Summary: Mathew knows that Y/N deserves the best, but what happens when he causes a rift between them because of that?
Requested: No
Never in Mathews life did he think that it was possible to hurt so much. And he had dealt with his fair share of pain throughout the years. Whether it was taking a puck to the face, or breaking bone, he had certainly had a run in once or twice with pain. But in his experience- pain was always physical and temporary. How he felt right now was nothing in comparison. Mathew felt like his entire soul was being burned, that with every breath he took, his heart was squeezed just a little too tight.
He was in love.
Mathew was his own worst enemy, his relationship with Y/N had been perfect. Sure he wasn't home all the time and he missed her more often than not, but other than his attachment, they were perfectly fine- his family loved his girlfriend and Mathew had even bought a wedding ring. But before he could convince himself to get down on one knee, he had sabotaged himself.
He thought that she deserved better, and in reality she did deserve better, why should he be the reason that her heart is unhappy. No matter how many times she would tell him that she loved him, he could never believe it completely. Between his busy schedule and his constant absence, he was scared to death that one day Y/N was going to wake up on her side of the bed and change her mind about being with him.
So he beat her to the punch.
"What do you mean you need a break?" Y/N asked softly, her lip quivering as she tried to process what she was hearing. Standing in her shared apartment with Mathew, she felt like her heart had just been ripped out of her chest. She didn't understand what was going on, just days ago they had been talking about their future together, they had discussed kids, a house, leaving New York- they talked about a marriage. Why now was he throwing that all away?
Mathew shrugged not able to look Y/ in the eye. What he was doing was killing him inside, everything he told her was a lie but he felt like he had no choice. He couldn't be honest with her, not if he wanted this to work. He couldn't let her think that their was any hope in their relationship. He needed her to hate him. To absolutely loathe his existence.
"I'm saying that I need to be away from you." He crossed his arms. "I can't do this anymore I feel like youre suffocating me." He fibbed. With every syllable that slipped past Mat's tongue, he wanted to hurt himself- how could he do this to the woman he loved? How could he ruin everything because of his own insecurities.
The feeling of her throat tightening was what distracted Y/N from her staring contest. Mathew wouldn't raise his gaze from the floor- but that didn't mean that she wasn't boring holes into the side of his skull with her teary eyes. Biting her lip, she was praying that soon she would wake up and this would not be happening. This had to be some sort of nightmare, she was going to wake up and Mathew would be laying right night to her- his bare chest falling and rising with every breath he took. Or maybe he wouldn't be there at all, maybe he was still away on a roadie, she did tend to get nightmares more often when he was away.
"Is there someone else?" She asked hesitantly, her voice breaking as she even fathomed the idea. Please tell her that it wasn't true- she couldn't bare the idea of Mathew having been with someone else while she waited up for him in their apartment.
Mathew knew that this was the final straw. "Yes"
The final nail in the coffin had been stuck, and Y/N was a blubbering mess. She grabbed a pillow from the living room couch and launched it at him. "Get out!" Her voice cracked as she screamed at him. She would never think of hurting Mathew physically, but she wanted nothing to do with him. She needed him to leave- the idea of having him here, to spare him another glance was revolting.
Taking a deep breath, Mathew's chest ached. He had already packed his bags and arranged himself a hotel room a close to the arena. His task was complete and for better or for worse, he had succeeded in accomplishing his goals.
The drive to his hotel room was painful, Mathew did nothing to stop the tears from flowing down his cheeks as he drove. He screamed and punched at his steering wheel, slapping himself across the face and pulling at his hair- anything to replicate the pain that he had just caused his soulmate.
Now Mat had never been one that believed in hatred, he was always under the impression that hating someone required energy, and instead of spending that energy into such a negative feeling, he would fuel it to further his career, or to make someone's day better. But now that he had seen was type of horrors he was capable of, he let his self directed hatred consume him.
It should have been easy to move on from Y/N. He was always busy so he should've been able to distract himself by work or his friends- but it was the exact opposite. The time he spent on the ice was tainted by the memories of Y/N sitting behind the glass, cheering him on at games, or time with his friends was haunted by the topic of where y/n was or if she would be joining them.
