Chapter 31
"So... What do you think he's going to say?" Corie looked over at me from her spot in the driver's seat. She was freaking out just as much as I was.
I was staring out the windshield at the park in front of us. It was the same park that I liked taking Devon to when the weather was nice. It was also the place where I had agreed to meet up with Ashton.
Usually, it seemed so inviting with its green grass, and blue skies. In the summer, the trees and small pond made it seem even friendlier. But, not today. It was gloomy out, the weather was cold, and most of the leaves had already fallen off the trees. The park was anything but inviting today.
"I already know what he'll say," I spoke quietly due to the nervousness I was feeling. I remembered back to when Ashton had arrived at my house, battered, bruised, and begging for forgiveness. I was expecting to hear the same conversation. "But it won't matter because he's already told me everything he wanted me to hear... a-and he knows that," I gulped nervously, still staring out the windshield. "It's all going to be about what I have to say..."
I could feel Corie's curious eyes on me. "And, what are you going to tell him?"
I sat in silence as her question sunk in. I tried to search for an answer but, it felt like my mind had been wiped clean. For once, my brain wasn't filled with frantic, swirling thoughts. It was blank. "...I have no idea," I felt lost. Suddenly, I wished that I had discussed my change in perspective with the rest of my family. At least then I would've had something to think about.
"Well whatever you decide," Corie paused. I looked over at her eagerly, desperate for advice. I couldn't tear my gaze from her. "I-I want you to know that I support it."
I stared at her, in disbelief.
"I know he's hurt you in the past and everything but... this is your life. If you feel its right to let him back in, great, go for it. And if you want to move to... Switzerland in order to get away from him," She cracked a smile as she spoke. "Then I'll help you pack as soon as I drive you home."
"Cor-"
"Listen, everyone's going to have their own opinion on this, myself included, but I want you to do what you think is the right thing..." Corie stared at me intently. "Don't make this decision for anyone but yourself."
I was incredibly touched that Corie was willing to support me through anything. Despite whatever thoughts about Ashton she was keeping to herself, she would understand whatever decided to do. And that meant a lot to me. Everyone else in my life already had their opinions.
Unable to express my appreciation verbally, I quickly pulled her into a tight hug. She returned the gesture. "I'm so sorry that I pushed you away," I said, referring to the early-pregnancy era of my life. My voice was muffled by the embrace. "I don't know why I thought that was a good idea."
"Don't worry about it."
"Thank you for everything," I felt awful that I had underestimated Corie's friendship in the past. "Including driving me here and going along with the story."
After I had agreed to talk to Ashton the day before, I knew that there was no way I could've left my house by myself without raising any suspicion. I still didn't think that James believed what I had told him about Corie's get well wishes for Devon. There was no way I had been fully convincing. I ended up texting Corie later that night and asked her for a ride. I was afraid she would refuse if I told her where I was going and who I was meeting so, I had waited until that afternoon when I had gotten in her car to spill the beans. Luckily for me, she still agreed to take me.
As much as I wanted a bodyguard as I spoke with Ashton, I knew that James wouldn't agree to it in a million years. He most likely would've started another fight and his strong opinions would've skewed our conversation.
I had considered bringing Alex along. He had never been the aggressive type and I had never heard of him getting into a fight. But, I knew that he would be just as strongly opinionated as my brother. Alex had been there to heal me and build me back up after Ashton's disappearance and I knew he'd never let me near the person that had caused me to become that fragile and broken.
I wasn't completely sure how Corie would handle the situation but, I knew that she was probably my best option. Of the three people I had considered asking to come with me, Corie was the only one that I knew would agree to staying in the car.
Suddenly the song "Ice Ice Baby" began blasting from somewhere inside the vehicle.
"Oh, God. I'm so sorry," Corie let go of me and began frantically searching for her phone. "Vanilla Ice completely ruined the moment." She dug her phone out of her jacket pocket and answered it. "Hello?"
I watched in confusion as her calm expression morphed into downright panic.
"Oh gosh... Mom, I'm so sorry! I Forgot!" She began glancing around nervously, running a hand through her hair. I could hear her upset-sounding mother lecturing her on the other end. "Well-" She impatiently listened as she was cut off. "Yeah, but-" and again. "I-" and a few more times after that. A minute later she finally got the chance to get a full sentence out. "Ok I'll be there soon, don't worry." Then the call ended.
Corie threw her phone in the cup holder and placed her head in her hands, sighing loudly.
"What was that about?" I asked, suddenly concerned. I had a bad feeling in my gut.
"Well... it turns out I was the one who was supposed to pick up my grandmother from her appointment today," Corie swallowed nervously. "My mom was able to drop her off before her meeting but she won't get out of it in time to pick her up," She stared at me apologetically. "Maddie, I'm really sorry... but if I don't go get her she'll be stranded at the dentist office for another four hours."
