Pure | Cate Blanchett

Chapter 18

Cate

One week before

I hear Andrew's soft breathing behind me as he sleeps. I'm pretty sure I was just lying in bed for over an hour after we, well, Andrew finished.

It's not like he only cares about his gratification, it's just he didn't take too well with my guidance. I didn't feel threatened, he just didn't want to indulge in too much foreplay. Unsurprisingly, the steps to help me get off he considers foreplay.

I can't blame him. For over 20 years I've just let him do his own thing, and now I'm starting to change his routine. Nobody takes change well.

I sit up and stay at the side of the bed. Looking behind me to make sure I haven't woken Andrew; I stand up and quietly leave the room. I make my way to the kitchen, sitting at the bar.

My head is spinning trying to figure out what to do. My heart is clearly for Amanda, but it would be logical, easier, and all together situationionally better. If I followed my heart I would lose financial security and social acceptance. If I followed the logic, I would lose the love and happiness I've always wanted.

I took a pen and pad from a draw and started to compile a pro and con list for each possibility. I know what I want, but I can't help but want that to be the best thing for me at this point in my life.

The list was longer than I thought it would be. I lost track of time, enough so that the sun started to rise. I wasn't able to clean up before I felt Andrew's hand on my shoulder and a kiss on my temple.

"Why are you up so early?" I cover the page best I can. He tries to read what I was writing, but gives up after he couldn't read what I'd written.

"Couldn't sleep," I quickly fold up my list and hold it tightly in my hand. Andrew is in the fridge getting his breakfast made. The movement of containers eventually stopping, followed by the door closing.

Andrew is quiet as he moves around the kitchen. I can tell he is looking at me with a bit of suspicion. Mostly because of the way I hid my paper. Andrew hasn't witnessed any time I didn't get any sleep. I was usually back in bed by the time he got up.

"What's the paper?" He stands across from me on the other side of the bar. His demeanor is a mix of repressed anger and curiosity. I definitely don't want to feed into his anger, yet I don't have a proper excuse for it yet.

"Just a grocery list," it was the first thing that popped into my head. I can tell he almost believed it too.

"Then why did you hide it?" He takes a bit of his breakfast. I can tell he won't stop this interrogation until the truth eventually is known one way or the other.

I stay silent. My silence seems to give him enough of an answer to confirm whatever he was thinking. He sets down his bowl and rubs his hands together before crossing his arms. He takes a deep breath and rubs his chin.

"Does your friend Amanda happen to be more than a friend, Cate?" He uses my name to try and guilt me into a confession. It definitely was able to do most of its job. My body language most likely conveyed more than I wanted so I didn't need to say a word.

He rubs his face a couple of times. Sniffing harder than he usually does after the fact. He rests his face on his hands in the air and takes many controlled breaths. I am rubbing my arms and I can feel my own tears starting to well up in my eyes.

"Yes..." it's a desperate whisper. Andrew lays his head on the counter and starts to sob silently. I wipe away my own tears quickly. Reaching out, I place a hand on his forearm. He doesn't swat it away like I expected, he looks up at me instead.

"Why?" He is purposely making eye contact to guilt me even further. He knows now. He might as well know the entire truth. So I told him everything. All the way back to the beginning, years and years ago, that led to why I did what I did.

He didn't interrupt me once. If he had a question, he politely signaled that he had one and then asked. He wanted the whole story, so he got it. Including the brutal truth.

"Amanda was the first person to help you orgasm?" He asks, almost in disbelief. I faked it pretty well apparently.

"I just wanted to know what it felt like. How everyone describes it. I hated being dishonest with you, so I took steps to help me not..." I can tell he is absorbing all the information I gave him, including new realizations. He doesn't say anything for a few minutes.

"That's why I have been a little bit pickier about what we did together in bed recently..." everything clocks almost at the same time. Reaching across, he takes my hand and rubs his thumb across the back.

"I'm sorry I didn't do as you asked. If I had known it was just to feel what I feel, I would have always put more effort in," He smiles, probably hoping I'll smile back. I give him a small one.

He stands up and walks over to the sink, placing his empty bowl in it. He doesn't say anything as he walks away and back up to our room to get dressed. As soon as I hear he's far enough away, I break down into tears.

Now what am I gonna do?
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Authors Note:

Okay yeah, I kinda broke my own heart. Especially after adding the song.

Thank you so much for reading! Please vote and comment anything. I love reading your thoughts...

Love You!!!
-B