Sobs mixed with hiccups. Betso cried so badly she was even running out of breath. Muzi looked to Lwa's door before picking her up from the floor, taking her to their bedroom. After hours of screaming and disbelief. She could only afford the strength to carry a single strand of her own hair on credit. Muzi was numb. Lwandile's pillow was soaking wet, saturated and satiated with his own tears - the form in which the heart bleeds. The images he saw of Mxo refused to leave his mind. He'd never seen Mxo that helpless before. Mxo fought both their battles. He was always fearless and unfazed. He was quick to welcome a fight, quick to entertain the devil in boxing shorts. His voetsek was physical. It had hands and a dictionary. The only word in there was smackdown. He never gave up on any fight until he won that fight. In all this, Lwandile questioned how he could just agree to die like that? Just like that? So quick? So simple? He was fine and fully himself in the morning. How do you talk to a person a few hours ago and later be told they're gone? Never to be seen again? How do you go on when the only person you've known since conception is no more? How is life supposed to make any sense when the only person who achieved that for you is dead? How?
Betso turned her back on Muzi and hugged her pillow, continuing to let her heart crack and bleed onto her organs. It felt like it. It felt like the coldness that was emanating from the engine of her body was affecting everything else; including the womb that once carried the child that she's being told she's never going to see again. The child who looked at her like she was the love of his life. The child who "flirted" with her in a way that only a mom could understand. The child who drove her sanity to the edge only to bring her back to the center of serenity by forcing her to laugh. Muzi laid on the bed on his back and faced the roof. It was raining outside, heavily and violently. If the two cared enough to watch they'd see only the grey that appeared on the large window. She sobbed loudly and wiped her nose before she could speak.
"I want to see him. Today", she directed without moving a limb and he also stayed put with one hand behind his head. None of it was sinking in. It all felt like one dragging bad dream. He got up from the bed and promised to be back. He walked to his study in his socks. He didn't bother wearing any shoes. Muzi got in there and found the extra keys to every door in that house. He searched for the sleeping pills he'd bought when him and his wife were having problems and dragged himself to the kitchen. When he got to Lwandile's door, he knocked again and went unanswered. He inserted the key and turned it once. He hated invading in kids' privacy but something in him was afraid Lwa would do something stupid. Lwa pretended to be asleep and Muzi fell for it. He was still in his school uniform, except the tie and blazer he threw on top of the single couch at a lonely corner. His father sighed and closed the door again. He continued with his trip to the kitchen. He got there, poured Betso a glass of sugar water and dropped two pills in there. He then stirred the mixture up waiting for the solids to dissolve, getting completely lost in his own thoughts while he was at it.
Lwandile got up from the bed with his red eyes and irritated nose, heading to Muzikayise's mancave. The pain was too loud to be ignored. It needed some silencing. He only drank alcohol once and decided he hated the bitter taste of it. Mxo suggested he should try ciders instead of beer but he had already given up on the drunk man's love potion. He heard Liwe crying loudly from his parents' bedroom since Muzi had left the door open. He walked in cautiously and saw Betso just lying there on the bed on her side, still hugging onto her pillow- eyes wide open; no blink in sight. He heaved a sigh and went to pick Liwe up. He tried to hush her but she wasn't having it. She was burning up also. Liwe was crying uncontrollably as if something was consistently pinching her. Betso was completely deaf to all of this as her tears penetrated her sheets straight into her mattress. Lwandile was busy trying to baby her to silence with his own salt water wetting both his cheeks. If Mxo was there Liwe would be laughing. He didn't have that effect only on her, he had it on everyone. It rippled from his own non-belief in dwelling in sadness, ultimately becoming contagious to everyone he came into contact with like a dangerous virus. He tried mimicking how Mxo used to play with her when she cried but it wasn't working. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand before his dad could walk in. Muzi saw his struggle and took Liwe from him. He handed him the 'cocktail' and asked him to beg his mom to drink it. Muzi was speaking so gently like he was afraid that the frequencies of his voice would break him.
"What's this?", he asked flatly as he inspected the glass with no interest at all.
"It will help her sleep", Muzi assured as he coddled the hysterical Liwe. Lwa nodded and went to kneel with one leg up in front of his mom's side of the bed.
"Mom. Ma?!", he shook her three times before she could flight down back to earth. She released a heavy breath when she saw him, then smiled before placing her palm on his cheek. The volume of the tears that were coming out of her eyes went up. She loved Lwa. Wholeheartedly. She could always tell them up but at that moment, she wished she couldn't. She wished to see Mxo's face in his and maybe understand why he had to go. Lwa placed his hand over hers lovingly before offering her the drink. Muzi had went downstairs with Liwe to give them space.
"I don't want--"
"Just drink up mama it will help you", he impatiently said. She picked it up. The impatience in his voice, she picked it up. She got up and asked him to sit next to him. He placed the glass down and she pulled him gently so he lies his head on her thighs. He instantly broke down. She didn't try to hold back her own tears. She knew the effort was going to be pointless.
"It'll be alright. Okay? It'll be alright", she lied. She didn't believe it. It wasn't going to be alright. It was going to be incomplete and empty. It was going to be lonely and hurtful. She brushed his neatly cut hair as she hummed a lullaby she also didn't know she could perfectly concoct till that moment. It wasn't comforting for Lwa; nor was it distracting. It made no difference. He raised his head and handed her the glass. She drank up because she didn't want to disappoint him any further than life already had that day.
