All at Once (Absinthe Series 6)

Kabanata 1

Kabanata 1

All at Once

I have an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or what they call OCD. I didn't know the symptoms at first and I was oblivious of my condition. I had it when we were in college, first year to be exact.

During my first year in college, my parents decided to separate. And as an only child, there was always a pressure on who to choose. Wala sila palagi sa bahay. They'll contact me if they wanted to know how I was doing. Eighteen years, that's what they've been doing. Palaging trabaho kaya minsan hindi ko nakikita ang mga magulang ko.

With the problems at home and the urge to adjust to new school and environment, it brought me a lot of burden. I was having a problem with my chosen course, na pinilit lang din naman ni Mommy sa akin. I didn't want it but I struggled to pass. When the first half of the school year ended, my parents contacted me about their separation. Another burden again.

I was stressed. I didn't know what to do. I found ways to distract myself because I know, if I focused on those things, I'll be lost. The repetitive actions were the least of my concerns before. And then I had those thoughts about death and accidents that developed my anxiety. Hindi ko masabi sa mga magulang ko kasi kapag nangyari iyon, magtuturuan sila kung sino ang kukuha sa akin. I was eighteen. I know how to handle myself without them. I did it before but what I needed was care from them, pero hindi ko naman iyon nakuha sa kanila.

When I knew about my condition, it was Ruth who discovered it. It was one of our sleepovers. Nasa kwarto kami at hindi ko napigilang magpabalik-balik sa pinto upang masiguradong na lock ko nga iyon. I kept on turning the knob, checking if it was really locked.

Hindi ko na mapipigilan yung mga habits kong iyon. I didn't sort to therapy because I was afraid it might become worse. I take medications, just to console me, that everything's going to be alright. Ang sabi nila mas makakatulong yung therapy. I didn't want to open up to people. They might contact mom or dad, kasi baka ayawan nila ako. Baka wala ng umuwi sa akin para lang kumustahin ako.

My parents officially separated when I was in second year. The process was fast like they badly wanted to get rid of each other. I stayed with my mom, but it did not do me any good. Palagi siyang wala. Palagi siyang may trabaho, ganoon din si Dad. I told my mom to buy me a condo, mas convenient sa school at mas convenient sa akin na mag-isa na lang kasi wala naman iyong kaibahan kapag nasa bahay ako.

I opened up to my mom about my condition. I thought she will understand. Naintindihan niya nga ang kondisyon ko pero hindi ang gusto ko. I wanted her to stay with me. I want her to pay attention to me more, pero mas lalo lang yatang lumayo si Mommy at ayaw akong alagaan. My condition was a burden to her lalo na at kadalasan, namo-mroblema siya sa pag-alis nang dahil sa akin.

And then, I met Zeke when I first had my own cafe. That was four years ago and those were the happiest years of my life because finally, I have someone who could be with me. I have someone who could understand my condition more than anyone else. Zeke was always in my condo, we're not living together pero mas madalas siya sa condo kaysa sa bahay nila. He said he found comfort in me. Ang sabi niya palagi siyang naaalagaan kapag nandoon ako.

And I thought we would be really together for so long, pero nagkamali pala ako. Hindi porke't matagal na kaming magkasama ay magiging kami bandang huli. That doesn't work that way. Akala ko kapag minahal ko siya nang husto at palaging pinupuno ng atensyon, mananatili siya because that's what my parents failed to do. My parents failed to take care of each other or even me. Kaya siguro ganoon na lang ang takot ko na kapag hindi ko naalagaan si Zeke, ay iiwan niya ako.

But too much love and too much attention, pushed him away from me.

Siguro nga mas mabuti na lang na mag-isa ako. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. I didn't want to be someone's cause of destruction.