I felt my heart sink as I realized what she was saying. Corie was leaving me. "Oh... no it's fine," I tried to sound reassuring. Of course I didn't want her poor grandmother to be stuck at the dentists' because of extreme amounts of boy drama. "I'll be alright, just go get her."
"Are you sure?" I could tell she was very afraid of leaving me at the park by myself with Ashton. "Maddie, what if something happens! I'll never be able to forgive myself."
"I'll just tell Alex to come pick me up. It's not a big deal," I gave her the best encouraging smile that I was capable of. Inside, I felt my strength crumbling. "Just please go rescue your grandma."
Corie stared at me for a few seconds, her face scrunched up in frustration. "Ok, fine. But I expect a full report about what happens." She huffed, obviously upset. "I was all ready to break out my binoculars and everything..." She muttered.
I couldn't help but roll my eyes at her.
"Alright," Corie exhaled loudly once more. "Get out of my car, I have a mission that I have to attend to. Just please be careful..."
"Of course," I replied, opening my door. "Thanks so much for dropping me off."
"Just don't forget to call me later!" She said sternly.
"You got it," I climbed out of the vehicle and into the cold, fall air. I slammed the door behind me and watched as she stared her car and pulled out of the parking lot. Well. This was going to be interesting.
I had tried to bundle up the best that I could for the chilly weather with a hoodie and a jacket. Ashton had suggested that we could meet somewhere indoors and more public if I wanted. I turned the offer down, afraid of eavesdroppers and running into people I knew. I was terrified of being alone with him but, I was also terrified of being caught with him.
I looked around the park in front of me. It was empty. I had thought for sure that Ashton would arrive first. He was far more eager to have this conversation than I was. I didn't see him. Maybe he had parked in a different lot or something.
As the thought of vehicles entered my mind, I suddenly remembered that I no longer had a ride home and no one knew where I was. If I didn't contact someone now, my only options would consist of walking home or having Ashton drive me. I was going to do anything in my power to make sure the last one didn't happen. Instantly, I pulled my phone out of my jeans pocket to text Alex, checking the time before I did so. It was almost 1: 30 in the afternoon.
I'm currently at the park on Elmsmere Drive. If you don't hear from me within the next hour or so please come get me.
I figured that an hour seemed to be like a decent amount of time for this dreaded conversation. I had a feeling that this wouldn't be the last time I talked with Ashton and I really didn't want to be here longer than I had to. I wanted to ease myself into things as I tried to look Ashton in the face again and potentially think of him as something other than an enemy.
Alex responded a lot quicker than I expected.
What's going on??
A few seconds later I received another message.
Are you ok?
And another.
What are you talking about?
I hesitated, not sure of how to respond to Alex's worried messages. Maybe texting him had been a bad idea. What if he figured out what was happening and showed up within the next five minutes? I didn't want to be dragged home before I got the chance to talk to Ashton. I bit my lip as I tried to consider my options.
Alex then sent another message after not getting any response from me.
Wait... You're not with HIM are you??
I gulped as I quickly typed a reply.
Just promise me you'll be here.
He responded before I could even blink.
Yeah of course.
I breathed a sigh of relief. At least now if Ashton decided to hold me against my will until I agreed to whatever he would be offering, Alex would be arriving to rescue me. I put my phone on silent, not wanting to be interrupted by anymore messages from anyone, and stuffed it back into the front pocket of my jeans.
I turned my attention back to the park, scanning it for any sign of Ashton. Maybe taking a look around would help. I began walking over the grass, trying to think of where he would want to meet. But... if I found him, then I'd have to tell him my thoughts. My steps slowed. Suddenly I no longer wanted to have this conversation. What if I just left before it started? I could probably walk home from here.
The memory of how miserable Ashton was at dinner the other night crept back into my mind. No! I couldn't just abandon him here. It was my fault that everyone hated him. I didn't have the heart to cause him even more pain by... standing him up. I took a deep breath and forced myself to keep moving. I could at least give him a chance to talk to me. He deserved to have a better conversation than the one where I had yelled over top of him and tried to throw him out.
After another minute of walking, I finally saw him off in the distance. He was sitting on the top part of a picnic table with his feet resting on the bench. The table was near the one, small pond that the park possessed. My heart began beating faster. Was I really about to do this?
I forced myself to head in that direction, staring at the ground instead of directly at him. Every inch of my body was telling me to turn back while I still had the chance. All too soon, I was approaching him. From the corner of my eye I saw him look up. He seemed surprised to see me.
"Hi," Ashton sounded nervous as he straightened his sitting position. I didn't blame him.
