Escaping The Loop

XX

The girls are his! Oh how fate be so cruel as to inflict this on my subconscious! I wished for a coma to leave me here! This place I fabricated where I am happy.

"Girls? Our girls? We have children?"

"Darling yes the twins. Honey I am seriously taking you to the doctor. Let's go."

He started dragging me towards the door, and I kicked and begged him to let go. I can't leave! I don't want to! Let me stay! I wriggled and squirmed and tried to get out of his grip.

"I don't want to leave! Not through that door! I want to stay! With you my darling Zen! Please let me stay!"

"Honey I am only concerned. We will come back here don't worry." And his smile so reassuring, so true. I wanted to believe him, for I knew if I went out that door, everything will be lost. That black cat will come straight through that door, and I will leave.

"We will come back Zen."

I surrendered to the inevitable, and woke up.

I woke up, shaken. The dream vivid and running through my head. I tried to shake this sense of restlessness and anxiety, for I had dreamt of my ultimate dream; my happiness. He was in my other dream, he was the girls' father. Him. What does this mean? Why is this happening? Why am I feeling this way? Why does it hurt so badly; seeing this life, this fantastic life, and most probably never coming close to it? What does it all mean? What should I do? Is he also having these dreams? Does he still love me? I am definitely in love with him. I am. I am.

"Jiji? Jiji?"

My dad calling, I was spacing out the whole day, and my poor dad had to endure that.

My early memories as a child where my dad belching 'Lucy in the sky with diamonds', 'Hey Jude', and his favorite 'all you need is love'. Other memories included him wearing a red jersey with the weirdest symbol, cheering and yelling at the TV. Weird huh?

I planned this, excursion, when I was 14. I researched everything. From expenses to directions, from hotels to public transportation. I kept those small pieces of information collected by a fourteen year old and expanded them to something real. This is on the list. This is what I should do. This one is for him.

Liverpool. The city of both musical and athletic giants. The place I dreamed of taking him to.

I timed the dates and bought the tickets online, without him knowing. The day I told him, he was speechless, he held the tickets and didn't say a word. Then when I started packing my bags, he entered my room and said thank you and embraced me. He hugged me for a while, let go, and planted a tender kiss on my cheek. My father a man few words.

I booked both hotels, both one night each. I booked the train rides in advance so we would not miss a thing. From Liverpool we would go back to London then back to Lebanon. All punctiliously planned. Perfect the project, that's what I say!

Two hours and half on the train and we were there. Trains run from London Euston to Liverpool Lime Street every hour, take a little over 2 hours.

We visited 'The Beatle Story' which is like a museum for 'The Beatles', a couple of museums here and there, then of course watched a game in Anfield. My dad was booing the other team and singing the anthem of our team. That childish sparkle in his eyes said it all, and yes at that moment, with the roaring crowds and numbing cold, I was incredibly inexpressibly happy.

We were having dinner at this local pub, fish and chips and the works, and then we walked back to our hotel. I needed someone to talk to about this...dream. I needed my friend, I needed this sort of reassurance, or at least this explanation to what I am going through, or what my dream actually meant.

I dialed the number I haven't dialed in a while.

I was transferred to her room.

"Hello?"

"Cici? Where have you been? I called a couple of times and you weren't there! I was worried, what happened? Tell me!"

"A couple of times is hardly enough Jilly!" she giggled. Come again, did I hear correctly? Cecilia...giggled?

"Cici I presume everything is well, how was the meeting? Are the old couple still there?"

There was an ominous silence. Uh oh.

"She died Jilly. I couldn't believe it. The old man looked so sad, and I was devastated. The sole reason I went there was to see them together. To talk to her again, and now she's gone."

"Cici! I am such a horrible friend I am not there with you. I have been a terrible selfish person for a while, only caring about myself. I wish I was there with you, comforting you. I am so sorry. I will finish the next task and we will meet in Bolivia, like we planned, or do you want me with you?" it was ridiculous to ask an obvious question, but before announcing my intent, she stopped me, "Jilly you don't have to dear, I am fine don't fret. Complete your tasks, and we will meet as scheduled."

Before she closed the line I said:" You were right about Kalon, I am so sorry you had to go through that. I should've heeded you warning. I am so sorry."

"Jilly its fine. I thought that you needed to figure things out yourself, I didn't want to give the guy credit, but people might change."

"They might. My heart wasn't completely sold on Kalon. It belongs to someone else. Someone who isn't mine. Someone I can't stop dreaming about, he haunts me Cecilia, and it's as if I am cursed. My every thought includes him. I am completely absorbed in this warp and I don't know my way out. He hates me Cici. He really does. It kills me to know that, and to actually say it out loud. I saw him and I didn't want to see anything after him. I realized that late enough." I inhaled a deep breath before saying the three words I dreaded: "He is engaged."

There was a pause.

"I know."

Huh?

"What?"

"I know. I have known for a while. He always used to check up on you while we were there. Always. One day he was said 'I love her Cecilia, I really do. I don't think I will love this way again, for it has damaged me. I want stability and I want a...family.' And then he told me that he got engaged. I never really told you, I thought you couldn't care less. He is a good man Jilly. He truly is."

"Stop! You and everyone else keep reminding me that he is such a great man! I messed up okay? I regret it okay? I tried to fix it, but it is unfixable! He hates me! HATES ME! He doesn't want me anymore! Why fight for something you know is completely lost?"

"Nothing is ever lost darling. Can't you see? He loves you, he is hurt, as he should be. Nothing and no one can ever be lost. Only after fighting, truly and full heartedly, can you win. I am not inspiring false hope, I am just saying that finish what you have to do, complete these tasks, and we'll see. We both will."

I smiled. This weak smile. I knew she was right. I have to finish the list. We have to.

"Cecilia it just hurts so much, knowing he isn't mine anymore. I don't know why I feel this way."

"Darling you love him. That is quite obvious."

"Cici, you have changed, first the giggle, and now this sort of optimism. Don't get me wrong it is wonderful but I expected..."

"Severe depression on top of my depression?" she laughed, "I am fine don't worry, I will see you in Bolivia, and I have to go. Take care."

"You too."

Weird. Just weird.

track list:

1- interlude- London Grammar

2-Chasing pavements-Adele

3-if i knew then- Lady Antebellum

4-Leave out all the rest-Linkin Park