Repressed, Depressed and Possessed - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 29

The journey from Southampton to Leeds was the longest I had undertaken in my entire life. Five hours may not seem like much to you sane folk, but when I had to cling onto my body and brain for dear life the entire time, in the fear that Emilia would somehow take me to Disneyland, or X would seduce a random guy in a bus station, it felt like days before I reached Leeds. I could drive, but I didn't have a car and Mama would never let me drive her expensive one without supervision. So, wanting to do this alone, I was stuck riding trains, buses, walking for half the day and using my phone like a satnav. I dissociated once or twice when I found myself on the wrong platforms, but my troublemakers managed to stay submerged while someone more mature, like Dr Fischer or January, took over and sorted me out.

The most troubling experience I had was spotting a man on the train who could have been Bertie. He was a similar height, build and wore a checked shirt and chinos like Bertie always used to. I suppose you could call him 'classically handsome', but to me he looked like a disgusting troglodyte.
               Of course Bertie must be nearly 50 years old now, but this man looked just like the younger version who sexually harassed me throughout my childhood. He was standing on the train, the only thing between us being a business woman in a skirt suit. I first noticed him when he coughed into his hand and then held onto the pole as the train sped up. I had frozen still, but my legs still wobbled and my grip tightened around the same cold pole. I had just stared at him, impotently. What else could I have done? I was too shocked to move, but too intrigued to dissociate. In hindsight it was foolish of me to be so terrified of him; after all, we were on a crowded train, he hadn't even glanced in my direction and Bertie had another 14 years to serve in prison, but at the time I had been scared enough to want to jump out of the train window and onto the tracks.
               I felt bad when I realised my mistake. This man didn't deserve the hatred radiating from me towards him. I bet he had a wife, a family, a nice house and a respectable job. I bet he was polite and gentle and kind - but as long as he looked like the monster I knew, I had to keep my distance.

Thankfully that journey wasn't a long one, so the skeleton went back into my closet soon enough. And despite my unease through that part of the trip, I arrived at Hunter's apartment block at around six o'clock. He would be home by now.
'Unless he's somewhere else.'
'Like working late?'
'I was thinking more like socialising. I know that concept's unbeknown to some of you, but most normal people actually do enjoy spending time with others.'
'But Hunter's more of the mature, sitting down type. I don't think he's much of a raver, especially on a Monday evening!'
'Oh please, you bunch of babies, I'm sure Hunter has his fair share of fun. Heck, he might have even brought a girl back to his place by now!'
'So you'd better get in there soon, Ruth...'
'Or just turn around and go home.'
'Don't be scawed, Mummy. Hunter's a goodie, wight?'
'That's right.' I said out loud as I took a deep breath and started towards the huge building that was only growing taller and taller the longer I looked up at it.
               I found Hunter's name on the flat list and buzzed the button beside it. At first there was no answer, so my palms grew sweaty and I took a few deep breaths to settle my aching chest before trying again. I pressed it for longer this time.
'That's too long, Ruth. Chill out a little bit.'
'He's not home. He's probably at some girl's house.'
'Shut up, Hailey. Hunter wouldn't tell Ruth he loves her and then sleep around. He's too loyal and frankly, too self-respecting for that.'
'Just turn around and go home. Try again next year.'
'Should I?'
'No! Ruth, you've come all this way. Don't turn back now. Just wait on the doorstep, he's probably getting in late!'
               Just as Julie spoke, Hunter stepped into view on the other side of the glass door. When he saw me, he stopped in his tracks, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. I smiled. His hair was wet and he had clearly just thrown on the clothes nearest to him. I hadn't seen him this unkempt in years.