Memories (BoyxBoy)

Definition of Living

(I'd just like to say that i totally just put in my own birthday date here lol anyway.)

August 6, 2009

There are some people who accept life as it is; the pain, the downfalls, the rare sparks of hope, the feeling of simply being okay. Then, there are those who refuse to accept this, and they fight normality, insisting life has more to offer them as long as they keep reaching--fighting for it. Sometimes they get the happiness they longed for, but some... some just end up running their whole lives until they lose their way and are too far gone to return to the comfort of 'just okay'.

My mind has been whirring with thoughts like these the past few days, and I can tell Jace is curious as to why I'm so unfocused, why I'm so deep in thought. I just can't help it. There's an entire world out there, a life I have yet to discover and after years of thinking I'd never get there anyway, I finally have the time to think about it and it's a little overwhelming.

I also can't help but think about Jace's future, and how ours will intertwine... or if they'll get to. I think about how I fell in love with him. I think about how unfair it is for such a bright mind, someone with such an amazing future ahead of them, to be slowly destroyed by something as cruel as cancer.

It's during all these epiphanies about life, and after considering all my options and likes and dislikes and opinions and morals that I decide it's time I bring up the list. I want to know why he wrote it. Why he hid it. How Charlie knew about it. Why he never told me about it.

Most of all... I want to do something about it. I have a plan, but that will have to wait, because right now Jace and I are entering the hospital for his third appointment this week. Only this time, they will reveal his treatment plan and to say he is nervous is an understatement. I want so badly to go with him, but after avoiding him for a long while, Erik is forcing me to go to session today, under doctor's orders apparently. Bull. More like orders from his purely stupid curiosity.

"Come meet me if you're done before I am," I tell Jace, embracing him tightly and gently pecking his lips before heading to the psych ward of the hospital.

I knock once on the familiar door and I'm immediately called in and to my misfortune, Erik is sitting therewith a overly happy grin, gesturing for me to take the seat across from his desk. I exaggerate a sigh and flop down in the seat, resting my arm on the side and leaning my cheek against my fist, face clear of emotion to give him the clear impression of 'I really don't want,nor do I need to be here'.

"Hello, Kai. How are you today?"He asks.

"Alright, been a little busy I suppose," I reply.

"Oh? With what? Does this have to do with whatever happened in London?"

I stay quiet, staring out the window behind him, not really sure what I should say. I've been doing pretty well with keeping my emotions in check, mostly for Jace's sake, but I fear speaking of it all might bring them out to play again.

"Can you talk to me about what happened, Kai? I know we're only therapist and patient, but I really have grown to care about you. You looked extremely distraught when I last saw you and I just want to help you," Erik stresses,sounding honestly concerned.

I sigh and finally meet his gaze, "A lot happened in London. I met Jace's parents, I fucked up and got drunk after some issues with his parents, I finally told him how I feel about him, things started going really well for the both of us-"

"That's wonderful, Kai! I don't understa-"

"Then I found out he has cancer. Stage two lung cancer to be exact."