I finally looked up at him. "Hey..." He was staring at me intensely, probably fighting back everything he wanted say, to avoid saying it all at once. I noticed that the bruises had faded since I saw him last, looking more like shadows on his face.
As soon as I met his eyes, I felt the jagged pieces of my heart threaten to burst apart from where I had tried so hard to glue them back together. And I knew that if I allowed that to happen, the rest of my body would be ripped apart with it. I would instantly be a mess. I had to keep myself together.
I stood a few feet from the picnic table, waiting for whatever would come next. Ashton eyed me curiously, probably wondering if I planned to stand the whole time. Hesitantly, I glanced towards the empty spot next to him. I really didn't want to be that close...
Ignoring the instincts that were set against it, I went and sat down on the table. I made sure to keep a good amount of space between us.
"I wasn't really sure if you were gonna show up or not," Ashton forced a laugh. He began rubbing his hands. I couldn't decide if it was due to nerves or how cold it currently was. "I mean, the other night it seemed like you wanted to..." His voice trailed off as he struggled to find the right words. "Well, you didn't seem to hate me... as much." He looked over at me, seeming intrigued at the thought that he might have a chance to fix things.
I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I didn't really want to confess that the dinner had started to change me. "I'm just here to talk," I said quietly. Hopefully that would prevent him from raising his expectations too high. I knew I was capable of destroying all of his hopes in an instant if I ended up not liking where this was going. I found myself not wanting to cause Ashton anymore agony.
"No, I get it," He responded quickly. "And honestly, I'm extremely grateful for that."
I stared down at my shoes that were rested on the wooden bench. A few awkward seconds passed.
"So... How've you been?" Ashton asked, seeming uncomfortable. I saw him glance at me from the corner of my eye.
I sighed, not appreciating his attempts at a friendly conversation. "You can just jump right into it. I know you don't want to make small talk, either." Talking about our days only made the situation more uncomfortable, considering we didn't want to be friendly. We just wanted to hear each other out and get down to business. Small talk would get us nowhere.
He exhaled with relief. "Good, 'cause I had no idea where I was going after that. I'm awful at transitioning," Ashton rubbed his face with his hands, taking a moment to collect his thoughts.
I watched him intently, my heart beating quicker as I waited to hear what he would say.
Ashton put his hands down and clasped them together. "Maddie, I really want to help you." He looked over and met my eyes.
Instantly, I began predicting what he might say next. I found it nerve-racking to not know where he was going with this. I found it hard to believe that he had something small in mind. After all, his attitude towards our situation made it seem like he was desperate to fix everything he possibly could, the second he got the chance.
"How?" I did my best to remain calm and collected. It was a weird feeling. If Ashton had said this to me weeks ago, I would've completely lost it.
At my response, I saw Ashton visibly relax. I hadn't realized just how much tension he had been feeling. He must've also been expecting me to explode at the thought. "Well... I'm not entirely sure yet. I have a few ideas but, I don't know which ones you be okay with."
I was well aware of my nervous heartbeat. Then I realized that Ashton must've been planning these ideas out for a long time. That made me even more uncomfortable.
"Don't worry, I promise that I won't suggest anything drastic," Ashton quickly added. He must've seen a flash of anxiety in my expression. "I know you wouldn't agree to those anyway," He commented quietly, breaking eye contact for a moment. He gazed out across the pond.
Ashton wanted to take baby steps. It felt like a huge weight had just been lifted off my shoulders. Part of me had been so terrified that this would end in even more problems than it had started with. I took a deep breath to prepare myself for what I would say next. "What did you have in mind?" I tucked my arms in closer to my body, feeling extremely anxious.
"Oh. Well..." He seemed slightly stunned as he looked away again, nervously running his fingers through his hair. He seemed even more surprised that I had been able to keep myself calm. He had probably expected me to start ranting about everything I didn't need from him. "I-I just thought..." A million things seemed to pass through Ashton's mind in that instant. Eventually he seemed to have settled on one. "I thought we could start out with something small for now," Slowly, he reached into the pocket of his jacket.
My gaze was instantly on his hand, afraid of where this was going. As soon as I saw him pull his wallet out, I felt the strong need to object. "Ashton..."
"Look, I know that this won't be anywhere near what you've already spent," Ignoring my complaints, he brought the wallet in front of him and began digging through it. "But... it's my fault that you had to spend all of this money in the first place." Ashton pulled out a considerable amount of bills, folded them in half, and held them out to me.
I hesitated, glancing up from the money to look at him. "You really don't have to-"
"Please," He cut me off. "Just take it," His eyes were pleading.
I looked back down at his offering, still feeling uneasy about the whole thing.
