Escaping The Loop

XXII

"Hey Jilly."

"Kalon?"

"The one and only." I could hear him smirk. It is weird that I miss his smirk. Sure he did a horrible thing to Cecilia, but the guy was great company for two months. Took me to so many places, ate approximately every meal with him, and spent my days in Greece with him.

"How have you been Jilly?"

"Fine, I assume you are too?"

"Jillian", oh now we are serious, "I feel horrible with the way things ended between us."

"There wasn't even a 'thing' to end Kalon, you assumed there was. That is your problem Kalon, you assume and expect the rest to follow. I wasn't going to stay in Greece forever, I was leaving. On top of that, I was-still am- attached, emotionally. I couldn't let you replace him, or even try. Yes I gave you mixed messages, and yes I went with it, reluctantly. You were pushing the limit, and that persistence I found endearing. I did. Like I was worth the fight."

"I am glad I at least did something right." He paused and inhaled sharply, "I am truly sorry I did that to Cecilia. I was such a hormonal teenager. What I did was truly crass and wrong. I hope you would forgive me. I apologized to Cecilia. She said and I quote 'life is too short to hold a grudge. I am done being burdened with angst' and she forgave me. I hope that we at least can remain friends. You are too wonderful of a person to let go of dear."

"Friends with you? You will expect something later on Kalon. Although I have not known you for too long, I know your intentions expand more than the obvious."

"No honestly. I expect nothing more."

Was life long enough for grudges? Avoiding people? Was it truly worth hate and true angst?

"Fine Kalon, all is forgiven. We were better off friends anyway. You were a great guide. You made the trip...durable."

"That is quite mild darling, you had fun and you know it."

"Stop smirking!"

"And how would you know that?"

"I don't believe that the duration of a certain relationship is proportional to how much knowledge you have on that certain person. I know you are smirking."

"Fine dear I am, happy?"

"Ecstatic"

We talked for a while, he told me he too left the island to continue medicine, and he met a fellow intern that he found quite endearing and lovable. He thought he needed a change of heart (and rectify a few morals) in order to truly try to love and accept another. He thought that opportunities come to us hidden, and we should take every single one-good or bad-and see where they take us, whether wondrous or hellish places. We said our goodbyes and he made me promise him to call as soon as I can.

That night we headed to the airport, crowded and loud. I looked around and see couples. The shittiest thing about coincidence is that it 'coincides' with want. I was heartbroken and all I could see were love struck couples. That shitty. Venice, another romantic destination, and I was without Zen. The things I wish I had done with him, the places I dreamt about going to, the future I thought we would've had and threw away, were all locked up in a safe in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart. My mother and I did not speak on both flights. Only a few words regarding passports or where I had placed the tickets. We rarely spoke nowadays, every time we did I was faced with criticism and how 'I threw away everything worth keeping'. People don't get it sometimes, 'I told you'(s) are worse than the actual deed done. This person knows what he/she had done, they realize the gravity of what they did, and they do not want to be continuously reminded of it. So imagine being constantly bombarded by these incessant accusations by the people you admire most. I couldn't bare more of that. I don't think she actually realizes I have to start all over again. She will insist on helping, insist that she alone knew the answer, but how could she?

Two days. In Venice.

It was wonderful really, a vibrant-culture-filled city. Inducing poetry, romance, creativity, and life mostly. We sat in a restaurant near our hotel, before exploring the city. My mother loved Italy so much she actually learned the language. For a while she spoke complete gibberish, and we never understood a thing. Eventually we figured out it was Italian. She always wanted to go, but there was always something in the way. Mostly her children. Us. So I had to repay her efforts, somehow.

We walked our way around town, the locals happily guiding us with smiles and greeting. How wonderful of strangers to be kind with people they don't actually know.

We were eating gelato while sitting near a fountain. Mom said the name in Italian but of course my brain did not process and save that.

"Mom?"

"Yes dear?"

"Do you love dad?"

She stared at me with mock disbelief, "What thirty years of marriage and three children aren't enough proof?"

I laughed, she was right.

"I meant, when did you realize that 'wow this person is it, it doesn't get any better'?"

She stared down at her ice cream cone, analyzing the curvature of the cone, the dripping cream, then said: "Random acts. Things I never expected he would do, things I never thought he'd noticed, actually exist. He always knew what to order for me, always knew my size, the colors I prefer, and the movies I liked, the places I loved to go to. I would always replay whatever happened that day or how he noticed, always turned out blank. I guess caring for someone and showing them how much you do differ. The saying never lies: 'actions speak louder than words'."

I looked at my mother and saw that proud gleam in her eyes. Even after thirty years, she loved him, was proud to be with him. I felt a sense of comfort, and a pinch of envy.

"I messed up mom. I really did. I hate admitting that to you, because I know there is an 'I told you do' just waiting to be said, again. I hate that he isn't with me, I hate that the time he actually wanted to start anew I gave him away out of morality. Why did I leave? Why is this happening to me? Why didn't I just shut up and continued my life with him, routine and all? I can't help wondering that this was all a mistake, that I was stupid, utterly stupid, to let this happen. What am I going to do after all this? The clinic is a great idea; the money, the staff, the location, which country?! I have no idea where I'm heading! It's ironic really, me doing all this to get over depression, and now I should be depressed more than ever!"

I cradled my head after this outburst. I spent the money I had on these trips, I had nothing. No assets, no anchor, no nothing. Not a penny to my name.

"Darling" she said as she placed her arm around my shoulders, "you are a brave young lady. I would never attempt to do what you did or are doing. The fear of uncertainty overtakes most people, and they avoid the unknown. But you my darling left everything to accomplish what you want. It is okay to be selfish. Never regret things, that regret will prevent you from a lot of other things. If you stop now, it's as if you've done nothing. Keep going, you will get breathless and tire, but when you reach the finish line, everything else withers into nothing. The pain, hurt, effort all pay off. You'll forget them and enjoy the view. Darling I know you miss him, but what's done is done. You refused to take him back in the attempt of not hurting another, and that is noble dear. Live with your mistakes, be sure of your decisions, and never regret." She ended with a smile. She picked up her bag, searching for something, then revealed something I have been looking for. The ring.

"I didn't want to give you this thinking it was 'fruitless', but think of it this way; someday you will love again. This ring represents prospect and not token of the past. This ring should be a metaphor for 'opportunities'; to not let them go so easily."

I ogled at the ring, hurt and bleeding, missing it around my finger. This sense of commitment it once held; that you belong to someone and that someone belongs to you. Maybe it is a sign of hope, a sign that I should embrace opportunities and cherish them-no matter what the outcome was. I had to finish what I started. It was unfair to me and the things I lost not to.

I gazed at my mother, appreciating her actually understanding this time. I hugged her and breathed her familiar scent. My mother, if all else failed to console me, only she would figure out a way.

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