Repressed, Depressed and Possessed - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 24

Hunter went home the next morning. I could hear him arguing with Andy downstairs; my brother wanted Hunter to stay and sort this out, but Hunter persuaded him that 'everything is sorted already', and his presence over the next week would only be 'awkward and unhelpful.' Those words had stabbed my heart and drawn blood. Andy told him that he wasn't leaving because he wanted to stay and help me through this breakup, and said Hunter was selfish for not doing the same. Then Mama chimed in with a few hushed words, and in minutes Hunter was on his way to the train station without so much as a goodbye.
               I looked out of my window as Hunter and Mama shut the front door behind them. Hunter moved down the avenue slowly, while Mama seemed a little more energetic on the way to her car. I watched them go like a paralysed ghost, too hurt to feel anything anymore but still to sad to move. My unblinking eyes were beginning to water, when Hunter turned around and stared straight up at my window. There I was, watching him like a lonely creep who haunted the second floor of the mansion. I held my breath as our eyes connected for just a second. Hunter looked away quickly as if the moment physically hurt him, and continued the walk, while I remained frozen in place.

'What happened on the bridge last night?' Andy appeared in my doorway as I finally freed myself of the stupor.
'What?' I asked. 'Th-that's private.'
'No it's not. Hunter is my best friend in the world, and I've just had a row with him because he insists on going home early. If you hurt him, I deserve to know.'
'I didn't hurt him.' I lied.
'Sure doesn't look that way.'
'What are you talking about?'
'Well you're being a sourpuss, Hunter's been weird ever since we got home and now he's rushing off.' Andy crossed his arms and leant against the door frame. I stayed with my head down, trying to keep the alters at bay. 'Ruth, I'm not trying to upset you. But I love Hunter. And he loves this family - heck, he's a part of it! So please, just, talk to me.'
'I-I...' I shook my head. It was painful trying to force my brain to leave me alone. 'I can't talk about this now.'
'Alright then. Listen to me instead.' He sighed steadily. 'When we came to Mike's flat yesterday, it wasn't - we - ...Hunter was the one that followed you there. Mama and me, we stayed home. We thought he was being paranoid, maybe a bit jealous. But then he called us. He said he could hear shouting and we should come quick.' Andy watched my quivering frame. 'He said that after he left me out on New Years', when you went missing, that he wasn't going to do it again. He said that I should be as much a part of this as he was, because we were all family and families look out for each other.'
               I sniffled and rubbed my eyes. Hunter was like that. He was...perfect. 'So me and Mama rushed there and Hunter was outside Mike's door, itching to go in and help you. As soon as he saw us he burst through the door and grabbed Mike, and the rest is history. You should know that, Ruth. You should know that Hunter was dying outside the door while he had to stand and listen to everything Mike said.'
'I. I. I-I  -' I took a deep breath and started a new cycle of tears. 'I can't handle this right now, Andy.'
'Does someone else want to come out?' Andy came and sat beside me. 'I can handle it. Let me talk to them. Maybe they'll cooperate a bit more.' He half-sniggered and threw an arm round me to give me a squeeze. It reminded me of Hunter's warm greeting yesterday morning and now I was helpless against dissociation.

