War of Prey

38) Drop of Humanity

"Never did she see the knife at her back; she called it love."

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Polar opposites. That is what we are. You are good, and I am bad. You are light, and I am dark. Maybe this is why we met. Maybe this is why we are best friends. Maybe this is why she will break you. There is a lot you don't know about me, those same things I don't know about myself. God, do I wish I could tell you, but I can't lose you; I fear that I already am, though. You know my issues, what is wrong with me, but there is something far worse. I have this other part of me, this dark part of me, that is horrible. She loves to watch people suffer, enjoys their pain, likes the sound of crying, has no sympathy, and loves to make my life hell. She has taken so much away from me: my innocence, my childhood, my heart, and all the people I care about. She makes sure they all leave me. Reina is gone because of her. My family is distant because of her. 

I will never find love because of her, she made sure of that. Who could love me? With all my broken parts. Who could ever see anything to love in a monster like me? All of those dreams I've had are just lies, not for you, but for me. We will never have that life we planned. You will be happy with your kids and your new wife, and I will be alone like I was meant to be. I guess why I dream about having kids is because I can dream, I can dream whatever outlandish dreams I want because they will never happen again. One pregnancy is all I am allowed. I dream of a future so full of love and light, but that is all it is. A dream. She dangles these dreams in front of me just to torture me, to make me insane. She's my alter ego, I suppose. She haunts me. All of the scary things I write are from her; pain is from her. My mind games are from her. I like to play games and let my words hurt someone because of her. 

All I've ever wanted was happiness and love. That's all. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so. She has made everyone in my life leave or despise me, and I know you're next. I apologize for this. I am so sorry that I will hurt you. It is inevitable. I always do. I'm sorry for giving you false hope for a forever friendship. I'm sorry that you ever spent a breath on me. I'm sorry that I dragged you into this mess; I'm sorry that I have to say sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I should have known that you were my weakness the day I met you. I have never found anyone so loving and kind towards someone, I have never trusted someone so much, let someone inside the wasteland that is my heart. It scares me how much I love you, I guess that's what happens when someone saves you.

I didn't think this would be me, that this would happen to me. I've always gotten attached to the wrong people, why else am I as broken as I am? But people have always gotten attached to me too until I let them down. I break them. I've tried so hard to push you away from me, to get you to hate me and leave, to leave and stay far away from me because I will only hurt you in the end, but I'm too selfish to do that. I'm too selfish to remove the one good thing in my life. I know this must sound stupid and crazy and you will probably hate me after this or be very disturbed. Either way, I'm not planning on having you in my life anymore after this, I think you'll finally realize who I am.

All this suffering that I feel is at the hands of her. All the suffering that others feel from me is from her. I used to be able to stop myself from being so mean and control my mouth, but I'm losing myself to her. She's taking me over. You have always been the one thing that I would never touch, that I would never mar, that I would never hurt. I have been able to control her around you, but that has changed. I've had the most self-control around you. If I can't control myself with you, the one person I tried my hardest to be good for, then how can I control myself around others? She is blurring the lines between her and me. That's why when they cry, I don't get upset; I smile. Why I'm the one to make everyone cry. Why I am so mean to everyone I see? That is why I love to watch others in pain; something about it is so addicting. It's like a drug addiction. The more I have, the more I crave and need; I've built a tolerance. Whether it be my pain or someone else's, it makes me high, like I'm on cloud nine. The sight of blood and the sting of metal should not make anyone happy. They should not go to bed wishing it were there. They should not think the thoughts I think, see the world the way I do, or feel the way I do.