𝑰 𝑺𝑬𝑨𝑹𝑪𝑯𝑬𝑫 𝑭𝑶𝑹 𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹 𝑽𝑶𝑰𝑪𝑬 || 𝐶ℎ𝑜𝑖 𝑆𝑎𝑛

Chapter 41

"I guess it's my turn now.."
I see that he is reflecting, he probably would like to run away now, but I don't want to force him.

"Just tell me what you want"
I say, pretending a casual tone.

San nods and turns, sitting on the edge of the bed placing his forearms on his knees, leaving me confused..

"Come here"
He tells me, and takes my wrists gently and makes me hug him from behind.

"Sorry but I can't look at you while I'm talking about it.."
After every word I feel the tension growing inside me, and I put my cheek against his shoulder, concentrating on his breathing, waiting for him to start talking.

"Julia.."
"Yes?"
"Don't leave me.."
In that sentence I feel all his fears come out and his wall collapsing.
He really fears that I will go away..

"I won't"
That's all I say, squeezing my arms even harder around his muscular waist.

"I don't even know where to start .."
San says, taking a deep breath.
"Well, that September my father had a car accident. So I was alone.
My uncles decided to take me with them, I already spent a lot of my time there, and for them it wouldn't have changed much. But for me it was different..
As much as I loved them, they weren't my dad, and then I was used to a modest life, so I always felt like I was inadequate there...I didn't fit.. I don't know how to describe it but I think you get it."
I know what he's talking about, even I felt uncomfortable during that dinner. I don't imagine how a child could have felt to be catapulted into that world.

"However, shortly thereafter I fell into a depression. I didn't take the medicine recommended by doctors and I isolate myself more every day..
I had become the shadow of myself."
I listen to San in silence, I don't ask questions, I want him to be free to tell me what he wants.

"Then after a few months Mina arrived, she was a college student and Jaemin's new babysitter. I immediately noticed the way she looked at me insistently, I mean, I was a kid but not stupid.."
I don't like the trend of this story, I have a very bad feeling..

"..From the looks she passed to compliments, such as how handsome I was or what beautiful shoulders I had..With time she started looking for contact, when we were alone I remember she stroked my hair often. I was helpless to her attentions, I felt like an empty jar, and each of her caresses were like stabs..every day she loved to go deeper and deeper."
I close my eyes and a tear flows down my cheek. Hearing him speak with such coldness and self-control of something like this breaks my heart.

"It didn't take long until I started being her favorite toy. It went on for a year and the part of the child that remained of me had completely vanished in the darkness in which she had dragged me"
I begin to caress his chest with my hands, as if I wanted to caress his heart, which has suffered so much.

"One day we were alone, Jaehyun and Jaemin were already asleep and I had stayed in the living room with her, so..
Well, my uncles returned home earlier than expected and found us on the couch. Needless to say, Mina was arrested the next day for pedophilia.."

"Is she still in prison?"
I ask in a low voice, troubled by what I just had to hear.

"She committed suicide in her cell after two months, leaving a letter where she said she loved me.."
I have no words, I don't really know what to say..how should I react to something like this.
I'm afraid to say the wrong thing, so I just hug him tightly to tell him I'm here for him.

"When they investigated ... they discovered that she was not a simple pedophile looking for fun. She was part of an organization ..
She wasn't just fucking me for the pleasure of doing it, she was teaching me-"
San suddenly stops, as if he has regretted the details he was telling me.

"Teach you for what purpose?"
I ask, although my heart hurts now. But I know that if he doesn't tell me everything now he may not do it again.

"The market"
San's answer is fast and clear.
"Then I reconnected everything, I remembered that sometimes she told me that women would pay a lot for me one day.."
The disgust I feel towards those people becomes indescribable.

San suddenly gets up and goes to the window, still turning his back on me.
"Now you know, you're free to go"

I get up, although my legs are shaking and go to him.
"I'm not going anywhere"
How could he have thought that I would leave him for something he has no fault of..
He was just a child ... in a period of fragility.

San turns around, and his eyes, so black and deep, frighten me for a second. It's as if bringing out all those bad memories had brought back the darkness in his gaze.

He looks at me in silence, and I throw myself into his arms.
Now I just need to hear his heart beat and let his warmth surround me.

My initial goal was to ask him who the unnameable Amber was, but now I don't care anymore.
I trust him and I will not allow anything or anyone to make me doubt him or to separate us.

______________________
Author's note:

Incredibly long chapter but it was necessary~
We finally discovered a part of San's troubled past!