All at Once (Absinthe Series 6)

Kabanata 30

Kabanata 30

All at Once

Naririnig ko ang mga katok ng aking kaibigan sa aking pinto ngunit wala akong lakas para pagbuksan sila. Wala akong kibo kahit na rinig na rinig ko ang pag-aalala sa kanila.

I hugged my knees and closed my eyes. I've been cooped inside my unit for a straight three days. I never went to work after receiving that news. I figured that everybody already knows what happened. Matunog ang pangalan ng mga Zobel kaya alam kong laganap na agad ang balita. Hindi pa iyon, that model, Shana Monzanto was the daughter of a known international businessman. But she already have her name in the show business because she's an international model. At totoo nga ang sinabi ni Dilly sa akin na nawala ito ng halos dalawang taon sa industriya. And her resurfacing is a big news, especially when she's carrying a baby.

"She's not here. Sinabi na ng front desk kanina na umalis siya two days ago. She's probably on her own again," rinig kong sabi ni Trinity.

"We know Phaedra, minsan ay umaalis siya nang walang paalam," si Jeni iyon.

"Where could she be? Wala akong makitang kahit ano sa cafe. Even the staffs told me that she only talked to them over the phone. Hindi siya pumunta roon." It was Ruth's turn to say something. Nakatingin lamang ako sa pinto.

Wala talaga akong balak na pagbuksan sila. I was too ashamed of myself. Alam kong alam na rin nila. Everybody knows. Lahat alam na kasal na si Rogan. The secret and civil marriage happened four years ago, maglilimang taon na nga. At ngayon lang ito nakalabas sa media.

I wanted to deny what I saw but it seems like it's true. Kahit walang sinabi ang kampo ng mga Zobel, marami na ang naniniwala roon. I was a fool to even wait for Rogan to explain. Hindi naman siya tumawag. Hindi siya gumawa ng paraan para makausap ako. It made me cry more because I realized that I was fooled. I was hurt once again. At hindi ko inaasahang ganito kasakit ang aatake sa akin. It was even worst compared to when Zeke left me before.

I had fallen in love with Rogan that it was too deep and it was hard to even get up.

"Phaedra..." natigilan ako sa malambing na tawag ni Ruth. "If you're there, please, please, know that we're here, okay? Hindi ka nag-iisa. I know you probably need time but please don't do anything that might harm you okay? We're worried."

My heart breaks for my friends. Ang sama ko para hindi sila harapin pero wala talaga akong lakas para makipag-usap sa kahit sino. I feel dizzy whenever I get up and I feel like hurting myself once I get a hold of something that might cause harm to me.

I feel numb. After hours of crying, I just stopped. Wala na rin akong lakas para lumuha pa kasi pagod na rin naman ako. My heart was hurting more whenever I see something that would remind me of him. We have so much memories in my place and I don't think I could ever forget them. Sa bawat pag-alala kong iyon, pinupuno ako ng sakit. My compulsions had taken over to protect me from the pain but I don't think it's enough to ever forget how painful it is.

Nakatulog ako sa sakit. The moment I woke up, I regained strength to let myself eat and wash up. Kahit iyon man lang ay magawa ko sa sarili ko. I can't afford to get sick. I can't afford to be weak. Kaya kahit wala akong gana ay pinilit kong magbihis.

I wore a simple white tee and boyfriend jeans. I made myself presentable by adding color to my face. I was trying to make myself better despite of the pain. Mabigat pa rin naman ang dibdib ko pero kung palagi kong inaalala ang sakit, saan ba ako makakarating?

Compared to the pain that Zeke has given me, this is different. The scar was too deep that even a single bandage won't cover it. Zeke hurt me before and I got over it. But with Rogan, I wasn't really thinking that he could hurt me. Malayong-malayo iyon sa personalidad na ipinakita niya sa akin. I was too focused on what he was showing me that I didn't see past through his personal life. I know him. I know simple things about him. But never did I ever ventured on questioning whether he had a serious past relationship or not, let alone marriage. Iyon ang pinakahuling bagay na inaasahan ko mula sa kaniya.