Repressed, Depressed and Possessed - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 28

July came around. I remember reminiscing on the beach days and bike trails and adventures Hunter, Andy and I used to partake in as kids. I remembered riding donkeys on the pier, and Andy's guffawing face when Hunter was thrown from his into the water. I remember being alone, as a 22 year old woman, eating ice cream on my bed with the sun shining through my window, wondering rather than wandering through my summer. I remember tossing my phone at the wall when it failed to send me messages from people I knew, and crying every night at the depressing reality that had become Ruth Harris's Life.

I don't remember how I ended up at Grandma's house, with a hot cup of tea and a wet handkerchief in my hand. Every time I blew my nose I caught sight of my scarred wrist and was overwhelmed with another wave of weepiness.
'I just don't understand.' I kept saying. 'Why?'
               Grandma had been quiet for quite some time. 'Grandma?'
'Mm?'
'What do you think?'
'I think your crying is starting to get on my nerves.' Typical Grandma - always pithy, never pulling a punch.
'I'm sorry.' I babbled. 'I just didn't know who else to go to.'
'Oh don't worry, dear, you came to the right place.' I looked up at her wrinkled face. 'I'm about to give you a reality check that you won't soon forget! Firstly, Hunter hasn't rejected you - he's worried you'll date him for two days and then reject him! You're fickle, Ruth, there's no denying that. I mean, look at you, one second you're excited to tell Hunter you love him, the next you hate everyone and everything and want to die! Love is unconditional, Ruth. Don't love Hunter because you know he loves you. Love him because he's Hunter. And what's more, you still have some feelings left for Mike.'
'I hate Mike! He's evil. I love Hunter -'
'I believe you! But you still have Mike on your mind, don't you?'
               I paused. 'You and Mike haven't been apart long.' Grandma said warmly. 'You may not love him, but you still think about him sometimes, right? Well, that's because you convinced yourself you loved him once, when you really loved Hunter.'
               My mind flashed back to the night he broke the restraining order. I had still cared for Mike then, but I could not align that care with the love I had for Hunter.
'Wow, this lady's good.'
'Sheesh. I knew you could misplace anger, I didn't know you could misplace love. So everything Ruth felt for Mike, she really just felt for Hunter and was directing it in the wrong place? Blimey.'
               'What do I do?' I sniffed.
'Give up!' Grandma chuckled. 'I'm not kidding. Give up on Mike! Get it into your head that it's over - if that's what you want. He's in prison, he's violent and he did you a world of wrong that you did not deserve. Leave him to rot. Move on to Hunter and give him 100% of you. We both know he deserves no less.' She clasped her hands around one of mine and looked me in the eyes. 'Who do you love, Ruth?'
'Hunter.'
'Why?'
'Because he's my best friend. And he's loyal. And he's thoughtful and generous and kind and funny and makes me feel warm, fearless and safe.' I even managed a smile as I spoke.
'Attagirl! That's what you should tell him, instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself!' Grandma cheered. 'You're a good girl, but don't let the rest of the people in your head make you do silly things. If you want to control your life, you need to take control of your life!'

With that in mind, on my way home I returned one of my many missed calls from Hunter. Oh, but before that, I called Susie.

'Hello?' sang the voice on the other end.
'Hey, Susie Q.'
'Ruth?'
'Yeah.'
'Hi! How have you been? It's been so long I thought you'd lost my number or something!'
'Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I've been having a pretty tough time. How are you?'
'I'm alright, thank you. I'm sorry you're struggling. I, er, I'm at home right now, do you want to come over? Or I can come and meet you somewhere?'
'That would be really nice.' I said. My breathing was still hiccuppy. 'Why don't we meet at the green?'
'Sure! I'll be there in ten minutes.'
'Thanks, Susie.'
'See you in a bit!'
               I sat down on a park bench knowing that I only had ten minutes to call Hunter, cry about it and then lose some of the puffiness in my eyes before Susie arrived.