The friend-talk. Nobody wants to start it, or continue it. The most awkward situation ever. Want someone squeamish and confused? Start with the question everyone is afraid of asking and surely everyone is hesitant in answering. The signs, oh the signs! The crap they spread on magazines that seem to guide you through that dilemma, or so you thought. There are no definite signs. Even viruses and bacteria causing diseases have subjective signs.
I had, with no reasonable regrets, started the conversation four years ago. And boy, did I make Zen sweat. Squeamish and confused alright. His face turned to every single color of the rainbow, and back then I thought: "carp! I am this new generic kind of idiot! The guy obviously doesn't like me! I have to get out of here!" we were in an Italian restaurant. Yum Italian, note to self: eat Italian soon. Anyways, and that night I decided I needed to get answers. I liked him, the majority of my time was spent with him, he knows my quirks, and he thinks I'm funny. Those were the signs I needed. I ventured to the unknown, a territory so slanted, equivocal, and most probably disappointing.
That week I heard a song, tacky lyrics and a danceable tone. And I thought to myself: when did tacky songs make any sense to me? When did I start to actually linger on every word of every love song? Was I really in love? Does this mean I love Zen? That moment I knew it. I started listening to every great love song ever created, and picked one. Not a great ballad, but with a danceable tone and the lyrics made complete sense. And I knew, at that exact second of that exact minute that 'I like Zen' was an understatement.
I am still that generic kind of idiot.
I gave up on the love of my life although he held on to me, until he just couldn't anymore. You know you are a walking disappointment when the person who thought of you as his/her world, actually gives up. They invest time, energy, a lot of heart into attaining and keeping you, yet you wind up disappointing them anyway. Either you were bored, or depressed, or just in need of a vacation, you push them away until they are out of your magnetic range. They walk away, with no regrets. They gave their all, and that was not good enough to fit through that thick skull of yours.
I lost everything. The life I meticulously built was gone. It was like building a tower of building blocks, and getting so bored you decided 'hey let's wreck it!' That's what I did.
I needed a drink.
"Like seriously you're getting married? For real? The infamous player whose stories of many conquests reached Canada?" I was delightfully surprised that two close friends of mine decided to get married. The surprise the groom actually.
"Man she broke me. Throughout our friendship she house broke me. To think that the many nights I came to her door with Chinese, consoling her after her last breakup, would add up to this. I never thought, or dreamt, I would actually marry my best friend. That's kind of great." My love struck friend said with a sigh. He was happy.
"So when is the big day?"
"Well a week from now" he paused, I knew this was coming, "Dude Tara invited Jillian." I haven't seen her in a while. Or heard from her. It didn't matter anyways. Shouldn't matter anymore. I was with Tiana now. Our haste engagement was smiled upon by our parents. Why not? She was smart, beautiful, loving, compassionate, and loves kids. Kids. She was at least stable, she loved routine, she likes her day organized and has backups for any mis-haps. I shall not depend on love anymore, functionality is more my pattern.
"Man its fine. Really. You guys are her friends too. And I have Tiana now." With the fake confidence I have used repeatedly.
A week from now I and she are going to be in the same room.
YOU ARE READING
Escaping The LoopChickLit
At 28, Jillian realizes that her seemingly perfect life is a continuous mundane routine. she is fed up with conformity and wants change. Along the way, she battles depression, gets nostalgic, falls in love, and realizes that life and living happen w...