He wished the feeling didn't have to go away so soon
Jisung walked back inside his house to see that both of his parents were still home which was kind of weird. Most of the time they weren't at the house much but for whatever reason, they had been there a lot in the past few days.
"Where's Jisung? I need to make sure he stays in his room so our friends don't see him." He heard his mother say "having a kid is so stressful. We should just kick him out already."
"He might tell people if we did that. It's not worth getting in trouble over. At least he listens to us. Also, he went to a friend's house."
"How the hell did he manage to make a friend? I feel bad for whoever has to hang out with him. Our mistake is causing other people issues now too. I wish I never went through with having him." He heard his mom say as the happiness he felt when he was with Minho quickly went away.
"Me too. He's embarrassing. At least we've managed to keep it a secret from everyone at work. Just annoying that he's constantly here. He also is constantly begging us for attention. Why bother telling us that he loves us when we have made it clear that we want nothing to do with him?"
"Yeah, it would be wonderful if he had the slightest bit of common sense." His mother scoffed.
Jisung didn't want to hear any more of it. He quickly walked past the living room and upstairs straight to his bathroom.
"Jisung, make sure you stay up there!" He heard his mom yell, obviously not caring about him overhearing their conversation. It wasn't anything that she wouldn't have said to his face if they were in the same room with each other for long enough.
I feel bad for Minho too.
I wish they didn't make the mistake of having me either.
I wish they didn't have to deal with me so they could just live their lives how they want to and not constantly feel regretful.
I'm sorry I'm such an embarrassment.
I'm sorry that I still love you even though you both hate me.
I'm sorry that I ruined your lives.
I'm sorry that I'm stupid enough to think that anything would ever change.
Jisung was almost completely zoned out, he didn't realize how many cut's he had made while thinking all of this.
It was a lot. His entire arm was pretty much covered in blood.
Jisung admired it with blurred sight from crying.
All he knew is that he saw red. A lot of red. It made him feel a bit better. He stared at his arm that felt numb.
Is this enough to kill me?
Then no one would have to be bothered by me anymore.
My parents wouldn't have to deal with me.
I may have made 17 years of their lives miserable but at least they could live the rest of it without having to deal with me.
He saw blood dripping onto the floor but he could care less at the moment.
Should I at least thank Minho for making me feel kind of happy?
He won't care Jisung.
Just do it so he doesn't have to deal with you being annoying and freaking crying on him again.
He looked down at his arm again and debated on cutting more. He wanted to be gone but he was still scared. He couldn't bring himself to add any more to he hoped that it would be enough.
He felt lightheaded.
Am I actually gonna die?
He saw the blood on the floor. He thought it was beautiful but he knew his parents would just see it as another mess they have to clean up because of him. If they even bother to come to check on him.
I wonder how long it would take for them to notice that I'm dead if I do die.
He stared at the color he loved too much for who knows how long until his eyes eventually got heavy and he fell asleep.
Asleep.
Meaning that he was still alive.
Not something he was very happy about when he woke up the next day, laying on the bathroom floor covered in blood, most of it dry.
Of course, I couldn't go through with it.
That was the first thing he thought when he opened his eyes with a horrible headache. He felt too weak to move a muscle.
I really can't do anything right can I?
He stayed still for a while until he slowly sat up and saw how much of a mess everything was.
I was so close. Why couldn't I just go through with it?
He slowly stood up and walked to the sink and put his wrist under the water. The scabs and dry blood were now a gross color rather than the dark red that he loved so much. It stung way worse than it usually did consider how deep some of the cuts were but he didn't mind.
I deserve it for not going through with it.
Once he cleaned his arm off he slowly went downstairs, hoping that his parents weren't home because he desperately needed food right now and he knew his mom wouldn't let him stay in the kitchen for long if she were there.
Luckily neither of his parents were home. He went to the kitchen and made himself some ramen which he quickly ate all of soon after he finished cooking it.
He then went and grabbed some cleaning supplies to clean up the mess that he made in the bathroom.
Once he finished he looked at the clock and saw that it was already 4 pm.
At least I slept for a while.
He laid down on his bed and stared at the ceiling, thinking of absolutely nothing.
He felt a mixture of disappointment in himself and just feeling completely numb.
Jisung looked down at his arm and saw all the scabs. deciding to pick them since he was too lazy to get up but he wanted to feel some sort of comfort and this was the only way he knew how to.
By picking the scab he opened the cut back up and admired it as he watched a drop of blood travel down his arm.
He stopped it with his finger before it got onto his bed and reached over to grab a tissue from his nightstand to wipe it off.
Eventually, he ended up falling asleep and sighed when his alarm woke him up the next morning for school.
School, where he would have to see Minho, who was going to be able to tell that something had happened.
But Jisung didn't know that. And Minho couldn't very easily tell him that he knew something was wrong.