Dear Diary

Chapter 111

Sophia thought over so many ways of how to begin, but none of them seemed appropriate. She was still clinging onto Luke's hand, and the gently squeeze he gave her fingers made her realise that she was trembling. She glanced up at Luke and he gave her an encouraging smile. She looked away and swallowed the lump in her throat.

"Um ..." she began and looked down at her boots. "I ... I don't know quite how to say this, but um." 

She felt her mouth go dry and her hands started to shake even more. 

"I-I almost." She closed her eyes, not wanting to see Mr Woods' reaction. "I ... almost took my life this morning," she finally whispered.

A tense silence suddenly filled the room. Sophia slowly opened her eyes and looked to see Mr Woods staring at her shocked. She immediately looked back down, feeling ashamed.

"What caused you to attempt this?" Mr Woods asked slowly, trying to recover from his shock.

Sophia bit her lip. "Everything."

Mr Woods leaned forward and placed his elbows on his desk, Sophia gaining his undivided attention. "Would you like to tell me why?" he asked softly.

"I wouldn't know where to start ..." Sophia said weakly.

"How about from the beginning?" Mr Woods supplied.

Sophia gave a small nod and she glanced at Luke, who gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. She shifted once more in her seat before taking a deep breath. It was difficult to speak at first, but as she began to explain things from the beginning; the way her dad always treated her, how she constantly moved around, the fact that no-one ever spoke about her mother all the way to the time she arrived in Ridgeview and met everyone, how her father began dating Susan to her finding out that Rachel was her daughter, the dance that she attended where her father chose to dance with Rachel over herself and then finally her birthday.

"I was always clinging to the hope that, you know, one day my dad would treat me like a daughter; that one day my life would be perfect. But ... it's not, and it never will be. I realised that this weekend. That's why I-" she cut herself off and sighed, raking a hand through her hair. "I can't keep fighting a losing battle like this my whole life. I'm exhausted and ... I just can't do it anymore."

Sophia concluded and hung her head low, her shoulders drooping as she allowed her fatigue to show. But strange emotions were swirling in her. It was such a strange feeling, opening up to someone like this. Although she had told Luke some of the things she told his dad, she had not given him a complete biography of her life. Even though it felt that a weight had somehow been lifted off her shoulders, Sophia couldn't help but feel completely exposed and extremely vulnerable in front of them. 

But, then again, she had passed that station quite a while back already.

Mr Woods stayed silent for a while, gathering his thoughts before slowly standing. Sophia's gaze snapped to his and she watched as he walked up to his bookshelf and gazed over the contents for a moment before pulling an old leather cover from the row. He returned to his seat and gently sat down before opening the book and began paging through it's contents to a specific section.

"You know, Sophia, your life reminds me of a story," he began as he flicked through the pages. "Well, it's not a story actually. It's what really happened to a woman. Different circumstances but the same feelings."

Sophia blinked and waited as Mr Woods stopped at a page and pressed it down before glancing up at her. "1 Samuel, chapter 1 and 2."

Sophia frowned. "The Bible?"

Mr Woods nodded. "Yes, the story of Hannah specifically."

Sophia remained silent and he continued, "Much like you, Hannah felt a sense of hopelessness, brokenness, sadness and pain. She felt this during what was supposed to be the happiest moment of the year: the celebration of the Hebrew slaves being delivered from Egypt. Hannah felt all these horrible emotions because she was childless, while her husband's other wife provoked and teased her to the point that she was too upset to eat. Year after year, she put up with this, until she came to a point where she had no more strength left to fight it. That is where you are today."

Sophia looked at Mr Woods and he gave her a soft look. "Your whole life you've tried to fight for your father's affection and now you've reached a breaking point and you've lost all hope. You've lost all your strength and the truth is ... you never had that kind of strength to begin with because outside of God there is no strength. A person cannot carry their battles and problems on their own.

"You see, so many times when we find ourselves placed in difficult situations, so many other things speak into our lives that we begin to say that God isn't enough. This piece of scripture is teaching us and challenging us about this. Because when we are experiencing difficult situations, we have to come to a point where we acknowledge that only God can get us through it. If you want steadfastness in your life, if you want stability in your life, when you want to know that you can go through life without falter then you have to rely on God. You need to entrust your life fully in Him so that He can help you.

"And the thing is God is able to turn our lives around if we only come to a place where we trust Him. And when God answers our prayers, He doesn't stop halfway. God doesn't only give us a little bit, but God comes and He answers with completion."

"But ..." Sophia began and looked at him doubtful. "Why should I let Him in? Why should I trust Him? He's never helped me before. When I was little I used to pray, but He never did anything so why would it be different now?"

Mr Woods smiled. "Sophia ... the thing with people is that they pray to God and they almost demand that He responds to prayer in the way that they want Him to respond and they grow despondent and angry when He doesn't. But what they fail to realise is that you can't tell God what to do. He will do what He feels is right, at the right time when He's ready. That is where your faith comes in because God rarely answers prayer the way you expect it to be answered and He has a reason for everything. Sometimes it's just not clear at that specific moment in time. 

"But your faith ensures that you will accept whatever life throws at you, whether good or bad, and know that God is in control and can get you through it by His own power. And the reason why you can trust Him is simple - He made this world and He controls everything in it. He is the only one who has the power and can help us in whatever situation we find ourselves. Because of that we can trust Him.

"And Sophia, like Hannah, if you do not acknowledge God in your struggles it will be difficult for you to make progress because the one that helps you, the one that gives you strength, the one that helps you through it, can only be the one that loves us with His own life, and that's Jesus. No-one loves you more than Him and He will bring you through whatever struggle you face, if you trust in Him with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind."