Repressed, Depressed and Possessed - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 10

Let's fast-forward the next few weeks. Not much happened. I got to know Mike a bit better. I still didn't trust him or want to be alone with him, but we'd often talk after support group meetings. He was standoffish, probably unnerved by my explosive personality, but I didn't care because I was detached from everyone anyway. (Now I realise that everyone who wants to be detached is really more desperate for attention and validation and love than anyone else, and cannot acknowledge that until the right person comes along: but back then, I believed that the universe was out to get me and it was not limited to circumstance. People could be used too, in order to bring me down. 'Trust no one' was my motto. I have to say, it's the hardest mindset to shake one's self out of.)

Now I want to talk about X. Until the 20th of May I had no idea she even existed. Before mid July I had only had one brief glimpse of her. None of my alters seem to know who she was or what she was like, although only a few of them are actually verbal in my head on a daily basis. I soon realised that she was the one who bedded Mike. Oh, and she was the one who announced her chosen name to the rest of us by shouting 'X' out during group therapy that day. However, I properly 'met' her when Hunter and Andy came back to Southampton to check in on Mama and me, two months after their last visit. When Mama first told me they were coming I was so excited: but as time went on I started to lose my grip on happiness and the anxiety stepped in. Why did they want to see me again so soon? Why was Hunter coming back? Was it just for Grandma this time? Would it be awkward and tense because of, well, me as a person?
               Luckily, when the pair finally showed up they seemed revitalised, and ready to deal with another dose of me. But then, just as things were going well, X appeared at her worst and made me watch helplessly from the sidelines as her sex addiction interrupted my life. It played out like this:

'Hey!' I said with a slight smile, walking down the avenue between the driveway and Mama's house. Andy climbed out of the car and stood by it.
'Hiya, Ruth.'
'Come here, Andy, I won't bite.'
               He visibly relaxed and gave me a hug. Hunter stepped out of the passenger side but I took no notice. Last time I saw him, almost two months ago, he told me he would stay in touch, but since then I had heard nothing from him.
'Your hair looks nice.' Andy said.
'Thanks. I have no memory of getting it done.' and we chuckled, he more so than I.
'I've gotta say, you seem like you're in a pretty good mood.' Was I?
'Yeah, well, I've been sleeping better lately. And I guess group therapy isn't as disgusting as it sounds.'
'That's good.' Hunter said, stepping around to our side of the car. 'You look very, er, very nice.'
'Thanks.' I bowed my head slightly. 'Mama's been dressing me up like a doll most days. Emilia loves it, as you can imagine.' I hated that they could imagine it.
'I'm sure she does.'
               Andy broke the silence by asking how living with Mama had been.
'A blooming nightmare at first. I guess in those six years we spent apart she forgot who I was.' I said. 'But it's not too bad now. I just wish I could do something - I hate being at home all day. Mama's been working at the office so it's not like we spend every second together, but I know she's always listening out. I even found a baby monitor under my bed the other day!'
'Why do you say that!?' Julie hissed. 'Do you want them to think you're a total idiot?' I gulped the thought away. 
               'Have you tried looking for work?' Andy asked. Hunter started pulling their luggage out of the boot, but stopped every now and then to listen to me 'ramble on', as Julie so kindly put it.
'Yeah, but nobody wants to hire someone like me.'
'Where did you apply?'
'The library, and the shop down the road.' They were the most relaxed places I could think to work in - retail may have been venturing out a little too far into the big bad world, but I was desperate for something to do during the day. Being out of work could make the sanest person feel disturbed after enough time. It's no secret that the human mind requires stimulation and social interaction, sadly, and since no one would hire me, I was doomed to finding stimulation and attention in pretty self-destructive ways.
               'Did you hear back?'
'No, Andy.' I sighed. 'I'm loud, no good with people, and I can't stand in a building I'm not familiar with for more than ten minutes without going mad.' For some reason, I said it with a smile on my face.
               'Ah, there's my babies!' Mama interrupted as she came running out of the house. 'What are you all doing outside? Come on in, I've put the kettle on!'
               Andy tossed his bags over his shoulder and marched on first, leaving me to walk up the long avenue with Hunter. I watched him embrace Mama before heading inside with her, chatting away.
'I wish Hunter would hug me.'
'What? Ruth, wh-what!? You hate being touched -'
'How are you holding up?' Hunter asked me. Our steps were in sync as we slowly edged our way to the house.
'I've been better. But then again I've been much, much worse. I guess I'm just having a good day.'
'Uh-huh. So who is he?'
'What?' My eyes flickered to Hunter's moving legs then back to the ground.
'Who's the lucky guy that's got you in such a good mood?'
'What...'
               I wanted to say that there was no one, but wasn't there? I mean, yes things were a little awkward between me and Mike right now, but we did have that night together, of which I was starting to remember flashes. And he was the only person I socialised with after support group - if you could call it that. But I didn't think about him all the time, and I certainly did not fantasise about him. So, no, I guess there was no 'guy'.
               For some reason my mouth didn't agree.
'His name's Mike.'
'Hm.' Hunter looked over at me, searching my face with inscrutable eyes. 'Is he nice to you?'
'Yeah. Yeah.'
'Where did you meet him?'
'Support group - why? You know what, never mind. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Mike, he's, he's nothing.' I said as we approached the front door.
'Okay.' Hunter shrugged, trying to lighten the mood again. 'I'll take your word for it.'