deep love | 2

too much pressure

a/n 

listening to "you are the reason" by calum scott and it's literally the best song to listen/sing along to when you're editing. i highly recommend to any writers or if you just want a new song to listen to! 

enjoy 

J's pov 

I run blindly in the direction of the complex, silently thanking the gods above that both Joe and I had the hotel card key. Tears start to fall from my eyes as I fumble to get the key out.

Once I'm inside, I lock the door behind me and start to sob. I throw myself down on the bed and as the tears start to soak the pillow, I hear Leia and Dani's voices outside. I freeze. They'd probably just gotten back from checking the complex out. "They'll be back anytime soon, then we can go and get dinner." I hear Leia say, and I can tell they're right outside the room Joe and I are sharing. I force myself to stop crying so they won't hear.

I'm scared. Why did I feel this way around Zach and Daniel? Was there something wrong with me? As my tears start to slow and my breathing evens out a little, I hear Leia and Danielle shut a door behind them. Before I know it, my eyes are closing from pure exhaustion...

I wake up from a nightmare about zombies, gasping and struggling to breathe. I immediately check my phone, only to find that it's 7:20 pm. I'd fallen asleep for less than 5 minutes. Reality hits me in the face as the door next to mine opens, and I hear someone stepping out of their room. It must be Leia or Dani, because the rest of them weren't back yet. 

I listen intently, and I hear the ringing of a phone. Who are they calling? My question is answered less than a second later, because my familiar ringtone can be heard. I start to panic, praying they hadn't heard me. I didn't want them to know I was in here. 

But my prayers go unanswered and there's a knock at the door. "J? You're back already?" Leia's voice can be heard clearly from the other side of the door. I glance at the mirror and wipe my eyes. I couldn't hide from them forever. Plus, I'd much rather face my sister than the rest of the group. I sigh and walk over to the door, pulling it open. 

Leia's mouth opens in shock when she sees me. "What did they do to you?" She asks, stepping inside the room and closing it behind her. Tears start to fill my eyes again, and Leia takes my hand and we sit at the foot of my bed. "I- I don't know." I mumble, trying to keep my tears at bay. 

Leia stays silent, waiting for me to continue. "I've been feeling so nervous, excited and happy whenever I see Daniel and Zach. It's only been a day since I met them, but whenever one of them smiles or even looks at me for too long, I start to blush. I know I'm not attracted to any of them romantically- I still love Joe, and nothing will change that. But I don't know why I'm so desperate for them to like me and so we can be friends. And every time they talk to me, I get nervous and just end the conversation. What is wrong with me?" I blurt out. Leia looks like she's about to say something, but I shake my head and continue. 

"Then just now, Daniel said he wanted to hang out. Before I could answer, I tripped over the curb and he caught me. When I realised it was him that caught me before I fell, I just panicked and I felt so nervous and insecure in front of him. I don't know why. And then I ran..." I sigh as I finish telling her the whole thing, and I don't try to stop a tear from trickling down my cheek this time. 

"J..." Leia sighs and wraps her arms around me. "Well, as a counsellor, let me offer you my advice." Leia says in a business sort of tone, making us both laugh. 

"I think you're just confused and tired of what's going on with the band. Every day you deal with Joe and Nick and even though you don't say it, I know it's tough on you. I think you're scared that Joe's not going to want to be with you because he's going through the breakup, so you're trying to get everyone around you to like you. That's probably why you felt so nervous around Daniel and Zach." 

As the words come out of her mouth, I find myself starting to piece things together. "You're right" I mumble, not sure what else to say. "So what do I do now?" I finally ask, and Leia gives me a small smile. "I think you, Joe, Nick need to have a talk. I think we're all on good terms with Kevin, and I just don't want to stress him out." Leia tells me, and I nod in agreement. We sit in silence for a while, and I think about what she'd told me. I'm about to ask where Dani is, when there's a knock at the door. I don't even have to hear his voice or see him to know who it is.  

"J!" It's Joe, and he sounds distressed. "Jessica are you there? Jessica?" His knocking turns into banging and I can tell how nervous he is. I pull the door open, not bothering to wipe any remaining tears. Joe stares at me. "What happened?" He asks, but when he sees my red eyes and nose he stops and wraps his arms around me.

"Did I do something wrong?" He mutters, embracing me. "Why'd you run off?" 

"Um, I-"  Fresh tears well up in my eyes as I try to speak. Joe hugs me even tighter and even through my blurry eyes, I see Leia leaving my room quietly and shutting the door behind her silently. Joe doesn't see her leaving because he's standing the other way to hug me, and I'm not sure if he even saw her there in the first place. But Leia doesn't utter a word about how she'd helped me as she leaves. It almost makes me cry harder; what did I do to deserve a sister like her?

I take a deep breath and explain everything to Joe, exactly how I'd said it to Leia. Then I tell him what Leia advised me to do, and as I tell him that I thought what she said about the band was right, his face falls. "So you feel that you need to be friends with everyone because you're scared you're gonna lose me?" He asks quietly. We're sitting on our bed, and he fiddles with the sheets. 

It hurts me to admit it, but I say it anyway. "Yes."  

He bites his lip. "Oh." 

We stay silent for a while before Joe glances at me. "I'm really sorry I'm making you feel this way- I knew I was putting a lot on you after the break up, but I didn't know you were feeling this way." 

I lean on Joe's shoulder and smile a little. "It's okay. It's not your fault." Though he looks unsure of himself, Joe returns the smile, and I know he's trying to believe that he's not at fault. "What about Nick though?" Joe asks, and I sigh. "I don't know, it's kinda the same situation. I was just stressed about what he was going through after the band's breakup. But let's not think  about that right now, we should just focus on the performance tomorrow." 

Even as the words leave my mouth, I know it won't be possible. I couldn't go back there and act like nothing had happened. "What did the other guys do?" I blurt out, and suddenly my stomach grumbles. Both Joe and I laugh, and I realise it's past dinner time. It's as if Joe can read my mind because he says, "The rest of them went to get dinner, they're gonna buy some back for the two of us." 

My heart sinks. I'd caused Joe to miss out on a dinner in LA. I knew it was ironic that we were living in LA anyway, but it was special because most diners here had a panoramic view of the Hollywood sign. "I-I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to-" 

"Stop." Joe cuts me off mid apology and pins me down on the bed, making me laugh. He tickles my sides and as I squeal and fight against his strong grip, he leans down and his lips brush against mine. "I love you. I wouldn't trade your happiness for anything else in the world." 

I sit up and my lips meet his, and I close my eyes and enjoy the moment. 

We pull apart and then we cuddle together, put a movie on and pull the sheets over ourselves.