Charity replaced me. Normally she gave off a sense of habromania; I had never seen her upset. She told me numerous times that her joy was in the Lord and therefore, unconditional, but I didn't believe that such happiness existed. Everyone gets down sometimes. Yes, Charity might well have Heaven to look forward to, but I knew she was still human. Yes, she may have the Holy Spirit dwelling in her, but I knew she was still sinful.
                And that morning, despite all of Charity's faith, love and hope, she was sad. Undeniably. Her crow's feet weren't showing and her mouth wasn't in it's usual 'U' shape. Her hands rested on her thighs and she shed her first tear.
               'Ruth?' Andy asked cautiously.
'Charity.'
'Ah, Charity! I know you. We've met before.'
'Not for a few years.'
'Mm. I have to say that your spirit seems a little...broken.'
''A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise'. Have you read the Psalms, Andy?'
'N-no. I didn't think Ruth had either.'
'She's not a fan.' I sighed. 'She thinks God hates her.'
'Why would she think that?'
'Bertie. He used to tell her she was demon-possessed. And her mother told her that God doesn't let that happen to good people. So, -'
'She thinks she must be a bad person.'
'Bingo. Although, she is coming around to the truth. It just takes time - once a thought like that enters your mind, it's hard to shake it.'
'I bet.' Andy rubbed his hands together nervously. 'So, do you know what happened between her and Hunter yesterday?'
'Of course. Dr Fischer, Julie, Hailey and I spend a lot of time on the surface. We talk to Ruth often. Hunter...well, he poses a problem.'
'What kind of a problem? I was there when they, er,' Andy rolled his eyes, 'they kissed. How is that bad? Mike messed up, Hunter can make her happy again!'
'My dear, it's not that simple.' Charity said. 'Ruth is not a well woman.'
'You make me sound like a child!' I cried from the inside. 'Let me come back, please Charity -'
'You see, Mike didn't just 'mess up'. He broke our trust. Ruth and I, all of us really, put our total and unrestrained faith in him. She told him some of the deepest, darkest moments of her life and relived some horrible events, just so Mike would understand how hurt she was. And then, he took that hurt, that honesty, and spat on it, punched it, stabbed it and beat it to a pulp.'
'Are you saying that Mike did all those things to Ruth? So when she cut her hand, and when she had those bruises -'
'I wish it wasn't true. But I won't lie to you, Andy: Mike is troubled. And I, I fear we haven't seen the last of him.'
'What are you talking about?' Andy said. 'Mike's in jail right now! And after what you've just said he'll be going away for a long time -'
'He won't stop looking for her.' Charity felt another tear roll down her wrinkled cheek. 'He loves Ruth. He may not even know what true love is, but he's persuaded himself that he's found it in Ruth. She's not safe from him. I fear she never will be.'
'So that's her problem with Hunter? What, is she scared Mike will track her down in a few years' time and hurt them both?'
'Goodness, no! Ruth hasn't seen that far ahead yet. No. She fears that Hunter and she will meet the same fate. She's scared of love. She thinks love is some cruel trick devised by evil people, who want to find an unknowing person's weak spot and exploit it for all it's worth. Mike used three magical words, gained her loyalty and used that to treat her however he wanted to with almost no consequences. Hunter may have saved her from him, but she doesn't think he can save them both from heartbreak in the end.'
               Charity took Andy's hands in mine. 'You have to understand, Andy, Ruth is shattered right now. Her heart is split into a million pieces and she doesn't trust anyone - not even herself - to put it back together. She needs help but she won't accept it. So, just like when she was sent to the psychiatric hospital as a teenager, she will fight the solution because she doesn't feel worth the trouble of 'getting fixed'. It's a vicious paradox: she hates herself because she thinks everyone else does, and when people do show her love, she hates herself all the more because she feels like she doesn't deserve it.'
               Andy was silent for a long time as he pondered those words. A few full minutes passed. Charity breathed heavily and sat in a pool of her own wisdom, waiting for Andy to speak.
               'What can I do to help her?' he asked softly.
'Sometimes the most difficult problems have the simplest solutions.' I half-whispered. 'All I can advise, is that you be there.'
'Be there?'
'Yes. Be there. Make yourself accessible to her. Always hear her out. Never tell her she's wrong to feel a certain way: validate her. Don't just fit her into your spare time, but make time for her, and always, always, let her know how much she means to you. It's simple stuff - common courtesy really. I know you've been a good brother and friend, but those few years that we spent cut off from the family are not going to be made up for overnight. Ruth is scarred by the memories of you moving to Leeds so suddenly, and then to only see you once every few weeks for a quick catch up...I know it was the best you could do. I know you had a life to move on with. But you should know that Ruth needed people then, more than ever, and you need to prove to her that no matter what happens in the future, no matter how many wards she stays in, or how many rehabs she goes back to, you will be by her side.'
               Another long silence.
'I messed up. Didn't I.' Andy said at long last. 'I thought I was around enough, but -'
''Enough' won't cut it now.' Charity said softly. 'Ruth survived adolescence, but she's got a long life ahead of her. And if she feels like she's heading right back to being sixteen,  she won't stick around to live through it twice. It pains me to admit it, Andy, but if Ruth doesn't get some stability soon, she won't wait around for it to drop into her lap.'
'I-I know. I know that now, thank you. But, Charity, how do I get her to accept me being around more? You said she doesn't accept help at times like this.'
'She doesn't. Not willingly anyway, which is why you can't plead it with her. Tell her you're there, and then be there, through thick and thin. Hearts are only mendable so many times. Don't just offer her help - enforce it. Even if your help isn't perfect, even if you make some mistakes, show her that you are consistent enough to stick by it anyway in the name of aiding her. It's always better to make a mistake and learn from it, than to abstain from helping someone in case you make a mistake. Do you understand, Andy?'
'...Yes. Charity, thank you.'
'Don't thank me.'
'Oh?'
'No. Thank God, hallelujah! Thank him for Ruth still being alive. Thank yourself for being a willing servant. Thank Hunter for all his patience towards us, and most importantly, thank God's plan for showing us the truth at the time that he did, before any more harm could be done.'
'You're a saint Charity, you know that?' Andy smiled and bumped his arm against mine.
'No, I'm just hopeful. Like you.'
               'I'm back!' Mama called up the stairs. 'Hunter just caught the train in time! Are you two alright?'
'We're fine, Mama!'
'It seems that I ought to say goodbye.' Charity's smile returned and she wore it brightly once again. 'Remember what I said to you, Andy. Be there. And please, don't let Hunter slip away from Ruth. Men like him are a rare treasure that Ruth cannot afford to lose.'
'I'll try. I promise.'
               And then, as if Charity was an angel returning to the sky, she faded away from my vision and I was left, shaky and weak, to stumble onto my bed.