can see why there might be doubt in yours about accepting it and maybe even viewing me the same way I view you. I don't want you to think what I'm about to tell you is me trying to force your hand or sway your decision, but I hope it gives you more insight into me as a person. I always planned on telling you but I could never decide on the right."
"Thor..." I whispered biting my lip, I didn't want to press but he was freaking me out.
"Sorry, I'm talking in circles. I want to talk to you about what went down after everything up until we met and I do mean everything, I mean if that's alright with you." He looked up at me his brows practically touching with how much he was frowning.
"Go ahead I'm listening."
"Okay it isn't all bad but it doesn't start good, if you need me to stop please just tell me."
"Same if you need to take a break just let me know we have all the time in the world.
He nodded "As you know my dad was a drunk piece of shit who used my mom, brothers, and me as his punching bags. The only time we knew peace was when he was gone to cheat on my mom with some woman in the city or when he was blacked out. The days leading up to the-the anyways it had been one of those times, we had snuck into the drive-in, and my mama stole us some candy, and we just felt like normal kids doing normal stuff with our mama; we ignored the looks of disgust and pity on the faces of town people and just had fun. That night he had come home screaming and yelling and we could hear him beating her, but at some point, it just got silent eerily so; usually, we could hear my mama whimpering but this time there was nothing but we assumed he'd just made her pass out it happened from time to time, and she told us to never leave the room to come and save her. So eventually we all just fell asleep, at some point in the middle of the night I woke up to go to the bathroom, right as I was about to leave I heard two shots ring out after my ears started ringing I ran to the bedroom and saw my father holding my mother in one arm while she screamed and tried to break free and the pillow over my sister's face in the other. He was going on about he would see her again in heaven while the rest of us burned and he wouldn't let her suffer, it wasn't until I turned and saw my brother's groaning out in pain that I screamed. They all turned and looked at me and my brother's and mama screamed for me to run, I hesitated for a second before taking off it was then that I finally realized her house had smelled like rubbing alcohol. I could feel my father following after me and I saw the light of fire flicker from our room, but I never turned around until I got to the woods and hid behind a tree. It took less than maybe 5 minutes for our house to engulf in flames and I watched as my father flailed my mother around the yard yelling for me to come out, and not be a pussy. I watched as the cops showed up and tried to calm him down to release my mama, I watched as he-he once she was gone the police continued to try and talk to him, and then suddenly he turned to look at me before shooting himself. I'm sure he couldn't see me as it was too dark but still."
I couldn't the silent sobs that I was letting out, as Thor looked at me well through me I could see he wasn't here with me he was there.
"After that, I ran, and I ran and I ran. Eventually, I made it to the cabin well what is now the cabin back then was just the framework. I'm not sure how long I was out there for but it was a while, I lived off of whatever I could catch so mainly bugs and the occasional wild rabbit; every day I wanted to die and every day I cried myself to sleep when I did sleep blaming myself. Then one day while I was laying there watching the tree sway a figure came over me I was so weak I could barely move my head, so I was helpless as he picked me up. All I remember is waking up in a warm room covered in blankets with someone holding my hand, when I came to I scurried as far up the bed as possible until I realized who it was. She had only taken us to see him once but I remember her telling us he was a safe person when he finally heard what happened and realized I could still be alive headed out to the cabin in hopes I would be there. I stayed with him and his husband on their farm none of it was legal because back then they wouldn't let a gay couple adopt a kid especially a runaway kid they homeschooled me and taught me about agriculture and once I was old enough to do more work on the farm they paid me. When I was 18 once I got my truck and let them know I was going to build the cabin and move there, they helped, and even now whenever I need to sell a goat or two they are who I go to. I only see them every so often, I guess once the cabin was built and I could take care of myself I didn't want to burden them anymore. When I say after I moved out I only left the cabin a few times to go see them I mean it, growing up people were constantly letting me down so I do not need to be around them."
He shook his head finally coming back to me "I want you to know that night where I saved you from those monsters, I had never done that before but when I saw you laying there, something in me broke and it took me back to my mom and I snapped, and I still don't regret it."
"Thor, I- I"
He stood coming over to me and kneeling "Look, I understand if you want me to leave. I'm not good with people nor do I give a shit about them or their thoughts of me but I care what you think. I'm basically a ghost and even my license is fake but I would never do anything to hurt you and if you ever decide to have me I will love you the way you deserve, and if you decide you want nothing to do with me then at least I got to experience true happiness at least once in my life."
"Thor." I wiped at the tears that wouldn't stop streaming down my face "Wow, you are like the strongest person I have ever met, and you deserve to be happy I want you to be happy. I would never push you away but I don't know if I can be what you want me to be, at least not right now."
He pulled me into a hug and I nuzzled my face into his neck he smelled like home but I couldn't take that leap yet I wasn't ready.
"I respect that and I'm just glad you aren't pushing me away." he pulled away from me his smile back to the playful one I had grown used to.
"I could never."