Lie To Me~Ticci Toby X Reader

Chapter 19 I Have To Look Up Just To See Hell

Duality was all you knew in your painful life, which didn't hold any memories anymore, other than this precise moment of existence.

On the one hand, there was the absolute calm and tranquil void where you existed. Dark and comfortingly cold, it held your abused body in its careful embrace. Allowing the pain to pass, and your thoughts to flicker and go out like the flame of a sole candle on a windy night. No pain, no emotions, no voices, and no ticking clocks anywhere. Just you and your mind. Slipping into a deep sleep, plagued with dreams that featured faceless people, you could no longer recognize.

Even if you were able to recognize them, what was the point anyway? There was no escaping this time, and for once, you didn't want to fight it, you didn't want to try, you just wanted to be left alone in your pathetic existence.

How much you loved those instances where you existed deep into the waters of the river Lethe, protected and alone and oh so comfortable.

Because on the other hand, you were flooded with bright lights, pulling your consciousness harshly into the now. Into a reality that everything was scorching hot and mind splittingly painful.

These were the moments where you'd find yourself surrounded by light.

Bright medical lights would be shining above you, hindering your already diminished eyesight to the point where you could see nothing but colors. There was white, and there was royal blue, mixed with black and amazingly vivid amber hues flickering in and out of your vision. Noise prevailed all around you, screams of anguish and torment splitting your eardrums in half, and you didn't need the way the fire consumed your skin to know they came from you. Seizures would envelop you, making you writhe, crack and break bones, blazing your voice to the point you could no longer produce a sound, left mute to endure the scorching flames. Someone would be speaking; the sound would be but a murmur, so alike the rest that infiltrated your mind, yet you could not make out anything. Tendrils of static and darkness would then snatch your heart, and you'd be pulled under once again.

Deep into nothingness.

Deep into long-awaited relief.

You would dream of being inside a warm house. Everything around you would be in grey colors, but deep into your heart of hearts, you knew it used to be warm. The lack of colors didn't take from the feeling or the peculiar familiarity of the place. In there you would meet other people, who were just as familiar and warm. Their faces would be lacking characteristics, voices nothing but static, but you knew these were once your family and friends. A deep-rooted feeling of sadness would then poison your heart, mixed with nothingness. You knew them all once upon a time, shared fond memories with them, but there was no longing or even a speck of these memories within you anymore. Only the calling of your Master and the static blooming from their voices, drowning out any emotion that dared to linger.

After, you would dream of lonely, snow-covered roads. Of abandoned houses filled with wandering souls that were now cursed, of laughter and anger and pain and blood that covered everything. Dreams about old warehouses, of silver liquid and moving shadows that called out your name from the corner of your eyesight. Never letting you forget your name, never letting you forget in general. And how could you forget? How could you forget the woman with the white mask and the tired, light-fearing eyes underneath, who was equal parts threatening and tired as she provided again and again and again? Who would forget the tall, imposing, hooded man with the forever frowning hood, who at the same time lead you all true and away from danger? Forget the white-masked man with all the sweet lies at the tip of his lips, the half-lit cigarettes, and the bags under his eyes? Or forget the grinning, laughing, ticking man with the orange glow that could equally terrify and awaken you? Who always came when you called, breaking you apart roughly but never – ever – doubted your words or intellect?