His Rogue Luna

Forty

Nepenthe
(n.) Something that makes you forget grief or suffering

Last nights festivities and celebrations had died down and the next morning, I was diving back into work. I needed to figure out my Luna duties so I could incorporate them into my other duties and at least have some semblance of a schedule.

Knowing I would have a long and busy day ahead of me, I woke up just after dawn and decided to exercise and meditate. I quietly left the silent house and shifted into my wolf, running around the pack borders and circling the lands.

I pushed my legs as much as I could, flying over the ground as my paws barely made a sound on the crunchy snow. My heart was beating wildly in my chest, threatening to jump out of my rib cage while my hot breath appeared in puffs of white clouds.

I eventually slowed my pace until I was trotting leisurely, taking a moment to admire the pack lands properly. I managed to stumble across a small frozen lake in the middle of a clearing, the rays of the morning sun reflecting brilliantly over the shiny surface.

Shifting back into my human form, I slipped on the legging and sports bra I had grabbed with me before making my way to the centre of the clearing, facing the lake and the sun.

I crossed my legs and placed my hands on my knees, closing my eyes to focus, letting my body relax and my mind clear. I felt myself slowly drift away, into a place just between consciousness and darkness.

I concentrated on the sounds around me, from the birds chirping, to the wind rustling the trees. All of the pent up emotions dissolved into the air around me with every breath I took as I relaxed for the first time in a while.

For a while, I just let myself drift, not willing to leave my safety bubble into the loud and chaotic world that surely awaited me. Feeling a presence by me, an intoxicating scent coaxed me out of my relaxed state.

I opened my eyes and turned to see my mate sitting near me on the ground, his legs crossed much like mine with his eyes scrunched shut. I stifled a small surprised laugh at his expression.

"Kieran, what are you doing?" I asked gently, not wanting to break his concentration.

"What you were doing, meditating," he answered, his eyes still screwed shut tightly and a frown tugging his lips down. I couldn't help the soft chuckle that escaped me which made him open his eyes.

"It's not as easy as it looks," I began. "You need to relax your body and mind. You can't force it,"

His shoulders sagged, clearly disheartened so I changed my position and shuffled closer to him so that I faced him. My knees touched his legs, the small tingles momentarily distracting me before I refocused.

"First, relax your shoulders," I instructed. I reached out and placed both my hands on each of his shoulders, the thin white shirt doing nothing to cover his hard and warm body.

Immediately, his stiff shoulder melted under my touch and I couldn't fight the smile on my lips.

"Now, relax your face," I continued. I let my fingers press gently on the crease between his furrowed brows and it too disappeared. My fingers trailed softly down his face, admiring all his angles and contours.

I was overcome with the sudden urge to lean forward and eliminate any distance between us, but I quickly pushed it away. Instead I trailed my hands back down to his shoulder until they went all the way to his hands as I softly grasped them.

His hands were much larger than mine, easily swallowing my hands in his and the skin of his palms was a little rough but pleasant. I took a moment to admire our conjoined hands, marvelling at the contrast between his alabaster skin and my tan one.

It looked and felt so right.

Looking back up, I only now realised he had his eyes open and had been watching me the entire time. His gaze was dark and steady, only a thin ring of blue visible around his otherwise dilated pupil. The look he was giving me went straight down to my core and I looked away, not quite ready for those feelings yet.

This mate bond was getting out of hand.

Deciding to break the tension, I asked the question that was burning at the tip of my tongue.

"Why do you want to meditate?" I blurted. Kieran blinked down at me slowly before looking away from my gaze. I still held his hands in mine, which he clutched back just as eagerly.

"I wanted to be near you," he admitted bashfully. The tips of his ears turned a soft pink that melted my heart. I squeezed his hands gently and he turned back, his eyes never wavering from my face.

"I also thought it would help me with all my emotions and issues," he added. I gave him a reassuring smile.

"That's wonderful Kieran. But meditating doesn't solve your problems, it just helps you find the solution," he looked down at me thoughtfully before quietly nodding to himself.

"I just wanted to show you that I've changed and I'm trying," The frustration in his voice was quite concerning and I wondered what kind of life he had before I met him.

"You are showing me that Kieran. I can see you're trying," I replied. "Things like this take time and patience," I watched him for a moment while he continued to look down, avoiding my gaze.

"Who hurt you Kieran?" I whispered.

He hung his head, looking defeated and I could smell salt in the air as he fought tears. I didn't say anything else, just waited for him to speak when he was ready. I kept a firm grip on his hands, letting him know I was still there while he struggled with the weight of his emotions.

It was heartbreaking to watch him break down and I could easily find out by looking through his mind, but he needed to tell me himself, not only to let me in and trust me, but for his own closure too.

"My mother," he began. "Before that dreadful night, she had never been much of a mother," I held back my questions as he paused to think again.

"She was never loving or caring. Never once said a kind word to us. While she was never physically abusive, her indifference was painful," I watched as a tear rolled down his face and onto his lap.

"My father tried making it up to us by being the happy parent and would always make excuses for our mother's cold behaviour, but we all knew deep down that she hated her children," He spat.

"We were never good enough no matter what we did and one day she snapped at us, yelling in our faces that she never wanted children and she never wanted to be a Luna," His face twisted into a scowl as he recalled the awful words his mother spat at him. "Then she continued ignoring us like nothing ever happened until that night where she killed the person I cared about the most,"

More tears rolled down his face and I couldn't help but reach out and wipe them away from his face. He looked up at me as I did so, large glassy eyes looking at me so vulnerably.

"Kellan was more than my twin brother. He was the one that saw the positive things in life and always managed to cheer us up. He was kind, selfless and loving, everything I'm not," he choked out, his face flushed as more tears streamed down his face. "He was destined to be the Alpha of this pack and I've disappointed him. I'm a disgrace of an alpha and nothing like what my brother would have been," he sobbed.

Unable to take it anymore, I leaned up on my knees and pulled him into my chest, wrapping my arms tightly around him as I cradled his sobbing form. He clutched me just as tightly, his face buried in my chest and his arms wrapped around my waist.

What an interesting way to start the day.

A.N: What do you think of Keiran's admission?