Repressed, Depressed and Possessed - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 25

We are now at the point in the story where I have recently turned 22 years old. I am single after an eight month relationship with Mike Anderson, an abusive ex-soldier diagnosed with PTSD and charged with domestic abuse. He's getting a year in prison. Hunter is back in his flat up in Leeds. We've had no contact in two months, since the birthday kiss and his heroic rescue. I spent most of March and April in a conscious state of dissociation, normally by choice. When I would think about Mike and how he kissed me, told me he loved me, spoilt me and the feel of his skin...

She would dissociate.

- Leaving January, sometimes George, and Charity to make guest appearances. Her mama knows them all pretty well by now.

O, and blaze came bak. ~ hailey.

True. Ruth isn't conscious right now, but I still think she should be the one to write about this. Blaze is very...noteworthy. He will take a lot of time to explain, and seeing as Ruth is typically the only one to remain conscious when he's in action, we should probably let her take this one.

Fischer, that's a bad idea. Ruth's in a state right now.

All the more reason for her to confront and cope with this.

When I came to and saw what my alters had written in my notebook, I wept. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't live. Blaze was back and destroying my life, and for all my Mama's love for me, I couldn't rely on her to deal with him. He was a cantankerous, criminal gangster and definitely not my mother's type. He was evil. If Charity was the angel of Ruth Harris, he was Satan.

I remembered Julie's previous words: 'He's more of an arson, drugs and cutting type of guy. Classic prison movie stuff', and I looked down at my left arm. There were two circular burns on my wrist, beside fresh slashes. I wept again. Then I saw that he had also shredded all of the clothes in my wardrobe, and wept more. I didn't do it. I would promise, but I don't care if you believe me or not. It was Blaze and I know it. I remember him doing it. Those two months of my life were so painful, and yet, I remember every damn second.

Mike was not allowed within 300 feet of me. I hadn't asked for the restraining order but Mama convinced me it was a good idea, at least until the trial was over.
               Luckily the courts believed that I was 'not emotionally able to testify', so all I had to do was make it through a letter without dissociating, which the attorney then read out in the courtroom. It killed me to write it. Mike wasn't a criminal in my eyes. He was hurt. He lost his way and now he was going to be made to pay for it. He was just like me; and while I demonstrate my pain through dissociation and keeping my distance from other people, Mike only knew how to demonstrate his by getting angry. I understood him entirely, which is why it haunted me so much to write that letter. I remained unbiased throughout. I stated the facts and somehow Mike was still found guilty. Now I was not only heartbroken, but I was terrified of what he would do to me next time we met. A year wasn't a long time. He wouldn't forget me.
                Anyway, Mike broke the restraining order the night before the verdict was given.

I was on my way home from the Thursday night support group. I had stayed an extra half hour to talk to Jonathan and Sarah. Jonathan was very dear to me. He understood me better than anyone else - except perhaps Hunter, but even when Hunter came to Southampton to testify against Mike in court, he didn't visit me. He had given up on me, whereas Jonathan recognised that I was scared, broken, and confused by the end of my relationship with Mike. Sarah just tried to be pleasant. You know that sickly sweet kind of pleasant that some people are? The kind where they will be nothing but kind to you, and yet something about them irks you - their attitude is gentle and caring, yet you wouldn't trust them with your secrets, let alone your life. That kind of overcompensation through fake smiles bothered the hell out of me. Probably because I was a phoney faced smiler for years until I decided not to care what people think.
               Anyway, the air was chilly and dark on my walk home that night, which only made Mike's appearance even scarier.
               'Ruth?' When I turned and saw him, I gave a start and froze at the same time, paralysed by my indecision to fight or flee. He looked rough, with a stubbly chin and his usual, fatigued eyes staring right at me.
'Mike! What the hell -'
'I-I know. I shouldn't be here. Please, don't tell anyone. I just needed to see you one last time.'
'You, you shouldn't be here.' I knew we'd already established that, but I couldn't think what else for my shaky voice to say. I hadn't seen that face in nearly two months. I liked that face.
'I'm sorry, Ruth.' My eyes fluttered closed when he said my name.
'Do try to remember that he was violent towards you multiple times and you are in love with Hunter.'
'I'm going away for what I did tomorrow.' Mike said quietly. 'A-and I deserve to.'
'No, you don't.' I said. Why did I say that!?
'I do.'
                He just stood there in the dark. I stepped forward. 'Ruth, I hurt you. I'll never forgive myself.'
'Don't.' I was talking more to my thudding heart than to him. 'I-I forgive you Mike.'
'No you don't, but that's okay. I understand.' Soon my hands were connecting with his and I moved in close to him.
'I'll miss you, Mike.'
'You've got Hunter now.'
'No.' I sighed and rested my forehead against his chest. This felt good. Natural. Easy. 'I told Hunter to go back to Leeds.'
'Really? Why?'
'Because I love him.' I gasped at my own words and looked up at Mike's grim face. 'And you hurt me. I can't go through that again.'
'I know. I'm so sorry. I love you -'
'Don't say that to me!' I stepped away again, back under the streetlight. 'Don't keep lying to me.'
'I never lied to you.'
'You said you wouldn't touch me again, when you gave me this!' I lifted up my palm to his face. 'And then a few weeks later, on my birthday, you punched me. You would have done more if my family hadn't saved me.'
               Mike sighed and hung his head.
'You didn't deserve any of that.'
'I-I know.'
'You really didn't.'
'I know!'
               Silence.
'Look, er, Ruth, I don't want to upset you again. I just, I needed to say goodbye. We had something special. I can't just go without a word.'
'Fine.'
'If your last memories of me were bad ones, I'd kill myself.' I believed him.
'You should have thought about that sooner.'
'I know. Please, Ruth?' He held his arms out. I hesitated, then slid back into them.
               'I don't blame you.' I whispered eventually. He was warm and, strangely, made me feel calm.
'That's all I can ask of you.'
               I looked up at him. He smiled down at me. Knowing that this would be the last time, I kissed him.