Mathew had shut himself in his apartment, forcing himself to think of anything but Y/N. He got drunk and caused a mess, only to have the housekeeper clean up his mess the next day so that he could repeat the habit all over again. He was broken and defeated. His heart was filled with regret and he knew that he had made a terrible decision.
It wasn't fair. There were plenty of hockey players that had been able to make their relationships work. So why couldn't he? Why did he jump so quickly to the worst case scenario- one that forced him to hurt Y/N to the point where she would never talk to him again? What was he thinking and why did no one stop him?
It wasn't health what Mathew was doing. His nights were becoming blurred and more often than not he couldn't remember where he had gone to sleep at- only remembering if he had buried himself at the bottom of a bottle, or cried himself into slumber.
He needed to fix what mess he had made.
There was no telling if Y/N would ever forgive him, or if she would even talk to him. But one night at 2am as he sat awake in his apartment, staring out the window at the city of New York- he knew that he had to at least try. So in his less than sober state, he grabbed his keys and drove to Y/N and his previously shared apartment.
It was a miracle that Mathew hadn't gotten into an accident with how fast he was driving. But before he knew it, he was standing in front of Y/N's apartment trying to rub sobriety into his eyes and shake the sleep deprivation from his figure. What if she turned him away? What if she cursed him out? Would he be able to handle it?
In the end, Mathew decided that he couldn't but just seeing Y/N would be enough to get him through the night. In the morning he could figure something out or at least make an attempt to, but for now- he needed to see her, to hear her voice, otherwise it would be another long night of drinking and crying himself to sleep.
Raising his fist, Mathew knocked on Y/N's front door- her hand stuttering for a moment as he built his confidence. Thankfully he didn't have time to turn around and run away, because within a ten seconds, Y/N had come to the door and opened it.
"What are you doing here?" She asked. It would appear that she wasn't in great shape either. There were swollen rings under her eyes presumably from not sleeping well and crying, her lips were chapped and overall she looked exactly how she felt. Like shit.
"I needed to talk to you." Mathew gulped.
Shaking her head, Y/N couldn't believe what she was hearing. "I think you've said quite enough." She went to close the door on him but Mathew had stuck his foot out and prevented her from doing so. He needed to talk to her- "Please just listen."
"I fucked up- I know that" He quivered. "I lied to you- I swear to god there is no one else" he began. "I thought that if I made you hate me, it would be easier to move on because YN you deserve so much better than me and everyone can see it." He mumbled. "But I was too stubborn to tell you that so I figured if I could make you hate me, it would make both of our lives so much easier."
"I never wanted to hurt you and I hate myself everyday because of it. What I did to you was unforgivable, but I can't live without you baby." He reached out, not missing the way Y/N flinched. "I made a mistake- the worst one of my life and I will do everything in my power to fix it.." He cried.
"If you were to ask me to leave the NHL I would, because I am nothing without you and I am not about to lose you because of my fucking stupid ideas." He winced.
"So please- just... all I'm asking is for you to consider it."
Y/N listened to everything he said, her heart aching as she listened to his speech. She knew that what he had done was brutal, she still hadn't gotten over everything he told her that night, and she wouldn't for a long time. But that didn't change the fact that she loved him and that he was meant for her. "Im not going to ask you to leave the NHL." She told him softly.
"But you better swear to me that there is no one else- and that you will never pull such a stupid stunt like that again." She swore at him..
Mat lifted his head, his eyes glazed over as he looked at her, his lips swollen from crying and his face red- matching his hair which was disheveled. "Does that mean you'll give me another chance?" He asked.
Y/N opened the door wider, allowing him to see into her apartment. "Its time you come home...." She walked towards him and wrapped her arms around him tightly, not missing the smell of liquor off him- yet she said nothing, the feeling of his body pressed against hers was enough for that time. He was familiar and he was hers. No matter their ups and downs, if Mathew was really being honest there was nothing that Y/N couldn't forgive.
They were meant to be and nothing would stand in their way.