Memories (BoyxBoy)

Inner Turmoil

May 29, 2009  

It's been almost a week since I had my little revelation, coming to terms with the fact I like boys with the help of my best friend, Zoe. However, it's also been a week since I ran home to confess to Jace what I'd realized only to have my heart shatter thanks to a certain asshole named Charlie walking into my life.

What's happened in the last few days?

A lot.

Jace has been at my door daily, knocking every other hour or so. By the third day I considered opening up and letting him in, until I heard Charlie's voice call him back downstairs. Either he's extremely oblivious as to what's going on, or he just doesn't care and is inviting that jerk over anyway.Call me immature, but I hate that prick. I hate that he hangs around Jace. I hate how he touches Jace so casually, makes him smile and laugh. That's my job, that's what I'm supposed to do. Although, it does please me ever so slightly that he still doesn't look at Charlie like he does me, yet. With a sparkle in his eyes, and a pink, crooked smile.

I've had a few nightmares, only the first night, though. Jace, of course, tried to come soothe me like he usually did. Yet, despite my fear and need for him to hold me, I refused to let him in. The hurt I felt looking into his bright blue eyes was a million times worse than the hurt and fear my nightmares caused. However, since that night I haven't really slept, at all. My mind must want to avoid the terrifying dreams while I have no source of comfort.

Other than all that, I haven't left my room since Wednesday night. Three days. Meaning I skipped school twice and haven't eaten whatsoever. Not that I care, maybe I'll lose weight and not look so fat and disgusting. Charlie's been over every day this week, did I mention that? Yeah. The fear of that heart break pain from seeing them together is what's kept me curled up in bed. I tried leaving to at least go to school and work, but it's too much.It hurts too badly. Everything seems to.

My phone has been turned off since school on Wednesday. Zoe just won't stop blowing up my phone, trying to ask what's wrong. At school she tried, but somehow I've managed to revert back to my numb, careless state, and just ignored her. She hasn't done anything wrong, but she is asking questions that I don't want to answer. I don't even want to think about it. The Jace situation.

A knock on my door snaps me out of my train of thought.

"Kai?" It's Jace again. "C'mon, this is getting ridiculous. Please, tell me what I've done. You have to come out again, eventually."

I'm so tired of arguing that I just don't answer. Instead, I turn over and pull the blanket over my head trying to block everything out. I hate feeling like this, it's brutal and it feels like I'm slowly losing myself again. How that is, is beyond me. Maybe I became too reliant on Jace. Expecting him to be my saviour.

I hear a sigh come from the other side and listen to his heavy footsteps down the stairs. I want to run out there and throw my arms around him and apologize for ignoring him and yelling at him, but I just can't. Regardless of how oblivious he is,I'm still hurting and I can't find it in me to pretend I'm happy around him.

Another knock.

"Oh, don't you ever give up!?" I groan in frustration.

"I'd have to start to give up," That isn't Jace.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I leap off the bed, stumbling slightly over some laundry before making it to the door. "Ow, shit."

I open the door to a scowling Grams.

"Language young man," She scolds.

"Sorry," I mumble sheepishly, blushing in embarrassment.