"If it makes you that uncomfortable, you don't even have to spend it on him. Use it... to buy yourself a new pair of sneakers or something, I really don't care," Ashton paused, making me look at him curiously. He seemed to be losing whatever calmness he had left. Everything about him seemed to be desperate. "Just take it so I can at least think that I'm paying for diapers or food or... something. So I don't feel as much of a complete disappointment."
Carefully, I untucked an arm from my body and reached out to take the bills. At first glance, I had no idea how much money Ashton had just given me. And even though curiosity was nagging at me to count it, I proceeded to wrap my hand around it and slip it into my pocket. "Thanks," I swallowed nervously. Even after taking the money, Ashton didn't appear to be any more satisfied. He still seemed to believe that no matter how hard he tried, I'd always shut him out. In that instant, I felt the need to make him feel a little better about himself. I still wasn't sure where I wanted this conversation to go but, I didn't want him to go back home feeling just as worthless as before. My heart began pounding faster as I opened my mouth to speak again, realizing just what I was about to do. "I-I'm sure..." I squeezed my eyes shut for a split second, fighting through the fear that came with this unplanned decision. "I'm sure that...Devon will appreciate it."
I stopped breathing, opening my eyes to stare straight ahead, over the grassy area and at the tall, dying weeds that surrounded the pond. What had I just done?
Ashton was dead silent beside me. It didn't sound like he was breathing either. Had he heard me? Did he understand what I had just told him? I was afraid to look.
The two seconds of complete silence that passed, seemed to last a lifetime. It made my stomach churn.
"What did you say?" The tone of his voice was all I needed to confirm that he had most definitely heard me.
I took a deep breath to try and prepare myself for what was to come. Then I directed my gaze back at Ashton.
He was sitting next to me in complete astonishment. The look on his face was the expression that I expected someone to have after witnessing some kind of miracle. His body seemed to be completely frozen as his eyes bored into me.
I opened my mouth to speak but, suddenly it was like I forgot how. All I could do was stare back at him, my heart pounding in my ears. I was just as shocked as he was that I had finally told him what I had named his son. Eventually I found my voice again. "...His name is Devon."
"Devon..." Ashton repeated in a whisper, testing it out. He sat quietly for a second as if to consider it all. Then he looked back at me eagerly, adjusting his body so he was more angled toward me. "Does he have a middle name?"
I averted my eyes before nodding. My lips were pressed together. "Matthew." I wasn't sure why I didn't feel panicked about telling Ashton this information. Maybe it was because I felt somewhat bad for keeping him in the dark. I could only imagine what he had felt.
"And you didn't...," He paused, struggling to search for words. "I mean, you wouldn't've... H-His last name?" Ashton eyes seemed sad as he fought to ask the question that was haunting him. Had I named Devon after him or myself?
I couldn't speak as I watched him. I felt my face convert into some kind of torn and apologetic expression. Ashton nodded in acknowledgement. My silent response had answered his burning question. Of course I had given Devon my last name. When he was born, I saw know other option. Even though Ashton had probably known this answer years earlier, he still seemed discouraged.
"Well, I expected that..." He bit his lip and focused his gaze somewhere off in the distance, possible staring at the flock of geese that was currently flying past the park.
I suddenly felt like I should apologize to him. But, it wasn't my fault. I could've mentioned a million different ways that Ashton could've changed the outcome of the last name issue. I didn't have to say them though because he already knew what they were.
"Sometimes, I can't help but... think about what might've happened. You know, if I- if I hadn't been such a coward," Ashton's attention was still far away. "It just kills me that I was so worried about myself..." Ashton's eyebrows furrowed as he seemed to consider something in his head. He was gripping at his hands again.
I couldn't help but feel that he regretted not being there to help with Devon a lot more than I had thought. Was is possible that he also had been upset about what it had done to our relationship? I really hoped not. Offering to help with Devon was one thing but, if eventually he wanted to fix anything else between us? I didn't think I had it in me.
"I get it," I began to feel a little frustrated that it always came back to Ashton feeling sorry for himself. "You messed up. Both of us were miserable. But, we survived," Ashton looked at me curiously as I spoke. "We got through it. Neither of us can change what happened, that's all in the past now." I also used to wish that things had turned out differently. But everyday reality had reminded me otherwise.
Ashton nodded in agreement, looking down. He hesitated, looking like he was internally fighting with himself about what he would say next. He took a deep breath before glancing back at me. His eyes stared desperately into mine. "So, what's in the future?"
...
AN: Just thought I'd give you all a warning that there aren't many chapters left. I'm so excited that I'm almost done with this story! It's taken me so long to write this thing and I'm glad to see that you guys still enjoy reading it :) Stay tuned to see what happens next!