Fireflies And Butterflies (ON HIATUS)

05║First Embarrassment

For a long time, Czarina sat against her bed, hiccuping loudly. Her face was wet, her mascara creating a black track down each sides of her face. If it were possible for her to tear up again she would have gladly done that, but she had exhausted her tears, only receiving pain whenever she tried to force out tears. Her dog didn't disturb her, silently lying beside her, hiss head on his front paws.

Outside, the sky was already pitch-black, and the sound of happy crickets had began to flood the room. Streetlights had been turned on throughout the vicinity. Her curtain was dancing in the cold wind that flew into the room. All in all, Czarina didn't care. She just wanted to cry. Even when someone began to knock gently on the door, she didn't move a muscle, staying put. Although, her dog did raise its head, wagging his tail.

"Miss? Are you awake?" Czarina heard Lulana say after she had been knocking for a good fifteen minutes. Her voice caused Czarina's weak heartbeat to jump up just the slightest. She knocked again. "It's time for dinner."

Czarina said nothing. She did not even breath out, her chest severely still. Her face looked like that of a broken doll's, white and unemotional. When Lulana knocked again, her dog stood and moved to the door. It barked three times, wagging its tail. Lulana continued knocking and knocking. It was only when another person came to the door did she shut her eyes with a tired sigh.

"Don't worry, let me talk to her. Open the door," she heard her father say in a calm voice. "You can leave." A click sounded and Czarina shifted her gaze to look at the door as it was pushed open and her father poked his head into the room.

"Czarina are you alright?" he whispered as he entered the room and closed the door.

Czarina moved her eyes to the broken ceramic and pudding that had long caked against the preen tiles. "Dad?" she croaked, "why am I stupid?"

A soft sigh sounded and she listened as her father quietly moved to her. Her father sat on the floor beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. He pulled her closer to himself and she unemotionally moved her body to rest against his.

"You're not stupid," he mumbled, petting her hair.

"Yes... I am."

Her father exhaled and held her chin. He brought up her face and made her look at him. She looked into his eyes but averted her gaze after a few seconds. "You're not stupid," he repeated, this time his voice sounding firmer. "Whoever that says that is wrong and judgemental."

Czarina snorted quietly. "That means your sons and wife are judgemental. My classmates are judgemental. My teachers are... judgemental." She looked into his eyes. This time the tears came out and she softly cried, "everybody is judgemental."

Her father shook his head and hugged her. "They just don't understand. They don't understand... us."

"But you got help and at least it helps you sometimes," she said. "Mine is... Mine is... not working. I don't know if it's because of me or..." She shook her head. "Maybe I should have been born blind, then maybe I wouldn't always find it difficult to understand what that's been written in front of me meanwhile others can without even having to at least try."

Her father stayed quiet for a while before he leaned back and looked at her red face. He pouted lightly and used a hand to push back her hair. "Darling they are them and you are you. Everyone doesn't have to be the same. Having dyslexia and dyscalculia isn't a curse. There are people in this world who have gone and proven that an ailment can't keep them away from greatness. I mean... there had been deaf musical prodigies im the past. There are cripplers today who play soccer. The blind can paint, even a deaf and dumb have become historians, writing their own language." He used his thumb to wipe off her tears. "Czarina you have what it takes to be great. Here"—he touched her temple—"can tamper with that greatness when you conform to what people say about you. Whatever it is you have in you that's going to set you free from worry, do it... because nobody is going to tell what you're going to be, meanwhile they haven't even become themselves."