Truly Yours • Kim Mingyu

[eleven]

He is gone. Mingyu is gone.

He is gone. Mingyu is gone.

He is gone. Mingyu is gone.

It's just six words but I feel like these unpredicted six words are strong enough to break my world apart into finest particles of dust. 

I feel like I'm being asphyxiated by a metallic wire tethered around my neck. I'm consolidating my knuckles so hard that blood is starting to come out of my palms. I clench my jaw harder in order to suppress the stinging pain.

"W-what do you mean by he is gone? Did something bad happen to him?"

I'm holding in my breath.

"Is he dead?"

He can't be, right?

"It's not what you're thinking. He's not dead. He is fine."

I breath again.

I exhale like a huge trepidation is lifted off my shoulder.

"Then?"

"It's just... he's not the same as before. The old Mingyu is gone. Over these years, he changed into someone who you don't want to see, believe me. He's like a completely different person." His shoulders drop. I have never seen him being this much disappointed over talking about someone who once meant more than family to him.

"I'm sorry Miyeon."

I'm lost in my own daze, "Can you please take me to him?" Is all I can manage to say. "I will. But not now. He's at work. At evening, okay?" Jeonghan takes a few steps towards me before he can pull me into his embrace.

"Please don't misunderstand me. I lied about him because I wanted to keep you away from him. I didn't want you to meet him in his current state and have your heart broken. However, you would've found out sooner or later. So, I'm gonna take you to him but you've to promise me something." Says he. "Whatever you see or hear, promise me you'll stay strong."

I don't understand why he was trying so hard to keep me away from him. I can't acknowledge the hidden meaning behind his context either.

I say okay, nevertheless.

Please Mingyu don't be the person I'll end up resenting for the rest of my life.

***

My cheeks are pressed against the window of the car we're traveling with, to only Jeonghan knows where.

It's past evening.

We're stuck at a traffic single.

So boring.

Despite the aloud horns and bustling rush, there's an absence of sound between us. It's too peaceful, when it shouldn't be. At some point it feels like the peace before the arrival of a cataclysmic storm. We haven't exchanged any remarkable amount of words with each other, after what had happened earlier.

He thinks I'm angry. But I'm not, I'm just too grueled by everything.

"Why don't I see him at home?" I ask.

"He comes home really late, sometimes doesn't. Then leaves before sunrise as far as I know. We're all under the same roof but we barely see other. I haven't seen his face for months myself." He shrugs.

"Couldn't I've just waited at home?" I look down at my feet. I shift my eyes to his face. His unwavering gaze is latched to the scenery of monotonous vehicles and buildings outside the window.

He seems so...lost.

Like he doesn't have a clue about what he is doing or will do.

He sucks in an irked breath, I can tell that he's not piqued by me or my inquisitiveness. It's just the situation that we're both piqued by. It's kind of different for me. He blames the circumstances. On the contrary, I blame him for the circumstances.

He shouldn't have made up stories to begin with. 

The only things I wish for now is to see Mingyu sound and safe. Other is not to get into a meaningless dissension or misunderstanding between us siblings.

"I don't want you to stay up all night waiting for that boy, you might get sick. Besides, he usually doesn't stay much in a condition nor character that time. It's better to finish it now than never." I don't say anything in response but his last comment daunts me. It sends shiver all over my spine.

It's better to finish it now than never.

Finish it...

What does he want me to finish?

My anxieties? My curiosity?

The roaring flames of infuriation spiralling inside me?

Or my feelings for him?

We stop infront of a packed night club. It's fancy and it smells like rich and party people in there. I cudgel my brain, trying to think of one good reason about why he has brought me here out of all places.

"After work, he spends most of his time here. I suppose he's there now. If not, then you'll have to wait a bit longer." I retort by slightly hold my chin up.

I enter the club with reluctant steps. Luckily, I got my new id card with my present age in it (which is 23 but nobody really cares since I stopped aging) and passport yesterday. Or else I would've to sneak inside by climbing the pipes or the air conditioner ducts, like how they do it in action movies.

The air inside is totally different from what I've experienced in Seoul and America so far. It's intoxicated and opulent. The fortissimo music and the mellow disco lights honestly makes it hard for me to keep my guard. Jeonghan guides me through the throng skillfully, like he had done this quite frequently in the past and gotten used to it.

Adrenaline and anticipation are the only things giving me support to keep my body going, pushing through the crowd and moving further. My heart starts palpitating at a berserk speed when I get the feeling that we're getting closer to my destination.

Closer,

Almost there,

I see him.

Yes I see him.

He glances over his shoulder, doesn't he see me?

I get closer for a better view.

I should've stayed behind because I don't like what I see; Suddenly, I don't like the person whom I was longing to see for like an eternity anymore.

I feel guilty that I got angry at Jeonghan for hiding the truth. I should've let him hide it for longer.

I wish all of this was just a nightmare and I would wake up any moment and everything would go back in it's place, like how it used to be.

I wish my heart thumped for a little longer. Because now it feels so numb and silent, as if it is inanimated.

I wish the traffic lasted longer and had we arrived late.

I wish I could turn time back and take back all the questions I've asked to the boys about him.

I wish I had never come here at the first place.